Summary: A C/M songfic to the song I Want You To Live by George Canyon. I am warning you now, this is a sad fic and involves a character death (I won't say who, but it will be pretty obvious from the beginning.)It is definitely AU (as are most of my stories.) Hope you enjoy =)
I Want You To Live
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of the song.
When she got the news
The phone hit the floor
She fell to her knees and cried his name
Monica Gellar-Bing sat on the couch watching the 6 o'clock news. It was something she found herself doing more and more lately, something she rarely ever used to do. Ever since her husband, Chandler, had been deployed overseas to Afghanistan to fight in the war, she found herself constantly needing to be reassured that nothing had happened to him.
Being left alone with two kids was not easy (it was a little easier thanks to the help of her friends) and she didn't know if she could handle doing it on her own much longer. Sure Jack and Erica weren't bad kids by any means, but at just 4 years old they were understandably a handful.
She heard the phone on the coffee table in front of her ringing and picked it up, recognizing the number on the caller ID as her best friend, Rachel.
"Hey Rach." Monica said answering after the 3rd ring.
"Mon, hi." Rachel said and by the tone of her voice, Monica could tell something was up. "Did you see the news?"
"I'm watching it right now." Monica assured her. "Why?"
"Did you not see the part of a suicide bomb going off in Afghanistan?" Rachel asked.
"Well yeah I did, but that is something that happens almost everyday over there." Monica said. She did think it was sad that innocent civilians were subjected to that everyday, but when it got to be such a common occurrence in that part of the world and the news reported on it everyday, it didn't faze her as much as it used to.
"Mon, that bomb went off in the area where Chandler is right now." Rachel said. She knew that Monica probably had the tv muted so as not to scare Jack and Erica with the noises.
"What?" Monica said quickly turning up the volume, but realizing she had just missed the report. "I'm sure he's ok Rach." Although she suddenly felt a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. Something that was telling her everything was not alright.
"I hope so. Mon, promise you will call me the moment you hear anything?" Rachel asked, although it was more of a direction than anything.
"I will, I promise." Monica reassured her her best friend and hung up the phone, only to be interrupted by another phone call.
"Hello?" She answered, not recognizing the number.
"Is this Mrs. Monica Bing?" A deep voice came over the line.
"Yes, who is this?" Monica asked, her stomach doing flip-flops. Somehow she knew who it was and she knew what he was about to tell her would rip her world apart.
"This is Staff Sargeant Ralph Bjorin. I was on a tour with your husband. We were working side by side." He explained.
"Were?" Monica asked. "Why are you using the past tense? Chandler's ok right?"
"Mrs. Bing, I'm not sure if you saw the news or not but there was a suicide bomb that went off in the area of Kandahar that we are in. There were a lot of civilians killed as well as two soldiers, I'm very sorry to inform you that Chandler was one of them." He said, his tone sounding sincerely sorry for her loss.
"He's dead?" Monica asked feeling the need to be reassured that she had heard correctly.
"Yes Mam, like I said I am so sorry. I got to know Chandler pretty well over the past few months. He was a very good man. He loved you and your children more than anything in this world." Sargeant Bjorin said. "I wanted to tell you over the phone as soon as I could, it will be a few days before anyone shows up at your door to deliver the news. I only hope you can accept my deepest condolences, your family is in my prayers."
"Th...thank you." Monica managed to choke out through her tears before hanging up the phone. She shakily put it back on the receiver and curled up in a ball on the couch, letting her tears fall and a sob escape her lips.
"Chandler." She cried through her tears, their life together flashing through her eyes.
He had just kissed her lips
And both of the kids
Their lives will never be the same
She remembered like it was yesterday, the last time he had kissed her. He was just about to board the bus to leave for the airport, his bag was slung over his shoulder, his uniform on. He looked more handsome than she could ever remember him looking.
"Honey, I've really got to go." Chandler said as they stood outside the door of their home.
"Promise me you'll stay safe, promise me you'll come home. I can't lose you." Monica said as her eyes clouded over with tears.
"Mon, we've been through this before. I promise I will do my best to get back to you and the kids. I can't promise to come back because we both know there are no guarantees, but I can promise to love you till the end of time." He said with a smile tugging at the end of his lips.
Monica smiled slightly and nodded as he leaned in and gave her one of the most passionate kisses they had ever shared. They both knew it was going to have to last them for the next six months.
