The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is listening to classic 60's music. Just a little more madness with a classic comic character that should have been introduced long ago.
The Mighty Kwinn
"Let me get this straight," Zarana groaned. "In addition to Dr. Venom, the Baroness put Cobra Commander in the hospital ward as well?"
"With a broken arm and enough medication to keep him out of our hair for at least a week," Zartan smirked. The three Dreadnok siblings were hanging out in the recreation room of the Cobra Base.
"Doesn't Mindbender have that machine that fixes broken bones?" Zandar asked as he lay back in an overstuffed easy chair.
"Yes, but since he took off with Road Pig this morning to go out drinking he's not available to operate it," Zartan shrugged.
"Since when does Road Pig hang around with Mindbender?" Zarana asked as she stopped filing her nails on the couch.
"Since the incident with the Baroness running off the leash. Apparently they bonded over that fiasco," Zartan shrugged.
"Don't complain," Zandar said. "It's one less Dreadnok we have to keep track of. Two if you count both his personalities."
"We don't have to worry about any of the Dreadnoks today," Zarana said. "The Baroness chased them all over Level 5 this morning. They're exhausted. Most of 'em are passed out in their rooms."
"Well they needed the exercise anyway," Xamot remarked as he walked into the room with his twin brother.
"Have you seen Destro?" Tomax asked. "We need him…"
"To help us go over our budget for the rest of the fiscal month," Xamot added.
"You're out of luck," Zandar grumbled. "Destro ran off with one of his spare bimbos to some island in the Caribbean for the weekend."
"Can't say I blame him," Zarana said. "With the Baroness being more of a bitch than usual."
"You know I would think the bitch jokes would get less funny over time but they haven't," Zartan smirked.
"Yes well it's not funny when no one is running Cobra," Xamot said.
"Cobra Commander is high as a kite thanks to the pain medication," Tomax sighed.
"He thinks he's in some kind of dinosaur land and keeps singing 'It's Raining Sunshine'," Xamot added. "And with his lisp it's starting to get annoying."
"That's from one of the Rudolph cartoons isn't it?" Zarana asked.
"The second one I believe," Xamot said.
"Should have stopped them at two," Tomax said. "I hated the Frosty crossover one."
"I dunno, compared to the most recent one that's practically a classic," Zandar thought.
"Excuse me, but since the Dreadnoks aren't here I'd like to get through at least one afternoon without a debate on cartoons," Zartan spoke up.
"Sorry Brother. It's starting to become a habit," Zandar apologized.
"It's all right," Zartan sighed. "We've all been hanging out with those morons too much. And for the record I agree with all of you about them stopping at the second one."
"Zartan!" Zarana snapped.
"You're right! You're right! I'm sorry!" Zartan held up his hand. "I guess I'm not as immune to it as I used to be."
"We've always said that the Dreadnoks…" Tomax began.
"Were infectious," Xamot added. "And not in a good way."
"Why don't you go find Raptor? He's our accountant," Zartan suggested.
"We did," Tomax said.
"Unfortunately the Baroness found him first," Xamot added.
"He's made a nest on top of a large pile of crates on Level 9 and refuses to come down," Tomax finished.
"Good lord, that woman is taking us all down one by one," Zartan blinked.
"Where is she now?" Zarana asked, concerned.
"On Level Nine staking out Raptor," Xamot told her.
"We locked them both in there," Tomax added. "Trust us. It was for the best."
"So I suppose we're all in charge of Cobra now?" Zandar realized.
"It would seem that way," Zartan groaned. "Well at least with the Dreadnoks gone and the Baroness all locked up things will be quiet for a while."
Just then the alarm sounded. "You just had to say that didn't you brother?" Zandar moaned.
"It just slipped out!" Zartan said as they got up and ran out of the room, the Crimson Guard ahead of them. "I don't know what came over me!"
"We are definitely spending too much time with the Dreadnoks!" Zarana groaned.
They saw several purplish gray splatters on the walls. "What happened here?" Zandar asked.
"Synthoids. Someone destroyed some of our synthoids," Zarana frowned. "I'd know that goop anywhere."
"Oh dear…" Xamot winced as they went further into the hallways. Parts of several Battle Android Troopers were scattered all over the place.
"This is disconcerting," Tomax winced as he saw a few real Cobra soldiers that were actually dead.
