A/N: Obviously I do not own Lost, I mean...hello? Fanfiction! If I owned Lost I'd be writing scripts! I'll ask JJ and co very nicely for my birthday - think it'll work? Eh...me neither. So...just a oneshot inspired by listening to Panic too many times.
Kate was stood in the shower, her eyes were squeezed tightly shut; and even underneath the streams of hot water, she shivered, and tears fell. How could she do this? How could she do this again? To herself, to Jack, to her baby? It didn't seem right, it wasn't fair. She didn't even know why she did it. It was like he'd call her, say he was 'in town', and they'd go for a coffee, have a chat, and somehow, it always ended up like this. Her waking up in the middle of night, in his bed, with his arm around her; instead of Jack's, like it should be.
Kate shuddered in the shower, and reached for the soap. She couldn't believe it, once again, she was trying to wash the scent of sex off of her. It was disgusting, degrading, it had to stop. She had to put an end to it. Thinking back to how she'd woken, she felt another wave of nausea sweep over her. He repulsed her now, but she still slept with him.
When the water went cold, she turned the water off and stepped out of his shower. Wrapping a towel around her body, she moved back towards the bedroom to find her clothes.
"Freckles." He smirked, giving her a nod. Kate ignored him and just pushed past him to grab her clothes.
"What's got under your skin?" He asked her.
"Apparently, you." She said through her clenched teeth, and threw him his pants. "Please, Sawyer, put some clothes on."
"You were hardly complaining last night." He laughed.
"Well, I'm complaining now." She said angrily.
"Whoa, whoa…what have I done? Don't get all pissed at me, sassafrass." He said leaning against the doorway.
"Well in that case, I'm so sorry." Kate said sarcastically. "I'm fairly sure it was you who called my house, you who gave me the alcohol, and you who initiated the whole thing." She said pulling on her tank top.
"You were enjoying it!" He told her.
"And intoxicated!" Kate said, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. "I've had enough." She said moving past him towards the door.
"Hey, you be back later?" He asked with a cheeky grin.
"Does it look like I'm thinking of coming back?" She asked him loudly.
"Well, I dunno, if I knew, I wouldn't be asking now, would I?"
"Argh." Kate moaned. "I…have…had…enough! I can't do this anymore, I won't do this anymore. I don't want to! For God's sake, Sawyer; I have a husband now, and a toddler at home…can't you understand that, please?"
"Perhaps you should have more self control." He growled at her.
"I can't do this to my family." She told him.
"Ah…" He smiled. "Freckles' got a guilty conscience."
"Sawyer…" Kate sighed, rubbing her temples. "Not anymore, never again." She shook her head. "We can't do this, I won't allow it. Do you know how scared I was when I found out I was pregnant with Max? Do you? I was terrified that it would be your child, and not Jack's. I love Jack. I need you to understand that I'm with Jack. For now, for always…we can't do this."
"It takes two."
"You're on your own. I don't want you calling us anymore, I don't want to hear anything about you, I don't want to hear your voice, I don't want to see you, and I definitely, do not need, nor want, to fuck you!" She yelled at him. "I mean it!" She slammed his front door, leaving a distraught Sawyer standing behind it.
Hot, angry tears streamed down Kate's face as she drove towards her suburban neighbourhood. Would Jack know? Would he accept her, would he disown her? Max…oh God, what about Max? "You idiot; you stupid, stupid fool." Kate repeated as she pulled up in front of her house. She sat in her parked car on the drive for a full five minutes before climbing out. Should she even go home? Should she tell Jack? Kate felt physically sick again, repulsed by what she'd done. She'd promised him last time that she wouldn't. He wasn't going to be happy.
Kate drew in a deep breath as she opened the front door and locked it behind her. The lights were off, Jack was already in bed, good. Slowly, and quietly, Kate crept up the stairs, and pushed open the door to their bedroom, which was always left open a jar, so that they could hear Max when he woke up. Kate had slid her shoes of when she entered the house, so softly padded across the room, to the chest of drawers where she pulled out a pair of pyjamas.
"I'm sorry Jack, I'm so sorry." She whispered as she crouched down by his side of the bed. "I do love you, so much. I always said you didn't deserve me." Kate bit back the tears as she swept a hand through his hair and kissed his cheek before making her way to the bathroom.
Once again Kate found herself in the shower, trying to make herself clean. Eventually she gave up, figuring that she no longer smelt of sex, but instead was trying to wash away her guilt, which evidently, would not work. Kate turned off the shower and towelled herself dry before pulling on the pyjama buttons and tank top that she normally wore to bed.
