Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, the show or pretty much anything else.
A/N: Special thanks to Calicsifan07 for looking this over for me. She's really a great person and a great writer also. There you go Carol, a shameless plug for ya.....
CSICSICSICSICSICSICSI
Grissom threw the Forensics magazine he was reading across the room. Hank got up and walked over to it cautiously. He sniffed then went back to his spot on the rug when he realized it was nothing of interest. Grissom watched the dog who had since closed his eyes and appeared to be sleeping.
"Well glad you can sleep. Why wouldn't you be able to? I mean the toughest decision you ever face is which tree to pee on." Grissom folded his arms across his chest and sighed heavily. He thought for a moment and then looked back at Hank. "And why is that? Why can't you pee on the same tree every day? I pee in the same toilets. I don't go around scrounging for a new one every time." Hank opened his eyes when Grissom started to sit up.
"I mean seriously why is everyone so hellbent on trying out new things? What ever happened to enjoying the status quo? The tried and true?" Grissom got up and started walking around his living room. Hank lifted his head and watched his master pace back and forth. "Was it so terrible to only have chocolate, strawberry and vanilla as ice cream flavors? I guess so because now we have to have Mint Chocolate Almond Fudge Raspberry Oatmeal Cookie Surprise. I mean who eats this stuff?"
Hank and Grissom stared at each other. Hank waited patiently for him to continue. And he always did. Hank had been listening to these tirades for a week. Sometimes Grissom was laying down when he rambled on. Sometimes he was sitting up and they were both on the couch and Grissom would pet Hank as he continued his one sided discussion. Today though seemed to be a particularly trying day for his master. Grissom rarely exhibited so much energy as of late. The pacing, the arms flaying around, the head shaking back and forth.
Hank watched Grissom as he would a tennis match finally resting his head back down and just following him with his eyes. "And everything sooner or later gets stamped with 'new and improved' on it because we can't have things being as they were 20 years ago. My mother told me that any woman worth her weight in gold wouldn't change a thing about me. Movies told me that love meant never having to say your sorry. Music taught me...that's it. I'll listen to some music. Hey if it can soothe the savage beast, it should certainly relax me enough to sleep." Grissom went over to the stereo and picked up the remote control. He went back to the sofa and laid down.
"Yeah this will do the trick. I know that I haven't sleep right for weeks and the only decent night sleep I had was went I went to see well you know." He seemed to trail off and got lost in his quiet thoughts. Hank closed his eyes figuring the conversation was over. "But you know I could only take it there for one day." Hank's eyes shot up to continue listening to his master.
"I mean how much psychobabble can one person take? I mean if I told her I wasn't wearing any boxers she would have decided that it was an overt attempt to strip off all the confinements of my relationships and start off fresh. It couldn't have just meant that I didn't do laundry." Grissom shook his head and pointed the remote to the stereo and clicked it for the radio to come on. He closed his eyes and waited for the next song to play.
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared.
Grissom looked at the stereo out of the corner of his eye. The remote was lifted and the station was changed.
Forgetting
All the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are.(Linkin Park)
"I'm beginning to hate that song," he said lifting the remote again, choosing a station that had older music.
Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason
To accept that your for real.(Billy Joel)
Hank could hear the clicking of the remote again.
Only you
Can make this change in me
Only you
You are my destiny
When you hold my hand I understand
The magic that you do
You're my dream come true
My one and only you.(The Platters)
Hank jumped as the remote connected with the wall. Grissom looked up when the stereo continued to play. He swore he shut the damn thing off but apparently the throwing against the wall accidentally hit the on button. "Now by special request going out to Donny from Marie, here's Linkin Park with Leave Out All The Rest." Grissom jumped up off the couch. He lunged at the stereo's off button. Confident that the offending song was shut off, Grissom started to walk away only to hear the familiar start of the song. He turned back and looked at the button. He tapped it again and it showed that it was off. But the song kept on playing. Grissom stared in disbelief for a moment and then put one hand on each side of the stereo extricating it from it's position in the wall unit. Hank ran into the kitchen as the offending piece of machinery was thrown in the same direction of the remote control.