"Tell the kids I love them and that I am so sorry I have to miss their birthday." Chandler said suddenly hating his job for causing him to miss important events like this. On his last tour of duty, he had missed Christmas. This time it would be Jack and Erica's 4th birthday.
"They know Chandler and they understand, well to the best of their ability, that this is Daddy's job and it's something he has to do." Monica said and kissed him again.
"Ok now I really have to go." Chandler said sadly, giving her a long hug.
"Ok I love you past the moon and stars and beyond forever." She said, repeating to him what he had said to her the night before and also what he had said in their wedding vows.
"I love you to baby." He said kissing her one last time and turning away, knowing that if he saw the tears in her eyes one more time, he might just lose all self-control.
Little did Monica know that those words would be the last words he ever spoke to her. This thought cause her to cry even harder.
"Mommy?" A small voice called out.
Monica looked over and saw her daughter standing there looking worried. Her wavy, blonde hair tangled from god only knows what and her bright blue eyes lined with tears.
"Mommy are you ok?" Another voiced asked, this time it was Jack, who appeared standing next to his twin sister. His eyes, identical to his sisters, had tears in them as well.
"Oh, I'm sorry you guys." Monica said rubbing the tears from her eyes.
"Mommy your crying." Erica said observantly. "Did something happen to Daddy?"
Monica didn't know what to say to that. How was she supposed to tell her children that the father they adored was never coming home? That their Daddy would never again read them a story or have tea parties with Erica and her dolls or play catch in the back yard with Jack.
"Come here honeys." She said opening her arms widely as both kids crawled into them, holding on for dear life, somehow understanding that Daddy was gone.
At the end of her hardest day
The only words she could say were
I want you to live, I want you to love
I wanna go back to the way it was
To hear you say my name again
I wanna see your smile again
I want you to live
Monica quietly entered her bedroom after having just tucked in Jack and Erica. Jack had insisted in sleeping in the same room as his sister, as if to protect her somehow from being swallowed by the cloud of gloom that would no doubt come over their family in the coming days. Erica didn't protest like she normally would. Instead she allowed him to sleep in the tiny single bed with her. Monica knew they were tired both emotionally and physically and she also knew that although they fought like crazy, being so different personality wise, that they needed eachother to get through this. At 4 years old, they were dealing with a lot.
She sat down on the edge of her bed and put her head in her hands. She thought she was all cried out after crying for over 3 hours with the kids, but more tears came. Suddenly she felt angry. Angry at Chandler for dying, angry at herself for not stopping him from going, angry at God for taking away the love of her life. She wanted to throw something, anything, but she didn't want to scare her kids.
She went out to the balcony that was just outside the bedroom she used to share with her husband and sat on their swing, in silence. She couldn't think of anything but Chandler and decided that maybe she should talk to him. She always heard that people who were gone, could hear the living. Hell her friend Phoebe claimed to be able to talk to the dead and hear them back. Maybe it could work for her as well. As she walked back into the bedroom and sat on their bed, there were only a few words that Monica could think to say to him as she cried herself to sleep. I want you to live, I want you to love, I wanna go back to the way it was
To hear you say my name again, I wanna see your smile again, I want you to live
Takes all of her strength to go through his things
It feels like she's holdin' him again
The letters he wrote the books that he'd read
and some of the shirts still have his scent
Two days later, Monica sat in the basement that Chandler had turned into his pace. It was basically a rec room with the old foosball table he had shared in his apartment with Joey, a big screen tv with a Wii, a computer desk and dart board. There was also a pool table and air hockey table on the other side of the room. The guys hung out here all the time and it was definitely a guys room. It was the only area of the house with no paintings or pictures on the walls. Well there was one picture of Monica and the kids that Chandler insisted on keeping at his computer desk. That was it.
Monica walked into the storage room that held all of the boxes he hadn't unpacked since moving into the house 4 years earlier. He had just never got around to it, despite Monica's insistence.
Monica opened a box and found the old ratty blanket Chandler had had since college, the one he insisted was a "wall hangy" to which Ross always replied "it didn't spend much time on the wall". She draped it around her shoulders and imagined that Chandler was standing there with his arms wrapped around her.
She fingered through more of the boxes recovering all the letters he had written to her when they first started going out and no one knew about them so they'd write eachother letters to tell the other just how much they though about one another.
