A/N: So I'm still angry at Alex, but I occasionally feel like he does have some feeling inside of that hollow tin chest of his, and so I tried to portray that a bit in here, I guess. And some people think that Alex really does like Addison, he just doesn't know how to go about showing her that. I say that he gets caught up in the moment and is willing to follow her lead, but is scared of it going anywhere serious, so he cuts and runs. And that he doesn't have any real feelings, at least not on the same level as Addison's for him. But anyway, this fic is operating under the assumption that the writers of the show will allow us to have one fully functional couple, capable of being happy and committed.
Addison sat alone at a table extravagantly decorated with a white tablecloth and an overpowering flower arrangement. Her fingers tapped in time with the music, her eyes looking for a certain man. He sat by her during the ceremony, but hadn't looked at her after the initial greeting.
Addison hated that she still wanted him even after he told her (multiple times) that he just wasn't interested in a relationship with her. She couldn't help the excited feeling that came upon her every time he was close to her. She couldn't help wishing to feel his mouth against hers every time she listened to him talk. And she definitely couldn't help watching the way he moved. It was a careful, almost graceful movement. She thought of him as moving the way large predator cats moved. It was at once a stirring and frightening comparison.
But want him she did. It was her guilty pleasure. Like eating pints of ice cream on crappy days or watching bad made-for-TV movies, she wanted Alex Karev. It was agonizing, wanting things you couldn't have, wanting things that didn't want you back.
There was a tiny part of her, though, that couldn't help but feel hopeful. She was an optimist. She kept waiting for Alex to surprise her with one of his thoughtful and sweet comments; the comments that made her think that he was a decent guy.
Her heart fluttered as Alex walked in. She tried not to notice how dashing he looked in a suit. The phrase "you clean up good" really applied to Alex Karev. He didn't even glance in her direction, though. Sometimes, people commanded your attention. You looked up when they came into the room; you followed them with your eyes. Apparently, she didn't merit that kind of thought in Alex's world. He had that power over her; she was painfully aware of him when he was around.
Addison tore her eyes away from Alex and looked at the dance floor. Izzie and Meredith were doing some serious drunken dancing. From what Addison knew, it was merited on both accounts. Yes, Addison knew all about the adulterous sex. And the bar slut. Cristina and Preston were doing the "high school dance" dance, where they had their arms around each other and just moved back and forth. Behind them, their two mothers were watching and gossiping, no doubt, about the children that would be born of this union.
Thankfully, before her mind could even drift over to thoughts of her barren and dried-upness, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Mark Sloan, and she was grateful for his interruption.
"I know you must be dying, not having anyone to dance with. I thought I'd tear myself away from all my adoring fans to give you a spin on the floor," he said, grinning his usual Mark grin. He held his hand out, and she took it. She remembered that occasionally Mark was quite sweet. And he knew that she loved to dance.
----
Alex knew that he had forgone any claim he had on Addison when he had told her that she wasn't his girlfriend. That didn't mean that he liked seeing her dance with Mark. Especially after the way Mark treated him over the course of Addison's leave of absence. Mark was a jerk, whether or not he rarely managed to pull a decent move out of his ass. Apparently this dancing thing was a decent move. Alex noted, with a twinge of jealousy, that Addison looked happy out there.
Not that Alex cared whether or not she was happy. Well, sure he cared, but it was purely a professional care. He had no desire to make her happy on a personal level.
And you made sure she knew that, didn't you? He asked himself. It was true. He had crushed any hope that she may have felt. She was always ready to believe in him, always making that tentative step. And he was always pushing her away, making sure that there was a distance between them. He didn't like being that guy, but when he didn't know how to handle the situation, he put distance between himself and it. And that was how it was with Addison. He didn't know how to deal with her wanting him to be a barbecuing, baseball throwing, stable kind of guy.
So he had been rude and unkind and had made sure that Addison wouldn't come looking for him the next time she wanted to find a serious relationship. He was, however, all for her looking for him every time she wanted to get it on in the on-call room. He hadn't lied to her when he had said that it was awesome. It had been awesome. But that was as far as he wanted it to go.
----
Addison sat down after the song ended, and Mark left, no doubt to flirt with some nurse that had been invited to the wedding simply to fill Cristina's side of the church. She traced the rim of the glass in front of her with her forefinger, and before long she was producing a rather loud ringing noise, earning her table quite a few glances
"Okay, that has to stop," Alex said from behind her. Addison turned to face him, a surge of hope rising in her chest. She took her finger off the glass and looked at him expectantly.
Was she hoping that he would ask her to dance? Did she want him to sit next to her and engage in conversation? Or did she want him to leave her alone?
Apparently she wanted him to sit down, because she gestured at the empty chair next to her. He pulled it out and sat down, facing the dance floor, not looking at Addison. She watched his face for any sign of…well, anything. And then he turned to look at her, meeting her gaze full on.
"Did you enjoy the ceremony? I thought it was nice. Sappy, maybe, but good-sappy" she said, a little tremulously. It was scandalizing to her that he could make her so unsteady without even trying.
"Don't…don't do this. We aren't really friends. We aren't in a relationship. You are my boss -"
"Yes. You've made that quite clear. Does that mean that I can't ask you questions about anything not pertaining to the hospital?" Addison cut Alex off, cursing her foolish schoolgirl hope that he would have reconsidered her offer of boyfriend status.
