so basically pitch is mad and he's like "wow okay time for plan 1,000,000,001"
and he inhabits a baby and he's "okay foolproof plan nothing can go wrong"
guess what IT'S A GIRL CONGRATS welcome to shadow hell, Phoebe
alright so phoebe is like "well shit okay I can make this work"
except cONFLICTED FEELINGS WHAT IS THIS?
it's a cHILDHOOD HOLY CRAP WARM FUZZY FEELINGS OF FAMILY WARMTH
cue sobbing in dark corners
time-skip to middle school and phoebe and her family have moved to burgess
can it get any better? YES JUST TRY YOUR LUCK, PHOEBE
becomes friends with sophie while quietly loathing her existence like wow kid
babysat by jamie while darkly glaring at him and sophie when they look away
what an angelic child, smashing priceless porcelain dolls at grandma's, too
okay so finally she meets jack who's like "wow ur a cute kid" and she's like "fuck off"
except in less vile language and more of just a silent glare
jack is not deterred, he will win her over if it's the last snowball he freezes
then wow, look at that, puberty does things! imagINE THAT, PHOEBE.
phoebe's got boobs and jack wants them
jack is like "okay this is wrONG wait no I'm a teenage boy this is just fine"
but phoebe is like "fuCK SHIT FUCK I AM A GROWN MAN THIS IS NOT OKAY"
it's never gonna be okay just suck it up phoebe
so jack is now focused on ~wooing~ phoebe and sophie thinks it's hilarious
jamie is just grateful it's not sophie in phoebe's place
trust me kid, you don't want your sister inhabited by pitch
so now jack has eterna-boner and he's not sure what to do
and phoebe's confused because jack is NOT charming thank you very much
and bunnymund is like "okay jack this is enough you can't date a mortal"
jack is rebellious teenager "WATCH ME" and north is like "bye have fun"
tooth is sad b/c hey she likes jack cOME BACK JACK
sandy is suspicious because he knows something's up with phoebe
hint: it's not jack's boner
so pitch has his horror of "oh my god this is what seraphina went through"
conveniently followed by "okay but how is jack hot when he's so cold"
ultimately becoming "okay maybe it's time to cancel this plan"
you're sixteen years too late, pitch. six. fucking. teen. years.
so jack gets this bright idea when phoebe is particularly "down" (see: mad)
and now they're at the north pole and north is like "HAVE LOTS OF BABIES, YES?"
and bunnymund is just "no. north, focUS HERE."
north is like "okay but I have cookies, elves, and need more children to give presents."
bunnymund is not impressed.
at this point phoebe is like "okay yeah bye fairy girl you can haVE HIM BYE"
and jack is like "hold up tho u haven't met sandy"
sandy is gone. don't try it. he is not here to meet her.
phoebe just wants to gO HOME AND GET BACK HIS BODY
but jack is still hanging around and wow guess what
anger kiss
mwah that's called the start of a hatefuck relationship
congrats kids ur gonna go far
okay but they're minors so there's no sex
except jack's an adult I guess so he'll just have to wait
good luck adjusting to two dicks, jack
moVING FORWARD WITH THE PLAN, PHOEBE IS FINALLY ALONE
obviously he sneaks out and heads to the location of his untimely demise
aka that god forsaken pond
aka jack's pond
welcome home, honey
but wow what's this it's thin ice? OH NO WHAT'LL HAPPEN?
bye phoebe ur going under
and jack is miserable like nO I WAS IN RUSSIA WHY DID YOU VISIT WHEN I WAS GONE
and pitch is like "okay yeah have fun mourning a shell bye"
but while he's lamenting being a teenage girl he finds he has a boner
like what? where did that come from?
lo and behold, he's thinking about JACK FROST.
imagine that. u got it hard for jack.
so he's like "okay i can make this go away." (no u can't)
and jack tracks down pitch because he's like "YOU TOTALLY KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND"
jack u weren't dating it was unofficial just hate kisses
and then pitch is like "goddamnit jack can't u see i have a pROBLEM HERE"
jack wants nothing to do with your problem, pitch
pitch doesn't care, he tells jack he's gonna call it even if jack lEAVES HIM TO BE MISERABLE
naturally, jack is confused. call what even? what?
pitch outlines the fact he was phoebe all along
jack gets mad but gUESS WHAT
s
and then jack flIES BACK LIKE WOAH WHAT I DIDN'T DO THAT
AND PITCH IS LIKE DAMN STRAIGHT THAT NEVER HAPPENED
so jack is like "okay calling it even now bYE"
jack never tells anyone phoebe was pitch b/c he's still struggling with BONERLAND
so jack's got an icicle problem and pitch can't sheathe his sword
and sandy is still super suspicious and north is sad because no babies
bunnymund is like "i bet pitch is behind this"
jack gets suPER ODD LIKE "HAHAHAHHAHAH NOOOOO THAT'S SO WEIRRRD"
bunny is like "okay mate yeah sure u say that now"
north is like "WE GO DESTROY PITCH, YES?"