Kate walked across the wall and into her son's room. She walked up to his crib, and smiled softly, as she saw her eleven month old son, sleeping peacefully, a sweet smile on his face, as he let out a happy sigh. Kate leant over the edge of the crib, and swept back his hair, thinking that perhaps she ought to trim it for him soon. She couldn't believe how fast he'd grown, he was almost one, and so much bigger than he had been, even just a couple of months back.
As Max stirred, and let out a whimper Kate reached into the crib and lifted him out. She held him closely to her chest, and whispered soothingly to him. He blinked his soft, baby brown eyes at her, before leaning his head on her shoulder and falling back asleep. Kate walked up and down the room, rocking him slightly, as she whispered words of love to him.
Kate had been sitting in the comfy chair, in Max's room, with him still in her arms for about 10 minutes when she heard Jack enter the room.
"Hey." He spoke softly, smiling at her.
"Hi." She said, finally tearing her eyes away from Max who looked a lot like his father, except from the splashing of freckles over his nose and cheeks, and the dark, curls of hair.
"Everything okay?" He asked, walking towards her, and crouching down in front of her and Max. Not quite trusting her voice, she nodded.
"He's sleeping now, you going to come to bed?" He asked her, stroking their son's back.
Kate shrugged, as she stood up, and walked back over to the crib, where she tucked her son in. "I can't believe he's almost one." She finally looked up at Jack.
"I know." He smiled, and placed a hand on her shoulder. "We could…we could have…" He started, but Kate interrupted him.
"No. Maybe one day, but not yet…" Kate sighed, maybe one day, if he forgave her. "It's not that I don't want more, it's just…"
"You want to enjoy Max while we still can?" He kissed her hair.
"Yeah." She sighed, allowing herself to lean back against Jack, slightly, before pulling away.
"Come to bed, Kate." He pleaded with her, "Work's been so crazy, I feel like I haven't seen enough of you…"
"I know." She replied but shook her head. "You go back to bed; I think I'll just…sleep on the sofa." Kate said moving to the airing cupboard, to get blankets.
"Kate…"
"Don't Jack, just…don't." She shook her head, and willed herself not to cry. "I'm going to sleep on the sofa tonight."
"Why Kate? If you don't want to sleep with me, can't you at least have one of the guest rooms, with a bed?" He asked, confused. He didn't understand.
As Kate placed the blankets on the sofa, she turned to look up at him. "I honestly, don't think I deserve to sleep in a bed." She told him bluntly.
"Kate…" He sighed.
"Jack, why are you still with me?" She asked, "Why are we still together? Why haven't you tried to divorce me yet?"
"Because I love you, Kate." He told her, and then frowned. "You…you don't…want a divorce, do you?"
"No, of course not." She shook her head. "That's not it. I just don't understand why you don't; you should."
"Kate, honey, look at me." Kate slowly turned around, and he placed his hands on her shoulders, ducking his head slightly so that they were a similar height. "I love you, okay? I don't care if you think you're not worthy because of your past, I think you're a good person, and I love you. That must count for something."
"It's not that." She told him, finally letting the tears slip. "I did it again." She sank to the floor, and leant her head back against the side of the couch. "I saw Sawyer earlier, Jack."
"And you slept with him?" He asked, filling in the blanks.
"I didn't want to!" She cried.
"But you said, Kate, you said, you promised." He reminded her.
"I know I did…and I feel terrible. That's why I need to sleep on the sofa! That's why you should be divorcing me! You don't deserve me…you don't deserve a lying, cheating, slut of a wife!"
"Kate…" Jack started, kneeling in front of her; "you're not a slut."
"Yes I am." She told him, and looked straight into his eyes. "I wasn't faithful to you, I slept with someone that's not you. It doesn't matter than I was sort of drunk, or that he forced it…"
"Did he…did he force it, force it? He didn't rape you Kate, did he?" Jack asked concerned.
"I hate that he didn't…" Kate admitted. "He forced it at first, but I don't think I was trying hard enough to stop him."
"Oh Kate."
"I told him it was the last time. I told him that I never wanted to see him again, or even hear of him. I hate myself Jack!" She told him. "It actually made me sick." She held her head in her hands. "I don't know why I did it, I can't remember everything; and I don't want to." She shook her head. "I'm a bitch, Jack, a lying, cheating bitch…Why don't you hate me?" She asked him.
"Because I love you." He reminded her.
"Jack! You can't love me, you're meant to hate me! You're meant to kick me out, or hit me…or do something…get angry…please, just…do something. How can you be so calm? I just slept with another man, Jack! And it wasn't just anyone, it was Sawyer! You hate Sawyer, I hate Sawyer…" She shouted at him.
