Here is a list of the contestants with their new labels, along with their old labels for referencing purposes.
Beardo- The Dancing Machine (The Human Soundboard)
Leonard- The Wizard (The LARPer)
Amy- The Leftbrained Twin (The Evil Twin)
Rodney- The Chick Magnet (The Country Boy)
Sammy/Samey- The Rightbrained Twin (The Good Twin)
Ella- The Hood Chick (The Fairytale Princess)
Topher- The Better Chris (The Chris Wannabe)
Dave- The Unabashed Weirdo (The Normal Guy)
Scarlett- The Loud Moron (The Quiet Genius)
Max- The Competent Villain (The Incompetent Villain)
Jasmine- The Suburban Neighborhood Girl (The Australian Outback Girl)
Sky- The MMA Fighter (The Gymnast)
Shawn- The Blissful Ignorant (The Conspiracy Nut)
"Welcome, Total Drama fans!" announced Chris, with a backdrop of the wilderness "Get some clean undies, because things are about to get wild!"
"As you may recall, during our whole Heroes vs. Villains debacle, someone" Chris awkwardly cleared his throat "And I prefer to remain nameless, accidently destroyed our whole island. The only thing we managed to save was the Outhouse Confessional, and the nasty butt smells that live inside, courtesy of Owen. No cabins. No hotels. No oddly-sized shopping bags. Just the Playa de Losers for when the contestants get eliminated"
"It's the roughest roughing-it that's ever been roughed on Total Drama; so buckle up for Total Drama; Pahkitew Island"
Several thousand feet off the ground, a motorized blimp materialized high above the Pahkitew Island shores. On board are fourteen teenagers ranging from from sixteen to seventeen years old.
Ella, a notorious stoner from the city of Venice Beach, swayed absentmindedly from side to side in syncopation to the rhythmic movements of the airship. The girl's hair went down to the bottom of her ribcage, and it was shaved completely on her left side. Her black tank top was speckled with green, red, and yellow polka dots of varying sizes. The largest was about the size of a closed fist and the smallest was the size of a pinkie nail.
Sky briefly looked at Ella before pulling some gum out of her pocket. Her magenta hoodie gave her more of a balance between masculine and feminine. Her dark gray leggings stopped about mid-calf.
She looked to her other side and quickly figured that the guy next to her wasn't much of a threat to her physically. She pulled out one piece of gum and popped it into her mouth and offered it to him.
Max was more of a unique character on board the plane. His hair was cut in a wide sort of mohawk. The top was longer and scruffier than the sides, which were cut short. He was short, but extremely muscular. Instead of wearing 'normal clothes', he wore a green, zip-up sweater with matching khakis. His hair was raven-black.
"Thank you, kind citizen" acknowledged Max as he carefully inserted the gum into his mouth. His face slowly relaxed "Root beer, my favorite flavor"
An outburst of laughter came from one of the other benches on the airship.
"So, then" said Dave, with a dramatic flair "I jumped in front of the T-Mobile and started rapping, dancing, flipping the hair, the whole sha-bang. Bam! That's how I became a street performer"
Dave almost seemed like he wanted to blend in, but his personality wouldn't allow it. He sported an entirely black outfit made of jeans, a plain, short-sleeved t-shirt and a beanie.
Leonard looked at him intently, as if tried to analyze Dave and to see if he was lying. When he came to a conclusion, he smiled "That's a very intriguing story, David. Perhaps you could introduce me to your dance crew sometime. I've been meaning to get a start in that sort of thing, y'know?"
Leonard had on some light-gray sweatpants, a turquoise button-up shirt, and a pink fedora, as if he had picked out the first things he saw in a thrift shop and didn't entirely know what human fashion was.
"Shit, man, no problem." said Dave, offering a hand for a fistbump. Leonard recoiled instead, thinking Dave intended to hit him.
"Yo, skinny boy, you got some street performers were you come from?" shouted Ella from across the room.
"'Course I do!" Dave shouted back "I got this song from some of them. Said his name was MAX, and for some reason he emphasized the fact that his name was in all caps. I wish my name was in all caps."
Beardo started busting out some moves as Dave started singing.
Beardo was something of an anomaly, even among the extraverted contestants of Pahkitew Island. He almost never spoke at all, and mostly communicated what he wanted to say through movement.
Beardo donned a plain, tight, white t-shirt that showed every microscopic triviality of his upper body. He also had on some black cargo shorts with bright blue stripes on them. Much like his name suggests, Beardo does indeed have a beard, but no hair on top of his head to accompany it.
