A/N: I always wondered why Alice was able to see Bella jump. In Eclipse, Bella's entire future disappears as soon as she crosses the boundary into La Push, or decides to go to La Push. So, in my brain, Alice would never have seen Bella jump. Therefore, Alice wouldn't have jumped on a plane, and Jacob wouldn't have smelled vampire when he took Bella home after the cliff diving incident. This also means that Bella would not have been in Italy when Victoria came back, and Victoria would not have smelled a "Cullen" and high-tailed it. That's where my adaptation begins.

Disclaimer: I don't own the story or the characters, they all belong to Stephenie Meyer, I just can't seem to let them go!

Jacob reached for the door, and I wanted to stop him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew he'd take anything I offered. We could talk later, but it felt like betraying my heart would be the last straw that would finally, completely break me. Also, I was still reeling from hearing Edward's voice. I needed to do some serious self examination. Jacob deserved better, but you know what? So do I.

He stepped out of the truck and waited for me to follow.

He walked me to the doorstep, turned and hugged me tight. This time there was no expectation in his touch. He pulled back and waited for me to look up.

"Bells, we're going to talk about this tomorrow. You know that right?" I nodded and looked back down at my shoes. He was talking about the cliff diving, I was talking about us, maybe he was too.

"I'm sorry Jake, we have a lot to talk about. I've been very selfish, and I'm going to work on that. I've been wasting time, and Harry's passing has given me a wake up call. I've been so stupid. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"Don't worry about the red-headed bloodsucker, we'll be patrolling, now that we know what she's looking for."

I tried to argue, but he cut me off, with another grin and a "that's why we're here."

"Goodnight Bella."

"G' night Jake"

I climbed the stairs completely exhausted. Gathered my pajamas from my bedroom and went to the bathroom for a very long, very hot shower. I was beginning to feel somewhat human again.

As I headed back down the stairs, I noticed it was getting kind of late, I wondered absently when Charlie would be back. I pulled out the casserole from two days ago. Another wave of guilt hit me. My near death experience jolted me again, what would losing his best friend and his daughter on the same day have done to Charlie? It would have killed him. The hole in my chest started aching again, but this time there was a burn with it. Words were ringing in my ears, "Don't do anything reckless or stupid, for Charlie's sake."

I was angry. At myself mostly, but for the first time ever, at him. He made a promise he broke as soon as it was made and asked me to agree to a promise for Charlie's sake. I'd forgotten the real reason for that promise. Charlie. Manipulator! The missing part of my chest may not care if I'm safe but Charlie sure as hell does. So does Jake. For that matter, so do the rest of the wolves and Emily, and even my friends at school. God! I've been so stupid. I could feel my resolve getting stronger. I was done going through the motions. I have people who care about me, who worry about me. Those people matter. They deserve my full attention and my care in return, not what was left over after he crushed me. Even vacant houses can be rehabbed. I was starting now!

I need a plan.

Part One: Plan for my Future

I have one, and I'm not going to just let it happen to me anymore!

Luckily, my grades were excellent, I had been working very hard at not thinking about him, so even my trigonometry grade was an A this semester. I was making an appointment with the guidance counselor first thing Monday to see if I was too late to apply for college scholarships. It was the end of spring break, surely there were still colleges accepting applications.

I need to consider attending school far from here. I don't think I could take Florida and Renee. California? Renee and I lived there with Gran when I was little for a while, or maybe the Midwest? Maybe the east coast. I'd like to be in a big city again, I don't necessarily want to go back Phoenix, but I miss the conveniences of a big city. So far I'd experienced summer heat year round, and cold and wet, maybe it would be nice to go somewhere with four actual seasons!

Part Two: Develop Relationships with People who ARE Available

Examine my feelings and hang ups about Jake. It's not fair to him or me to stay in limbo. He's not a medicine, it's not fair to use him as one. There has to be another way to make the hole in my chest heal. If not, I need to cut him loose so he can find a girl to be happy with.

Psychotherapy is probably a bad idea, although, I don't have to tell the doctor about the vampire aspect, surely there is a medical explanation for the hallucinations. Maybe I should start a journal. I can read a book, and maybe learn some healthier coping skills. Grief counseling? I'll check in Port Angeles. Nobody needs to know my boyfriend died 90 years ago…I ached again, just at the thought. There has to be a way to fix me. I can't keep going on like this.

Call Angela.

Visit Renee.

Volunteer. I still need to stay busy, but I can stay busy doing something productive, useful to others. I'll check with Charlie maybe they could use someone to answer phones at the station, or someone to read to kids at the hospital.

Finally, Charlie came home, he looked so tired. "Hey dad, I'm so sorry to hear about Harry."

He looked up at me and said, "I'm really gonna miss him, he was my best friend." He gave me a quick hug and sat down at the table with a "thanks for dinner Bells." He ate like he wasn't really tasting his food, just going through the motions, getting sustenance because he needed to.

