Alternate After X-3
St. Peter and an attending Cherub watch over the Pearly Gates, helping new arrivals in Heaven.
Cherub: Oh, look who's here!
St. Peter: Dear me, Mr. Summers, we weren't expecting you for some time.
Cyclops: Yes, well, we can blame Brett Ratner. Not to mention Bryan Singer for not holding production on Superman Returns.
St. Peter: What?
Cyclops: Never mind, so this is where I'll be spending eternity?
St: Peter: Oh yes, never any doubt about that, my boy. We're all very pleased with the work you and the X-Men have done over the years.
Cherub: Well, most of it.
St. Peter: Shh! Well, anyway, you're here now and we're very glad to have you. We just need to go through and review your life. Don't worry, it's just a formality.
Cyclops: Um, all right.
St. Peter: So, here we go… let's see… We've got you and your lovely family, your father, mother, and brother, and there was a plane accident. Well, these things do happen. Often times tragedies like these shape a person's character, teach them things, and bring out a person's strength. It's quite necessary; you understand I'm sure, a bright boy like you.
Cyclops: (Stiffly) I suppose I do.
St. Peter: Of course you do. Now, after that you were in an orphanage that happened to be run by… oh dear… Well, you see, it takes both good and evil to maintain order in the universe and, well, as I said before about shaping a person's character.
Cyclops: (More Stiffly) If that's how you want to put it, then by all means…
St. Peter: (Getting uncomfortable) So, you were in a coma, during which you were separated from your brother. You ran away to escape your torments there, and as your mutant ability emerged you found you couldn't control it due to the injuries you'd suffered earlier in your life. Then you met a man named Jack and… oh…
Cyclops: (He tone becomes almost acidic) Yes, I remember, do go on.
St. Peter: (Laughs nervously) Well, shortly thereafter you met Professor Xavier…
Cyclops: (Nods)
St. Peter: …who is a strange middle aged man who made you wear spandex.
Cherub: It sounds dirty when you say it like that.
Cyclops: Strangely enough that was the good part.
St. Peter: (Shifting from foot to foot) Well you were a founding member of the X-Men and met your lovely wife Jean. There, that's not so bad is it? And you had a lot of wonderful adventures with your new friends.
Cyclops: They might be wonderful adventures if they were in a comic book and someone were reading them, but to actually be there…
St. Peter: And you were reunited with your family. Alex became Havoc, and you found Gabriel eventually and you found out about Gambit, that was a twist we had fun with up here, let me tell you.
Cyclops: Yes, my family tree does have many branches.
Cherub: Oh, you didn't find out the half of it. Logan's your grandfather's second cousin twice removed… by marriage.
Cyclops: Huh?
St. Peter: Shhh…
Cherub: (Continues, paying St. Peter no heed.) You're actually your own great uncle. It was very complicated but it's true. We worked it out.
St. Peter: Er… yes… so anyway you were married, but your wife was attracted to another man.
Cyclops: (nods)
St. Peter: So then your wife died.
Cyclops: That's right.
St. Peter: Then she came back to life.
Cyclops: Uh huh…
St. Peter: Then she killed you.
Cyclops: Yes
St. Peter: (Long awkward pause) I'm going to have to call in a specialist. (He snaps his fingers and a man approaches) This is Job, he'll be working with you.
Job: You got fucked.
Cyclops: Roughly and without lube.
(Prologue: afterwards)
Cyclops: Jean! You're here!
Jean: Oh, my love! I was out of my mind, forgive me!
Cyclops: All is forgiven! We can be together now!
Jean: Umm…
Cyclops: What's the matter?
Jean: Oh dear… Scott, my darling, this is embarrassing. I was actually just leaving.
Cyclops: I was wondering why Heaven had a big revolving door with your name on it.
Jean: Funny story that, actually…