"Ninjas?" Zandar thought of something.
"No," Zartan looked at the bodies. "Not ninjas. Whoever killed them definitely had skill but not the finesse of a ninja."
"Okay…Then who…?" Zarana began when suddenly she jolted, barely missing bullet just inches from her head.
"Definitely not ninjas!" Zartan pulled out his laser blaster as the group pulled back for cover. "Ninjas don't use guns!"
"I suggest we run for it!" Zandar yelled.
"Head for the main control room!" Tomax shouted.
"It doubles as a panic room!" Xamot added.
"The one good thing about having a coward as a leader," Zartan shouted as they dodged gunfire. "There's always a convenient panic room!"
"Intruders! Get them! Get them!" The Crimson Twins yelled to a battalion of soldiers and Battle Android Troopers running past them in the opposite direction.
Somehow the group managed to make it to the control room. "There, we're locked in!" Zartan said as he finished the controls, shutting the doors.
"Are the security systems working?" Zarana asked. "I'd like to know who the hell is shooting at us!"
"More importantly how did they find us?" Zandar grumbled as he worked the security system. "Well the good news is that the security cameras are still working."
"And the bad news?" Zarana asked.
"Our troops are being decimated," Zandar moaned. "Of course most of them are synthoids and BATS so it's no big loss. Unfortunately a lot of our living soldiers are getting killed."
"So how many are there?" Tomax added.
"It must be an army," Xamot whistled at the carnage on the screen.
"Yeah…An army of one!" Zarana pointed to the screen. There was a tall Inuit man with short black hair wearing grey combat fatigues and armed to the teeth. He was now tearing apart BATS like they were nothing with a laser sword that looked suspiciously like a green light saber.
"Since when did we tick off the Jedi?" Zartan blinked as he saw the laser sword.
"That's not a Jedi!" Tomax gulped.
"That's Kwinn!" Xamot gasped.
"Kwinn? Wait, The Kwinn? As in one of the most dangerous mercenaries and trackers alive Kwinn?" Zartan gasped.
"I've heard of this bloke," Zarana realized. "Didn't he do some work for Cobra a while back?"
"We hired Kwinn for several freelance operations…" Tomax began.
"When we did not want Cobra to be associated with," Xamot added.
"I'm going to take a wild guess as to why he's here…? Zartan sighed. "You owe him money don't you?"
"Technically it's Cobra…" Xamot began.
"That owes him money," Tomax finished.
"Of course…" Zartan groaned. He looked upwards. "Was it too much to ask to have one quiet easy day around here? Seriously?"
"The light saber is new," Tomax blinked.
"Kwinn is a Star Wars fan," Zartan groaned. "I hear he built enough working light sabers to supply an entire army of Jedi."
"Wouldn't it be the Sith army?" Zandar blinked. "I mean considering the circumstances…"
"You want to argue about this now?" Zarana shouted. "Cor! We have been around the Dreadnoks too bloody long!"
"It doesn't matter," Xamot said.
"We're all perfectly safe in here," Tomax reassured them.
"These doors are made of a titanium alloy," Xamot said.
"Completely impenetrable," The Twins said as one.
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Unless of course you have a super charged light saber!" Zartan groaned as a green beam of light started to cut a hole through the door.
"Oh…" Tomax blinked.
"We didn't think of that," Xamot gulped.
"I hate you two so much…" Zartan glared at the Twins.
Kwinn kicked in the cut opening with a mighty clang. "Cobra Commander! You owe me money!" Kwinn growled in a deep voice.
"I'm not Cobra Commander!" Zartan said as he pulled out his blaster along with the others. "Not that it matters! You won't see him anyway!"
WHHHHFRRRRROOOOOM!
Kwinn expertly sliced all the blasters in the room with a single movement with his light saber. "On the other hand maybe this is best discussed between the two of you?" Zartan gulped.
"Hello Xamot, Tomax," Kwinn glared at the Crimson Twins.
"Kwinn…" Tomax gulped. "How nice…"
"To see you again," Xamot gulped.
"Cut the crap," Kwinn glared at them. "It took me a while but I finally tracked you down. Now which one of you is Cobra Commander? We need to talk."
"Well uh, you see the problem is that you kind of caught us at a bad time," Zartan scratched his head. "I'm not the head of Cobra. In fact none of us are. Our leader is a tad…indisposed."
