WARNING: DRUG OVERDOSES, SELF-HARM, SUICIDE
Trigger warnings
"Dan," Phil said.
I looked up. I had been editing a new video- a new Dan and Phil vs Tumblr kind of thing. Maybe, "Dan and Phil call for Tumblr Rematch?" Phil had been playing Winterbells again. I didn't see how that game could be so bloody addicting at times.
"Yeah?"
"I was thinking… do you want a break?"
I leaned back in my chair. "Well, it depends on what kind of break," I replied cautiously.
"Like,-like, just," Phil was having a hard time explaining. "Just, disappear. To get away from the crowds, I mean."
Dammit. Phil could get me to do anything. I'd jump off a cliff if he told me to. If he was having trouble asking me to basically run away with him, it meant he was probably getting a hard time with the fans.
Even heaven couldn't help me now. I knew our relationship wouldn't last forever. I wanted our time to last. This little stunt I knew I'd be willing to pull for him? This was gonna take me down.
Phil let out a little whoop of happiness as I begrudgingly said yes and nearly skipped back to his room to pack a bag. Once again, it hit me how tall he was. I was used to being the tallest one in a room, having to always slouch down to make myself fit in. Phil was so tall. That, and he was handsome as hell.
Phil's dark personality almost never saw the light of day, but at this moment I kinda wished it would tag along. Phil's spontaneous trip had me surprised, and I wondered what other things he would shock me with as I walked to my room. But when his other side appeared, it was controlled and -to be honest?- a bit sexy.
As we walk laughing out of our apartment, I could see the end of the road. We were going to grow apart, go our separate ways. Phil would find someone else, but I knew that I wouldn't get over him. He had built me up from nothing. We had both come out, but it wasn't common knowledge. I thought about the one wish I had.
I just wanted him to remember me. Nothing more, nothing less. I wanted to leave an impression on this beautiful person, be able to say we had been together and kissed and told secrets. I wanted him to remember me in a good light. I didn't care if I never saw him again in person. I just wanted him to see me again, even if it was just in his wildest dreams.
--I have to page break here-
Phil and I laid in his hotel room bed. We had left London and traveled to some country town off the grid. Phil was too tired to go to the bedroom in the next room, so he just collapsed next to me. It was getting close to the time when the maids or cleaners or whatever you call them would be here. I eyed Phil's shirt on the ground as he played with my hair. We were curled into each other, warmth seeping into our bodies. He was lightly humming, and I swear I could've recognized his voice from a mile away. I remembered the first kiss, the time we decided to sleep in the same bed. Phil had been anxious about how this would change our relationship. I remember whispering in his ear, "No one has to know."
Again, there would be a time when we were separated. Maybe going to a nursing home- or more likely, one of us dying. A tiny voice told me to walk away, to mend the small part of my heart before the whole thing was shattered, but I couldn't. Our relationship was just getting good.
As the time ticked by Phil finally slid out of bed, the green pajama pants he wore accentuating his height. Most people had no idea what it was like to always look down on your friends. I actually wasn't going to break my neck at thirty now that my roommate was Phil. He came out of the bathroom wearing a white T-shirt and black sweatpants, his hair a ruffled halo around his head. The sunlight streaming through the windows cast shadows across his delicate bones and darkened his lips. My breath hitched in my throat as he walked towards me, the sunlight that had blinded me fading until he took up my line of vision. His eyes locked on mine before he looked away and nervously smiled at me.
The impact of our sudden trip hit me. People would be worried, but I didn't care. Phil had taken a chance, disappeared with me into thin air. I would take advantage of this side of him for as long as I could. My last request- to have Phil remember me -would be completed to the best of my ability.
"Phil…"
He turned around. "Yeah?"
"Will you do something for me?"
A smile graced his mouth as he replied, "Anything."
I got up and stood in front of him, caressing his chin with my hand. "Remember me."
I saw that his mouth was opening to ask more questions, so I shut it with mine. I melted into him as he put his arms on my waist. My right hand stayed on his shoulder as I curled my left hand into the hair at the base of his neck. The kiss lasted hours in my newfound deliria, but probably only mere seconds passed. Eventually, we had to break away to breathe. Phil's eyes were bright and he was lightly panting from the absence of air. I smiled at him, and he laughed. "Come on," he said. "Let's go find something to do."
-Boy, do I love page breaks-
We sat on a hill overlooking the lake. The sun was hovering over the horizon, sending streaks of color into the sky. The reds mixed with the golds that melted into the indigos right before the darkness. The golden light shot out and completely covered us. Our fingers were intertwined, resting on both our legs. Phil's blue eyes darted around, and I knew he wanted to tell me something. Before I could ask, however, he got up and walked behind me. I looked back at him, asking the unspoken question with my eyes. In response, he pulled out a small camera and held it up. I started lightly laughing and he snapped a picture in that moment.
He sat down next to me and finally looked up. "Dan," he started. I squeezed his hand, telling him to go on.
Phil took a breath, steeling himself. "I can't," he blurted.
I froze. What?
"What I mean is," He continued, "I love you. And I would spend the rest of my life with you if I could. But," he sighed, looking down, "I found someone else."
That was the moment my world came crashing down.
This trip was never about us. It was about having good last memories as a couple. Phil had moved on. There was nothing I could do to make this better. I swallowed. My face would not betray the immense pain I felt. No tears would fall, no lip would wobble. I needed to move on. Right now.