sandy is like no that's dumb don't go
but no one is paying attention except jack who sandy is like "i'm onto u"
sandy thinks jack is working with pitch
nooooot quite sandy
think more along the lines of "stay out of their dreams"
so bunny, north and tooth storm pitch's lair
and he's still dramatically lamenting his hateboner for jack
and he's like "okay I JUST kicked jack out can u please leave this is a bad time"
and they're like "yOU KILLED A KID"
and he's just "u mean me"
cue guardian confusion
nightmares are like "okay ur gonna go now"
lotsa black sand in places it doesn't belong
have fun getting that out of your feathers
so sandy and jack are having a staredown
and jack cracks and just blurts that he wants to fuck pitch
sandy's just "TMI THANKS BYE"
jack's like "SORRY OKAY THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME"
sandy doesn't want your boner puns, jack
jack didn't mean to make one but okay sorry sandy
suddenly north and the others are back
and sandy is like "okay now what did you kids learn today"
tooth is just "there is sand in places it doesn't belong"
sandy says that's close enough now go home and think about what u done
jack can't go home tho because pitch is nearby
too awkward he's not ready for that
plus phoebe's funeral and he can't tell jamie and sophie their friend was the boogeyman
so he's like "okay so there's a rock and a hard place-"
sandy says jack what did i tell you about those puns
jack says he still didn't mean to make them but sorry again
north asks what's going on here and does jack need the talk?
jack shouts NO and absconds like any wise teenager would when faced with that
what's worse than your parents giving you the talk? santa claus giving you the talk.
so jack realizes him and pitch need to talk this out
at least he thinks they can talk it out? maybe he'll ask jamie for ducttape
and pitch is like "jack it's been a month i'm not talking to you"
jack's a smartass and tries to make a joke by saying "don't you love me?"
wow real smooth there old man winter
so now it's even worSE LIKE WOW OKAY BRING CUPID INTO THIS MESS
fyi cupid thinks this is fucking hilarious
so jack is like "why did u do that"
pitch is just "REVENGE?"
jack is like "okay but my heART"
"that looks like your dick to me but whatever you wanna call it" b/c pitch is onto him
but not physically. not yet.
jack is inCREDIBLY FLUSTERED AND STARTS BABBLING AND TRYING TO COVER
and pitch is like "okay you're a teenager with hormones i get it now shut up"
and what does jack say? "MAKE ME" wow let's imagine what could go wrong here
everything
so pitch is like "FINE I CAN DO THAT" and wow that's a kiss for the record books
and jack is like "holy shit i think i'm melting"
it's okay jack you're eternally frozen u'll be okay
so wow hot makeout session and this time jack DOESN'T abscond
and pitch is like "okay that's actually not so bad"
jack is like "but am i an adult because this is really bad if i'm not"
pitch is like "you are it's been 300 years i think that's long enough"
jack is like "oh okay then but you're still really freaky"
pitch is just "thanks u don't know half of it"
did you know winter spirits can blush? they can. it happened.
so then northern lights and jack is like "shIT THAT'S THE GUARDIANS"
and pitch is like "okay but you don't /have/ to go"
jack is like "but who's gonna mess with the kangaroo?"
pitch points out they could stick him in a cage
jack says that's going too far
pitch says he meant jack but if he really doesnt want to-
jack is like o h
jack thinks it's a bad idea he needs to be taken to dinner first
pitch is like okay whether or not you meant to think out loud you don't eat?
jack says he eats snow
pitch is like okay but we're both pretty much DEAD?
jack says that's necrophilia and north says that's wrong
pitch says that's only if one of them is still alive
jack is like "oh i was severely misinformed"
pitch is like "yeah so come on don't go play with the kids"
jack is like what about when you were a kid
pitch is like we don't talk about that dark time
jack thinks that's hilarious because pitch is the nightmare king
pitch thinks it's NOT and should NOT be talked about
jack zips his lips but we all know he's not dropping it
so jack doesn't show up to the meeting? super important?
and toothiana is like "oH NO JACK IS GONNNNE"
and bunnymund is like "good riddance"
north is like "okay but he is one of us we must RESCUE HIM"
sandy is trying to tell them he's probably off fucking pitch
nobody is listening and sandy is like "okay but i LIKE my eyesight"
so they're plannign to rescue jack? and baby tooth is like? okay but nightmares?