"Indisposed or not," Kwinn growled. "I am owed restitution for my services. I am not leaving until…"
Something whizzed towards Kwinn's head. He simply cut the projectile in half with his weapon. As the pieces hit the ground it was revealed to be a shuriken. Out of nowhere six red clad ninjas appeared behind him.
"Okay those are ninjas…" Zartan explained to the others.
"We figured that out," Zarana glared at him.
"More of your flunkies?" Kwinn growled.
"Not exactly…" Zartan moaned.
"Zartan! You and Cobra will die!" The lead ninja spoke up. "The Red Ninjas will have vengeance at last!"
"Red Ninjas?" Kwinn looked at Zartan.
"Long story. Don't ask," Zartan sighed. "They're enemies of Cobra."
"Zartan and Cobra have stained our clan's honor," The lead ninja spoke. "You have no right to interfere outsider!"
"Don't talk to me about honor," Kwinn gave them a look. "My life is based on honor. As soon as I get paid you are all free to kill the lot of them."
"How is that honorable?" Another ninja asked.
"A contract is a matter of honor. I have a contract with these people and they must pay," Kwinn said. "They can't do that if they are dead."
"How about if we pay you to kill them?" One ninja asked.
"Only after they pay me first! It's a thing I have!" Kwinn snapped.
"It does sort of make sense," Zartan pointed out.
"Shut up Zartan!" Another ninja shouted. "Now you all die!"
With a swiftness of a ninja Kwinn pulled out his light saber and killed all but one of the ninjas in a single stroke. The lead ninja managed to dodge the blade but was surprised when Kwinn managed to rush and grab him by the throat with his other hand. A loud krack was heard as Kwinn broke the ninja's neck and dropped him to the ground.
"Yeah…not gonna happen," Kwinn snorted. "Never understood why everyone makes a big deal about ninjas."
"Very…Efficient…" Xamot gulped.
"Now about my payment…" Kwinn began. He was interrupted by the sounds of screams coming from the monitors. "What the…?"
"Oh I see the Baroness found some ninjas of her own to play with," Zandar groaned as he watched what was going on.
"Red Ninjas always travel in packs of twelve or more," Zartan said. "I wondered where the rest of them were."
"Who the hell is that chasing them?" Kwinn watched the monitor.
"That's the Baroness," Xamot explained.
"She's in charge of the payroll," Tomax added.
"YEOWWWWW!"
"The insane woman that just bit a ninja on the behind is the one responsible for Cobra's finances?" Kwinn blinked.
"She hasn't exactly been…herself lately," Xamot explained.
"She's bloody barking mad. Literally!" Zarana groaned.
"You see there was this accident with an experimental hypnosis ray gun and…" Zartan began. "You know how these things go."
"Believe it or not…I do," Kwinn snorted. "I once did security for this idiot named Dr. Venom. Man was total incompetent."
"Really?" Zartan raised an eyebrow. "Do tell."
"I would have killed him myself but he paid well," Kwinn shrugged. "Now about my payment…"
"BUCK! BUCK! BUCKAWWWWW!"
"What is going on over there?" Kwinn looked at another monitor. "Who are those people in the mime outfits and guns?"
"Beats me," Zartan blinked.
"Uh we know of those gentlemen," Tomax coughed.
"They are the Brotherhood of Mime Assassins," Xamot said. "Cobra Commander…
"Hired them to do a job a year ago…" Tomax went on.
"But never signed the check for payment," Xamot finished.
"Oh right. The BMA," Zarana nodded. "I thought those guys were a myth?"
"They are," Tomax said.
"But they are also real," Xamot added.
"Silent. But deadly real," Tomax said.
"Well they are mimes after all," Xamot finished.
"AAAAAAHHH!"
"Not so quiet now," Zarana said.
"To be fair if you had a mutated evil chicken pecking your skull in you wouldn't be so quiet either," Zartan added.
Kwinn looked at them. "You have got to be kidding me? How many people have you Cobras screwed over?"
"It's quite a long list," Zandar sighed.
"Again, not the guy in charge," Zartan waved his hands in protest. "Not my decisions. That was my boss!"
"How did they find us?" Zandar asked.
