A/N 1: Because I'm sure I'm not the only one to be amazed at the amount of people scurrying around in Naruto's mind. Here is the result after I thought about it.
A/N 2: So, I wrote this weeks – months – ago, but I was in the middle of posting Stray Dogs when I finished it and I was all D: OMG what am I going to do, it'll sound even more stupid than it already does if I post it after many canon events, but at the same time I don't want to interrupt SD's posting and...
In the end I made a bet. I won. Thank you, Kishimoto, for making the plot progress sooo rapidly and without any kind of filler-dialogs. *insert content sarcasm here*
Rating : T
Genre : Humour and crack, 'cause it seems I can't write canon in any other way. This is so ridiculous.
Wordcount : 5 500
Summary : Naruto's mind is a crowded place. It's time for the final battle, and Sasuke is just about to find out how much...
WARNINGS : Beware of the SPOILERS up to CHAPTER 537 (or so). Still, I tweak the plot a bit, since some people appearing here are supposed to have left for the last time and gone to heaven for good. Have fun.
Naruto's cluttered Mind
Sasuke was nearly biting his fingers off in impatience and irritation when Madara finally came back to the bloody cave he'd operated then left him in and said:
"The jinchûriki are out. Now come with me, Sasuke-kun. I'm sure you can't wait to test out your new eyes."
With the apparent aloofness and disdain that came naturally to all Uchihas, Sasuke nodded sharply and stood up, reaching up to undo the bandages around his head. He blinked when they fell away to reveal the world as he had always been - apart from Madara's mask who had changed once more. The man's eyes were glinting when he spoke:
"I know what you're feeling," he whispered, almost gloating. "It's like you've never seen the world before, like you're a newborn gifted with..."
Sasuke tuned out the rest of his fanatic rant as they got out of the cave and into the forest, vaguely thinking of what Itachi had said about the man. That he was now nothing more than the shadow of himself. Sasuke silently agreed. Madara was even losing his Uchiha-ness with his pitiful ramblings, no doubt an aftereffect of playing Tobi's role a little bit too long and too convincingly.
Idiocy was a dangerous illness.
He tried to quell the giddiness he was feeling when thinking he'd soon meet again with another idiot he knew and followed his ancestor, back straight, features set in a determined frown. His Uchiha-ness wouldn't slip, that was for sure.
As expected, finding and catching up with the two jinchûriki wasn't very difficult. You had to be chakra-insensitive not to perceive two moons of raw power a hundred miles away and they were conveniently coming right in the war's - that is to say their - direction.
Madara proved he was still an Uchiha somewhere deep inside since he managed to make their encounter happen in a secluded place where no one would bother them but which still was a wide expanse of naked earth and rock where they could fight without caring about trees or animals or any other obstacle. A sparrow was flying overhead and Sasuke glared at it until it understood the situation and fled away with an undignified screech.
Madara finally finished his speech about the near completion of his plan, about him controlling the world and about how he would create a law according to which each and every family was to have at least two children who would fight and try to kill each other at ten in a feat of brotherly or sisterly love, even if they had no bloodline that required the sacrifice. The idiot proved he was the hero because he was still listening at the end of it all, still snarling and still frowning. His companion beside him had long since given up and was muttering under his breath while scratching things in a small notebook.
"Sasuke," Madara said, and Sasuke noticed he was still miles behind Orochimaru when it came to the cold-but-affectionate-therefore-creepy voice. "Since you proved that you couldn't deal with Hachibi, I leave you with Kyuubi. Don't disappoint me."
In short, the Uchiha ancestor feared he would get his ass kicked by the Nine-Tails. That, or he knew that Naruto would only whine and rant and shout during their fight, asking why he hadn't been paired up with the bastard, demanding for them to change this, talking about friendship and final battles until he was blue in the face and Madara gave up just to make him shut up.
Sasuke took the time to sneer at his ancestor's lameness then stepped forward in front of Naruto who was now looking at him, still snarling and still frowning, but with a spark of excitement in his eyes.
Sasuke did not smirk.
