Just Act Normal
"Well hello to you" said the slightly nervous and anxious voice of Rachel Berry. "Now for the eagle eyed amongst you'll notice I'm not at home, I'm actually at a therapist's office, for those who said about time – rude".
She was sat in a modern day rocking chair with a black leather cushioning and chrome metal frame. Around the office was a number of different items, there was a large mahogany desk to left hand side of the room placed diagonally across from the three seat brown leather sofa. It had three large windows placed at the back of the room over looking the streets below. On the right hand side of the room was a water cooler, elegantly placed next to a table. Behind the desk was a grand Victorian fireplace, on top of the fire place rested a beautifully hung picture of a large fruit bowl. On the mantel there was a set Russian dolls, painted in a variety of colours, a modern CD player. In front of the sofa was a medium sized coffee table covered in magazines, pamphlets and in the centre a large fruit bowl, filled with a variety of different fruits such as apples, bananas and oranges. A golden, brown throw rested on the back of sofa with its matching cushions scattered on the some of the many chairs amongst the room. The carpet was a beige colour with an old rug sat in the middle; the walls were a simple cream colour with a white ceiling hanging above them.
Rachel looked to the door on the left side of the room nervously. "No, I'm not here for a session, but umm….well I can't explain now, sorry I'm feeling a little bit anxious" The rocking chair going faster and faster with time. "I'm not sure I should've chosen the rocking chair, it's meant to be relaxing but if you get the wrong speed you look a bit manic" She stated manically rocking in the chair. "Rights lets all… calm down shall we…and get on with the show"
Rachel was wandering around the room looking at all the small items the therapist owned when she came to a stand still in the centre of the room, curiously looking at the room. When Rachel's mother came in from the door and saw Rachel stood there looking.
"That was a lovely loo, oh I do like a nice loo" Shelby stated with happiness, and then she started smelling her own hands." Lovely soap as well, smell my hands" Rachel looked at her ludicrously with a 'what the hell' look upon her face. Shelby held her hands for Rachel to smell herself.
"I don't want to smell your hands" Rachel stated as a matter-of-factly, but Shelby persisted. "GET OFF!"
Rachel then spotted the water cooler on the far side of the room and went to grab a cup, while she did that, Shelby turned around and looked out of the door.
"He was on the phone, he should be here any moment" she stated and then turned around to see her daughter getting a cup of water. As Rachel poured the water a large bubble popped within the water tank.
"Sounds like a fart in a bath." Rachel giggled to herself, Shelby looked unimpressed, before going to get more water, but the tap got stuck. "OH, oh help! The tap! The taps stuck." Rachel's mother ran over to help, she grabbed another cup to hold the water but the idea soon failed.
"Get another cup!" Rachel yelled but there weren't any more cups left in the dispenser. "Find a receptacle" she all but yelled and Shelby came back with a bin. "Its wicker mom! Its wicker" She bellowed as the water continued draining out the cooler and wicker bin. Then she went to find another receptacle, when she spotted a briefcase on the mahogany desk, she quickly ran to it and opened then tipped it upside down to empty its contents on the desk, she ran back and placed it under the tap, Shelby leaned down to unplug the water cooler, then Rachel realised. "I've got water in his case" she whisper yelled at her mother, wondering what to do, she had an idea; she then proceeded to drink the water out of the case.
Just then while she was still drinking the water, the therapist came in through the door and looked at Rachel and Shelby strangely, Rachel still holding his brief case. He had slick black hair and tanned skin. He had deep brown almost black eyes, he was tall about 5'11 and had a rich Indian accent.
"Hello" Rachel and Shelby spoke at the same time.
"You must be doctor Figgins, yes good afternoon" Shelby spoke confidently.
"Yes, I was just…drinking your briefcase, umm which might sound a little odd, it's just that I'd wet the floor, I mean...you know I haven't wee'd on it" Rachel carried on speaking after she put the case back in the hands of doctor Figgins.
"Will you just shut up, sorry…haha...now I just wanted to say that we're not here for a session, it was all a silly misunderstanding, there was a little what I call incident in which the police unnecessary got involved, well long story we wont bore you, but to stop Rachel from being arrested and charged I said she was one pashmina short of a wardrobe" she stated will twirling her index finger around her temple.
"I'm not-"Rachel interrupted
"She's not, but the police insisted that we get an assessment from a therapist" Shelby told him.
"That's you-"Rachel interrupted again and bowed to the therapist, then Shelby did the same.
"They initially put me in contact with the one from the-"Shelby mouthed the next words. "NHS but I said I'm not going to the NHS, what are we crack whores" Shelby giggled at her own comment. While Rachel looked at her with wide eyes and disbelief. "So we just need to sit for the session to tell them we've been, can we sit anywhere?" she asked and the man replied by just opening his hands meaning anywhere.
