Again, big thanks to my beta reader HollyRose31523
Disclaimer: I don't own The Blacklist
"All that I'm after, is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I think that all that still matters is love ever after,
after the live we've been through,
'Cause I know there's no life after you."
Daughtry 'Life After You'
"I believe I know the real reason you don't want me to have the fulcrum."
"That is?"
"Because you're afraid… that once you give it to me, you'll be of no further use to me… and you'll never see me again."
Liz knew she couldn't hide in her gaze that he was right. He had pointed out exactly what scared her most. Of all the horrible things around her, the most terrifying was the possibility of him disappearing from her life.
She didn't know what to say. He had already learned enough from her gaze. He had seen her vulnerability, that little part of her she couldn't bear to be seen by anyone, so she decided to just walk out on him, get out of this situation.
Liz left the café. The noise outside of cars driving by and people surrounding her was disturbing. Her heart started to race. This fast moving environment combined with these unstable emotions brought her close to having a panic attack. How could she feel like this? About five minutes ago she was confident, even sarcastic with Red. Where did this confidence go so quickly? Just him exposing her fear made her react like this, she realized.
Liz saw a little alley close to the café and she took the few steps to reach it. She needed to put herself out of the wilderness of the daily New York streets. She tried to calm down her breath, hoping her heart would follow this lead and slow down with it.
How could he catch her that off guard? Deep inside she knew she felt that way. But how did it come this far?
In the first few weeks after meeting Raymond Reddington Liz had been sure that life would get a lot easier once she was out of that task force, away from him and at home with a beautiful baby and her loving husband. She felt sick in her stomach thinking about that now. To say that it didn't turn out the way it was planned would be an award winning understatement. But there was no point in denying that from the moment Liz had met Red, she had somehow become intrigued with this man. What was it that drew him to her - and more, what was it that drew her towards him right from the first second?
Liz remembered how mad she had been at Red every now and again for tearing up her life. He had broken her trust for her husband, smashed everything she had believed in to pieces and even literally killed her father. Having Red in her life had been the most disturbing thing Liz had ever experienced, but despite everything she couldn't deny that she had somehow allowed him to become the one thing stable through it all. She believed him and even if he had never given her much - what he did give her was truth. And these little bits of truth had been what kept her going when there was nearly nothing left. She realized that Red had become that person everyone has in life, the one you always turn to. Red had been able to provide something right from the start, something that Tom never could.
Liz felt better now thinking about the caring Red, the one who would put his arms around her just to create a unique and safe place. She longed for that right now. She longed for it, although she was still furious at him for looking into her memories and for withholding all the information about the fulcrum. But she couldn't lose another person and especially not him.
With that in mind Liz began walking. Confidence had kicked in again and pushed her forward. She walked out on the street and curiously the noise and the people couldn't harm her anymore. She knew what she wanted and she was on her way to negotiate it.
Liz entered the café again. Red was still sitting in the same spot. Dembe sat on the barstool beside him now but hurried to get out of the way, when he saw Liz walking towards them. By the look on Red's face it seemed that Dembe had left Red right in the middle of a sentence.
"You know what, Red, you're right!" Liz barged in at him. "I am afraid of losing you! And I'm not just worried that you might leave before you have given me all the answers I need to understand this whole bunch of crap going on since the day you entered my life!" She exhaled, exhausted from her resolute march and all these feelings which had built up in these last few minutes. But she also felt relieved that she could finally blow off some steam, even if it was by barking at Red.
"Lizzie, you know I said -"
"- everything you can say. Yes, I know that already. But why? Why can't you tell me more? Why don't you trust me?"
"Trust was never the issue here, Lizzie." He reached out for her hand, but she wouldn't allow him to touch her.
"Then what is, Red?" she spat.
"I am trying to protect you, Lizzie," he said insistingly.
"As I said before, you don't have to!" she replied.
"And as I said before, I guess today made perfectly clear that it doesn't hurt when I'm around either." He grinned a little, but immediately stopped, when he noticed that she didn't find it funny at all.
"Listen, Lizzie," he said more soothingly now, while trying to hold her hand again, which she allowed this time. "I know you are strong. In fact, I think you are stronger than you know, but there are things out there, which are also more dangerous than you can imagine, especially knowledge. I know this is very vague and very frustrating, but, please, Lizzie, trust me on this!" He moved a little closer to her, pulling the barstool with him.
"Please, Red, just give me something I can hold on to!" Liz begged. "My life is literally falling apart and I need something that keeps it together, that keeps me together."
She sat down on the barstool next to Red.
"I am here to keep you together," he replied softly while gently squeezing her hand. "I am here for you, Lizzie, and I promise you, I am not going anywhere…" He paused. "Unless it becomes me or just my presence that might put you in danger." He looked down at their hands.
"No!" Liz objected. "I won't allow you to leave. I simply won't." She looked straight into his eyes. "And don't you even dare trying to outsmart me on this. If you ever have to go, take me with you! You're Raymond Reddington. You know how to get people out of the radar. If you can put yourself off the grid, surely you can put both of us off it." Liz didn't know where that came from, but suddenly it was clear to her that this was the solution - to know that she would be with him, no matter what.
"Lizzie, you don't know what you're saying," he intervened. "You don't want to leave. You have your work, your friends and Hudson!" He smiled a little. "Your life will fall into place again and everything will calm down eventually. That's what you need - not being on the run around the world with me."
"All I need is you," Liz said with a confidence that didn't allow any doubt. "I don't care about anything here as much as I care about you. Promise me, Red, if there ever occurs a situation where I'm not safe with you around here anymore, you take me with you, even if that doesn't change my status of danger at all, even if it's you and me against the world!"
She put her left hand on Red's, which was still holding her other.
"Please, Red!" Liz insisted. "Right now I am living a life after losing my biological parents, after Sam and after Tom. But what I can't imagine living a life after losing you."
Red smiled at her and she could see a look of surprise along with astonishment in his eyes.
"And maybe we could also take Hudson with us," she added.
"You amaze me, Lizzie!" he chuckled. "You got that from Sam. He also had the ability to catch me off guard with plans like this. And you also got his confidence in believing in them."
She still looked at him.
"Okay, Lizzie," Red gave in. "I promise that if there will ever be a situation like this, I will come to you and ask if you want to come with me. Is that alright?"
"You won't have to ask," Liz said relieved."But I'll take it."
"I suppose we have a deal, then," Red replied and squeezed her hand to seal it.