Voldie and the Lockhart-Syndrome
A/N: I wrote this fanfiction with a friend of mine, who's also a fellow Her name is Linda Lupos.
When you're reading this fict, you will come along some mistakes. This however doesn't make this fict unreadable, so we aren't going to fix them. I hope you enjoy this fict.
Disclaimer: None of the characters, save Linda and Anne, are ours. We based the characters in this fict upon the ones you can find in the books of Ms JK Rowling.
Summary: Severus has a syndrome. McGonagall knows the remedy. Voldemort gets involved in this.
Rating: I rated this fict PG-13 because of some language used in it.
Once upon a time, at Hogwarts there was a teacher with the name Gilderoy Lockhart. He was loved by all his students, except the male ones and everybody save H. Granger.
Well... and a few other females maybe... point is that he was deadly arrogant and absolutely loved himself. He so much loved himself that he didn't notice he was loathed by his colleagues. But no one hated Goldylocks – eh, Gilderoy more than Severus Snape. And he happens (yes, he just happens...) to be the one who we're concentrating us upon in this lovely fict.
You see, one day, Severus woke up with an appalling, most amazing feeling: he desperately wanted to wash and curl his hair. Something very unsnape-ish... after all, he was known for his greasy appearance.
So, after he woke up, he took a shower, washed and curled his hair, got dressed and went to the Great Hall for breakfast. He skipped into the Great Hall, gave all his colleagues a warm hug, but then – he found himself face-to-face with Albus Dumbledore. The old Headmaster looked at his Potions Master in his frilly green robes, and curled hair with silver highlights, and said: "oh my gosh, you so look like Gilderoy Lockhart!"
"Whoopsiedaisies, I do!" exclaimed Snape. "But don't I look absolutely gorgeous?"
"You do!" said Dumbledore. "Do tell me where you bought those highlights!"
"I made them myself," said Snape proudly. Minerva McGonagall overheard the conversation from Snape and Dumbledore...
"Guys? Everything alright there?" she asked.
"Oh my GOSH, Minnie, I love your tartan shawl!" exclaimed Snape.
"Oh. My. God." Said Dumbledore, "tartan is so five minutes ago!" And he tutted. "It's flowers all the way!"
"It is? Five minutes ago you said?" asked McGonagall, and she began to search for her Timeturner.
"Oh... it's just a way of saying, Minnie," said Dumbledore.
"DON'T – CALL – ME – THAT," McGonagall hissed.
"Call you what, Minnie?" asked Dumbledore. Meanwhile offering Snape a lemon drop, who happily accepted it.
"DON'T CALL ME MINNIE!" McGonagall hissed.
"What should I call you then? Maxi?"
"It's either Minerva or McGonagall," she said.
"Don't be so snappish, Minnie," Snape told her. "It gives you wrinkles."
"It does?" Dumbledore asked interestedly. "Oh my gosh!"
"Shut up with your 'oh my gosh'!" shrieked McGonagall. "Oh, and before I forget, Sev –"
"It still remains Severus, MINNIE!" sneered Snape.
"Yes... well, I'm still addressing you, SNAPE," said, McGonagall, slightly sarcastic. "What I wanted to say, is you so have the Lockhart-Syndrome!"
"OH NO!" Snape shrieked, clapping his hands to his cheeks. "What should I do now!"
"THE RITUAL!" Dumbledore and McGonagall happily yelled, and in no time they'd tied Snape with his wrists and ankles to a pole, and they carried him off to the dungeons, where the mysterious Ritual would take place...
"This ritual..."
"Ritual, not ritual, you silly boy," said Dumbledore.
"You lost me..." Snape said.
"I didn't! You're right in front of me!" McGonagall said.
"Euh... right... anyway, this Ritual... what is it about?" Snape asked anxiously.
"About ridding you of your DEMON!" Dumbledore yelled.
"Why are you yelling?" McGonagall wanted to know.
"I felt like it," Dumbledore shrugged.
"You... felt like it? I see..." McGonagall said.
"You can see? Wow... amazing..." Snape said.
"Yes, with my superduperglasses!" McGonagall said, pointing at her square glasses.
"You do know that square is also a word for gay, right?" Dumbledore wondered.
"It... it is?" McGonagall whispered.
"Yep," said Dumbledore. McGonagall took off her glasses, and began to make them round.
"That's better," she said.
"No, now you just look like that Potter-guy," Dumbledore said.
"Which one?" McGonagall wanted to know.
"All of them!" Snape shrieked.
"All of them?" Dumbledore echoed. "How many are there?"
"Well, two, but... that's two to many!"
"I agree," said McGonagall.
"Me too," said Dumbledore, to the surprise of Snape.
"But – but – I thought you loved the Potters! You know, The Boy Who Lived and all..." he stuttered.
"Well yes, but that got awfully boring," Dumbledore shrugged.
"Aha... okay... anyway, I thought we were here for The Ritual, which rids me of my syndrome," Snape wondered.
"Oh right, okay, true. Uhm. Ah, we're there!"
"Where?" Snape wanted to know, but then he got sight of a small rattish guy. "YOU!"
"ME!" Peter Pettigrew shrieked back.
"What are you doing here?"
"What are YOU doing here?" echoed Pettigrew.
"Don't you echo me! I asked it first, so you answer first!" Snape shrieked again.
"DON'T SHRIEK!" Dumbledore shrieked. "It gives wrinkles, remember?"
"Oh, right, of course. Anyway, Pettigrew, what are you doing here!"
"I'm sent here by my master," Pettigrew said proudly.
"Only animals have a master!" McGonagall called.
"I am an animal, remember?" Pettigrew answered.
"Oh, yeah, you're a foul RAT, aren't you!"
"Uhm, yes. Err, anyway... my master's gonna perform The Ritual."
"And who's your master?" Snape snarled. "The king of the traitorous rats!"
"Ahem..."
"Oh, Voldiemoldieshorts, it's you, isn't it?" Dumbledore said.
"DON'T – CALL – ME – VOLDIEMOLDIESHORTS!" Voldie shrieked.
"You know that shrieking-"
"SHUT UP ALBUS!"
Albus burst into crying. "But – but – Voldie... don't you love me anymore?"
"Of course I do, but I'm fed up with you telling everyone not to shriek because it gives you wrinkles," Voldie explained.
"Aha... I see... say Voldie, love, is that a new car?"
"Yes it is!" Voldie beamed proudly. "With my own driver!"
"Your own driver? Can you afford that then?" Snape wanted to know.
"I can't. But don't tell her I can't... I'm gonna KILL her, if I don't need her anymore," Voldie said proudly.
"You WHAT?"
"Well, I ain't the Dark Lord for nothing, you know..."
To Be Continued...