Shelby made for the sofa but Rachel grabbed her wrist before she sit down. "Wait, it might a trick to see which chair we plump for" Rachel said then laughed a bit. "Its good word plump" she looked from her mother to the man. "Plump, just saying it's a good word" Rachel then proceeded to look at chair placed next to desk, it had six wheels and arm rests. "Oh is this one of those ergonomic chairs?" she sat in it and Rachel lifted the chair seat up by its handle. "Up she blows and down she goes" she laughed "Hmmm that's a lovely chair isn't it" she stated as she wheeled herself around the room by her legs, she came to stand still, then she turned around and pushed herself backwards. Then she saw a fabric plant with a button at the side, she pressed it and music filled the room.
"Oh sorry" she tried to turn it off. "Oh you have to wait for it to turn off" the music had a catchy tune and soon Rachel and her mother were both dancing. "Such Fun!" Shelby echoed through out the room. They started by doing the night fever dance, then proceeded to shimmy, when the music stopped Rachel carried on for about another 3 seconds. "It comes to a very abrupt stop" she turned to the plant. "You made me look like a fool."
Shelby then pointed to the sofa and Rachel came and at next to her. "For goodness sake just act normal" Shelby told her and Rachel replied with a hum.
"Well it's now impossible to act normal when you're trying to act normal; I'm so self conscious, I don't know how to sit" Rachel spoke quietly and nervously while moving her legs around to sit normally. "Hands on knees, legs crossed, legs apart, I sort of feel I have too many legs" Rachel sat with beck against her mother and on foot on the sofa and the other on the floor.
"How is that normal?" asked Shelby
"I ca-…it's too hard" replied Rachel while moving to a more…normal position. "Particularly with a physiatrist there, just staring at us and not speaking."
"Hello again" Shelby said to the doctor Figgins, whilst ignoring Rachel.
"Hellooo" Rachel said in a sing song voice.
"Perhaps we should explain why we're here encase your thinking us a little what I call odd, simple story-"Shelby started but Rachel continued.
"See I was at an Ice cream van in a park and a little boy ran across my foot with his wheelie trainer and I dropped my ice cream, and I demanded that this little boy get me a new ice cream and he exploded into tears, just as this very charming girl was jogging past, anyway the girl stopped to see if everything was alright, and to explain to the girl, I told her I was the boys teacher and suddenly the 29 children from the boys class came over and demanded that they get I creams, which I had to get them because I was the teacher and then the girl jogged on-" Rachel spoke explaining the story when Shelby interrupted.
"And I said run after her, keep chatting, I'll get the ice creams, but she didn't then the real teacher came over and asked why I was buying ice creams for children I've never meet before, so we ran…well galloped, cause it's fun isn't it, and the children followed us and then the teacher thought Rachel was trying to kidnap them, and unfortunately there was a police officer in the area who became suspicious, not to mention the ice cream truck following us because we forget to pay, anyway cut a long story short once the armed responses had been stopped we had to go to the station, where I explained that Rachel was one stick short of a lollipop, didn't take much convincing" she stated while pointing at Rachel then Rachel continued.
"They thought it was hereditary" she pointed back at Shelby. "So umm… they let us off as long as we had an assessment"
"So we just need to sit here for the session, we don't need a what I call assessment" Shelby explained for the second time.
"I mean it is an assessment, an assessment is an assessment" she told Shelby while getting annoyed. "I mean you'd call it an assessment if you ever spoke" Rachel snapped at the therapist, then realising what she'd done turned to her mother and giggled for a few seconds. While the therapist just sat there silently.
Rachel then got up and looked at the items on the mantel behind the doctor, when she spotted the Russian dolls.
"OH, I like these" She stated, and then she started to take them apart. "Hello I'm the mammoth one, hello I'm the medium one, and a big turn now I'm the tiny one" she giggled in a high pitched voice, then she grabbed the two pieces from the medium doll and clapped then together, then again and ran across the room like a horse, then she placed them down and saw the telescope.
"Oh do you have naval background?" she questioned, then proceeded in a pirate voice. "AH HAR ma heartes" she looked through the telescope and saw her mothers face at the other end and screamed! She went back to the sofa and sat down.
"You are coming across nutty, I will not have him thinking we have got problems, look at him, poised to write in his pad, just sit quietly, it won't be for long, just act normal!" Shelby raised her voice at Rachel.
"I was being normal-"
"You were being a horse with a Russian doll" Shelby retorted, they both smiled at the therapist and crossed their legs.
"I'm thirsty" Rachel said while looking at the water cooler when Shelby stopped her.
"Get a coffee" Shelby told her and Rachel did just that; she grabbed a cup from the table pushed the button on the coffee pump.