"I wish I could dance like that" muttered Sammy under her breath
"It's almost impossible for anyone to dance like that. Even the odds of that guy being able to dance like that is several million to one. Factoring in all the hard work he's put himself through along with the raw talent he was born with; your dream will only be a dream" said Amy indifferently
"You're no fun" Sammy pouted
Amy and Sammy, being identical twins, looked almost exactly alike. Their jeans were identical in shape and color, but their upper bodies differed.
Sammy had on a white crop top and her hair was let down and a little messy, making her seem a little crazy, but in a good way. She kicked her feet back and forth, insinuating that she had some form of hyperactivity disorder.
Amy had on a fluffy, pink sweater and her hair was pulled back in a tight, librarian-style bun. She had glasses on her face and her nose was stuck in a National Geographic magazine.
Two more contestants hung out hear the cockpit of the mechanized blimp. The first was named Topher, one of the best impressionists that Canada has to offer. "I'm gonna build the best wall" he announced, in an far beyond commonplace impression of American President "I'm gonna build a twelve foot wall around the border. What do you mean El Chapo has a thirteen foot ladder?"
Topher had on a periwinkle button-up that was completely unbuttoned and some white jeans that had no hint of any stains anywhere. It was like Topher's jeans sensed how perfect their owner was and strived to be just as good. His hair was spiked up and his teeth sparkled and gleamed.
The girl next to him was laughing and snorting without a care in the world. Her dirty-blonde hair was streaked with purple and she had a heftier build, but she didn't care all that much. Her name was Kalie, but due to her insatiable sweet tooth, she gained the nickname Sugar, and it stuck with her wherever she went.
"Oh" said another girl sitting next to Sugar "I get it, it's because a thirteen foot ladder is taller than a twelve foot ladder. Very clever" said Scarlett, nodding to herself. She had on a tank top the color of a streetlight telling drivers to slow down and a pencil skirt that made it very hard for her to run.
The last two inhabitants of the plane looked at each other "I don't know if she's joking or not" admitted Rodney, referring to Scarlett's airheaded comment. Rodney, much like Beardo, knew that he was very physically attractive and had no problem showing off. He had on a tight, v-neck flannel that showed off more than half of his pectoral muscles. He also had on some three-quarter jeans that probably would've looked stupid on anyone else on the plane, but Rodney made it work.
"I think she was" said Shawn earnestly. Shawn had on a red polo shirt, and a backwards cap that had the word 'create' on it in a large, blue font.
Lightning flashed outside, and soon, thunder reverberated in the cabin. Scarlett stumbled into Rodney's lap. "Hold me" she commanded. Rodney, warily, did as she told him.
Ella handled the situation differently, by humming a reggae tune as loud as she could so that the thunder seemed less loud and intimidating.
"Oh, great. Thunder" grumbled Sammy "I'm astraphobic. I hate thunder!"
"Thunder is completely harmless. It's the lightning that kills you" comforted Amy
"Not helping!"
Chris came from the cabin and rubbed his eyes "I'm legally bound to tell you that there are two emergency exits and eight parachutes inside these two crates. Your challenge? Make it to Pahkitew Island alive. I'll be there in an hour or so to get you losers ready for part two. Buh-bye now"
Scarlett looked around dim wittedly and saw two, yellow boxes each about the size of a school desk. "I think he means those boxes"
"Well, yeah, of course he does" said Topher in an a near spot-on impersonation of Steve Harvey "It's not like there are other boxes in here"
Lightning flashed again, striking one of the propellers keeping the airship afloat. The cabin shuddered like a girl wearing a bikini in the middle of the Arctic Circle. Logically, everyone started to panic and run around the cabin. Everyone except Dave. He giggled like a kid in a candy shop and enjoyed every moment.
Rodney ripped off the lids of both the boxes and started tossing parachutes to everyone. Most of the girls, with Sky and Jasmine as exceptions, just stared and smiled at the well-built farm boy.
Max and Jasmine plowed off the plane first, with Beardo close behind. Sky punched out one of the emergency exits and lept off with a faint trace of a grin on her face, as if she had done exciting things like skydiving before.
Jasmine pulled her parachute first "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon" she muttered under her breath as she fumbled with the cord. Jasmine lived a fairly sheltered, almost boring life in the suburbs just outside of Alberta. She had never done anything like this before, and it was evident.
Finally, Jasmine managed to pull the cord correctly, and a parachute flared up from her backpack. The goliath girl clapped her hands together rapidly "There's some luck in me after all!"
However, there was no such luck for Beardo, as instead of a backpack containing a parachute, Beardo had grabbed a backpack that only enclosed a chicken, which immediately fluttered away. Beardo sighed. Just his luck.
