I lie awake wondering when my tears will stop. I never did like crying or how it made one feel. Lately mine has been more than a sunken heart. Lately it's been a void in my chest yet there is weight to the feeling as if it could crush me. It's almost laughable, I'm the toughest fighter yet I'm being defeated by a feeling so easily or lack thereof. The tears will stop soon and then I will wish that I could cry instead. Numbness is usually preferable but not like this. Not when there is this foreboding feeling that lies beneath the façade of numb.
Numb
Numb
Numb
Is this why I pick fights?
To feel something other than nothing? I'd rather get a punch to the gut than feel as if my heart is being ripped from my chest. My phone lights up and I glance that way. Nothing but some messages from my sisters telling me how they are doing, half way across the world. It was my choice to leave, I enjoy my own space and separation from my sisters. It gives me a chance to stand out and yet here I am going through an episode. Locked safely away in my room while my apartment rots from months of neglect. I'm not sure what triggered me this time but it's awful
But do you know what's worse?
Having no reason to feel this way.
To feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. There isn't too much crime fighting anymore so what pressure is on me?
None, just myself constantly looking over my shoulder to see who's hiding in the shadows. We've defeated our biggest threats when we were younger yet I feel as if something is…..missing.
Something will always be missing when I feel this way. Regardless of if he lived or not, this demon will always haunt me no matter how I feel. No matter how content, free or happy I am. A shadow will forever stand in the corner, watching my every move until one day I finally crack and I do what it's been whispering for me to do.
To
End
It.
To enjoy the sweet embrace of nothingness.
Yet it knows if I succumb to its request it will have nothing to feed off of. So every now and again it relinquishes control over my life. Let's me live how I want only to crush me once more. Every peak brings a valley and for my demon, a feast.
I hear a knock on my apartment door. If I ignore it long enough it will go away. But the knocking persists. It causes me to stir enough to rise. I remove the blankets from my body and my stench causes my nose to crinkle. I have to act semi-okay to answer this door. I pull my matted hair into a swift bun and spray myself with perfume before I find myself standing in the foyer. The knocking has stopped and for a moment I think the person of interest has left. Almost as if it senses that I am closer than before the knocks come heavier, harder. Practically breaking the door in.
I open without checking the peep hole and I am met with something out of the ordinary.
A tall dark shadow stands in the door way, hand raised as if to bang again.
With
Glowing
Burning
Green
Eyes.
Eyes I haven't seen since we exterminated those pests.
I slam the door shut.
This is nothing but another demon to haunt me.