the toothfairies remember that well
they did not like being eaten
so they're like "ma we're not going b y e"
and babytooth goes to hide at jamie's place b/c wow no
and so in the meantime while toothiana is being omnipotent and shit
jack is probably losing clothing
f a s t
did you know nightmare sand can become hands and stuff? y e a h
so pitch is obviously taking GREAT pleasure in this
and so is jack it's not a one way street yknow
but before they can actually do the do there's a bIG EXPLOSION
jack just shouts "WOW THANKS BUNNY"
and bunnymund is confused like? how'd you know it was me?
wow bunny, who else uses explosions? nO ONNNNNE
so tooth is like "wow holy shit jack in boxers"
she's gone g ye
bunny is like "okay sheila you nap on the ground then"
north is like "pitCH YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR"
pitch is like actually not yet he still has underwear on
jack regrets not going commando it would've gone faster
pitch thinks he can remedy that
north thinks pitch is doing mind control
hint: pitch can't. he's right in front of you.
so bunny is like "okay this is messed up. and tooth's nose is bleeding"
and jack is like "well yeah i didn't know you were voyeurs?"
pitch is like "tsktsk to think you guard children"
north is like "I CANNOT BELIEVE"
so sandy followed against his own better judgement and is just like "okay tooth nap time"
and tooth is unconscious now hOORAY ONE LESS VOYEUR?
she's gonna have "nightmares" for weeks
so north is like "saNDY HELP US SAVE JACK"
sandy is like nah that boy made his choice
jack is like thanks sandy ur a true friend
sandy is like yeah yeah keep it out of your dreams
pitch is like that's an easy fix
bunny is like "OKAY BUT THIS IS SO MESSED UP"
jack is like "yeah we covered that why are you still here"
north is like RESCUE?
jack is like "okay but this bondage shit is actually kinda hot?"
bunny's like okAY THAT'S ENOUGH WE'RE GOING HOME
jack is like nOPE STAYING HERE FUCKING THE NIGHTMARE KING
pitch is like hell yeah B]
north is still confused because reSCUE?
bunny is like okay sandy take north with you
sandy is gone tho he fled with tooth ur on ur own
north is offended he can RESCUE JACK HIMSELF
bunny is like okay i think we have to leaVE FIRST
north is like nO JACK HAS TO BE RESCUED
bunny is p sure this is not a rescue mission for jack now
he needs to rescue his SANITY
which obvs north has already lost
congrats pitch u broke santa claus
pitch is like thank i didn't even try
so bunny takes north and they leave like wow FINALLY
pitch is like "okay but that totally was a mood killer"
jack reminds him that dinner is TOTALLY an option
pitch thinks a cage is a better option
jack is like okay but why?
pitch is like "dinner and a show for me?"
jack is like yOU DON"T EAT?
pitch is like "fear tho"
jack is like "fuCK"
pitch is like "not yet"
and so toothiana wakes up and she's like "tHAT WAS HORRIBLE"
and sandy is like "it was a bad dream u okay?"
and tooth is like "oH THANK GOD"
then bunny has north and north is unconscious courtesy of sandy
and bunny is still just like "okay but why"
and also debating beating up cupid like wHYYYYYY?
and so north is all tucked in snug to make sure he can't run
gotta strap down your old folks
never know where they'll wander off to
so bunny goes to see sandy who's like "shhhhhhhh"
and tooth is kinda hysterical
she's losing those GORGEOUS TEETH to PITCH BLACK
aka tooth decay ahahahhahahaha wow so funny
and bunny's like "okay but MIND CONTROL also jack sucks"
toothiana's like EXCUSE?
bunny says nothing it was the elves
elves are like "oh god no"
so in the mean time jack is like "okay even I'm getting cold now"
pitch is like you still have your briefs calm down
jack just wants a cushion to sit on at least
pitch says no it'll freeze anyway ur an ice spirit
jack is like touché bastard
pitch is like do i need to shut you up again?
jack says "no but yeS"
pitch is like wow this hormone thing is great
except he doeSN'T KNOW WHY HE;S STILL GOT A BONER
LIKE IT SHOULD BE GONE NOW HE HATE-MADE-OUT WITH JACK
jack is like "haha fuck you welcome to the world of homosexuality"
pitch is like NO ABSOLUTELY NOT
jack is like i could top you any day and you know it
pitch is like okay time for you to shut up again
jack is like you have to get me out and make me
guess what they totally fucked in the cage
better than wwe smackdown any day
bonus time with cupid
he had nothing to do with this
but he totally had something to do with getting bunnymund with tooth
aka bunny is like "okay but she's like my SISTER"
and tooth being like "but you have great teeth hand them over"
except he kIND OF NEEDS THOSE?
so he redirects her to cupid and he's like "shit"
and tooth is like "I REMEMBER YOUR BABY TEETH you little bastard you never brushed"