A Time to Weep
I screamed, again. I didn't care that my throat would probably rip open if I did it again, or that there was pain coursing through my body like none I've ever felt. I've been to the hospital countless times, but never in this much pain. I wasn't in the hospital either. I was lying on the forest floor, thrashing around. Nothing could dull the pain.
I had no clue how long I had been laying there. No one had come looking for me, or at least not in this area. Edward had left me here to become the one thing I had wanted to be for more than a year. You'd think they could hear me; I was screaming bloody murder.
Bloody murder…that's what was happening to me. I had been murdered, although most wouldn't call it that. Most would call it changing into something of the myths, something that was feared, and wasn't thought to exist any longer. I was becoming a vampire.
As I walked along the path in the forest, I grabbed Edward's hand. He looked over at me with a pained expression, and all I could see was the coal black of his eyes.
"Is something wrong?" Those words echoed in my head as I spoke them aloud. That should've been a warning, an omen, but when has anyone listened to a premonition in their head in the presence of something so beautiful? I let go of his hand before he responded.
"There's always something wrong, Bella. There are wars, famine, genocides going on as we speak." He looked away from me then, and a sense of dread overwhelmed me. Another warning sign.
"Edward!" I practically screamed his name. "Stop being so cryptic. What-is-wrong?" I enunciated every word even though he could understand me any way I talked. I stopped him from walking and put my hands on his shoulders.
He just barely sighed before answering in a small voice. "It's just so hard sometimes, being around you and being so careful." I interrupted him, even though it was rude, and even though I knew he had more to say.
"I'm not as fragile as I seem. I don't think you know how many times I've been hospitalized, or how many times I've fallen off of things. I'm still living, I have scratches and scars, but I'm breathing. You don't need to be as careful as you think." On the last word I pushed him hard and turned around. Tears were welling up in my eyes and I couldn't stop them from running down my face. I don't cry often, and when I do, everything comes out. My face contorts into something unrecognizable when I cry, and I hate letting anyone see me.
"Bella.." Edward took a hold of my arm and tried to turn me around. I yanked my arm out of his vice grip and brought my hands to my face to shield myself. He didn't try to touch me again.
"W-why ca-an't you lo-ove me?" I was crying so hard that my words were distorted. Edward didn't say anything until I calmed myself and wiped away at my face, causing it to become blotchy. Perfect.
I turned around to face him, hoping he felt bad at the sight of me. I tried to make myself appear cold and unfeeling as he tried to explain himself.
"I love you with everything I have."
I interrupted him again. I couldn't help it. "What do you have, Edward? Huh? An unnatural thirst? A body that does nothing but want and pine for blood? Is that it?"
"I've never seen you this angry! I have feelings, and strong ones at that. Yes, some of them are for blood, but most are for you. I love you, I want you, and I need you. I can keep going; there are more feelings in here." He touched the spot on his chest where is heart is lightly. I regretted getting so mad at him.
"If you love me so much, why are you acting so angry all the time? Ever since we got back from Italy, and I stopped being grounded, you've hardly had a happy moment. What is wrong?" My tirade seemed to soften him a bit.
"I worry so much, about you, and about what you keep asking me to do. It nags at me like nothing has in my…life." As he talks, he looks everywhere but my eyes. At last word, our gazes meet and I feel the pain and anguish that he does. I never thought about what my wants and needs were doing to him. I'm sure he wasn't happy being begged, every day, to do something that was so hard for him.
"If that's what's been bothering you these past months, then I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you like that."
"No, Bella, never think any of my confusion is your fault. You are the light in my life."
His words explained some things, but I couldn't help feeling selfish once again. Maybe if I were a vampire too, we wouldn't have these problems.
"Then…why.." I tried so hard to fight the war raging inside of me. I wanted so much to tell him, as I had many times before, that I wanted to become a vampire. How could I though, when he had been so hurt by my asking?
"I know what you're going to say." He gave a small smile, probably remembering all the times I had asked this without so much difficulty.
"I know what you want, and I know what I want, but I don't know if I can do it. I think if you were in my shoes you'd understand. It's so hard to drink human blood and not drain the entire body. It sounds vile, but it's true. You haven't experienced that, and when-if you do you'll hate yourself. I hated myself. And…if you don't want to be with me anymore, I will understand."
