She wished that she had trusted him that day. Then maybe she wouldn't be here, alone in her apartment nostalgically looking back on the past, and wondering where she went wrong. She'd had it all. A job that kept her on her toes, friends that supported her, a man that she loved. Why did she throw it all away? Maybe it was because she needed a change from dreary San Francisco life. Maybe she missed her family terribly.
Or maybe it was because she thought the man she loved didn't love her back.
She could still remember the shocked look that was plastered on his face. She couldn't bear to look at him, to feel the stinging burn of his grief being portrayed in his expression. "Natara," he had whispered softly, "don't do it. Please. For me." Her heart had galloped up to her throat and letting out a strangled sob, she had said, her voice thick with emotion, "I don't think I have a choice." Looking back, she laughs bitterly at herself, mocking her action. She always had a choice. She was the goddamn profiler, yet she didn't even know what she really wanted. And now, too late, she does. She wanted to deny the request and stay in San Francisco. She wanted to reassure him she's staying, and save the people of San Francisco alongside him, one step at a time.
She wanted him to love her as she loved him, to become his girlfriend, to start a life with him.
Never had she fallen so hard for someone before. She was spiralling downwards into an obsession, and that was dangerous for her. They were partners, and further than that, they were best friends. She didn't want to wreck that beautiful friendship. It was the best thing she had ever possessed. And it was all hers.
But it was not as if it just hit her one day, the realization of the love she had for him. The onset was slow, gradual like the symptoms of the flu. Soon she found herself lying restlessly in her queen bed in the muggy San Francisco night, fondly remembering the way he screwed up his nose when he was deep in thought, the way his voice inched up an octave when he was lying and the way he looked at her, as if she was special, as if she was the only woman in the room. But when she left, something changed between them. An unbreakable bond slowly tore itself into shreds as the time slowly trickled on. She had hurt him. Badly. She knew that now. But no matter how hard she could try, nothing could fix the painful history between them. They had nothing in common with each other any more. Their beautiful friendship and love was gone forever.
She had fiercely promised herself that she would never love again. Never, not after him. But yet, here she was, getting married in less than a week to a man that she didn't even know. She didn't deserve him, didn't need him, and didn't want him. But when he leaned down on one knee, it was too hard to say no, to watch the eager light fade from his eyes.
But still, why did she say yes?
Maybe because deep down, she knew, just knew that there was no point in her feelings. Deep down, she knew no matter how much she agonized about him, how much she longed for him, he wouldn't be thinking about her in the same light. She was in love with the old Mal she had once known. But that Mal was gone, burnt down into fine ash by the fire of time. And the old Mal was never coming back.
He truly was the one that got away.