"Okay music not so soothing." Grissom looked around the room. Reading provided no relief. His forensic magazines and textbooks made him just want to share his new findings or discuss the particulars of a new technique. Shakespeare just kept leading him back to favorite sonnets he would read out loud as they laid on the couch or in bed together. He eyed the television curiously. "Maybe that will distract me enough to sleep." He called Hank over and he joined Grissom on the couch. He started flicking the channels. He didn't want to watch any news program so he skipped right over CNN, MSNBC and CSPAN. The couple of the networks he switched to seemed to have soap operas on which Grissom grimaced at even the thought of watching one of those. He finally flipped to the guide to see what was on without going through every channel.
"Jeopardy. That'll be good." He fast forwarded to the right channel and watched the commercial for the latest kitchen gadget to hit the market. Grissom was momentarily mesmerized by the gadget that could save time and money in the kitchen. But as soon as the commercial was over, the thrill to have this contraption was gone. He closed his eyes for the next advertisement for Ford Truck but opened one eye to view the next one after Oprah stated her next show was going to be about "men who are emotionally stunted and the women who loved them". Grissom smirked wondering why he wasn't invited to attend that taping.
"And we're back. Jane since you answered the last question correctly would you please select the next category." Grissom opened his eyes. "Now we're getting somewhere," he said readying himself to be tested.
"I'll take Societies for 600 Alex."
"The answer is: For 31 years, Captain Paul Watson has been at the helm of this marine non profit organization. Mark?"
"What is the Sea Shepard Conservation Society."
"That's correct. Pick your next selection."
"I'll take Theoretical Physics for 1000 Alex."
"This has got to be a fucking joke," Grissom said as the TV was shut off and the remote thrown on the coffee table. He then looked at his watch. It was 2 hours to shift. Once a man who would have gone in early, Grissom now was uninspired to do so. He got up and went into the kitchen. Hank dutifully followed him.
"Okay let's have something to eat shall we? I know I haven't shopped in a while but I'm sure we can find something to appease us." Grissom patted Hank's head and the opened the refrigerator. "Wow. I guess it's been awhile since I have gone to the grocery store." He left the door opened and went to get the garbage pail. Sliding it over to the fridge, Grissom started pulling stuff out and tossing it in the garbage. The more he threw in, the angrier he got.
"Salads, sprouts, celery. What does she think I am...a rabbit?" Grissom yelled throwing the last bit out of the refrigerator that Sara had purchased when she had been in Vegas. "You wouldn't catch John Wayne eating a salad. And he was a real man. No one expected him to share his feelings. No one dared to call him emotionally unavailable." Grissom slammed the fridge part and opened the freezer door. He started rummaging through it.
"He didn't eat vegetable lasagna and tofu bacon. He probably didn't know what tofu was." Grissom kept throwing stuff in the trash. "He would have had a steak. Real men eat steak. Not tofu steak but real, honest to goodness cow steak. Yeah that's right Hank, real men eat animals. Cute ones too." Grissom threw everything away. He tied up the garbage bag and set it beside the door to be taken out when he left. He went back and stood in the kitchen looking around. He suddenly brushed by Hank and went over to the closet. He got out his jacket and headed for the door.
"See I can be spontaneous. I'm going out for a steak. Don't worry boy, I'll bring you back the bone so your teeth won't rot and fall out. Real dogs chew bones and..." Grissom opened the door but was stopped by something in the way. He looked up and saw Brass standing there.
"Hey Jim. What are you doing here?" Brass looked at Grissom and then peeked into his apartment.
"Who you talking to Gil?"
"Hank. You know he's only had one steak bone in his life. One. And I had to smuggle that in for him. Well not anymore. Man is carnivorous by nature and by God I'm gonna start acting like it. It's like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it." Brass' eyes widened a little as he listened to his friend seem to ramble on. He had decided to stop by after having a conversation with Catherine concerning Grissom and his odd behavior of late.
"How about I take you out and get that steak?" Brass offered figuring they could talk at dinner.