Amy and Sammy held hands and jumped off the plane together. "I really hope that we both have parachutes." said Sammy quietly
"The odds of that happening, seeing that the really tall girl already has one, is exactly ten percent" said Amy flatly, showing no signs of fear or apprehension.
"Never tell me the odds!" yelled Sammy as she bounded from the exit that Sky punched open
"Whatever you say, Captain Solo" said Amy acerbically, following her sister down.
Sammy, in a panic, pulled her cord immediately. Luckily for her, the backpack Rodney gave her had a parachute in it. So did Amy's.
"Take that, the odds" jubilated Sammy, sounding less badass than she intended due to a voicecrack.
Amy rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.
Sugar opened her backpack next, resulting in pots and pans to fall out of it. A tiara fell into Sugar's opened hands "A tiara? The hell am I supposed to do with this?" She threw it away from her, accidentally hitting Dave in the face.
"Really, you had pots in your pack. Did you not notice the fact that it was way too heavy to be a parachute?" asked Dave
"I don't know how heavy parachutes are" objected Sugar.
"Luckily, the pack Rodney gave me was as light as a... " Dave pulled the cord, emitting feathers that started drifting all around him "...feather..."
Sugar and Dave looked at each other for a few seconds before laughing that the other's misfortune.
Topher managed to snag one of the actual parachutes and started singing Celebrate in a imitation of Kool and The Gang.
Leonard was not as lucky, as his bag was filled with tambourines. Leonard shrugged and willed the air near him to go under him to eventually cushion his fall.
Rodney, by sheer serendipity, had given himself a parachute. "Badda-bing, badda-boom" said Rodney, shooting an imaginary fingergun in the air.
Ella pulled her cord, and her backpack shot out a teddy bear with a miniature parachute attached to it. The Venice native threw her arms in the air with frustration and confusion "What the actual fuck?! How did that even fit in my backpack". To add injury to insult, one of Leonard's tambourines hit Ella in the face. "Oh, come the fuck on!"
Scarlett managed to get a parachute, while Shawn was stuck with a bunch of hot dogs. Shawn shrugged and seized one of the hot dogs out of the sky. Might as well go out deliciously.
As all the contestant reached the ground (some more painfully than others), they found a scene in which Chef was yelling at Chris about wasting fifteen percent of the budget on an automated airship that was gonna be destroyed before the ten minute mark.
"Wait, I saw that guy on the 's he doing here?" pointed out Topher
Chris gasped, taking great offense to Topher's comment "Firstly, 'that guy' is Chris McLean, the greatest television host in Canadian history. Secondly, that was a hologram
"What's a hologram?" Scarlett wondered aloud. No one answered her.
Max, who had been missing until now, stumbled into the clearing with a ragged sheet anchor dragging behind "What'd I miss?" he asked no one in particular before collapsing onto the ground with a groan.
"Honestly, almost nothing at all" said Chris "All those who had actual parachutes and not my early Christmas presents, please stand to my left. That would be; Scarlett, Topher, Rodney, Jasmine, Amy and Sammy." The aforementioned contestants did as they were told. Rodney unbuttoned one of the buttons on his flannel, because where he gives, it's normally very cold. He wasn't used to weather above eighty degrees Fahrenheit. Every girl on the team immediately started ogling over him, making Rodney uncomfortable.
"For those unfortunate fucks that did not get a parachute, please go to my right. That would be; Shawn, Leonard, Ella, Dave, Beardo, Sky, and Sugar."
Confessional
Sammy: "No offense to Amy or anything, but I auditioned for Total Drama to get away from her. She's such a buzzkill!"
Leonard: "I have to keep the fact that I'm a wizard a secret. If they find out, I'll get eliminated for sure!"
End Confessional
The Fortunate Fucks
"Because I spent our entire transportation and shelter budget on that airship that just got destroyed by that thunderstorm that oddly disappeared, your first challenge is to make sure that you can build your own shelter so I don't get sued. You can use whatever resources you find on the island and that large, overly-convenient junkpile over there. You have five hours before the other team gets a turn. Begin!"
"Are these our teammates?" asked Scarlett
"Yes. I thought that was in the subtext but I guess someone isn't smart enough to read between the lines." said Chris, half in amazement and half
"Okay, guys I have a good team name." declared Sammy to the people that received parachutes in their pack "Rodney's Angels"
Max raised his hand to protest, but Scarlett forcefully lowered it "Agreed"
"But.." started Max
"But nothing" said Amy "We're Rodney's Angels"
Max seemed unhappy with that choice, and oddly enough, so did Rodney. However, both of the men knew that it would be pointless to object. They wouldn't change anyone's minds.
"I suggest we build a secret hideout near the beach." recommended Max.