She picked up a well worn copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. It was Chandler's favorite book, as was obvious for how torn the cover was and bent the pages were. He had had the book since he was in high school. Monica remembered it being one of the many things they had first found they had in common. It was both a favorite book of theirs.
At the bottom of the third box she opened was Chandler's old sweatshirt from college. The one she used to have claim on as her own. She pulled it out and held it to her face, taking in it's scent. It still smelled like him, mostly like his aftershave. She took the blanket that had been wrapped around her shoulders and put it down, putting the shirt over her head. It was still much to big for her, but she loved it none the less.
Suddenly something else caught her eye. It was a picture frame. She picked it up and gasped as she remembered where the picture had been taken. It was way before Jack and Erica were born, when she and Chandler were engaged and the gang had decided on going on a trip to Disneyworld. Chandler and Monica were on the It's A Small World ride and as they came around a corner slowly, looking directly into eachother's eyes and smiling, Rachel had somehow taken a picture without either of them knowing. It had quickly become their favorite picture as it caught them in the perfect moment, just happy and in love.
The picture in Florida
she holds to her heart and cries out loud
I want you to live, I want you to love
I wanna go back to the way it was
To hear you say my name again
I wanna see your smile again
Weeks past and Monica did nothing but go through the same routine day by day. Get up, wake the kids, take them to school, go to work, pick the kids up, come home, make supper, put kids to bed and cry herself to sleep. It was the only way she knew how to get through the grief.
She knew her friends were worried. She never wanted to go out with them anymore. She would let Jack and Erica go and play with Emma at Ross and Rachel's but she never joined them. She knew the kids were still having a hard time so she wanted to give them as much normality as it was possible, and that was going over to their Aunt and Uncle's to play with their favorite cousin.
Lying awake in the middle of the night
Trying not to let the kids hear her cry
She prays for answer or some little sign
It had now been over a month since Chandler died and still Monica felt like it was just yesterday. It was night time and she had just put the kids to bed. She found herself unable to sleep, thinking about all the problems she was facing, mostly her future alone without Chandler.
She started crying again and felt the familiar anger welling up inside of her. She wanted to scream but she knew it would scare her kids and that was not something she wanted to do. They were doing everything they could to help her deal, and she knew that it was because of them she would make it through this. The trouble was she had no idea what to do next, no idea where to go from here. She had no idea how to get past the grief. It was getting more and more difficult everyday.
"Chandler if your there, please help me. I don't know what to do anymore." She cried as she drifted into a restless sleep.
Suddenly she finds herself in a dark room, she couldn't see any walls and there was only a dim light. Out of nowhere she sees the light getting brighter and brighter and then as if out of nowehere, Chandler appears in front of her.
"C..Chandler." She stutters, unable to say anything else as he puts a finger to her lips making a shushing sound.
"Mon, baby I know your not used to be the quiet one but I need for you to hear me." He instructed and she nodded so he continued. "I know you miss me and god, I miss you to." He smiled at her. "But I can't be with you and we both know that so I need for you to do something for me."
She nods slowly and waits for him to continue.
She closes her eyes I want you to live, I want you to love
and swears she
hears him say
I want you to go on and not give up
I want you to live, I want you to try
I want you to know that I'm alright
I want you to fall in love again
I wanna see you smile again and again
At those words, Monica suddenly felt all the pressure being taken off of her. It was as if she had been waiting to hear him say those words so she could move on with her life. She knew as much as she missed him, she couldn't spend the rest of her life living in the past. She needed to let go.
"Do you understand me?" Chandler asked as he finished saying what he felt needed to be said.
Monica nodded. "I understand.
"Ok, I have to go. But I just want you to know, I love you more than life, past the moon and stars and beyond forever." He said repeating the phrase they had used a lot.
"I love you just as much." She said as she held on to him, hugging him tightly and they shared one more passionate kiss.
The next day Monica found herself standing at Chandler's grave, thinking about the words from her dream the previous night. She now knew that as much as it hurt to think about, she needed to let him go. He had promised to wait for her in heaven whispering "your mine for eternity" in her ear, before he had let her go and she woke up.
She placed the flowers beside the tombstone and held her hand up to trace his name. She spoke the words she felt, although she knew they would never come true.
I want you to live
Ok guys, so that's it. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I killed of Chandler and I'm sorry but I thought bringing him back from the dead was a bit to much like a soap opera and that wasn't what I wanted to go for. It was really hard for me to do mostly because I am a die hard C/M fan. Anyways please read and review. Thanks.