So they fought, and that was, of course, epic. But what Naruto didn't now was that most of it only was a cleverly crafted ploy from Sasuke's part to come closer and be able to use his Sharingan without too many risks. He had, after all, gotten rid of the curse seal thanks to his beloved brother (Oh, Itachi-nii, he thought, but refrained from falling into angst-mode once more, though, since he was in the middle of a fight. But gods, how tempting it was) and it would be clearly unfair if Naruto still had access to the evolved stage of Kyuubi-shaped chakra he'd used during their fight at the Valley of the End.
So he dropped not far from Naruto, waiting for him to blurt out one of his sentences about understanding or giving up on revenge or bringing him home so that he was a little bit distracted and activated the eyes of his brother to step into his mind and neutralize the Nine-Tails like he'd done the last time at Orochimaru's.
That's when things became a little bit sketchy.
He remembered the place he'd landed in the last time. The murky water on the ground, the reddish hue, the huge metal bars with those eyes burning with hate and murderous intent.
Naruto's mind hadn't been a pretty place.
So he was surprised when, after entering said mind, he only found himself face to face with a door.
Huh.
He wasn't in a three dimensional space, so he knew it was useless to turn around and look, but he did anyway. There was, of course, nothing. He turned back to the door. It was made out of chakra, he noted, but even with his Sharingan eyes - with Itachi's Sharingan eyes - he couldn't see through it.
What the hell, he thought with a gracious roll of said eyes, raising his hand - to knock or to punch the door down, he didn't know. And never would, since the door opened this precise instant as if to nicely let him enter into his former teammate's mind and a voice said:
"Oh, you must be Sasuke. Come in, come in."
He didn't know the voice.
He took a step forward, wary, and the door closed behind him, preventing anyone else from entering the room he took in with a little bit of wonder. It was the same place, the same mind, he guessed. There was no mistaking the huge metal bars taking one of the four walls, and the malevolent presence hiding behind them. As for the rest...
The floor was entirely dry, for one. The walls were covered in a thin layer of the same red chakra that constituted the door and seemed to circle and protect everything. It wasn't Naruto's chakra, it wasn't even Kyuubi's. No, the Nine-Tails power was actually forming a huge bubble floating overhead, illuminating the whole place with a warm yellow-reddish, welcoming glow. And in the middle of the room stood a table - one entirely made of that red unidentified chakra - set with small plates, cups of tea and spoons. Right beside it stood a woman with bright red hair reaching down to her calves. She smiled widely at him.
"You're right on time," she said in the same voice that had just spoken. "I just finished setting the table."
"Uchihaaaaa," another deep, rumbling voice managed to growl and screech all at once. "You again. I'll-"
Sasuke distinctly saw a vein pop on the woman's forehead. "Stop barking, fur-ball!" she... barked. Surprisingly, the Fox shut up at once, and the woman turned back to him, all smiles and rough calmness. "Don't mind him," she said, batting a hand. "He hates everyone."
"Hey!" a third voice said then, one Sasuke recognized. "I am the one who hates everyone, idiot! Not the bloody Fox!"
He turned his head to see Naruto standing not too far away and glaring. Well, it looked like Naruto, but his eyes were entirely black, with a reddish hue in the center and no trace of blue or white. His clothes were black too. Seeing this, Sasuke smartly concluded the person probably wasn't his former teammate. That, and another Naruto - in the right colors this time - was standing right beside him, frowning and shouting:
"Hey, you! Don't talk to my mom like that!"
Sasuke felt his eyebrows go up. His mom...?
"Shut up, you Christ-wannabe! I do what I want!"
"Not when I'm here, you don't!" Naruto retorted. "And I'm no crybaby!"
"Right, you're just in love with your martyr role. You couldn't be more moronic, everyone here agrees!" Strange-Naruto flailed his arms, a gesture probably meant to indicate the other people present in the room - the strange red haired woman who was now sprawling on one of the chakra chairs that had appeared around the table on top of which she was putting her feet, the Kyuubi sulking behind his metal bars and...