"I'm going to head on to bed okay dad?"

"Sure Bells, you look tired. Did you have fun with Jake today?"

"Yeah, went down to the beach, got stuck in the storm, it really took it out of me, I'm beat. See you tomorrow."

"G'night Bells."

Back in my room I went to my desk and pulled out the bottle of pills Dr. Gerandy had prescribed. If I'm going to try to actually get better, I'm going to need to try every available option. Maybe medicine will work. There were twenty five pills in that bottle, I'd give it twenty five days, if it worked, I'd get a refill, if not, then at least I'd tried. I went to the bathroom and got a glass water, I took a pill and did something I hadn't done since September, I pulled out Pride and Prejudice and read for a while.

Of course I had a nightmare. Of course. But it was different this time. This time, I was wandering in the woods and I never forgot what I was looking for. This time, I never found him, but I never got to the point of realizing there was nothing to look for. I did wake with a start, this time though, it was because of the growling of a huge russet wolf in my dream.

Huh.

I pondered this as I got ready, for the first time in months I paid attention to my appearance. I took my time drying my hair completely straight. I put on a newer long sleeved blouse and jeans and padded downstairs barefoot. Charlie was already gone. He'd left a note saying he was in La Push helping Sue make funeral arrangements. I called Jake, he was just coming off of patrol. I told him I was planning to go to Newton's to work, he said Sam would shadow me there and that the store would be covered all day. They were pretty sure they'd scared Victoria off for good this time, but I knew better, she'd be back. She'd never give up, she's just like James. This was a game to her, she was just better at escaping than he'd been.

Work was slow, so Mrs. Newton let me off early, I headed out of the store and waited, I knew one of the boys would be waiting. I saw two, Sam and Jared. Sam was in human form, Jared remained in wolf form just inside the woods. I walked toward the edge of the parking lot that bordered the forest, Sam stepped out.

"I got out early, I was thinking I need to run a couple errands, the bank, the grocery store, do you mind tagging along, I hate keeping you from Emily, but since I seem to be the bait, I don't want to wander around town alone."

"I'm glad you're taking this seriously Bella, of course I'll go with you, Jared will call Paul and they'll shadow us as close as they can. You're not keeping me from Emily, it's my turn for patrol anyway, I pulled the easy duty, beats running the perimeter!"

Of course he just hopped in the truck, he didn't need to tell Jared, he could hear us from his post, he'd be telling Paul already, so off we went.

The errands didn't take long, I bought more groceries than normal, telling Sam I planned to make some food to send to Sue's with Charlie. He surprised me when he suggested I come to the funeral too. I hadn't even considered that. Harry was Charlie's friend. I didn't really even know him. "I'm afraid I'd feel like an outsider. I know Jake doesn't, but I know my relationship with the Cullen's is a sore spot with most of the pack, and some of the tribal elders."

"Interesting choice of words Bella."

"What?"

"You didn't say former relationship, or past. Let me ask you something, I know Jake doesn't speak their names around you, we've seen the way you seem to cave in on yourself when you think of them. Are you still grieving, or are you still in denial?"

It's a good thing Sam was driving, because all of the air left my lungs in a quick whoosh. "I didn't think I was so transparent."

"You're not, really. But Jake reads you pretty well, and you've been on his mind a lot lately. The little things he notices, become noticeable to me when he thinks about you."

"I'm sorry Sam, I don't mean to give you guys more reason to hate me."

"WHAT?! Bella, you have to know we don't hate you. We may not understand you, hell, the fact that you could actually love a bl- I mean vampire, is a bit revolting, but Bella, that's just you. You should be repulsed by us too. The fact that you can love monsters of any kind is a testament to the purity of your soul."

I snorted.

"What?" He looked confused.

"Well, the purity of my soul isn't a discussion I've had in a few months, not since my birthday, as a matter of fact."

"Oh?"

Shit. I'd said too much. I didn't want to get into this with anyone, least of all Sam. I looked out the window trying to hide my blush.

"You don't have to talk about it Bella. Bella?" I looked up.

"I'd always assumed that he'd used his vampire "voodoo" to put you under a spell. That's not how it was for you was it?" He phrased it as a question, but I knew it was rhetorical. He knew. He was just beginning to understand just how deep I'd been. By choice.

"Let me ask you something else Bella."

"Okay."

"When Jake started phasing, and cut off contact, you were unbelievably stubborn, you weren't taking no for an answer. I mean I know you thought Jake was in some king of trouble, but really, you demanded an explanation. When they left, you just curled up and took it. Why is that? Why haven't you tried to get the answers you so obviously need?"

"I don't need any answers Sam, he doesn't love me. I can't make him love me, there's nothing for me to ask really."

"Okay, so what's the problem then? Do you still want him to love you?"

