Title: "Not Yet"
Author: HotforAngels
Pairing/Genre: Dean & Castiel friendship. Hurt/Comfort.
Spoilers: Swan Song
Warnings: No beta.
Word Count: 1, 480
Rating: NC-17
Summary: After the events of Stull Cemetery, Dean is not ready to face a world alone.
After saying his good-byes to Bobby, Dean kept on driving into the night. He planned on going to Cicero, just like he had promised Sam, but he wasn't sure if he was headed that direction or not. Right now it didn't matter. He just needed to drive. The radio was turned up, playing music he didn't hear; and the window was rolled down, letting in air that he couldn't breathe. The weight on Dean's chest seemed to pin him back against the seat, or maybe it was the fact that his speedometer had just ticked past eighty. Tears began to blur his vision, and Dean cursed as he swerved the car over onto the shoulder. He was not ready for this. Not yet. The numbness had not lasted nearly long enough.
He jumped out of the Impala, slamming the door behind him, and began pacing back and forth across the road. Dean pulled in great breaths of air, trying to calm himself, forcing his emotions back down. Finally getting himself under control, he grabbed a bottle of Jack from the backseat, sat on the hood of the car, and drank. He was nowhere near ready to give into his emotions just yet, and he would create an artificial numbness if he had to, however temporary it may be.
Dean wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there or exactly when he'd started talking to himself. He wasn't even aware that he had prayed to Cas until the angel suddenly turned up beside the car.
"Dean."
Dean rolled his head to the right to look at Cas. He stared silently at the angel for a moment before shifting his gaze back to the stars.
"Thought you went back to Heaven."
Castiel moved closer to Dean, his eyes moving to the nearly-empty bottle of alcohol. "I had some things to take care of here first," he said. "And I also wanted to say good-bye."
Dean snorted. "Well, whaddya know? Didn't think that word was in your lexicon," he said, taking another pull from the bottle.
Castiel watched him sadly, but didn't speak. He knew that this could very well be his last time seeing Dean on Earth, and he was in no hurry to leave. So Castiel watched Dean, and Dean watched the stars.
They didn't know how long they remained that way, but it didn't really matter. Neither of them was ready to say good-bye. Not to Sam. Not to the lives to which they had grown accustomed. Not to each other.
When Dean had drained the last of the Jack, he set the bottle down on the hood and turned his gaze back to Castiel.
"So…what now?"
Cas took the empty bottle and returned it to the backseat.
"I return to Heaven and attempt to restore some order, and you fulfill your promise to Sam and try to live a life free of the supernatural."
Dean snorted again. "Gee, you make it sound so easy."
Cas shook his head. "It's not."
Dean looked at Castiel a moment longer, before sliding off the hood and leaning next to him against the car.
Dean stared straight ahead, into the darkness. "What if I asked you to stay?"
"Don't."
Dean turned back to Cas with pleading eyes. Castiel moved a few feet away from the Impala, and turned to face the hunter.
"Dean…I can't. I'm sorry."
Dean rubbed a hand across his face. "I can't do this alone, Cas."
"You won't be alone, Dean," Castiel said, taking a step closer to him. "I will always be there if you need me."
Cas placed his hand over Dean's chest, and Dean felt a strange warmth growing inside of him.
"What are you doing?"
"Removing the sigils from your ribs," Cas said, glancing back up at Dean.
"But the other angels-"
"—won't dare come near you. I'll see to that."
They stared at one another for a moment longer, before Cas went to pull his hand away. But before he could, Dean covered Castiel's hand with his own, holding it to him.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Dean closed his eyes as he tightened his grip. He was not ready to let Cas go. Cas, it turns out, was not quite ready to let go either.
Dean wasn't exactly sure when the angel had moved closer, but he was suddenly aware of Castiel's coat brushing against their hands and his breath ghosting against his cheek. Dean kept his eyes closed, and just felt. Felt his heart beating against Castiel's hand. Felt the warmth that continued to fill his chest. Felt Cas move closer until their hands were trapped between them and their cheeks were pressed against one another.
"Dean," Cas whispered sadly in his ear.
"Not yet," Dean said, his other hand grabbing the front of Castiel's coat. He pulled Cas even closer to him, and buried his face in the crook of his neck, breathing him in.
Cas moved his hand slowly up Dean's arm, stopping over the mark that was the physical representation of the bond they shared.
"Cas," Dean breathed out, his voice no more than a whisper. "I need…"
…you.
…to forget.
Castiel didn't need to be told. He pressed his lips to Dean's neck in a kiss that was far too tender, but was all the permission Dean needed. Eyes still shut tight, he crashed into Cas. The kiss was bruising and aggressive; all tongue and teeth. There was no time to be gentle. Dean moved his hand out from between them to Castiel's back, pulling him even closer. Cas slid his leg in-between Dean's, causing the hunter to moan against his mouth. Dean reached behind him and pulled open the door of the Impala. Somehow they managed to maneuver themselves into the backseat while remaining connected at the mouth, Dean pinned below Castiel.
The pair continued to kiss frantically, pouring every bit of themselves into it. Every unfulfilled desire of the past two years making itself known. It was almost too much, and it would never…ever...be enough.
Dean's head was starting to swim, as he reached down and began massaging himself through his jeans. Cas noticed, and pushed Dean's hand away, replacing it with his own. Dean groaned loudly, and arched into the touch. He quickly unbuttoned his jeans, sliding them and his underwear down his thighs. Cas caught on quickly, and did the same before grinding his hips back down to meet Dean's. They both moaned loudly.
"Dean…Dean…"
Castiel's voice was breathless and broken. He said Dean's name like it was a prayer. Like it was an anchor. And, oh god, could Dean get used to that.
But he wouldn't get the chance.
Dean recaptured Castiel's mouth in an attempt to push those thoughts away. Cas moved his hand between them, and began stroking them both.
Dean could not have stopped the ragged groan from escaping his throat if he had tried. This was incredible. Why the hell hadn't they done this sooner?
No.
They could have been doing this for months.
No.
Dean broke the kiss and turned his head away, staring at the front seat. Cas continued stroking them, kissing and biting Dean's neck.
Sam would have had a hell of a time with this.
No.
He would have never let Dean live this down.
If only they'd had more time.
No.
Sammy.
Dean could no longer stop the tears from falling.
Cas slowed his pace, as he ran a finger down Dean's cheek.
"Dean," he said, softly, "stay with me."
Dean raised his head and turned his hard, tear-filled eyes on the angel. "No, you stay with me," he said, through gritted teeth.
Castiel's hand stopped moving between them. Dean let his head fall back to the seat, and turned away. For a moment, neither of them moved. Then Cas slowly lifted himself off of Dean, tucked himself away, and sat back on his heels. Dean finally managed to collect himself and scooted back so that he was leaning against the side of the car.
They stayed that way for a long time. Not looking at one another. Neither wanting to be the first to break the silence; because, really…what else was there to say?
Finally, realizing they could no longer ignore the inevitable, Dean and Castiel locked eyes for one last time.
"I have to go," Cas said quietly.
Dean simply nodded, and with a whispered "good-bye" Cas was gone.
Dean leaned his head back against the window and closed his eyes.
He wanted to die.
He wanted to find a way to bring Sam back.
He wanted to pray to Cas and tell him to stay.
But he didn't. He had a promise to keep. And even though he knew it was inevitable that he would one day break that promise…
…he couldn't afford to do that now.
Not yet.
Fin.