"That sounds great. See I can accept a dinner invitation. I'm a social being. I can interact with people," Grissom rambled on as they headed for Brass' car. They settled on going to the Outback since it was quick and affordable. They got a table without a wait and placed their order.
"So word has it that you've been spending time with Heather Kessler," Brass wasted no time in starting he conversation.
"I was there on a case we had. That was all."
"So you spending the night with her again was just a rumor?" Grissom looked away.
"I'm a grown man and what I do doesn't affect anyone here in Vegas."
"What about those who are not in Vegas?" Brass asked lifting his drink and taking a sip.
"She's made it clear it doesn't affect her either," Grissom replied softly. Brass was surprised that he had heard from Sara. The last thing Catherine knew was that Grissom did not know where she was. When Brass questioned him on her whereabouts, Grissom relayed the key points of the webcam email that was sent to him. Their dinners came and Grissom dove into the steak making sure to leave some meat on the bone for Hank.
"So Sara told you the relationship was over."
"She said that if a relationship can't go forward then it withers," Grissom replied between bites.
"What's stopping your relationship from going forward then?"
"She couldn't stay and I couldn't leave," Grissom said sadly.
"So there couldn't be a compromise? Long distance relationships are not unheard of. They do work. If you want them to," Brass said putting down his fork. He pushed his plate away from his arm.
"She said it was better this way. And Heather said you mourn a relationship ending as if it were a death, but deep down you are relieved that it ended because they tend to be over before then." Brass looked at Grissom and chuckled. Grissom's eyes shot up in surprise. They didn't often talk about personal issues but he didn't figure Brass to be someone who would callously laugh at him. "I don't see how this could be funny at all."
"It's not funny. It's tragic. But what's more tragic is you listening to Heather talk about your relationship with Sara."
"She's a licensed therapist and a friend." Brass shook his head. His feelings concerning Lady Heather Kessler were well known so he wasn't going to belabor the point any further at that time.
"She may be licensed and she may be your friend, but I don't think she's ever seen the two of you together. I mean really together. To see that there is something there that cannot just simply wither away so easily." Grissom remained silent for a few moments then looked at his watch.
"It's almost time for shift to start. I should get home, give Hank his bone and go in." Jim picked up the check and looked it over. He got his wallet out and threw some money down on the table. Grissom went to put some down also but Brass told him it was taken care of. They walked out to the car and the drive was fairly quick and silent back to Grissom's house. Brass pulled in front and Grissom started to get out. He thanked Brass for the meal and the company.
"Anytime. Oh and hey Gil?" Grissom turned around. "Maybe it's time for you to move forward." With that said Brass rolled up the window and drove away. Grissom stared at the car as it left and then went inside. He gave the bone to a much eager Hank and went to change for work. As he was brushing his teeth, Brass' words went through his mind. He looked in the mirror as he brushed his hair. Sadness was slowly being replaced by anger. He threw down his brush and headed out of the bathroom.
"He wants me to follow her. Do you believe that?" he said to the dog who was too busy chewing to pay any attention. Grissom went to get his coat off the back of the chair. "I mean who the hell just leaves their life and goes off to be with someone? Only in the movies does that happen. Not in real life." Just as he put his other arm in the sleeve of the jacket, he caught sight of the picture on the refrigerator. The one of him and Sara in San Fransisco. The memory of throwing dummies off a roof. A fallen CSI. Warrick's investigation. Asking Sara to stay. These all came flooding back into mind.
"But that was a lifetime ago. And she's always been stronger than me." He let out a heavy sigh and turned to head out the door. He drove into work and when he picked up his messages he was happy to find them to be on the light side. So were the cases for the evening. He sent everyone out on and went into his office to do his required paperwork for the evening. No new calls had come in so he was able to make a sizable dent into the pile. Time seemed to fly by and the next thing he knew Catherine was standing at his office door telling him she was going to head out.
"I have a few things to do at home but I was thinking of stopping by later," she said hesitantly. Grissom looked up and gave her a what for look. "It's just we haven't really got to spend any time together lately and I was hoping we could you know talk." Grissom took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose. Everything inside him said to tell her no, but when he looked up at her he saw such emotion in her eyes.