No one seemed to show any support for Max's idea. He frowned morosely and kicked a pebble close to his foot.
Rodney saw this and decided to back him up "A secret hideout seems doable. I'm in" Immediately, Jasmine, Amy and Scarlett voiced their opinions of approval.
"I really like this, actually" said Sammy "The only problem is having enough material to make a hideout big enough for all eight of us"
"I built a shed for my pet chicken at home. His name is Mr. Nuggets. This is just like that, but on a bigger scale." elucidated Rodney "It shouldn't be that hard"
Confessional
Jasmine: "Rodney has a way with words, and his leadership skills are like the volleyball coach at my school. But Rodney actually gets shit done. Eat my ass Coach Glover!"
Topher: "Rodney has a weird way with the ladies. And for some reason, Sammy is immune. Why does that matter?"
Max: "I'm sorry, but I just feel like I need to point out that Rodney has a pet chicken named Mr. Nuggets? Does the chicken know what the word nugget even means? That's like naming your child Mr. Corpse. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that could be a good villain name"
End Confessional
"Jasmine, you're pretty strong think you can get that metal sheet? That'll make a pretty good roof" instructed Rodney
Jasmine gave the junkpile a quick once over. There was a dumpster behind the Barnes and Noble close to her house. It was nowhere near as big as the junkpile she was staring at, but, on the other hand, the junkpile smelled nowhere near as bad
"Any sort of adhesive around?" asked Max, as he followed Jasmine to the junkpile
"Use smaller words." ordered Scarlett as she tossed various things behind her; including a stuffed black bear and a green and yellow duffel bag that reminded everyone of Sprite.
Max gawked at Scarlett, like he was trying to determine if Scarlett was as simple minded as she made herself out to be. He took a deep breath to defuse his emotions before he lost his temper and got himself eliminated first. "Get some sticky shit" he said. Scarlett nodded eagerly and started throwing everything around like a monkey before finding some industrial tape.
Max's eyes expanded at the idiotic ginger's good luck.
"Good job so far, guys." called Rodney, taking the metal sheet from Jasmine and leaning it against a nearby oak tree, "We just need some walls. We can focus on all the furniture and decorations and stuff after the challenge"
"Let's go, bucko" encouraged Max as he, Scarlett and the twins started sorting through the massive junkpile. Well, Max and Amy sorted through the accumulation of junk. Scarlett and Sammy just threw things behind them without really looking.
Eventually, Amy and Max got all the supplies they needed, and they went to meet Rodney, Jasmine, and Topher.
All the details of the hideout being constructed are extremely tedious, and therefore will not be documented.
The final product was very impressive, especially because it was seven teenagers with very little building experience that created it. The metal sheet balanced on four thick, tall slabs of wood. In the corner, there was a black outline of a rectangle, where Rodney intended to saw out a window.
Each contestant had their own personal space that was about three hundred square feet, giving the shelter a grand total of twenty-one hundred square feet, about the size of a very low budget home.
The interior of the den was interesting, mostly because it was an amalgamation of seven different personalities thrown into an area the size of a classroom.
Amy's area was very simplistic, almost to the point of lifelessness. She, like all the other contestants, was provided with a bed. Her section of the wall was covered with pictures of famous scientists and intellectuals, like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. She also had a whiteboard with each of the contestants names on it.
Sammy's was somehow already messy, despite only being in the shelter for fifteen minutes. Books and assorted clothing items littered the ground. On her wall was a poorly painted emu, courtesy of Scarlett.
Topher's section had all kinds of oddities, including a hand puppet of Donald Trump, and the Sprite duffel bag that was found in the junkpile. Under his bed was enough hair gel to last Topher ten weeks, although he didn't think he would actually make it that far.
Rodney's section had pictures of his family and Taylor Swift up on the wall. On his bed was a striped, stuffed alligator which he named Stripey. Max wasted no time in renaming it Sarcos. It was an odd name, Rodney thought, even when Max explained that 'sarco' meant flesh in Latin.
Jasmine's wall was very similar to Amy's, but instead of people that actually contribute to society, Jasmine's wall was covered with superheroes like Johnny Quick and Hyperion, and YouTubers like Markiplier and Thomas Sanders.
Scarlett's wall had a coconut that had a face drawn on it.
Finally, Max's wall resembled Jasmine's, but instead of superheroes or nerds, he had villains on his wall. To be specific, Darth Vader, Hannibal Lector, Lex Luthor, and Walter White, which sparked a huge debate with Topher, who called Lector too one-dimensional to be placed with Vader or White.
Rodney's Angels took some time to admire their handiwork before letting the other team, who had named themselves The Fugitives, have their fun with the junkpile.