Disclaimer: Ever notice how everyone writes these? Maybe the computers are subliminally forcing us to do stuff, just like in 1984 and *NERPT* Help! Thought police!
Note: I've succumbed to the dark side and created an original character (if changing the name of a late psychoanalyst counts as original). I just figured it was easier to pick on a dead guy because what's he gonna do- use skeletal powers?
COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER ONE
Principal Kelly drummed his fingers nervously on his desk. 'Where is that blasted psychiatrist?' he thought angrily. 'He's 43 minutes late and does he care? Of course not! Nobody cares about poor Edward Kelly!' A loud knock at the door prevented him from further wallowing in self-pity.
"Greetinks, Principal Kelly." an eldery man with a bushy white bread and thick German accent swung the door open and smiled warmly at Principal Kelly.
'He just waltzes in here, without my consent! What a jerk!' Kelly thought bitterly. Aloud, he said "Come in, come in. Have a seat". He gestured to an empty chair. "Dr. Fraud, I presume?"
"Ja, dat's me. Dr. Sidney Fraud, ze new zychiatrist." Dr. Fraud beamed and thrust out his hand, but Kelly refused to shake. "I am so eegzited to be vorking here. I haf heard much about zis school." Fraud added.
"Oh?" Kelly didn't like the direction this conversation was going. He wasn't sure WHAT Dr. Fraud had been told about Bayville High (or its principal) but he was willing to bet it wasn't good.
"Ja. Ze tinks dey tell me of Bayveel! Zuch an intristink place, wit zuch intristink zoodents and facoolty." At this point, Kelly gave Dr. Fraud a look that clearly said 'If you don't shut up I'm gonna kick your Green Card carrying ass back to Germany!'. Fraud, however, took no notice and continued talking. "Anyvay, I can't vait to start my job here. I look forvard to seeing all ze zoodents in private zessions. I feel dat is ze best vay to get to know somevun, nein? I hav evertink planned out. Ve'll begin introductory zessions wit vord azzociation, Rorschach ink blots, and graphology assessment in order to zuccessfully determine ze proper diagnosis and treatment of ze..."
'Right now, I should be spending time with my good friend José Cuervo, but nooo!!! Mr. High-And-Mighty-I-Got-My-PhD-At-Harvard-And-You-Had-To-Settle-For-Williams is going on and on about some stupid psychobabble and all I can do is smile and nod even though inside, I'm screaming.' Kelly felt his blood pressure beginning to rise. If that pretentious psychiatrist kept this up, he didn't think he could keep from punching him in the nose.
"Zo, vhat joo dink?" Fraud asked. Kelly noted that he STILL had that same idiotic smile on his face.
Not wanting to admit that he hadn't been listening, Kelly responded with a quick "I think that's a marvelous idea."
"Vunderbar! I'm so hoppy! Most principals do not agree to have a zession wit me, but here joo are, so villing! I'll schedule you from three to four, ja?" Fraud said as he pulled out an appointment book and penciled Kelly's name in. "Vat say ve haf a liddle look around ze campus, mein vriend!" Fraud called out merrily as he left Kelly's office.
Principal Kelly stood there, dumbfounded. The realization that he had just agreed to spend an hour with a shrink had hit him like a ton of bricks. He sighed, and began following the good doctor. 'Can this day possibly get any worse?' he wondered. As it turns out, it could.