Title: The Defection of Ackbar, or How Palpatine Wore a Speedo and Got his Groove Back
Author: jlcleamus
Summary: Response to TFN Dare Challenge. Title is self-explanatory, I think.

He stood motionless, a solitary figure gazing out into the gentle waves of the Mon Calamarian beach. Most of the denizens of the Imperial resort planet were still dozing at this hour, and he found that to be an advantage of his, for it would give him the courage for what he was about to attempt.

The Emperor of the grand Galactic Empire reached both his hands high as if to embrace the air above him. He breathed deeply and calmly, as if willing his mind to consent to the actions he was about to partake in. Reaching back towards the hidden zipper of his all-black Sith Robe, he hesitated.

I can't do this. This is embarrassing. This is an outrage.

Suddenly he felt another dark presence in his mind, probing and gathering whatever thoughts it could. He pushed it away from his consciousness rather violently, sending an aftershock through the Force to all who could sense it; unfortunately, that number was rather low, given the recent purges and all.

"Stay out of my head, Lord Vader," he warned his apprentice menacingly.

Heavy thuds and the sound of thick mechanical breathes emerged down the steps of his ship, parking conveniently behind him.

"I am only trying to help you, my Master. The sooner you get over this…insecurity, the better."

Vader's Master turned at him with a ferocity that even the most hated of his Jedi enemies were fortunate enough to witness firsthand.

"Insecurity? Who said anything about insecurity? I choose my lifestyle because it best serves the Dark Side. As my Master once said to me, 'those who hold the most power must also bear the most loneliness.'"

"Well," Vader observed through his inscrutable mask, "I say that even the most powerful need to get laid."

A snort emerged from the Emperor's nostril area, a sign of sarcasm, as far as Vader could tell.

"I don't see you getting any action, my young and very eligible apprentice."

His words struck said apprentice harder than any actual physical blow could, as the large dark form staggered back in horror.

"With all due respect, my Master, you know full well that with the events of Mustafar, the lack of certain…appendages, if you will, have rendered me incapable of such 'actions.' Besides, you forget, I am a widower, and would like that to remain the status quo."

"Still wallowing in your own muck, aren't you, Lord Vader?"

"You forget, I was once quite a stud in my heyday. Did I not manage to woo the most beautiful woman in the Galaxy?"

"I would question your use of adjectives, my young apprentice, but your words make me nostalgic, almost."

The Emperor slid his hood down the back of his head, revealed his fully deformed facial features.

"Did you know," he asked his apprentice, "that I used to be referred to by my female colleagues as… 'Senator Beef Cake'? Oh, to think of what the evil Jedi has taken away from me, that I would trade my entire empire if only to reclaim my dashingly handsome veneer."

Darth Sidious chuckled at the pleasant memory while his taller apprentice simultaneously fought to keep down his rapidly rising tinglings of nausea.

"Very well," Sidious exclaimed, seemingly unaware of his apprentice's discomfort. "I will leave you to your celibacy and let the Force guide me to my destiny…as the Galaxy's greatest man-bimbo."

Again he raised his hand high into the air, and using the Force, and obviously the Dark Side of it due to the extremely disgusting consequences of his actions, Palpatine threw caution to the wind, as well as his own robe, leaving behind only the frail and withered 72 pound body of the Imperial Emperor clad only in his exceedingly tight swimwear.

"What does Lord Vader think of my attire now," Sidious asked, obviously trying to provoke the man who had encouraged him to do this in the first place.

"May I remind you, Master, that I can see only infrared shades through this mask, so your attempts to disturb me psyche are pathetically misplaced."

The Emperor cooed, and put on his most seductive smile for the impassive Sith Lord standing stoically beside him.

"And what of the mental pictures I am projecting into your mind right now? How many ways can you visualize my speedo, Lord Vader?"

"My mental shields are far to strong to yield, thanks to your own training. Stop diddling around, Master, and go get those ladies."

"Oh, I'll get them, Vader." He placed his hands at his hips and propped his chest out as far as he could. "There's no stoppin' this mojo."

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The great experiment began in the wee hours of the morning. It was evening now, and the Emperor's mojo had yet to snare a catch. He had walked the length of the entire beach, leaving behind an unfortunate trail of very attractive and very unconscious human women. The record for lasting the longest in conversation with the decrepit old man before fainting from pure revulsion was four minutes and twenty-three seconds. Not that the Emperor was counting; his faithful apprentice, observing the action from a satellite camera broadcasting the scene to the interior of his ship, had done the tedious work for him.

Still no luck, my Master, Vader sent through the Force.

The night is still young, Lord Vader. The shindig has yet to begin.

But the day is quite old.

Will you please shut up, Lord Vader?

Perhaps you should slip them a roofie coolada. They always seem to work for Governor Tarkin.

I will not resort to such a dishonorable courting ritual, Lord Vader. This exercise serves to prove the merits of myself, and only myself. If I wanted to cheat, I would have used a simple-mind trick on these weak-minded women.

Their minds are strong enough to resist you, my Master.

At least these women are still alive, my apprentice. The same I cannot say for your dearest Padme.

Silence.

"Thought that would shut you up," the Emperor commented to himself. Putting aside the satisfaction from his minor victory, he returned his concentration to focus on the task at hand. It seemed like the old man had built up quite the reputation throughout the day. The entire resort was deserted now, save for the still unconscious bodies littering the place.

Could it be that they are avoiding me? Is it because I smell? Do I smell?

Palpatine flitted his nostrils. Now that he was looking, he did notice a stench in the general vicinity. He moved his nose down towards his armpits…nothing. Satisfied that he was not the source of the smell, Palpatine then continued to trace the stench to a figure sun-tanning behind a rock. A very large and bloated figure, seemingly native to the planet of Mon Calamari. Seemingly female…

Well, I suppose this won't be the first time I've settled. After all, my first goal in life was to become a traveling motivational speaker, not a Dark Lord of the Sith.

He cautiously approached her.

"Hello there."

She woke from her stupor and quickly began to appraise him with her eager, and rather large and bulging, eyes.

"Hi. I'm Radana Ackbar, and you certainly look like a frisky little one."

Palpatine smiled.

Let the seduction game begin.

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"Radana! Radana! Where are you!"

He had searched for hours now for his beloved wife. Gods knew where she was. Ackbar knew it was a bad idea to have left the most beautiful of the Mon Calamari species alone on the beach, but what else could he do? His boss had called him to work on his day off, claiming an emergency, and Ackbar knew that Radana would not have been happy to sit next to him and accompany him while he made cold-calls all day peddling that swindler Calrissian's latest pyramid scheme.

There she was, sauntering contently down the steps of a ship. It appeared that his worst nightmare had come true. He examined her more closely. She was glowing, he realized, and he knew that there was only one thing in the Galaxy that could trigger such a reaction from her.

Fuming now, Ackbar looked for the Identification Plate of the ship. To his shock and awe, it had the insignia of an official Imperial vessel.

"Damn you, you Evil Empire. You have interfered with Telemarketer Ackbar's marriage for the first and last time! I will dedicate the rest of my life to secure my bloody vengeance on you."

And history would later prove his statement to have been correct.