"I'll stop at the grocery store on my way home. I have nothing to eat in the house." She smiled and then waved before she exited his office. He leaned back in his chair for a moment and then returned to his paperwork. About an hour later, he decided to call it quits and head out to the grocery store. He walked the aisles in search of something to make them while they talked. Nothing was jumping out at him so he settled for some eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, cheese and bagels. He got to his place just as Catherine was pulling up. He greeted her as she got out of her car and they headed up the walk together.
"I'm really glad you agreed to this Gil," she said talking off her coat. Grissom was heading towards the kitchen to put down the bag of groceries. "We haven't done this in a long time." He looked at her and gave her a quick smile. He then handed her the tomatoes and a knife and she busied herself cutting them up. They prepared their omelets and brought everything to the table. They sat down and Catherine watched Grissom. She figured it was now or never to get him to talk to her.
"So I hear you've heard from Sara," she began. Grissom nodded not looking up at her. "How is she?"
"She's fine."
"That's it she's fine? That's all you're gonna tell me?" It came out a little stronger than Catherine had wanted it to.
"What do you want me to say?" He still would not look her in the eyes.
"I want to talk like we used to. Share things. We used to. We used to-"
"Are you happy Catherine?" He asked cutting her off. She put down her fork and looked at him.
"I don't know. So much has happened in the last two years. Sam. Warrick. I swore a long time ago that I would never look back. Never second guess life. Keep looking forward at all times. It's just not always that easy to do." She thought for a moment. "How about you. Are you happy?"
"She's happy." Grissom looked away. Catherine watched him. His face showing more and more the anguish he was suffering. It was more than just losing Warrick. It was more than just disillusionment about the job. For the first time Catherine was beginning to see the depth of his feelings for Sara. How utterly lost he seemed to be without her. She took a moment before she spoke her thoughts.
"I don't believe she is truly happy without you. Just like you're not happy without her."
"No she is. She said it. On that webmail I got." He pointed over to his office area. "She said the last year in Vegas she could hardly breathe."
"A lot had happened to her the last year she was here." Grissom looked up at her. "We almost lost her. I can't imagine how she felt out there. I knew she was a survivor. But at what price?" Catherine fell silent.
"I tried to protect her. I tried to be there for her. I told her I would move to swing so she didn't have to be away from you guys. She didn't want to do that to the team."
"That's Sara. She always cared more about others than she did herself." Catherine noted the time and the fact that Lyndsey would be home soon. She got up and put her jacket on. She heard Grissom mumble something. She asked him to repeat it.
"Sometimes I don't think she cared enough." Catherine picked up her purse loudly. She started to leave and then stopped. She turned back around to him.
"I've known you a lot of years Gil. We've seen a lot and been through a lot. I told you a few years ago to get your head out from under the microscope. I think it took you awhile but you did. I don't doubt for one minute that Sara loves you. But she's broken Gil. Because of her past. Because of the job. And maybe now just a little bit because of you. Only this time a plant just isn't going to fix her." Catherine turned and headed towards the door. She stopped and looked back for a moment and then was gone.
Grissom heard the door close but remained seated. Their conversation played again and again in his mind. Hank came over to him and rested his head on Grissom's leg. "You know it's like she doesn't think I ever did anything for Sara," he said and then patted Hank's head. He got up then and started clearing the table.
"I've given her more than just a plant. I sent her that cocoon. Okay, okay it didn't hatch but it's the thought that counts. And I wrote her that letter. Yes I know I didn't send it but I left it out so she could see it." He put the dishes in the sink and then turned back around to face Hank. "And it's not just materials things either I'm talking about. Who the heck does she think took care of Sara when her arm was fractured? I did. I helped her get dressed. I helped her shower. I was there." Grissom went into his office still mumbling about all that he did for her. He sat down in the chair heavily. The miniature of his lab office caught his eye. The memory of the helicopter ride came to mind. An awkward proposal. Breaking down at a crime scene. A public kiss.
"I worried so long ago about going deaf. When did I become so blind?" Grissom picked up the miniature and flung it across the room. He got up and went into the bedroom. He laid down fully dressed and petted Hank in an effort to lull himself into sleep.
