Or, in other words, why Kida pisses every
In which Kida pisses everyone off and makes the Ren family utterly hate him. Warning for some misogynistic thoughts because Kida is a misogynist, he isn't exactly the purest with females, unlike canon Baba. Warning for bashing of Toto (because Kida hates her, does the character hating her for a legit reason explored later on count?), a bit of bashing of Kougyoku (because once again, Kida has trouble with trusting in women, so he tends to be a bit...ish towards them.)
Alibaba with ASPD/sociopathy, Kida.
Side story to Compromised Reality, these are the untold stories of Kida pissing others off.
One: IN WHICH KOUEN IS TROLLED BY THE SHOGUN.
"You're to marry Princess Kougyoku." Kouen said to me, with every intent of making me fulfill that promise.
Oh god, I could just see him, eyes twinkling, waiting for me to bang my precious waifu for laifu as I happily paid tons of money in child support and became a beer-drinking loser who watched racing on television and raced John Deere trucks-oh wait, that's an American loser. Oh well.
I just stared. And stared.
And stared for a good five minutes, and stared, until he stared, because he was tired of me staring at him.
"What?"
I said nothing and stared, irritating him further.
I just stared at him in disbelief.
Why would he do this to me? Why, goat-bearded man?
What the literal fuck are you trying to do?
Are you trying to doom your society? Is that why you're honestly suggesting this match?
Blond-haired and red-haired, red-eyed kids? Were you trying to breed the devil's children? I guarantee, blond-haired, pink-eyed children are going to be treated well in this society. And on top of that, there's the whole red eyes thing. Might have to get an exorcism for them. Or colored contacts.
Oh, yeah, there's also the whole her being an illegitimate daughter thing-that might pose a problem down the road, sometime in the future. I don't know. Something about legitimacy to the throne.
And also, I'm from another world and have more important shit to do than to sit around and breed a family.
On top of that, I just really don't love her. Can that be a valid emotion, too?
I didn't love her. I didn't care for her the way he thought I did. To me, she is just an irritant, too naive, too sentimental, too much emotion. Too much of the E word equals a pain to deal with, and like I wanted to deal with all her genocidal, highly racist pieces of shit relatives. Especially this one here.
They're all highly racist, highly sexist and probably highly biphobic assholes. Fuck them.
Yeah, I wanna go back home now.
I didn't just not trust him. I hated him. Not just because I have no empathy, but because I disliked his high and mighty attitude, (I mean, isn't it customary to at least ask the woman what she wants before forcing her on some dude?) Second, he needs to shave his beard. He looks like a woolly mammoth. Third, that outfit of his screamed I am evil for miles. Might wanna change to blinding red or get a cape like all the badass villains do.
There were many reasons I didn't want to marry her. The first was simple enough, I didn't love her, nor did I have the capacity to. I wasn't straight. The second: I didn't want to.
I had no moral obligation to marry her or care for her, why should I? Just because she's a female, I should be a raging bull and screw her brains out? How about no, I control myself just fine, thank you. And I choose my own partners. That's my decision, so butt out of my life, man.
Third, I wanted no ties to a racist, disgusting organization like this. I wasn't part of their world, nor did I want to be. I lived for my own goals only and none of them required being part of a genocidal society. Like hell I would play pretend and buy into their bullshit.
Fourth, I hated him. That's enough reason for me to say no. Before you say it isn't, keep in mind: one, I don't care what you say, and two, I most likely will tell you to go to a fiery place that may or may not exist. Three, I might try to send you to said place.
"I can't. I'm not going to, no matter how many times you try to make me." I said defiantly. "It's dishonest, at least let her know before. This isn't fair to Kougyoku."
Something like that.
I mean, if I wake up married with someone, I at least want to be fucking aware of it. I might not be attracted to her or want to screw her, but at least she deserved that much. I always make sure the girls I bed are okay with it. Always. I'm a sociopath but I'm not one of those guys. Ugh, those guys are scummy.
Also, another reason I wanted to be away from her is that my darkest emotions made themselves known around her-the urge to manipulate and break her. I don't care for breaking people. Manipulation, if it leads to something, sure, why not? But I just wanted to stay away from someone as confusing and complicated as her.
I preferred women who were quiet, not talkative, not emotional, like Saki. Saki had been a great woman for those reasons. She listened when you talked, she was intelligent and charming, and she had considerable loyalty and devotion to me. But the serpent took care of that relationship.
So I had a terrible choice of women. It was either the random girls I screwed here, the ugly ones (some of them were actually really nice and good in bed, there's no point in judging by looks, if you're a good sex partner, you'll do), an abusive bitch like Toto (I hated her from the start, so there), the Fanalis like Morgiana, or else the naive princess with a bunch of evil brothers who wanted to kill me.
Then there's that magi, but she's dead. I'm not into necrophilia. Not all of us sociopaths are into that.
