Affirmation
Rated: R (language)
Category: Angst, J/D Friendship, Implied S/J (mild)
Season: Seven
Spoilers: Evolution
Summary: Jack POV, Evolution Lab Scene-Sometimes we mean much more than we say.
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I don't know how long I've been standing outside your door. How long I've been listening to the little noises that have come to mean 'you' to me. Little grunts of concentration, the sound of tools being moved, and tiny pops of electricity gently assault my ears today, and it's comforting in a way. I came with a mission, but I don't know how to accomplish it now that I'm here. I don't know how to say what needs said.
See, there's a lot you don't know about me, Carter. Some of it you may have guessed, and I've let a tiny bit out here and there through the years, but there's still a lot of Jack O'Neill that you aren't privy to. It's almost like I keep a whole 'nother version of myself in storage for times like this. Some days, I'd like to let that Jack go away entirely, but I can't…because sometimes I need that Jack O'Neill I keep locked away. The one I used to be.
Now is one of those times. The only friend I have who does know the other me is rotting in some God-forsaken jungle. And that is unacceptable.
I don't care what I have to do to get him back. I would do anything for him.
Anything.
Will you understand?
How do I tell you that I'm about to cross the line? Any and all lines I have to to get the job done?
I will bring Daniel back. Come hell or high water. Nothing and no one will get in my way. Period.
Will you understand? Or will you judge me?
Frankly, I really don't care, because I will do this, no matter what, but I'd like to think I have your support. That you've seen enough now to know that sometimes what matters isn't following the book or even following orders, but doing the right thing. That you know that sometimes lines don't just need to be crossed, but need to be erased with the force of a naquadah bomb.
There's no easy way to say what I mean, so I decide to just lay it out there, and hope you understand.
I let out a deep breath I didn't realize I'd been holding, and enter your lab.
You don't seem to notice me at first, and to be honest, I nearly lose my nerve. It would be easier to just let you hear about this from Hammond, after the fact. But I can't do that. You deserve more than that. You deserve to hear it from me. When you look up to greet me, I can tell you already know why I'm here.
"Sir?" Your voice is questioning, but your eyes tell me you're expecting something.
I find my voice, and try to make this as simple as possible.
"I'm going after Daniel."
Please understand that I just said more than four words, Carter. Understand what I actually meant. Understand that I might not be coming back, because I won't come back without him. That I'll do whatever it takes to retrieve him. That I understand why women and children are butchered in war.
And that this is war.
Your response is so concise, but it says everything I need to hear. Like a scalpel that removes only diseased tissue, one word cuts to the chase and puts all questions to rest.
"Good." Your face doesn't change, but your eyes harden to steel, and I know you're ok with this. Not only are you ok with it, you'd do the same. I don't want to see you sink to that level, Carter, but in some strange and twisted way, I'm glad you're capable. I can see it all in this moment. It's clear to me, suddenly and completely, that despite your sense of humanity and high personal code of ethics, you could cross any line you had to for something like this.
You might torture yourself over it later, as God knows I have, but you'd do it if someone fucked with your family. You understand where I stand on this, and that means a lot, in a lot of ways. If I ever had any doubts about you, they're gone now.
I have to ask just to be sure, but I already know that you'll be better than fine with your part of this.
"This other mission…"
The words that nearly interrupt me don't matter. The confidence and hard edge to your voice are all I need to hear, and confirm that my faith in you isn't misplaced.
"Shouldn't be a problem, sir."
Damn right. I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a bit that you no longer need me, but I'm proud of what you've become, Carter. I know there's a lot more that could be said here, but we have jobs to do.
Let's get this show on the road.