He must have dozed off because he found himself walking through a cemetery. It was cloudy and foggy but he knew where he was going. He stopped when he reached the familiar stone. Sara had done a nice job in picking it out. It was simple with a cross in the middle with rays shooting out from the center. His name and dates of existence. And the words Beloved Friend. Grissom stood in front of the tombstone and folded his hands in front of him.
"We all miss you. Catherine, well I see sometimes that she's been crying but she doesn't let on. Nick's been taking a lot of chances lately like he doesn't care anymore. Greg's been in to see the departmental psychologist a few times. I think she's helping him. Brass and I don't talk about it. I guess that's how we deal."
"You didn't mention Sara," a voice behind him said. Grissom turned to see Warrick standing there. He blinked a couple of times trying to focus more clearly on the figure before him. He looked just like he did that night at the diner. Before they all left.
"Warrick, I...um...I can't believe you're standing there. I'm so sorry. I...we...all miss you."
"Even Sara?" Grissom looked at him oddly.
"She came back for your...um...for you." Warrick stepped forward and put his hand on Grissom's shoulder.
"She came back for you. She wasn't ready to but she did it for you." Grissom looked in Warrick's eyes. "I told her once that she was a tough cookie and that I wasn't worried about her making it through. I may have been the rock of your team but Sara is your strength. It's not better this way. No matter what she said." Warrick gave his shoulder a squeeze and then turned and walked away. Grissom tried to call after him but he didn't turn around.
He woke up with a start and Hank sat up. He looked around and ran a hand through his hair and down to his beard. "That was so vivid. I really felt him." Grissom looked down at Hank and smiled.
"I'll never forget him. The rock of my team. My strength..." Grissom got off the bed quickly and turned around. "He said it wasn't better this way. Well I didn't need a ghost to come and tell me that in some God awful dream. But I didn't make that decision." Grissom started to unbutton his shirt. He suddenly felt the need for a shower to wash away that dream he had. He took the rest of his clothes off and went into the bathroom. He got under the water and willed it to take away his thoughts. Twenty minutes later he came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist using another smaller one to dry his hair.
"I had a duty and a responsibility to the Lab and to the team. I couldn't just walk away like she did." Grissom finished drying himself off and got dressed for work. He was sitting on the bed putting on his socks and shoes when flashes of memories shot through his mind. A ponytailed CSI who engaged his mind so she could capture his heart. A confident soul who knew what to do about 'this'. A woman who unequivocally trusted in him.
"I never knew how weak I was until I saw her strength," he said and then sighed. He put his hands on his knees. He was trying to get up enough strength to stand when the phone rang. Part of him told himself to ignore it, but the other part warned he had been doing that way to often lately. He picked it up and saw the call was from Nick. Grissom said a quiet "alright" and put the phone back down on the nightstand. He got up and went into the living room with Hank trailing behind. The knock on the door was quicker than anticipated. He took in a deep breath and opened the door.
"I brought coffee," Nick said holding up the cups. Grissom gave a small grin and motioned inside. He followed Grissom and sat on the couch while Grissom occupied the chair across from him.
"Thanks for the coffee," he said taking off the lid and sipping it slowly. "Now I don't mean to sound rude but why are you here?"
"We don't talk much Grissom. Yeah we talk about work but we don't talk about other things. Not after my abduction. Or after Sara left. Warrick." Nick seemed to trail off, his thoughts no longer able to be vocalized. Grissom set down his coffee and rubbed his hands together.
"I never knew what to say to you. You always had a handle on your emotions. I knew that if I talked with you, you would force me to feel."
"Bet you're scared shitless now huh?" Grissom nodded slightly. "You know I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days. Reliving old times. When we were all together. A family."
"Warrick and you were always like brothers. You were always challenging each other. I think it made you better men for it."
"Like Sara challenged you?" Grissom's eyes shot up but he didn't say anything. Nick let his words settle for a moment before he continued. "Look I mourn Warrick every day. So many things remind me of him I know it's going to take time to heal."
"They say time heals all wounds."