That's when the duo (finally) noticed Sasuke's presence.
Naruto blinked. Then he grinned. "Sasuke!" he exclaimed, like he was surprised but happy to see him here.
Non-Naruto blinked. Then he grinned, but not in a Naruto-way. Sasuke did not shudder internally. At all. "Hello there," the boy purred, coming closer like a predator closing in on his prey, his eyes never leaving Sasuke. "How very nice of you to come here. With the idiot here I never got the occasion to talk to you personally." He'd reached Sasuke by then, who refused to back down and was warily looking at him, Sharingan spinning wildly, watching out for any dangerous action. The other noticed it and his grin widened, showing his too sharp teeth. He raised a hand and fisted it in Sasuke's shirt, drawing him closer. "Nice eyes you got here," he whispered and Sasuke did not feel anything when his breath ghosted over his lips and chin. "Think you could keep them activated while we-"
He never got to finish his sentence since a punch in the head sent him flying to the side. Sasuke sneered and straightened his clothes who had almost been ripped while Naruto - he was the one who had landed the blow - bellowed: "What the hell! I thought you hated everyone! What are you doing, pawing at him, then?"
"Oh, but I do hate him," the other answered, standing back up and apparently thrilled at the rising fight. "More than anyone else, actually. Which would only make things better."
"I won't let you hurt him!" Naruto retorted, and Sasuke was not dumbfounded and wobbly inside when he heard the stubborn honesty in his former teammate's voice even after all these years and all what had happened.
Non-Naruto rolled his eyes. "Idiot," he snapped. "You're too stupid or..." He grimaced and spat the following word: "... innocent to understand the joys of S&M, so just shut up."
Sasuke blinked, then imperceptibly shook his head. He hadn't heard right, for sure.
"I do know what M&M's are, you freak!" Naruto protested indignantly. "So, you shut up! And... And don't touch him, he's my best friend!"
The other only snorted. "Unfortunately, I am you," he said, crossing his arms. "As for being you 'best friend'..." On the last two words, he imitated Naruto's whiny tone perfectly, with a touch of condescending sarcasm. "Is he really? 'Cause I'm the one with all the hate. I'm the one who can understand him better than anyone else. Not you with your drama queen Christ-like speeches about self-sacrifice and taking all the hate of the world upon you shoulders."
He'd begun walking toward Sasuke again, hands raised, but Naruto was still trying to intervene.
"Get your hand off of him!" he shouted, even if his Non-self was still several feet away.
"Naruto," the woman suddenly and unexpectedly drawled, like she was bored. It sounded creepily like Kakashi. "Be nice to your other half."
Naruto whirled around towards her. She was still sprawling in her chair in a very non-feminine manner, feet on the table, but was now holding a pair of chopsticks and a bowl that looked suspiciously like the one they served ramen in at Ichikaru's. Except for the fact that everything was made of this same strange red chakra.
"I am nice to him," Naruto pouted. "I'm nice to everyone! I'm the Good One." He pointed an accusing finger in his other self's direction. "I hugged him! And he tried to gut me in answer!"
Non-Naruto smirked like he was remembering a particularly good memory.
"That's only his way of showing his affection," the woman went on with an almost shrug.
"What affection?" Non-Naruto hissed at once, frown back on his face. "I hate you all."
The woman nodded. "That's okay, little Cub," she went on, waving her chopsticks in the air. "We know you can't feel anything else. We understand."
Non-Naruto seethed, Naruto snorted, and the woman picked up chakra noodles from her bowl to slurp them noisily. She chewed slowly, looking up at the ceiling with an air of concentration on her face, then swallowed.
"Not bad," she said. "I'm getting better at this."
"Really?" Naruto asked with this tone of voice he always had when ramen were concerned. "Can I have a taste?" He walked towards the woman who held out her chopsticks to him.
"You see, I'm trying to exploit the burning of chakra to reproduce the sensation of spices, but I'm not sure it's working..." she began explaining.
