UPDATED A/N: I rewrote this mostly because I wanted to fix some of my older stuff, and also because when I wrote this, I was just sort of being upset and not focusing on writing properly. So, it turned out pretty badly.
Just to clarify, this is the night after Bella's birthday, and therefore, the night he doesn't stay.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, or Edward. I don't feel like putting in something witty here. You got a problem with that?
I couldn't stay that night. I was afraid to stay. Jasper may have been the one to lose control, but I had been so close, too close, to draining her myself. The small amount of confidence in my self-control that I had amassed last spring was shattered the moment the first drop of her blood fell. The monster in me had demanded me to take what was so easily mine. In that moment, Bella had not been Bella anymore, she had been food. I was appalled with myself, the one creature on this earth whom accepted my every fault, who loved me, who I loved with ever part of my being, and I had almost taken her away from myself. I had foolishly prided myself on my self control, on my family's self control, but it was all a rouse created by my mind to placate me, make me reckless.
And that would have to stop.
No matter how much I needed to see her face, no matter how much I wanted to be with her, to hear her laugh, to see her smile, to feel her lips on mine, to know she was safe in my arms before I left, I couldn't. Because she wasn't safe with me, she never was.
And she never would be.
So I ran. And I ran. Soon enough I would find someplace where I would stop. But for now, I wanted to run. I wanted to run away from everything just this once. I wanted to run away from Jasper's anguished thoughts, from Alice's begging for me to reconsider, from Emmett's quiet disapproval, from Rosalie's smugness, from Carlisle's unrelenting patience and acceptance, from Esme's quiet sobs. I was a coward, running away from all my problems.
Why couldn't I be strong enough to fight myself? If it were anyone else, I could stop them, keep hersafe.
My feet were moving of their own accord, I didn't have a destination to go to. All I wanted was to get as far away from my tribulations as possible. So I kept running, further and further, harder and harder.
Eventually, I found myself in the depths of the woods. It was a familiar setting, but the place itself was unfamiliar enough to stop. There were no anguished memories to attach to this place. No memories that would make me think of things I didn't want to. For a moment, I thought I was free. But there was nowhere to hide from my accusing mind.
'You couldn't protect her! You couldn't protect her! Why? Because it wasn't against a stranger, it was your own family. What's going to happen next time? What if you can't get her out of the way? What if you can't stop yourself? Hmm? And even now is she okay? No! Her arm's gashed and stitched up. Anyone else, and she would have been fine, but not you. Why? Because you're not hu…'
I let my head crash against the nearest tree trunk. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to feel the pain that I should have felt. But I couldn't. There was no pain, no distraction from the voice in my head. There was nothing to hide from it with. No matter how far I ran, I could not hide from what I was. I wanted to cry. I wanted to smile. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to be in agony. I wanted to feel something, anything. Anything that would let me escape this torture.
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't listen to it. I'd been listening to these same accusations ever since the moment I'd pushed her out of the way. It played on and on in my head, like a broken record. But no matter how much I tried to shatter the record, make it end. I couldn't, it played on and on, its sound pounding through my head, leaving me no way to evade it. And I couldn't take it anymore.
'You're not human! What would have happened if she was with someone like Mike? Nothing! All you're doing to her is hurting her. The one thing that you love, and you're hurting her. It's your fault!'
Before I could realize it, my fist was connecting with the same trunk. Again and again I let it pummel it, until there was nothing left to hold it up. So it fell with a sound like a thunderclap. And I didn't care. More than anything, I wanted to be that tree. I wanted to fall. To end.
It was a single drop of blood.
I could smell it near where the top of the tree had been. The deplorable creature that I was wanted it. Even now, I could not battle the monster that I was. It was cooling quickly, the life draining away. It wasn't even worth my time, but still, I followed the scent.
A tiny sparrow, and her nest of eggs, lay crushed in the mess of branches of the tree I had destroyed.
'See? All you can do is destroy. You'll destroy Bella eventually, no matter what you do. That's all you can do. It's a monster's purpose. To destroy.'
I picked the bird up with shaking hands and held it to my cheek. I wasn't even aware of the blood dripping down my cheek. It was still warm, but it was fading quickly. How long would it be until it would be Bella that I held? How long until I felt her warmth fade away, her eyes go dull? Would it be me or Jasper who brought her to this state? Or would it be some other vampire brought to her through me?
How long would it take for me to kill her?
And so I sat there. Holding the bird until the chill of death had taken over the small body, and letting the drops of blood be the tears I couldn't cry.
UPDATED A/N: This time around, I tried to focus more on why he was leaving and his feelings about what he is. I don't know if I like how this ended up, but I think it's a little better than before.
So please, read and review!
A/N: Basically I did this as a way to let out a lot of anger I've been feeling. I had a fairly crappy day today at school, and don't much feel like working on Moonset. Writing this helped me a little, but I doubt I'll be able to finish the chapter right now.
And as a little warning, it's going to be very short. I cut off near the end of the New Moon chapter for my Moonset chapter because I wanted to have more time to research some things about motorcycles. It will probably be one of the shortest chapters, but they definitely won't all be as long as the first chapter.
And again, please, please, please review! You don't know how much I appreciate it, even if it's just three or four words.