Aaron's Lament – Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV

Aaron was on his bed in Smithy Cottage, staring at the ceiling in his room. It had been three weeks since he had lost Jackson; three weeks of constant pain; an ache in his soul that gnawed away at him. Jackson had been his mentor, his comforter, his rock. He loved Paddy, he loved his Mum, he loved Adam in a platonic way, yet Jackson had been different; someone he had fallen in love with; a soul mate. Now, Aaron had been cast adrift on an endless sea of loneliness; nothing and no-one to grab hold of to pull him safely back to shore.

What was he to do now? The thought of suicide had flashed through his mind more than once, but he dismissed it. It would be all too easy to lock himself in the garage and let the fumes engulf him; just like before; but he promised Jackson he would never do that again; and, even in death, he could not betray him.

Adam had been a good friend, as always; he called on Aaron frequently to check that he was feeling OK. He often invited him out; offering to accompany him to Bar West if he wanted to go; but Aaron always refused the offer. He was not ready to face Bar West yet; his grief was still too raw.

Aaron sat up; he decided that he needed a drink. These days, he ate and drank just to survive, nothing more. There was no pleasure in it; there was no pleasure in anything anymore. He headed downstairs to the kitchen and flipped the switch on the kettle to make a cup of tea.

Mug of tea in hand, he wandered into the living room and sat down on the sofa. He noticed the stack of CD's next to him and looked through them, picking one out that he had not noticed before. It was a film soundtrack to one of Rhona's girly chick-flicks called "When I Needed You", but something caught his eye. About half way down the track listing, there was a song entitled "Aaron's Lament". He thought to himself that it was strange he had never come across it before; but why would he? Rhona's taste in films hardly matched his own.

Aaron loaded the CD into the player and selected the track. Violins began to play and a man began singing a slow song. Aaron listened, open-mouthed, to the words:

"I cannot close my eyes at night

Yet it is only sleep that can bring you back to me in my dreams

If my tears could form a river which flowed to heaven; I could swim back to you

If my empty arms could become wings; I could fly back to you

My aching heart has a vacant space which can only be filled by you

Baby, your name on my lips makes them tremble with grief

You were my first true love; no one else can know me like you

I am yours; I'll always be yours

Goodnight, sweet baby, until we meet again"

By the end of the song, tears were streaming down Aaron's face. It was as if someone had delved into his feelings and put them out on display. He sobbed uncontrollably; when would he ever be happy again?

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A week later, it was just another normal day at the garage. Cain was in his usual foul mood; Aaron ignored him as much as possible; his own mood was not much better. Cain had been sympathetic to Aaron's loss, he had actually liked Jackson, but he had never been good at talking about his feelings; he did not know what to say to Aaron.

Aaron had his head under the bonnet of a car on the forecourt, when he heard a car pull up behind him.

"Excuse me," a voice said, "Could you help me?"

Aaron was about to tell the man that he was busy but something stopped him dead in his tracks. That was Jackson's voice! No, it couldn't be! He turned round to look at the owner of the voice and nearly dropped his spanner; for there stood a man who was the very image of Jackson! Unlike Jackson, he had curly blond hair, longer than Jackson's had been; and was clean-shaven, but the resemblance was remarkable. He decided, straight away, that he wanted this doppelganger to stick around. He was intrigued.

When Aaron finally regained his composure, he asked, "What's up, mate?"

"Damn thing conked out on me about half a mile up the road! I got her started again, but I'm not sure whether I'll make it to Hotten unless I get it checked out. You couldn't take a look, could you?"

Aaron was about to give his best "We're too busy," speech, but he was captivated by this man. Not identical to Jackson by any means; but the likeness was startling.

"Yeah, sure," Aaron said. He flipped the bonnet catch and took a look in the engine compartment. "There's your problem," he said, securing a lead which was about to part company with a terminal.

"Is that all it was?" the man looked a bit embarrassed, "I'm afraid I don't know much about cars! What do I owe you?"

Aaron held his hands up, "It's OK, I haven't really done anything."

"Oh please, let me give you something," the man insisted.

Aaron was thinking on his feet, he really did not want this man to disappear into the sunset, so he said, "You can buy me a pint at the pub, if you want."

The man looked up the road at the Woolpack, "Is that your local?" he asked.

"Yeah," replied Aaron, he looked into the man's brown eyes which looked so familiar to him; he thought it an unusual combination; brown eyes and blond hair, but it was very attractive, "I'm due a lunch break in five minutes; wait a minute; I might as well go now."

Aaron watched the man walk back to his car, his gait, his demeanour; everything about him shouted "Jackson." How could this be? Was he dreaming? He pinched himself but, no; he was definitely awake!

As they walked to the pub, they introduced themselves to each other. Aaron and his new friend walked up to the bar in the Woolpack. Chas looked at him, then at his companion; like Aaron she did a double-take when she first saw this new man. Marlon appeared from the kitchen and had the same expression on his face as Chas. The stranger thought it a bit odd; the looks he was getting, but assumed these 'country' types always stared at people they did not know!

The stranger spoke, "One pint and a coke please," he said, politely.

"This is my Mum, Chas" Aaron introduced his mother to the new man, "This is Jayson," he gestured towards his companion.

"Nice to meet you," said Chas, as she poured the drinks.