Sasuke chose this moment to remember they were supposed to be in the middle of the Last Battle of Doom. His mistake was to wonder how the hell things had come to this. The second it took was enough to let the occasion of making it all stop pass and for someone else - why were there so many people in Naruto's head? No wonder the idiot was crazy - to pop in unannounced.
"Kushina!" a male voice that fortunately wasn't Naruto's (Sasuke didn't know how he would deal with a third blonde) exclaimed. "Guess what? I found our wayward guest."
Sasuke turned his head to see that it was, actually, a third blonde. A blonde taller than Naruto, older than Naruto, but looking a hell lot like Naruto and wearing a white coat with red flames everyone in Konoha knew even if they were too young to ever have seen it.
Holy shit, the Fourth Hokage, he thought vaguely.
He could - should - have reevaluated the situation and frowned at the complications the presence of the powerful man implied. He could - should - have wondered how it was actually possible for the Yondaime to be here right now in the middle of a battle taking place seventeen years after his death. He could - should - have wondered what it meant when Naruto welcomed the man with an enthusiastic "Dad!" before dragging him towards Kyuubi's cage, intent on showing him something. But he didn't do any of these things for the simple reason that his thoughts had stopped the moment he'd caught glimpse of the person the blond man had arrived with.
He could only stare as the smaller, black-haired man politely bowed and softly said in a voice he'd thought he'd never hear again:
"I love what you did with the place, Uzumaki-san."
The woman, who hadn't straightened up even after being thus addressed, snorted: "Flatterer. I didn't do anything, it was only my chakra."
"Aw, but love," the Hokage protested from where he was standing near Kyuubi's cage, apparently not caring he was well within reach of the demon's sharp claws. "We know it doesn't change shape all alone."
"This is a very pretty door and a very pretty table," their guest added with an approving nod.
At that, the woman raised a hand to scratch behind her head, a sign of awkwardness very similar to Naruto's own. "Actually, the most useful form was the floor cloth one, you know. The ground was so humid, you have no idea. It made all the difference."
"I see," the guest said.
At this moment, Sasuke gathered enough of his wits and powers to force his lips - which had automatically parted - to wheeze out a word: "Itachi-nii..."
He was aware his eyes were wide and revealing all the churning emotions he was feeling, but couldn't care less right now, because his older brother was standing five feet away from him, dressed in the black outfit he'd always worn when training in Konoha - not his ANBU uniform, not his Akatsuki cloak -, apparently unscathed and most of all very alive.
Itachi turned to him like he hadn't noticed his presence until then. "Ah, little brother," he softly said. "I'm happy to see you again. We were a bit in the middle of a dramatic misunderstanding I had masterfully set up last time."
Sasuke lowered his head, but it was not to hide any (manly and entirely adult) tears.
"Look at me, little brother." A hand went to his chin and tilted his head up without Sasuke resisting. Itachi was already standing right in front of him and peered intensely into his eyes. Then he smiled.
"So you've finally understood my message about my eyes. Good. I was beginning to fear I'd been a little bit too cryptic."
Sasuke did not refrain from uttering an undignified 'huh?'.
"Now I am assured that I'll be able to keep an eye - two even, I dare say - on you and your deeds," Itachi went on, apparently so satisfied he sounded elated.
This made Sasuke pause. "You mean...?"
By then, Itachi's smile had taken on this creepy hue it'd acquired during his time at the Akatsuki. "That I'll know if you destroy Konoha and yourself in spite of everything I did to save the both of you?" he asked. "Exactly, foolish little brother. And let me tell you I won't be very pleased if it happens. I can forgive you for Danzô, I never liked the man anyway, but for the rest..."
Sasuke didn't answer. Internally, he was torn between humbly apologizing to his older brother for ever thinking about going against one of his oh so superior decisions and seething like the madman he was becoming, thinking that there was no way he was going to give up on his revenge, that he'd kill, kill, ki-
Itachi seemed to perceive his state of mind and titled his head to the side. "Good thing that those are still my eyes, and that I still am the master of illusions," he said, poking Sasuke on the forehead. "Thus I'll still be able to let you know my displeasure by showing you things that'll make you regret doing anything I didn't want you to."