I flushed slightly. Damn, Morgiana was hot. I suppose I liked her mostly because she did whatever she wanted, like me. Because she's rebellious. She's not satisfied with things as they are. She won't put up with my shit, she fights back. It's hot.
It's really, really hot to see a girl with such spunk, energy and passion. No wonder I've developed a longing for her. I won't quite call it a crush as it's more like me just wanting to be with her. She also has nice legs, too. Does that count?
But I don't want to have that kind of relationship yet with her. She's still a teen, that's gross. All of my partners are adults.
I glanced at Kouen. "Dude, that's like, really creepy. You're offering your own sister up as a prize for me, without her knowledge. Have you had a background check?" Of course, he wouldn't get the last part.
"This is tradition." He said, seemingly unfazed.
"Oh, so it's tradition to treat them like objects with no will of their own. I wonder what she'd say if she knew you thought of her in that way?"
His eyes narrowed. "What kind of foolishness are you saying, Saluja! This is the only chance for you to reclaim your country! You'll do as we say!"
"What if I don't want to?" I said flippantly.
Koumei was snickering behind me.
"Right, right, for the honor of my country or something!" I said, ignoring his reddening face.
"There's no honor in me marrying someone I don't even have a relationship with outside of friendship. We haven't even screwed yet. How is this legal, man?"
Kouen was flushing crimson at this point. "I don't know what's gotten into you, Saluja, but come back here."
"Why?"
"Because I said-"
"Why?"
"Stop it!" He growled, "Are you a child?"
"Are you an old man? Your beard needs trimmed. Beginning to look like a warlock." I chirped.
"You can have as many women as you want, you know." Koumei said.
Sweet deal. But seriously, no way in hell was she going to be my number one waifu or something. Fuck no.
"I can't do it, even with the promise of tons of females. You see, there's a reason I cannot. I'm...I'm not a virgin. Therefore, I can't be married. Do those rules apply to guys, too? I'm not pure." I urged.
Koumei was now laughing so hard and Kouen was losing his patience. "It only matters for her, not for you. You will marry her!"
"Brother, what's going on?"
There she was.
Looking like a Disney princess again, what, did she take a time machine and rob one of their stores? Ditch the high voice, please! Next, she's gonna have some cute, friendly animal appear and songs start playing. Please, kill me.
"They were just discussing marrying you off to some creepy old guy you've never even met." I added.
"Why would you do that without asking me first?" She boomed.
There's some of that rage I love seeing people have. I leaned by lazily, snacking on a cherry.
Ah, screwing with people's mental states. It's so fun.
"Come on, Alibaba-chan, let's go away from my brother and let him calm down."
"Don't forget to shave." I said.
"SALUJA!" He boomed.
"What did you think you were doing, taunting him?" She said, "That was reckless. But it was sort of amazing."
Oh god, no. Get away from me. I can't resist throwing myself at girls, but when one comes near me like this, I don't want any. Go away. This is friends only.
"You can tell me anything, you know? I want to help you."
Tell you anything? Even about my recent trips to the toilet, my dental work before I'd been thrown in the past, about my shaving mishaps, and my sex adventures? Seriously? You've gotta have a limit, poor girl. I don't think you want to know about my acne or about my experiences after eating bad burritos.
And no way was I telling her anything important or useful. She's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Second, with the super creepy and powerful Emperor dude there, it's better that I only tell her useless information.
"You were the first to understand my feelings-"
No, no, anything but feelings! Fucking feelings, man, get 'em away from me! All they do is make things ten thousand times harder.
"I'll do anything for you." She said.
"...No." I said, backing out of it. Backing away from her, not the friendship. You get what I mean.
"I'm sorry, but you should give up on those feelings right away. Love is blind. Give up on it now."
"Eh?" She said.
"We're just friends and it should stay that way." I said.
Besides, think of all the constant surveillance. Being a fucking prince=boringgggg. Constant authority, no freedom to do what I fucking want. I still wanna steal things, lie and shit and you can't do that when you're a king.
When Sinbad showed up and told me he'd been using her like a piece of spyware to spy on her family, I was thoroughly unimpressed. What a noob.
"Dude, you're such a voyeur. Why not just get a webcam if you're that interested?" I snickered.
He looked puzzled. "Alibaba-kun, aren't you upset with me?"
"Disgusted? Yes. Want to punch you in the face? Maybe. But upset? Nope. Why should I be?" I said.
He stared at me in frustration. "Alibaba-kun, don't you care about what happens to her mental state?"
"If this is a trap you're trying to lure me into, the answer is no. If I say yes, you'll do something way~ worse. So no, not answering." I chirped.
"Alibaba-kun, this isn't funny." He said sharply.
"Oh, I know, doing things for your country bullshit. You just want to spy on her because you want to marry her or something. You're as much of a pedo as it comes." I said flippantly.
"Alibaba-kun, what's wrong with you?"