"Likewise," replied Jayson. He paid for the drinks and they sat at a table. Jayson was still aware that he was getting rather strange looks, but he shrugged it off.

"Nice pub this, Aaron" said Jayson, "I've seen it when I've been passing before, but this is the first time I've been in."

"Yeah, it's OK I suppose," replied Aaron, desperate to get a conversation going, "So, do you live in Hotten?"

"Certainly do. I take it you live here; in the village."

"Yeah. I only have a short walk to work, which is handy. What do you do? Don't tell me, you're a builder?"

"What made you say that?" Jayson asked.

"No reason," Aaron felt a bit foolish now; there was no reason why should he be a builder, he told himself.

"Well, I actually have a shop in Hotten, selling records. We trade in collectable vinyl, that sort of thing."

"Oh, I see."

"Do you like music?"

"Yeah, but my stuff's on CD!"

"Most music is these days; either that or downloaded" Jayson said, wistfully.

"So, why aren't you in your shop today?" asked Aaron.

"My partner is running it today, it's my day off."

"Partner?" queried Aaron.

"Yes, business partner; Vic."

"I see."

"We do have CD's as well; you have to stock them these days if you want to grow sales. You'll have to pop in some time; I'll give you my card."

Jayson handed Aaron a card. He read the names on it, "JayVic Sounds. Proprietors: Jayson Wallace and Victor Wallace."

"Is he your brother?" asked Aaron.

"Cousin," replied Jayson.

Aaron thought it spooky that Jayson's initials were JW.

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After Jayson left, for the rest of the day, Aaron could not get him out of his head. He was so much like Jackson it was uncanny; the same voice, the same build, even a very similar personality. He wondered if he was gay; which would make the similarity with his dear departed boyfriend even more uncanny. But, he dismissed the notion; it was, after all, none of his business.

That evening, Aaron called in to the Woolpack.

"Good to see you out and about," said Chas, "Your friend seemed nice."

"He's not a friend," replied Aaron, "He called at the garage and I helped him with his car and he wanted to buy me a drink."

"I couldn't believe it when I saw him. He was the image of Jackson!"

"You don't need to tell me!" said Aaron, "It was amazing!"

A few days later, Aaron found himself outside Jayson's shop in Hotten.

"What am I doing here?" he asked himself; and was on the point of turning heel and walking away when Jayson came out of the shop with a bucket of water in his hand.

He spotted Aaron standing outside and recognised him. "Hi Aaron, you took me up on my offer then."

"What?" Aaron looked bemused.

"To pop into the shop!"

"Oh, yeah; thought I'd come and give the place the once over!"

"Good, come on in!"

Aaron entered the shop with Jayson right behind him. A tall, stocky man with long brown hair was standing behind the counter.

"Vic," Jayson addressed the man behind the counter, "This is Aaron, he's the one that rescued me the other day."

Vic extended his hand to shake Aaron's.

"Hardly rescued!" replied Aaron, "You make me sound like a hero!"

"Oh, but you are!" replied Vic, "Jay hasn't stopped singing your praises since! He had visions of being stranded out in the wilds!"

Jayson went outside again to clean something off the window. Aaron looked around the shop while Jayson was otherwise engaged. After a while, he came back inside and spoke to his cousin, "Well, it's my lunchtime. Fancy a drink Aaron?"

Aaron looked at Jayson and smiled, "Yeah; that would be nice. My round I think!"

Aaron and Jayson sat in the bar of the pub just round the corner to Jayson's shop.

"Do you normally drink in here?" asked Aaron.

"Sometimes," replied Jayson, "It's handy, you know, but I prefer country pubs mainly. Your local is nice, that's the sort of place I usually like."

Aaron decided to take the bull by the horns, "Have you ever been to Bar West?"

"No I haven't; I know it, but I've never been."

"I have, quite a lot."

"Oh! Is it good?"

"Yeah, I like it; at least, I used to."

"I've thought about going there but, well, I'm a bit shy. Going into a gay bar on my own is a bit daunting."

"Tell me about it. I was bricking it when I first went there. Didn't really know who I was, you know."

"Yeah, I know! Coming out is not always easy, is it?"

"So, you're..." Aaron felt uncomfortable asking Jayson outright if he was gay.

"Yeah, I am."

"Me too!"

"Listen, say no if you don't want to, but how about we go there together; tonight maybe?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," Aaron was glad he could think of going to Bar West again and with someone he felt attracted to.

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Aaron was getting ready to go out. He did like Jayson, the little he had seen of him, but he was beginning to have doubts. Was he attracted to this guy simply because he reminded him of Jackson? Would he have agreed to go out with him otherwise? Was it too soon to be going on a date with anyone so soon after Jackson's demise? Then, he remembered Jackson's words, "Don't grieve for me too long, go out and find someone else, I don't want you to be lonely after I'm gone."

Aaron nearly chickened out of the meeting with Jayson, but he told himself he was being stupid. "What harm could it do; it's only a drink!" he thought to himself. Suddenly, he remembered uttering those same words to Paddy when he first went out with Jackson; he knew even then that it was more than just a drink. The only difference was; this time around, Aaron was the confident one and Jayson was the hesitant one going into Bar West.

Aaron pulled on his jacket and headed out of the door.