Now he almost sounded gleeful. Sasuke almost snorted. As if. After everything he'd been through, all the things he'd experienced and seen and suffered, there was nothing Itachi could do to disturb or traumatize him further.
But then Itachi looked right into his eye, entirely serious. "Orochimaru naked," he suggested.
...
Sasuke swallowed, crossed his arms - it was not to hide the fact that his hands were suddenly trembling - and stiffly replied: "I'll... reconsider."
Itachi had always smiled too much in Sasuke's presence. But then he seemed to notice the dark emo aura that began to float around the younger Uchiha - it is, after all, quite difficult to let go of the one thing you spent the last nine years of your life internally ranting about, to him it felt like he'd lost his only companion - and sighed.
"Foolish little brother," he said, once more poking Sasuke on the forehead, this time with a little more force than necessary. "I know your goal in life is to best me. So think about it: no, I won't let you top my destroying our clan with your destroying Konoha. But I did it to maintain peace, and look where we are now? Plus, I always acted alone, which is a clear clue to my sucking at teamwork."
Since Sasuke was pretty clever, it took him 2.5 seconds to determine what his goal in life was always meant to be. His eyes burned with determination and he righted himself, fervently thinking: I'll restore peace and be the best Uchiha to ever work in team. You just watch, aniki.
He was very smug at having found all this out all on his own. Itachi smiled at him with a hint of pride in the curve of his lips, and Sasuke's spirit soared, and everything was finally right in the best of all possible worlds.
That is, until Kyuubi roared and almost pierced his eardrums by doing so.
"Come back here, you runt!" it seethed.
Sasuke turned his head just in time to see Naruto appearing out of nowhere at the Hokage's side, wearing a grin so proud and wide it was threatening to split his stupid face. "See? See?" he said, almost jumping up and down.
The man nodded approvingly with a slight smile while throwing a smug look in direction of the cage where the Nine-Tails was spitting and raging and threatening but still unable to do anything. "I see," he confirmed. "Now all you have to do is to manage it in reality. Don't forget that-"
"-moving a solid body is far more tricky than transferring your chakra," Naruto cut him off, looking like he was reciting Iruka's most boring lesson. "I know. I mastered your Rasengan in one month, old man. Your Flying Thunder God technique is a piece of cake."
The man looked down at him with wounded pride and crossed his arms. When the red-haired woman called out: "Tea is served!" Sasuke barely caught a glimpse of his smirk before he disappeared.
"I win," his voice said, and the youngest Uchiha noticed he was already sitting in one of the chairs, accepting a cup, even if he'd been standing at the other side of the room not a second before. Naruto gaped, then began to stalk in his direction, raising an indignant fist: "You cheated!" he accused.
"Did I?" the man innocently replied.
"Come on, little brother," Itachi said, putting his hand on Sasuke's head to guide him towards the table. Sasuke doggedly followed and they both sat down. The woman smiled at them and put down two cups in front of them.
"Here," she said. "Have some."
"Thank you," Itachi replied with a bow of his head, before adding: "I brought some crow for dinner."
"Oh, Uchiha-san, you didn't have to," the woman protested.
"My mother was a vile traitress but she raised us right," Sasuke's older brother softly but firmly retorted. "She taught us how to behave well towards hosts. I'm trying to honor this memory of her."
"Why?" Non-Naruto, who was suddenly sitting in front of Sasuke, asked. "If you killed her, you probably hated her, so you should do everything in your power to destroy her reputation, if she ever had one."
"Dark Naruto, shut up," the woman barked.
Said Dark Naruto obeyed even faster than the Kyuubi had and picked up his cup. Sasuke lowered his eyes to look into his, wondering what the beverage was. It looked like water, but was faintly glowing with yellow and red which Sasuke wasn't sure came from the color of the chakra forming the cup containing it.
He took a second to contemplate the fact he was sitting at a table made out of chakra, sitting on a chair made out of chakra, with a cup in front of him made out of chakra, then asked: "What is it?"