"Kate, Kate, Kate!" Jack grabbed a hold of her hands, forcing her to look at him. "I'm not happy about it, but there's no use in getting angry at you; not if you didn't really want it, and regret it this much." He sighed. "I'm surprised you told me."
"I hate myself, you have to hate me too…and Max." She said through her tears.
"You want Max to hate you too?" Jack asked, almost laughing.
"No…but he should, he should; because I'm meant to be with you. I'm meant to only sleep with you…"
"I don't think Max is old enough to understand that." Jack smiled. "He couldn't hate you; you're his mother, Kate."
"But you should hate me, you should hate me Jack." She said trying to pull her arms free, but his hands only tightened around them.
"Kate, you're my wife; I love you. I could never hate you. I'm not happy with what you've done; but do I really need to hate you? Especially if you already hate yourself so much?"
"Yes. You're supposed to." She nodded.
"I wasn't supposed to marry an ex-criminal but I did." Jack chuckled. "I don't do what I'm supposed to do, you know that." He said, and Kate slowly nodded.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, so, so, so sorry." She told him, honestly. "It won't happen again, it won't, I promise. If it does I'll leave, you can leave me if it does. I don't want it to, and it won't…but just…in case…"
"Kate." He said softly, tracing the outline of her face, with one hand, and she leant into his touch. "We'll get through this, we will. It mightn't be easy on either of us, but we'll get through it. We're strong Kate, you're stronger than this, remember that." He told her firmly, and she slowly nodded her head. "And I really, really love you, never forget that."
"Really, really?" She asked, and he nodded.
"Really, really."
"I love you too, so much. But you are too good, and kind, and…and…I still think that you're too good for me." She told him.
"Tough." He smiled, sweeping her hair back, and kissing her forehead. "You're stuck with me." Jack stood up, and then reached a hand down to pull his wife up. When she was standing her pulled her to him, and she collapsed in his arms. "You okay now?" He asked her, pulling back from the hug.
"Better." She nodded. "I still feel like a horrible person though, I am sorry."
"I know." He kissed her temple.
"I can't sleep with you tonight." She said sadly though.
"Kate, I'm not asking for sex…"
"That's not…I can't come to bed, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but I can't sleep in our bed with you, not tonight."
"Okay." Jack nodded his head. "You sure you'll be okay on the sofa, you really should sleep in the guest room…"
"No, I want to sleep here. I need to…I have to punish myself, especially if you won't." She smirked slightly.
Jack smiled at her, "Okay then, I'll see you in the morning."
"Yeah." She smiled up at him. "Thank you for everything, for loving me enough to not be angry at me…" She said hugging him quickly.
"I can't help it." He told her, and she laughed. "Night Kate." He said as he made his way towards the stairs.
"Night Jack."
Jack couldn't deny that he wasn't angry, because he was. True, he didn't see the point in getting so angry at his wife, when she was already beating herself enough about it. He wasn't happy, and she knew that; but the thought that what she'd done had actually made her physically sick comforted him some. If he knew where to find Sawyer, Jack thought that he might just, have some fun punching the crap out of him, for getting his wife drunk and then sleeping with her. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right; and they all knew it.
Jack understood that sometimes Kate needed to see Sawyer, to talk to him. She needed, just occasionally, to talk to someone who understood what it was like to have such a dark, and shaded past. Jack knew, that some people looked through photo albums when thinking of the past. But Kate was different; he knew, and understood that. She was so different. For Kate a walk down memory lane was so much more painful, more real; and sometimes, just sometimes she'd do things she'd later regret doing. Seeing Sawyer, drinking, fucking.
She knew it hurt her family; she knew it hurt herself too. She tried to stop, she tried before…but she was still too weak. This time, this time she was determined. It would not happen again, ever. She didn't need to revisit the past, ever. Not unless it concerned Jack, or Max – then she could spend forever dwelling on the past. Kate had decided; she'd never let it happen again because she loved her family so much. So far, Jack seemed too forgiving, too loving, too accepting; Kate knew it couldn't last forever, one day he would snap, he would break, and she wouldn't blame it.
It would stop. It was time to move on. Well and truly time to move on. Forget the shady past, move onto a bright, and colourful future. With everything from the past buried, Kate could finally allow herself to fully move on, not that she hadn't tried, or partly done so before. This time, it was sticking. She was determined; Jack showed her how much he loved her all the time, and she was constantly wondering if she loved him enough; if she showed him enough, told him enough. As of tomorrow, that would change. She would work hard to prove just how much she loved him. Maybe Kate couldn't be perfect, couldn't always be the good person that she felt Jack truly deserved. But Jack made her want to try; he made her want to be the wife, the lover he deserved. And she would try, she really would.