"Does it? Is time doing it for you Griss? I know you loved Warrick and miss him like we all do. And you know we all miss Sara. Not as much as you do but we still feel it."
"Sometimes there are things beyond our control. All we can do is ride them out," Grissom said reflectively.
"Warrick's death is beyond our control. Sara, well Sara's still alive. And as long as she is there's still hope. You really need to stop mourning her like she's dead."
"I see her everywhere Nick. Here, work, around town. I can't shake her." Nick nodded his head feeling truly sorry for the man sitting in front of him.
"Look we can go back and forth for hours reliving past times in a twisted effort to make ourselves feel better," Nick said standing up. He walked a few steps and spoke his final thoughts. "But it all comes down to this. Do you want to live for the moment? Or die with the memories?" And with that, Nick walked to the door and left.
Grissom stared at the carpet for what seemed like eternity. His mind a void except for the one thought that kept repeating itself in his mind. She showed you a wonderful life and then she took it all away. He picked up his coffee cup and took it to the kitchen intending to pour it down the sink. Instead he threw it in there and turned around.
"I never realized that my own words would come back to haunt me from that case. Why? Why did I even bother in the first place? If I had known it was going to turn out like this I would have never succumbed to my feelings." He looked over to Hank who was sitting by the door. Grissom grabbed the leash and put it on Hank and they went outside. Grissom hoped the fresh air would clear his mind, but as he stepped back into the house later, he realized that it didn't. He gathered up his things to go into work. Looking back over his place, he surmised that sooner or later the memories would choke him there and that moving would be his only option. Tender moments were vivid all through the place. A soft kiss hello. Watching monster movies in bed. Her shaving him.
"I don't want my life to be just random moments," he said and then left for work. When he got into work there was an all hands on deck murder investigation about 5 miles off the Strip. He hadn't intended to work a double but circumstances forced him into it.
It seemed like everyone arrived back at the Lab at the same time to log in the evidence that was collected. Once Grissom dropped off the fingerprint cards collected to Mandy, he proceeded to Trace to give Hodges some clothing that appeared to have blood on it. As he was walking out into the hallway, Greg stopped him.
"Hey Grissom can I talk to you?"
"WHAT!" Grissom yelled, his arms moving in emphasis. "What do you want? Are you also going to inundate me with words of wisdom about Sara? Tell me what a fool I'm being? Maybe every one else would like to form a line. Riley, Hodges you want to get in on this too?" Hodges quickly turned his head and Riley was about to say something when Catherine came up behind Grissom.
"Gil it's been a rough day. Why don't you go home?" she said in a soothing tone. Grissom didn't move even as she gently put her hand on his arm. He finally looked around realizing he had just lost it in front of the Lab. He looked back and Catherine and then turned his attention to Greg. He offered a silent apology with his eyes.
"It's okay Grissom. I just wanted to tell you that you left the lights on in your Denali." Grissom put his head down.
"Thanks Greg," he said quietly and then started to walk away.
"But if you want my opinion," Greg said as Grissom was walking by him. "She's not happy. She might have said she was but she's not." Grissom stopped a few feet away from Greg.
"I want her to be," he said sadly.
"She's only truly happy when she's with you," Greg offered.
"But not here. Not in Vegas."
"What's so special about Vegas seriously? If your heart's not here is there really anything keeping you here?" Greg asked sincerely. Grissom looked at him and then to Catherine. He said nothing further but just walked dejectedly away. He walked outside walking right past his Denali and got into his own car. He drove home in silence with only the words that everyone had spoke to him for company.
He picked Hank up from the sitters thanking her again for coming over and picking him up. He walked into the house and set everything down on the table by the door. His first thought was to lay down on the couch and try to fend off his demons. But something else was calling to him. He walked over to the desk and sat down. He turned on the computer and waited for it to run its startup procedures. Once done he held the mouse pointer over the email section for a bit. After debating with himself, he clicked on it and was immediately mesmerized by her beauty all over again. He watched her carefully this time noting her facial expression and her eyes. When it was done he played it again and just listened to the sound of her voice, the inflections she made with each word.