Naruto was only too happy to answer: "A chakra infusion."
Figures.
"I warn you, it's a little bit spicy," Naruto went on. "It was made with the fur-ball's chakra, after all." He pointed upwards towards the glowing bubble floating overhead and illuminating the place.
"No need to warn him," Dark Naruto snorted, then mumbled with a smirk: "I'm sure he likes things hot and burning."
The innuendo couldn't be more obvious. Which is why, probably, it flew entirely over Naruto's head. The blonde frowned: "You don't know a thing about Sasuke," he claimed. "He's an ice-cold bastard."
"Who likes to play with fire," his other self leered.
Naruto glared at him. "How would you know? You never met him until now."
"Hey," Dark Naruto retorted. "I am you."
"Are not."
"Am too."
"Are not."
"Am too."
"Are not," Naruto bit out, his hands now balled into fists. "You hate everyone and everything. Even orange. It's stupid."
"Am too," Dark Naruto spat in answer, his pose exactly the same but reversed like he was standing on the other side of a mirror. "You love everyone and everything. Even ramen. It's disgusting."
"Boys," the woman said, slamming her cup down on the table. "Behave." There was a second of silence, then she added: "And ramen is not disgusting, Dark Naruto."
"Ha!" Naruto exclaimed, raising a victorious fist in the air while his other self pouted.
Sasuke noticed that the Hokage and Itachi had taken their cups and were sipping on their drinks like none of this concerned them, and decided it was better - cooler - to imitate them.
He picked up his cup, and drank.
"You're just a bunch of pussies, anyway," the woman mumbled, squinting and glowering at the table while her head rested on her crossed arms. Beside her, Naruto downed his glass before slamming it on the table and approving:
"Damn right!"
After deciding that an infusion was really not tasty enough, they'd begun drinking shots of pure Kyuubi chakra. Once more following the Hokage's and Itachi's lead, Sasuke had politely declined taking part in their improvised competition. He now felt how right he'd been. His throat was still parched for the small cup of diluted chakra he'd drunk - which had tasted like chakra, even if Sasuke hadn't remembered any occasion he could've experienced it before - and the effects of the numerous drinks the woman and both Narutos had had were hard to ignore. The woman's hair were floating around her, glowing with a red light, while Naruto's whole body was beginning to flicker with something resembling yellow and orange flames. As for Dark Naruto, he'd decided to 'go play' with the Fox since no one here seemed to know what real life was like - and saying this, he'd thrown a scathing, accusing glare in Sasuke's direction, like he'd betrayed him or something.
Sasuke didn't care. He was reverently listening to his older brother talking about his birds summons and warning him against the vultures, who were very useful but tended to try and pick out his eyes because, apparently, Uchiha's eyeballs were particularly tasty. After all the trouble he'd gone to to make sure Sasuke inherited his Sharingan, Itachi wasn't so keen on seeing him lose it because of a creature that was supposed to be his ally in the first place. Sasuke, good little brother that he was, totally agreed and thought his older brother really was superiorly intelligent.
The woman had begun to rant, eyes blazing red, and the Hokage was standing up to try and appease her when suddenly, the chakra door to Naruto's cozy mind burst open and in surged Madara, looking thoroughly pissed off.
"Sasuke!" he snapped like the discontented aristocrat he was. "What the hell are you doing? I can't complete my plan if you remain standing in the middle of the plain, doing nothing."
Sasuke blinked, realizing he'd completely forgotten about the guy. He frowned, nonetheless, when he noticed that his interruption had made Itachi stop talking and look away from him.
That was it. He definitely hated Madara's guts.
"Ah," the older Uchiha said. "That's my cue. If you will excuse me for a second."
He stood up while the Hokage smiled at him. "Of course, Uchiha-san. Do what you must."
Sasuke refrained from reaching out and holding onto his older brother's shirt like he would have when he was seven and simply watched him, gripping the back of his chakra chair, as Itachi stalked towards Madara, drawing him back towards the door until he was standing in the doorjamb. It looked strangely like the Uchiha ancestor was unable to put up any kind of fight - but after all, every single person in the room was willing him away, Kyuubi included.