"Oh, has a very confident jet isn't it, sort of a bit like horse weeing, well a horse has a very brazen wee doesn't it" Rachel stopped when she saw her face. "Sorry" she said to her, and then she turned to Figgins. "Sorry"
Just as Rachel sat down the therapist looked and her and started speaking.
"So-"He started but Shelby screamed from surprise and Rachel pilled her coffee on her pants. She jumped up from her seat and started fiddling with her pants.
"ARGGH, hot coffee in sensitive parts!" she continued to fiddle with the hem of her pants not knowing what to do. "OH and I hate a wet pant, I'm going to have to take my trouser off" She stated and went behind the couch to take them when she saw the golden throw and grabbed it from its resting place.
"I shall use this as a sarong if I may" she sated as a matter-of-factly.
"That's actually quite an expensive silk mix throw" He told her but she didn't listen.
"Well a pair of tough titties to you sir" she retorted back, she finally had her pants of and was in the stage of wrapping the throw around her waist. "I am not wondering around in my pants and if you'd said rather that then me wearing your silk mix throw then you are doubty"
She grabbed her pants from the floor and walked over to the coat stand. She waved her around to dry then a bit before she placed them on the stand. Then she started doing the hula back to her mother.
"A hula, hula, hula, hula" She giggled at her little dance, and then she sat down next to her mother. She picked up coffee cup again and just as she was about to take a drink…
"So Rachel question-"He started but Rachel interrupted.
"Tell me what you think about me" she started to sing and Shelby just sat there with a smile on her face. "Just a bit of beyonce really" She told him, and then he started again.
"Rachel question-"Once again he was interrupted
"Tell me what you think about this" She continued with a smile.
"Fun you seem to be avoiding the question, so Rachel do you often lie?" He asked naturally.
"No" She told him. She turned to her mother. "I just did"
"You are so kind to so an interest but there nothing to discuss, we're only here so we can say we've been, I'll pay you of course, in fact how much do you charge?" Shelby asked politely.
"Its $200" He told them whilst looking through some papers
Rachel and Shelby both looked at each other, wide eyed and disbelief across their faces.
"200 dollars" they looked at each other again. "200 dollars"
"Should've gone on the NHS, well for that amount of money you can ask him why you mouth certain words, although usually you get them the wrong way round" Rachel told her mother, while Shelby looked at her with a 'what are you talking about' look upon her face.
"What do you mean?" She questioned Rachel
"Well the other day at the clinic you said 'Lauren Zizes has been diagnosed obese' she heard!" Rachel told her mother truthfully.
"Well you do it, say sex-"Shelby retorted back to her daughter
"sex-Physiatrist present" Rachel said before the discussion could continue
"So is there anything you'd like to talk about to make use of this time?" Figgins asked them.
"No" They both answered in unison.
"We don't want to start to talk about our childhoods, particularly Rachel, such an ugly baby, her father insisted that we put the baby grows on upside down!" She laughed at the thought. "Such Fun!"
"Do you want to talk about that Miranda?" Figgins asked her while Shelby continued to laugh.
"No, no" she just replied. "No I don't want to start talking childhood, oh yeah she got rid of my dog once, although you did" She said to her mother.
"Well it kept pooping in the house" Shelby replied back vengefully
"Only because you would let her out for what I call poo-portunities, I could blame you-"she started but Shelby cut her off.
"Therapist present" Shelby reminded her. They both smiled at him.
Rachel started to shuffle on the couch, which didn't go unnoticed by her mother.
"What are you doing?" She asked Rachel ludicrously.
"I've got an awkward itch" She whispered back. "I'm going to have to do a fast walk to get rid of it" She explained. She got up and did a fast walk around the couch but it didn't work so she did a one footed jog to the therapist.
"That did it" She yelled. She then proceeded to do a circular walk around the centre of the room. "We've got people who do that in the shop I work at, I call the sweep browse, you know when you walk in a shop and think there's nothing I want here, you do a little circular walk around the shop and it's the SWEEP BROWSE!" She explained to the therapist.
She sat back down next to her mother and leaned on the back of the sofa to relax.
"It's a good word browse, isn't it browse, defiantly a female word, thrust… male word, the queen of all words…moist, the king of all words…plinth, imagine a moist plinth, oh lovely" She rambled out loud.
"Do you think you could stop talking any time soon?" Shelby questioned and challenged at the same time.
"Of course" She replied cockily. She started to hum a song out loud.
"No humming" Shelby told her. She started to whistle.
"No whistling" Shelby stated. Then she started to mouth words with her eyes closed.
"No pretending your singing at Wembley" Shelby retorted. While Rachel just grinned cheekily.
Rachel went to get more coffee when the therapist started to write in his notebook.