Hank came into the room and his ears picked up when he heard Sara's voice. He started to whine a bit and Grissom looked over at him. "I know boy, I miss her too. But she's very far away and all I have is her email address." Grissom sat back in his chair. Hank came over and Grissom started to pet him behind the ears. He then sat up in the chair. He looked around for a moment and then got up and headed towards the bedroom. Hank dutifully followed and watched as Grissom rummaged through the closet. Pulling out a box, Grissom went back into his office.
"I thought it was kinda silly that she bought this for me," he told Hank as he started to open the box and remove its contents. "I remember telling her I had no use for it. I think she was a little disappointed that I didn't want to join her into the 21st Century." He had everything connected and then he looked down at Hank. "Well here goes nothing." He turned the camera on.
"Hi..um....Sara. I dug out the webcam you got me. I know I should have replied to you sooner but I couldn't. I was too hurt." Grissom looked away for a moment unsure of how much he wanted to divulge to her. Then it hit him that it might be the only chance he'd have left to talk to her. To tell her how he truly felt. He looked back at the camera and took a deep breath.
"I've been hurt Sara. Hurt since the day you wrote me that letter. I know I told you that I understood and I really did. But somewhere inside a part of me was dying. I loved you longer than I even realized. And I fought so damn hard not to. So afraid of losing you. But I guess that has what I let happen."
"I blamed everything and everyone but me. Our jobs. Your past. Natalie. Even you. I rationalized it all out. Gave you just enough information that day in my office to let you know...to make you...leave me. And you did and I hated you for it. At least that is what I told myself. But in the end, it was myself that I hated."
I spent my entire life building a career, a life's work that I thought was enough. That it would sustain me. But it's not. Not when I can't look into your eyes and know that there's a home waiting for me. It's not better this way Sara. I don't think you truly believe that. You just....can't." Grissom turned away again and sighed heavily. He turned back into the camera.
"I'm not sure where you are but I know I have to find you. You said yes to me once before and I didn't follow through like I should have. But this time I'm going to. I just hope I'm not too late honey. I can't be. I love you." Grissom stared into the camera for a moment and then shut it off. He hesitated a bit unsure whether to send it or not. Then knowing he couldn't leave the words hanging my midair, he pressed the send button. He realized at that moment he had never been so scared yet so sure of what he had done.
Three weeks later.......
"So you know where you're going?" Catherine asked standing in his office doorway. Grissom shook his head no. "She hasn't called or written?"
"No," he replied stopping the gathering of his papers. Most of his office had been packed up. There were just some personal papers and pictures left to put in the remaining box. "But I have to do this Catherine."
"I know you do," she said with a smile. "I'm behind you on this. Just remember to drop me a line every once in awhile."
"I won't forget you Cath," he said walking over to her. "You've been a great friend to me and I thank you for everything." He hugged her and noticed Greg, Nick and Brass walking towards his office. He released Catherine and she turned when she heard footsteps behind her.
"I know you didn't want any cake in the break room but we needed to say goodbye," Brass said extending out his hand. Grissom took it readily and pulled Brass towards him and hugged him. Brass cleared his throat at the sudden display and both men pulled away quickly. Brass stepped away and let Nick and Greg hug Grissom also. They stood there for a moment. Grissom then broke the silence by clapping his hands together. He went over to his desk and retrieved the final box. He came back to this door and gave one last look at his office. He then went out into the hallway and noticed how many people seemed to have come out of their labs and were waiting to either shake his hand or to hug him goodbye.
He managed to make it to the reception desk without too much embarrassment. He set his box down to hand the keys to his office and his ID to Judy. He stared for a moment at his ID, caressing it almost before relinquishing it over. He was about to pick up the box when he felt a hand placing itself gently on his shoulder.
"I don't even have to look around," he said closing his eyes. He turned around slowly and looked into the eyes of the woman who held his heart, his future. He stared into her eyes and felt his own start to tear up.
"Welcome home," Sara said wiping a stray tear. Grissom stared at her for a moment, making sure she was really there. Then with a dozen or so people watching, he took the final step in fulfilling the only destiny that ever made sense to him. He took Sara in his arms and kissed her.
THE END