"Mime assassins tend to follow ninjas around like lawyers after an ambulance," Kwinn scoffed. "Must have followed the Red Ninjas."
"AAAAHHHH!"
"BARK! BARK! BARK!"
"Who are now being torn apart by the Baroness…" Zartan added.
"BAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"And our soldiers who still think they are sheep," Zartan groaned.
Kwinn just realized something. "Dr. Venom works here doesn't he?"
"However did you guess?" Zartan asked sarcastically. "Uh oh…One of the ninjas is getting away!"
"MEOWWWW! RARRR!"
"Oh no, wait. Cadet Deming got him," Zartan said.
"Notice that tramp fights better as a cat than a human?" Zarana snorted.
"And who is the man in the bird suit attacking the mimes with the mutant chickens?" Kwinn asked.
"That's our accountant," Tomax explained.
"DIE MIMES DIE!" Raptor laughed manically. "GO MY PRETTIES! GO! PECK THEIR FACES OFF! HA HA HA HA!"
"Starting to see why you haven't paid me yet," Kwinn glared at the Cobras. "Still honor demands that I get paid. I want to see Cobra Commander now!"
"It's raining sssssunsssshine! It's raining sssunnshhinnee!"
"Careful what you wish for," Zartan sighed.
"It's raining sssssunnsssshinnee! It's raining ssssunnnsshhine!" Cobra Commander staggered in. He was wearing his cowl and a hospital gown with his left arm in a cast and nothing else. "And it'ssss all musssic to my earrsssss!"
"I didn't want to see that much of him!" Kwinn winced as the Commander's blue Cobra La skin and behind was showing through the see through gown.
"What a happy, happy day!" Cobra Commander giggled. "The sound of screaming through the halls is so soothing! Especially when it's not mine!"
"Did Venom have something to do with that too?" Kwinn asked.
"No, he's just stoned and psychotic," Zartan sighed.
"Oh Hell," Kwinn deactivated his weapon. "I can't kill you morons. There's no honor in killing the incompetent!"
"Who's incompetent?" Cobra Commander turned on him. "Not me! Look how well I can dance! La! Dee dee dah la de dah!" He began to dance around. "And one and two and kick…"
"No! No kicking!" Kwinn winced as the Commander revealed more of his anatomy than he ever wanted to see. "I've changed my mind! I don't want to see your leader!"
"Whose turn is it?" Zartan groaned.
"Mine…" Zandar rolled his eyes. "Come on Cobra Commander. Let's go back to your room. And put some pants on…"
"Did I pass the audition?" The Commander hiccupped as Zandar took him by his good arm.
"Oh yeah. You passed all right," Zandar said sarcastically as he led him out. "With flying colors!"
"Sorry about all this," Xamot apologized to Kwinn.
"We were never this disorganized before," Tomax added.
"The economy you know?" Xamot shrugged.
"Tell me about it. Not even the mercenary business is that steady anymore," Kwinn grumbled. "I've been wanting to get out for years and I've been counting on the money from this gig to do it! Now what?"
"Uh…" Zartan saw something and pushed a button on a wall. A whooshing sound was heard and a small box popped out. "Happy Nugget?"
"I need money and you are offering me chicken nuggets as payment?" Kwinn gave him a look.
"Well obviously more than this box…" Zartan held the box out sheepishly.
"It's a start," Kwinn took the box and opened it. "But I need more than this to satisfy my honor."
"We could always start with satisfying your hunger and move on from there," Zartan said.
"Hmmm," Kwinn bit into the nugget. "You can really taste the squirrel."
"Uh…" Xamot gulped.
"Oh," Tomax gulped as well.
"No, I like it," Kwinn told him. "Gives it that extra kick. You know, I've been thinking of getting into the gourmet catering business. Being a mercenary is only a job I'm doing to invest in my dream."
"Really?" Zartan blinked. "Gourmet catering?"
"Why not? I like cooking and exotic foods," Kwinn said as he ate the nuggets. "You know for squirrel nuggets these are better than average?"
"Well…" Zartan began.
"I mean these are really good nuggets," Kwinn said as he ate. "Very impressed. All they need is a decent dipping sauce. Maybe something sweet and spicy? With chili pepper and honey?"
"So what you really want is to have your own gourmet catering business," Zartan looked at the others. "And what we really want is to keep on breathing…"
"Kwinn…May we suggest…?" Xamot began.