"What?" I was shocked he was being so blunt and intrusive.

"Bella, I call BS. You can't actually accept that he doesn't love you, or you'd be reacting to it. You'd be pissed, or scorned, I don't know, something. You're avoiding, that tells me, you're in denial. That tells me nothing is resolved for you. Now you've got to ask yourself, why did you demand and answer from Jake, you friend, and not him, who was supposed to love you? Do you really have him on that high of a pedestal, that you don't think you even deserve an explanation? Or at the very least an opportunity to tell him off?"

"I don't know where they are Sam, how could I demand anything."

"So if you could find them, you would. You would take him back, still."

"No. I…I didn't say that…I don't know. I don't think so?" I was stuttering and confused and shocked. Why did I just roll over for Edward and not Jake.

"Cause let me tell you Bella, you're acting like the quiet girl that got dumped by the quarterback, and if that's what you're thinking, that he was better than you? That is seriously fucked up. Don't interrupt, I'm on a roll. Jake cares about you, I'm not sure it's love, but it sure as hell is headed that way. You need to get some shit straight in your head before you make a decision about Jake one way or the other. If you're still looking for answers, then get them. It shouldn't be too hard to find a doctor for crying out loud. They're not Nomads. I'm sure Dr. Cullen has been in touch with the hospital for consultations and follow ups. Where he is, the rest are sure to be near. What? Has this really never occurred to you before?"

"I…." I was stunned. I was staring at Sam slack jawed. I must have stopped breathing, because he said "Breathe Bella." It really had never occurred to me to try to find them. What is wrong with me?

And just like that, my universe shifted. How had I been so stupid? Did I really think it was impossible? What about the AMA for John's sake? We know they tend to stay in the North. We know they were headed east, the cover story was already set up for Dartmouth by Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper, not that they'd head there now, not with me knowing about it… But still, Carlise might be using a different name, in the new location, but then I knew a few of those names, the name on the credit card Alice had used when we'd gone to Phoenix. The name Jasper had used at the hotel in Phoenix. My mind was racing, the wheels were spinning. Sam broke my musing.

"Bella, I'm not suggesting you go tracking vampires, God knows, my advice would be to stay as far-the-hell-away from them as you can. But, you can't live in limbo. In a normal break up, you at least get a chance at a rebuttal, to vandalize his car, or locker, or to tell the jerk to go to hell, although in this case he's headed there anyway, but still, maybe just having an address to send the hate mail to would help."

I flinched at the hell comment. I wondered how Sam would feel to know that Edward agreed with him on that count.

"I think you're right Sam. I have a few ideas, I can do some google searches. I might even be able to talk deputy Mark into tracing a credit card…" For the first time in a long time, I felt energized, like I had a project that didn't involve conjuring hallucinations. "You're not going to think about this while you're a wolf are you?"

"No way, I don't want to get blamed for planting this idea in your head, though it's better than cliff diving at least. And Bell?" I looked up at him, "Atta girl." He grinned. "I knew you had a backbone in there, I've seen you use to defend others, I just think it's time you use it to stand up for yourself."

We were at my house. Apparently we'd been there awhile sitting in the truck. Sam helped me in with the groceries and convinced me to at least come to La Push tomorrow during the funeral, that way the pack wouldn't be divided. I would stay at Jake's house with him, while Jared and Embry patrolled and the rest of the pack would attend the funeral. Harry was on the tribal counsel and was one of only three elders who knew the truth about the wolves. They all wanted to be there, but not with Victoria still in the picture.

I made two lasagnas, while they were baking, I went to my dad's closet, pulled out his dress shirt and ironed for him. I checked his dress shoes and shined them up. I hung his suit and shirt on the hook on the back of his door. One less thing he'd have to mess with. We weren't very good at declaring our feelings, but I hoped my actions showed him that I love him.

By the time the lasagna was done, it was pretty late. Jake showed up in his car, Sam took it, and one pan of lasagna back to La Push.

Jake and I ate dinner, did the dishes and talked about the funeral and nothing else in particular. He gave me a quick hug, told me to get some rest, he was going to take a couple of pieces of lasagna out for Quil and Embry and phase so they could eat in human form while he ran patrol.

I showered and took my pill and climbed into bed exhausted. This time, I had a lot to ponder before falling asleep. I wouldn't be able to spend much time on the computer tomorrow, but school started the next day, and I have a study hall. The computer lab at school was connected to high speed internet, that would help, hopefully. Hope. I hadn't allowed myself the risk of hope in so long. It was grim hope. What would I accomplish, really? Finding them wouldn't bring them back. I'd just get rejected again. But maybe Sam was right. Maybe I just needed to get a few things off of my chest. Or maybe I just needed to have that option. I didn't have to actually have to contact them, maybe it would help to just know where they were. To prove to my crazy brain that they were in fact real.