"I just don't want you thinking that there's going to be anything here. I'm not that guy. I'm the guy you can call for a good time, but I'm not the guy who can be committed." Alex wished that he wasn't looking at her. He couldn't stand the hurt that was so apparent in her eyes. So he did what he did best. He left. Without another word, he stood, pushed his chair back in and walked across the dance floor, not looking back.
And Addison was left, as she always was, with tears welling in her eyes and the same old thoughts going through her head. Why do you keep giving him chances? He hasn't earned any of them. And it was true. Alex was far from someone who deserved the chances she kept giving. And she rarely gave second chances. Maybe she would group all of these Alex encounters with all of her Mark encounters, a part of her life that she labeled "Relapses".
----
Alex hurled himself into a chair and crossed his arms. He was disgusted with himself. He knew that she wanted things from her and he felt like he occasionally dangled himself in front of her. And he guessed that she couldn't help herself. So he was like those warped pet trainers who get dogs to do a certain behavior only to shock them so that they know it's wrong.
He allowed himself a glance back at Addison's table. She was sitting there, looking down at her hands. It unnerved him to see her looking so unstable. She so rarely allowed herself a moment of weakness in front of other people that it was enough to send another pang of guilt through him. He didn't like knowing that he could do that to her.
He didn't like having that power over his mentor, his teacher. She was the one who was supposed to be in charge and she was the one who was supposed to make him feel shaky and uncertain. Instead he had her questioning herself. And he didn't like it. He respected her as a surgeon and he knew that making a surgeon feel doubt, about anything, was dangerous.
He vowed to himself that he was going to avoid placing himself in any personal situations with Addison. It was the least he could do for her. She deserved that much from him.
-
Addison was ready to leave. She wanted to be done. She was no longer in a place where she could be happy for other people and ignore how she herself felt. And she hated feeling that way in front of other people. It was time to escape.
But like all other times tonight, there was a man waiting for her attention. This time, however, she was able to feel a little more secure about how this encounter was going to end. It wouldn't be him leaving her alone and insecure. If anything, she would be the one who was allowed to leave, but there wouldn't be any hard feelings between them.
"Preston. I know you've heard it a thousand times tonight, but let me say it once more: Congratulations," she said, smiling warmly as Burke sat down next to her. He nodded his thanks. "I enjoyed the ceremony. It's nice that you picked Derek to be your best man."
"Well, I suppose he deserves it, after all he's been through with me. He's put up with me at my worst, and I guess that merits best man status." Burke looked as though he was going to continue, but stopped when he noticed that Addison was barely paying attention to what he was saying. He coughed slightly and she looked up at him, a hard look in her eyes.
"How did you know with Cristina? How did you know that it was worth it to keep taking steps, even though every time you did, you had to drag her along? How did you know to keep going, even if she took steps back for every step you took forward?"
Burke cleared his throat, knowing that there was more to all this than simple curiosity. "I just knew. And eventually, she was willing to walk with me, not behind me. There is just a time when you are both ready."
"I think…I think I have to go." Addison stood, pushing her chair back. She walked away and Burke watched her leave. He was sure that he knew who she was talking about, but he was uncertain where she was going. He didn't know if she meant she had to leave the wedding or if she had to leave Seattle. Cristina left him no time to dwell on these thoughts, pulling him up from his seat.
----
Alex saw Addison leave and followed her, wanting to confront her one last time. He caught up with her as she was pulling on her coat, grabbing her arm as he had the day he pulled her into the on-call room.
"Alex, let go of me. I cannot do this. Not now."
"I don't want to do anything. I just want to tell you that I…" he tried to find his thoughts from before, but nothing was coming to mind that was anything like coherent.
"You don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain anything. You've said it well enough already. You aren't that guy. I know." Addison was at her most professional, cutting off any attempts to get personal.
"I just want you to know that I don't like that I don't like you. I wish I did, because I hate that I can make you act this way."
"Don't say nice things to me. Don't. I can handle it when you are an ass. I can't handle it when you tell me that you got Mark a vanilla latte because he was rude to me, and then tell me that you only kissed me because I am your boss. If you're going to be jerk, be a jerk. Don't make it harder for me to accept that you're a jerk."
"I'm being honest. It's what I do. If I manage to say things that make you feel hopeful, I'm sorry. I'm simply saying what it is I think. And I wanted to apologize for making you feel the way you feel."
Addison could feel her eyes tearing up once more. She tugged her arm from Alex's grasp. "Don't," she said, and was gone.
Alex watched her walk away. He was sorry. There was no getting around that. He wanted her to be the Addison that he knew when she came to Seattle, the proud woman who didn't take crap from anyone. Now she allowed herself to become an emotional wreck when he crushed a dream of hers. So he was sorry that he had that power over her.
----
Addison sat in her car, hand over her eyes. She had foolishly thought that Alex had chased after her to make some romantic gesture to make up for his behavior before. And she had felt a frisson when he grabbed her arm.
And then he had done the worst thing. He was sweet, in his Alex way, but also made it perfectly clear, once again, that he wasn't interested in her. It was like he was pouring lemon juice into her paper cut.
And yet, she still couldn't crush the hope that someday he would come around. In her heart of hearts, she cherished her Scarlett O'Hara philosophy that tomorrow was another day.