I gasped inwardly. Although our fights had never come to this, I knew it had crossed both our minds. What would life be like without Edward? I'm sure I'd survive, but what would I have to live for? There's Jake of course, and probably other people that would walk in and out of my life, but they all pale in comparison to the love of my life. On the other hand, my life has been filled with so much emotion since I met him. Above all things, love and a sense of completeness, but then there are the bad things. Regret, loss, suffering, pain, anguish, betrayal, loneliness, and a feeling of emptiness. I had been silent for so long, staring off into space, that I almost forgot the person that had caused all this was standing right in front of me. He was expecting an answer.
"You know, this reminds me a lot of the last time we were in this forest." I laughed without any feeling. "Remember…Edward? You..left…me."
"I remember, Bella. Of course I do. You don't have to remind me."
"I don't know about that. You were the one that brought it up." I sounded so bitter. How did this happen? Would my life be better if I left him? I could be with a man that didn't stop me from just kissing him. I could live without any fear, or at least no fear of a vampire attack or something like that. I looked him straight in the eyes. I had come up with a response.
"I love you Edward, enough to let you go. I've hurt you, you've hurt me, so don't deny it. You are the love of my life, but maybe not for whole part. I'm tired of waiting around for you to make up your mind, and I don't want to have to ask Carlisle or Alice, or some random vampire that's willing." I brought my hand up to his face one last time. I absorbed everything about him, but I was sad his eyes were black. Topaz had always been my favorite.
"Goodbye, Edward. I hope you can be happy again someday." I turned around to go. My heart was breaking, but I felt better already. Yes, I love him with everything I had, but there was such a weight on my shoulders from everything and everyone around him. It felt free to be like this.
To bad he reached out and grabbed my hand. This made it so much harder. I hung my head and willed the tears to go away. Without warning, he turned me around.
"No. I didn't mean it. I'll change you. Just don't leave me."
"You can't have it both wa-" I was stopped by a cold force hitting my lips. No, I thought, this is not supposed to happen. Edward felt so good though, and I couldn't help but push back. This was everything I had just given up, but I needed this one last time. I knew he couldn't keep his promise, because we had been discussing this issue for what seemed like forever. The kiss deepened, and I found myself up against a tree. My hands were running through his hair, and his were on my waist. Where had this self-control come from?
He lips were on my neck, exploring the unknown territory. I noticed something that hadn't been there before. A sharp pain had started where his mouth was. I had thought hickeys didn't hurt that much, but this was my first one. I giggled at the thought. Me, with a hickey!
Then Edward stopped, and looked into my eyes. I pushed myself hard into the tree in fear.
"You're eyes. Wh-what happened?" The tint of red in his eyes was enough to have me run. The pain was getting worse in my neck and arms now.
"Bella!" He screamed. "Oh my god! What have I done?" Finally, I realized I still had yet to get my first hickey. I had spoken too soon about Edward's self-control. That wasn't self-control Edward, but wild and out of control Edward.
"Edward! Help me! Oh my god, you bit me!" I was breathing too hard, and I couldn't see Edward anywhere. Had he really left me at a time like this?
I screamed his name over and over, but no reply came.
He really had left me, again.
Is something wrong? The words played over and over again in my head. Yes, I told myself, something's wrong. Your boyfriend just left you to die in the forest after he bit you.
I could tell my transformation was oming to an end. The pain was going away, and I could actually breathe without thinking each breath was my last. I felt much better than I had a few days ago. But then I thought about what had happened to make me this way.
Edward bit me. It was an accident, that I was sure. I pushed him too hard, but I couldn't help but blame him. When a woman becomes pregnant, she can't just blame it on the guy. It was her fault too; it took both of them to make the baby.
This was not the case. This was all Edward's fault. I didn't have any part in biting my neck and running away to leave myself in pain. No, I did nothing of the sort.
My thoughts were interrupted by a sound. I couldn't place it, but it sounded like leaves crunching. Maybe someone had come to rescue me. Maybe it was Edward.
It took thirty seconds for the sound to actually reach the clearing I was lying in. It occured to me then that I must've heard the sound from miles away.
It also occured to me that my assumption was right. The was the crunching of leaves, but I wasn't ready for who was crunching them. I could smell a smell I knew I was instinctively expected to hate.
"Help." My plea was weak, he heard me.
"Oh Bella. What happened?" I also wasn't ready for how that voice could effect me. I looked into Jacob's eyes as he picked me up, fighting the urge to bit into him and suck every ounce of blood from his body.
"Jake, help."