Itachi stopped in front of the masked man, standing upright and cold and determined, then said: "I knew you would try this. But it's no use. You're not wanted here."
He raised two fingers and used the poking skills he'd perfected over the years by training on his little brother to stick them right into Madara's eyes before the man had the time to blink and react. Then he used the leverage it gave him to push the intruder away and slam the door right in his face. He didn't leave him even a second to take his fingers off the doorjamb, though.
Madara's howl of pain could be heard even through the chakra barrier.
Surprisingly, Kyuubi was the one to snigger and comment: "Good riddance."
When the rescue team, along with Kakashi and Sakura, arrived on the scene, persuaded they were too late and the end of the world was coming, they found Killer Bee sitting on a boulder and humming to himself, taking notes to ward off his boredom. Madara was aimlessly wandering around, the fingers of his left hand crushed, repeating: "My eyes, my eyes..." in a continuous, unbearable whine Sakura was all to happy to make cease.
The cracking of the oldest Uchiha's skull against the rocky ground seemed to wake Naruto and Sasuke from the trance they'd been in, facing each other with only three feet between them. They both blinked at the same time, then Naruto smiled widely.
"Well, that was nice," he said, putting his hands behind his head.
Sasuke looked around him at the Konoha's nins warily watching the scene, wondering what he was going to do. Then he brought his eyes back to his former teammate, put his hands in his pockets and smirked.
"Hn."
Naruto understood this as an agreement and stretched. To the side, seeing how the Uchiha had his guard entirely down and supposing it wasn't possible for him to escape, and thus concluding he was admitting defeat, a jounin cleared his throat and unrolled a scroll.
"Uchiha Sasuke," he began to read, "by orders of the Council and Sixth Hokage of-"
"There was a sixth Hokage?" Kakashi asked, feigning surprise. "I never knew."
"-Konoha you have been given the status of missing-nin and are ac-"
"So, you coming home now?" Naruto asked, like no one was droning on in the background.
"-cused of having betrayed you village, savagely murdered the Rokuda-"
Sasuke appeared to be contemplating it for a second, looking around once more at the distrustful faces of the ninjas of Konoha, at his former teacher's carefully neutral expression, at his former teammate's green eyes that were betraying the smallest glimmer of hope even if she was fighting it. Little did they know that there was no way he was going to try and kill the blond man now, not with the part of his older brother having taken residence in his psyche and all.
"-ime and associating with Uchiha Madara in his plot to overthrow and des-"
While several ninjas glanced at said Uchiha Madara's body Sasuke hadn't even graced with his attention, let alone tried to defend two minutes earlier, the youngest Uchiha looked into Naruto's confident, trusting eyes and declared: "On one condition."
"-troying the world. You are now under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say-"
"Which is?" Naruto asked, his smile widening, already taking a step forward.
"-can and will be used against you in a court of law. You are now going to be taken into-"
Sasuke took his hands out of his pockets to cross his arms. "Family dinner," he said. "Once a week. At least. And don't be late, moron."
"-custody until your trial is complete and the proper punishment for your crimes-"
"Deal," Naruto agreed at once, throwing an arm around his former teammate's shoulder. He made them turn around and began to walk in direction of Konoha. "We could even invite Kakashi once. I'm sure he'd be happy to see his former teacher again."
"-has been determined and applied. Oppose no resistance or-"
"Oh, shut up," someone growled, and the talking jounin was promptly knocked out by an unidentified pink-haired creature. Said creature then dusted off her hands and took off to join her teammates, reaching them in time to hear Sasuke concede:
"Once."
Of course, Sasuke was not trying to find ways to mend the gaps he'd been digging for several years. Just like he was not relaxing against his former teammate instead of shrugging his offending arm away. Everything was purely strategic: with a little bit of luck, Kakashi's presence in Naruto's mind would be enough to distract the whole lot while he talked to this Dark Naruto guy and asked for some precisions about this S&M thing.
It sure sounded promising.
END
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