"A proposition?" Tomax finished.
Thirty minutes later….
"Let me see if I get this straight," Mindbender blinked. He looked at Zartan, Zarana, Xamot and Tomax in one of the base's meeting rooms. "After all that you made Kwinn the President of the new Clucky Chicken Gourmet Catering Division?"
"In addition to all the 'free' nuggets he wants," Tomax began.
"He gets to run our restaurant's new catering division," Xamot added.
"Since when do we run a catering service?" Mindbender asked.
"Since thirty minutes ago when we made Kwinn president of it," Zartan explained.
"He gets to run that part of the company…" Xamot started.
"Including choosing the menus, heading the tasting kitchens, research and development," Tomax added.
"He also agreed to do a few more security jobs on the side when we need him," Xamot added.
"And in exchanged he promised not to kill us," Zartan said. "He gets experience and to do the job he really loves and we get a very formidable operative in the field."
"He's already lining up potential clients and events from his friends in the mercenary business," Tomax said.
"The ones that are still alive anyway," Xamot added. "Apparently squirrel nuggets are very popular with that crowd."
"Very clever," Mindbender nodded. "It's about time Cobra got someone that is actually competent."
"No exceptions for present company," Zandar quipped.
"Hey! I am doing the best I can trying to figure out that stupid hypnosis ray!" Mindbender snapped. "I'm not the one who built and designed it!"
"I uh, wasn't referring to you," Zandar pointed behind Mindbender.
"It's a beautiful day! In Cobratown USA!" Cobra Commander staggered around, his arm still in a sling, but this time he was wearing his uniform. "Where typical folks, get drunk and play all day…" He walked out of the room and continued singing down the hallway.
"Oh, right." Mindbender blinked. "You know, I could just continue the Commander's medication for another week or two."
"Better make it at least three," Zartan remarked.
"Aren't you going to fix the Commander's arm?" Zandar asked. "Using that special ray you have for mending broken bones?"
"Eventually," Mindbender shrugged. "So where is the Baroness?"
"She and all the other animals are behind the door there," Zartan pointed to a nearby yellow door. "After they chewed up the ninjas and the mimes they settled right down."
"You know, considering half our command staff is either out of their bleeding minds or just out the door we're doing pretty well," Zarana remarked. "I think things might be finally turning around for us."
"What the devil is all this blood in the hallway?" Destro's voice could be heard. "ZARTAN! WHAT HAVE YOU AND THOSE FOOLS YOU CALL UNDERLINGS DONE NOW?"
"Don't be so sure about that, sister," Zartan groaned.
"Zartan! What happened here?" Destro stormed in. "I go away for a few days of peace and quiet and I come back to chaos! More than usual!"
"And hello to you too Destro," Zartan remarked. "We're fine. Thanks for asking!"
"What did you idiots do now?" Destro snapped. "I can't I go away for some relaxation without things going to pot around this madhouse?"
"For once it wasn't our fault. For starters, we barely survived a few attacks by some Red Ninjas and Mime Assassins," Zartan glared at Destro. "Not to mention…"
"I don't care what went on! Obviously security is lax with you morons running things!" Destro snapped.
"Well maybe you shouldn't have left then?" Zarana snapped. "We shouldn't be responsible for the messes your girlfriend makes while you cheat on her!"
"Perhaps not, but you are responsible for the security and safety of this base!" Destro glared. "I don't even know why I'm shocked. I should know by now that you lot have the competence of a boozed up security guard."
"Really? Destro there's something I want to show you," Zartan got up from the chair and went towards the yellow door.
"What?" Destro folded his arms.
"Come over here. I'll show you," Zartan motioned.
"This better be good," Destro walked over to the door.
"Oh it is," Zartan said. "This explains everything."
"What explains everything?" Destro asked as Zartan opened the door.
"This! HERE GIRL!" Zartan shouted as he shoved Destro in the room. "GO GET 'EM!"
"WHAT? NO!" Destro yelled as Zartan locked him in the room. "ZARTAN! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"GRRRR! BARK! BARK! BARK!"
"AAAAHHHH!" Destro yelled as they heard the Baroness maul him. "GET OFF OF ME! OWWWWW!"
"YES!" Zarana laughed as she high fived Zartan.
"That never stops being funny," Zandar smirked.