"I'm not the one possessing a teenage female's body right now. So there's nothing wrong with me. I'm perfectly fine with being a man. You, on the other hand...seem to have some identity issues."
His face darkened. "Alibaba-kun, knock it off with this foolishness!"
"I only assist those who do things for me. You have done things for me, however it depends on what it is." I said cheerfully.
"So you were acting before." He said calmly, "How did I not see through it?"
"I'm a good mimic." I said, shaking my head. "I'm sure telling her will lead to her being executed or something. And I don't wanna lose my head."
"Selfish."
"Isn't everyone?" I said, "I don't really know her. I don't get her. Why am I supposed to? She's someone I've had like, less than ten conversations with, including her touching me without my consent, on my shoulders. Yet I'm supposed to marry her? No logic in that. I'd rather continue having girls without being married."
"Alibaba-kun, you've become a marvelous young man!" He chirped. "You're not a virgin?"
"Never been! I've scored 100 or more women!" I said cheerfully.
"There's this good place for girls, just head on down there, tell them you know me, and you'll score well." He said cheerfully. His face paled. "What is it I hear about Reim pushing you out? Did you do something?"
"Other than call them out on their hypocrisy, no. They tried to kill me, so I killed their reputation. Fair enough."
"I see. You're a sociopath." He said.
"Yup!" I chirped.
"The self-centeredness, the arrogance, the lack of interest in others, the fearlessness. I should've seen it coming." He had his head in his hands.
"Sinbad, if you wanna talk so much, invent the cell phone."
"A shell phone? That sounds like a marvelous device. Jafar, discover if people can speak through shells to each other."
"I said cell-"
But he left Kougyoku's body.
Leaving me alone with just an unconscious female.
Boring.
I'd rather do something else, like play monopoly. I was on turn sixty when she woke up, with me getting all the money. Okay, I should clarify, it was imaginary monopoly, all in my head.
The events of today left me with a lot ot think about. One, should I get Morgiana to go party with me? Second, can I get Kougyoku to become a lesbian, and three, Sinbad had good contacts for women. Gotta return that some time.
I could hardly give less of three thousand fucks that her mind had been tampered with. I'd gotten some things a man dies for. Hopefully, she finds some good guy for her who's not a creep like me and Sinbad.
"Alibaba-chan, what is raving and why do I want to do it all of a sudden?" She said, getting up and suddenly dancing in the middle of the room.
"Never mind. Just do what your mind wants." I said. That won't lead to anything bad happening. No way.
More women and a patent for inventing the best device ever.
I also discovered that for some reason, telling Kougyoku compliments makes her wilt like a flower.
It's the most bizarre thing ever. Why do you need someone stroking your ego? Isn't that what self-help is for?
I'm not her therapist.
"You did this." I said, pointing out the obvious.
"Alibaba!" She cried.
Wow.
"You're incredible." I said, looking at pages of "How to sound as corny and stupid as possible for beginners".
"Thank you, Alibaba!"
"Uh...okay." I said. I just said incredible, not like "you're beautiful", or "you're so fucking hot I could smash you at any time of the day and never care." God. Incredible? In no way is that an effective compliment. It's a stupid compliment.
"This country is safe because of you!" I put in as much emotion as possible.
Then to my astonishment, she started to cry. What the literal fuck.
She isn't sad. Why the fuck is she crying?
"Thank you so much, Alibaba!"
"Okay..." I muttered, taken aback by this, immediately tossing her a tissue box. "Don't catch a cold."
"Huh?"
"Why else would you be sniffling like that?" I pointed out.
Her face heated up. "Um...I'm just really happy, that's all."
Uh, so humans cry when they're happy? Like that makes any sense at all.
In other sociopathic misadventures, I also discovered that flirting completely startles her.
But I'd rather use flirtatious gestures on Morgiana. Much more fun.
"Hey, Morgiana! We should rearrange the alphabet and put you and I together!" I said.
She looked at me before flushing. "What the...what are you doing, Alibaba?"
"It's called flirting! Here's the second one! I must be hunting treasure, because I dig your chest."
The reaction, immediate. She paused, trying to figure out what I meant, before she kicked me straight into the wall.
Haha.
I got back up, laughing. "And another one: did you just come out of the oven, Morgiana? Because you are looking hot..."
Her face flushed considerably at that. "Are you...are you hitting on me, Alibaba-san?"
"Alibaba-kun is actually using good pickup lines! This is impossible!" Aladdin cried.
Hakuryuu's face was burning red with...rage, maybe? Oh, was I preventing something from happening between these two?
Delicious.
I grinned widely at him.
"This is for you, Morgiana." I reached over and kissed her on the cheek, leaving her beet red and stomping everything in sight.
"A-A-libaba?" She stammered, coming near me. "Y-You...?"
"I like you. I think you're cute. So let's make out."
"But-"
Then I woke up because it was just a dream.
Morgiana is right beside me, anyway.