Greetings, all and welcome to the as yet untitled sequel to Everybody's After Cloud's Ass, or Everybody's after Cloud's Goods as it appears officially because of the whole G rated title thing. Much in the vein of its predecessor, this is a good natured spoof of a great number of FFVII yaoi fics. If anything looks familiar, no I'm not making fun of anybody in particular and no, this is not meant to be offensive to any authors or readers. Keep in mind that if I thought these fics sucked so badly, I wouldn't have bothered reading them in the first place. That settled and the mandatory "I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Advent Children, Harry Potter, Full Metal Alchemist or the name of my OC" made, we can now commence with the literary recreation of the apocalypse.
Everybody's Still After Cloud's Goods
Chapter 1: The Morning After/ Oh God No, the MPreg
T'was a most delightful morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and Cloud Strife was just waking up in the arms of his former idol turned mortal enemy turned fucky buddy or boyfriend type…thing. He wasn't exactly sure about that. The previous night was one big, erotic blur in his already fragmented memory. He had just walked in the door to find that there was a huge gay orgy in his living room and then the songfic started in his bedroom. And who should he find waiting for him but his adolescent crush?
No, not Tifa. His other, not completely canon adolescent crush.
Up until this point, Cloud didn't know that it was possible for one man to have so many consecutive erections and have so much hot, mind blowing sex in one night. He would have to ask Sephiroth about that when he woke up. That and the orgy in the living room and the missing bottle of cherry lube.
The silver haired man had heard him stirring and looked down on his chocobo- headed lover.
"Hi."
Cloud twitched a little, not expecting to see him awake. Sephiroth cracked a mischievous grin.
"Sephy pooh bear? Can I ask you a question?", Cloud asked, his eyes widening into a mock sad puppy face.
"Anything as long as you promise never to call me that again."
"What in the Ancients' name happened last night?"
Sephiroth sighed, silver bangs waving as he shook his head.
"Hell if I know. Jenova pulled me out of the Lifestream yesterday, then I showed up in Tseng's apartment. I think the bullet's still in my head somewhere. And then we came here to find what was quickly descending into an obligatory songfic in the living room. And then you showed up."
"How did you make that music come out of nowhere?"
"No clue. I told Jenova to leave me alone when I'm fucking my boyfriend, but I guess she didn't listen."
"Aside from your Mom watching, it was pretty cool though."
"I didn't appreciate being called a queen."
His smile widened, showing perfectly pointed teeth.
"Luckily you were too much of a distraction for me to care enough to run her through with Masamune."
Cloud laughed, hugging Sephiroth again.
"Honey pumpkin? Can I ask you something else?"
"Please just call me by my name…"
"What would you say if I told you I was pregnant?"
Cold mako green eyes stared into Cloud's sky blue ones, considering a response carefully.
"I'd say that you are in serious need of a biology lesson and possibly trying to trap me into some sort of impromptu shotgun wedding. In any case, it would seriously be a bad idea for anything else with either your stupid gene or my Jenova cells to be running around, nevermind in the same body."
"Alright. Just checking."
"Good."
A chocobo warked outside before spontaneously combusting.
"Sephy-chan? I'm pregnant."
"Cloud, haven't we just been through this?"
"But I like pretty dresses and nail polish and I was bleeding out of my ass a few days ago and I think that was my period."
Sephiroth sighed, slapping himself in the head and cursing his choice of boyfriends.
"Bleeding out of your ass isn't the same thing as a period. You need a vagina, ovaries and uterus for that."
"But I have those."
"Come again?"
"Uh……I don't think I can right now."
"Not what I meant."
"Oh, THAT come again. Yeah, I have those. You hit them instead of my ass, but it felt so good that I didn't want to tell you."
Sephiroth dived under the covers and inspected in between Cloud's legs.
"Oh I don't fucking believe this! Those were NOT there last night!"
"YOU TRICKED ME!!", he screamed, springing up from the covers and closing his hands around Cloud's throat.
"Ack!...not…..my…..fault your….aim…sucks!"
"Yes, but withholding something like that is certainly warranting of your death."
"Not so fast! You wouldn't want to be convicted of fetal homicide, now would you?"
"What the? Okay. Even if by some miracle you did manage to get knocked up in the timespan of 10 hours, it's still just a tiny little collection of cells. Hell, it's probably not even implanted yet."
"I'll call the Republicans on you."
A trace of something that looked like either fear or constipation crossed Sephiroth's face as he turned white as a ghost, eyes widening in disbelief.
"You wouldn't."
"Every sperm is sacred."
"Even the ones that you swallowed?"
"It was only foreplay so I could fuck you after. They died for a good cause."
He heard a feminine scream come from the living room and rushed to investigate.
"Yeah, distraction!"