"Okay," I croaked before clearing my throat. "Okay," I said, stronger this time. "If that's what you want."
Phil smiled sadly. "Please don't be mad at me. I just don't think this could work out as long as we hoped it could. I believe it's better to let go now and save us the pain."
Save us the pain? I was drowning in it as he spoke. At that moment, I believed it was possible to die of a broken heart. It certainly felt like it. I shoved it deep down, collecting it for later.
Phil looked at me for the last time. "I love you, Dan Howell."
I clamped my hand over my mouth, stifling my sobs as I watched Phil Lester walk out of my life.
-SIX MONTHS LATER-
I lean against the doorframe and open the door, admitting the seven year old in a purple dress. "Here ya' go, Mr. Dan," she says, setting the mail down on the table and heading down the hallway. I chuckle as I close the door and follow her deeper inside the apartment. I avoid looking at Phil's old room as I walk to the kitchen. Angelina is already rummaging through my fridge when I arrive.
"That's enough, little monkey," I scold jokingly after spotting the package of string cheese she demanded I keep in her hands. She squeals as I pick her up.
"Put me down!" she exclaims, collapsing in fits of giggles. She takes about three individual packages of cheese before scampering out of my apartment. In exchange for her bringing me my mail, she got string cheese. I laugh out loud and fix the fridge that Angie had totally messed up before grabbing the pile of mail and slumping onto the couch. I throw aside the bills and grown-up stuff I still had to take care of before looking at the last paper in my hands. My mood dulls as I take in the fancy curling script declaring I was invited. I hate going to social events. I used to have Phil, but he was gone now.
My hands shake as I carefully lift the front of the card. I am invited to the wedding of….tears blur my eyes as I drop the card on the floor. I am invited to the wedding of Philip Lester and Stephen Roberts. I feel my heart break in two. It's done, over. Whatever hope I had been harboring that Phil would come back to me is now crushed. I don't want to go on.
My movements mechanical, I walk toward the cupboard where I keep my anti-depressants. I scribble a note- Don't let Angie in - and tape it to the outside of my apartment door before locking it. I pour a glass of water and gulp down at least five of the pills in my hand. I wasn't counting.
I walk into the bathroom and turn on the water. As a last thought, I dart back to the kitchen and grab the sharpest knife I can find.
See me in hindsight
A memory of the last picture Phil took of my flashes in my mind.
Tangled up with you all night
The bathwater cuts off as I remember our last night together.
Burning it down
My heart hurts as I get into the lukewarm bathwater, fully clothed.
Someday when you leave me
The day he left me pushes to the front of my mind, but I force it back with a red line on my arm.
I'll bet these memories
I hope Phil remembers me for who I am
Follow you around.
I just want him to remember me, I think, frantically scratching at my arm. The aimless marks slowly resolve into words, albeit ones I cannot read through my fluttering eyelids and tears. I distantly register the bathwater is pink now. I'm riding on fresh waves of pain as reality slowly fades into the distance. With my last breath, I whisper a last line to Phil before my arm falls limp in the water, my head rests on the edge of the tub, and my eyes flutter closed. It was over….
When I open them again, I am greeted with an open sky the exact color of Phil's eyes.
-Third Person Neutral-
Phil Lester sat on the couch in his living room, next to his fiance Stephen Roberts. They both solemnly looked at the TV as the emotionless news anchor reported a suicide across the city. Steph didn't want to watch, but Phil knew it was a big deal from all the police cars he could see. They were all blocking his sight, but something about the scene was familiar….?
Finally, they cut from the on-scene reporter to a stage. The press crowded the room, cramming as many people in as they could. A policeman walked on stage and started giving the report. Overdose on antidepressants, drowning, "But there were a few more unusual things," he continued. "A knife was left at the scene. We found words inscribed on the man's arm, reading 'I still love you'. A note was taped to the door, instructing not to let 'Angie' in, possibly referring to Angelina Hoffert, a seven year old in the building. They had a bond after the girl brought him his mail every morning for, as she says, a payment in string cheese.
"We will say, however, that the man was identified as twenty-five year old Daniel Howell, better known as danisnotonfire on his YouTube channel…."
The man's voice faded as Phil realized what was happening. Dan was dead. He had killed himself. Phil mentally kicked himself, over and over again. Dan had never mended after the breakup while Phil had been out on dates, laughing, and kissing his now-fiance. Phil would never get to say goodbye. Dan had left one last message for him. One that he didn't deserve.
Phil flashed back to that night in the countryside when he and Dan had slept together. Phil had been awake, thinking of ways to break the ice when Dan had rolled over and whispered a line, and hummed three notes. If only Phil could remember.
He did remember the three notes, though. He hummed them to himself as Steph turned off the TV and led him into bed. He knew Dan and Phil had been together once, but Phil had assured him it was done.
As Phil hummed the notes to himself, he swore to never forget his best friend and first love, Dan Howell.
-Oh, no-
The lines Dan had whispered on those two different nights were connected.
"In your wildest dreams, ah-ha, ha."
-I am really sorry-
Phil got married a month later and drank away his sorrows on his wedding night. He never did forget Dan. On Steph and Phil's one year anniversary, they adopted a little girl and named her Danielle in memory of Phil's late best friend.
-I hope you liked it?-
Wow. Sorry. I didn't mean for it to get that dark! I swear!
Please leave any requests in the comments please!