Disclaimer; We don't own Twilight. Heck, if we did, we'd be multi gazillionaires with no time to write the shit that is processed from our arse.

Enjoy :)

Grace + Shelbs

Televisions all around the world flickered into life. On the international broadcast was a stage where a flamboyantly pink backdrop swayed sexily and a single stool stood erect, causing a single school girl to giggle at the word choice. No one paid much attention to the now empty setting...

That is, until a man walked on screen and sat himself rather too delicately on the seat. As he looked up, half the people in the worlds eyes swivelled to the screen in unison. The noise itself cause a tsunami, although, the sheer state of awe that the world was in prevented anyone from dying.

Edward Cullen sat on the stool. Now, one would presume that people would be rooted to their seats in fear. However, the mass romanticisation of vampires caused a world wide hard on, figuratively speaking of course... No, but seriously, nine months after this broadcast was made, the population had such a massive boost that the moon was colonised. THE FUCKING MOON, PEOPLE!

Said vampire cleared his throat delicately and the noise itself caused legions of fans to combust from ecstasy. Unaware of the stir he was causing, Edward began to speak.

'Citizens of Earth, I have an announcement to make!' He proclaimed in a voice which was pitched far too highly for a man. Looking down at the cards the he held in his gloved hands, he continued.

'For the past few years, I have been repressing something inside me. It is something that I have tried hard to ignore but sadly, I can deny it no longer.' At this, the various viewers around the world moaned at the angst ridden blood related confession sure to follow. A single, unheard voice somewhere in the Amazon replied, 'Is it a woman? They always give me indigestion...'

Alas, the angst whores pleasure was not to come to fruition.

'I am,' Edward began uncertainly. He coughed delicately to hide his discomfort. He continued to stutter for several hours whilst fans still watched with rapt attention.

'Oh fuck it,' He proclaimed, springing from his seat and tearing his clothes of to reveal tight short shorts and a bare torso.

'I'm gay!' He lisped happily and promptly began making out with several men at once. The Amazon man blinked in suprise, he hadn't seen that coming.

At his words, mass suicide occurred around the world as the die hard EC fans found they could no longer bare a world where kinky, demeaning Edward Cullen sex wasn't feasible.

Meanwhile, deep in the hole that was Forks, Bella Swan had just woken up...

...but we will leave her bitchy whinings for a moment.

Meanwhile, statistics showed (Yes!! Statistics, people!!) that half of the womanly population of the world had either lost their fertility or had simple imploded in the ovaries.

Meanwhile, the other half (masochistic fangirls who are into that kind of gay thing) and all the fanboys were on Cloud 9.

CLOUD 9! THERE WAS CUM EVERYWHERE!!!

But not really.

Isabelle Swan had woken up,and stretched daintily in the gloom of the morning.

"Oh! I have arisen! I wonder, do I look stunning? Of course I do!" she giggled stupidly.

Looking out the window, already mournful that her freakshow hadn't arrived to give her oral pleasure, she pouted and threw her pillow at the window, smashing it with the concealed brick inside.

"EDWARD! ME WANT EDWARD!! ME WANT EDWARD!!" she roared crazily, and commenced smashing her valuables that the spoilt bitch had recieved from her doting boyfrind.

Downstairs, Charlie placed his earmuffs over his head as the mourning ritual, which he had come to know as "The Great Edward Tantrum", took place in the evil lair of the screaming girl.

Upstairs, Bella had succeded in destroying th east wall, ripping her underclothes to shreds and smearing the ceiling with her faeces, when Edward suddenly flitted through the window daintily.

"Edward!" she squealed as he gagged at the sight of Bella smeared in shit and the offturning smell.

"Oh! You are much too disgusting for me to deal with anymore! Bella, I'm gay!" he squealed as he ran away from her around the room.

Bella stopped and stared stupidly.

"Gay?"

Edward frowned.

"Yes. I like men now."

"Gay?" Bella repeated slowly.

"Uhh.."

Edward was about to continue, but was interrupted by,

"But you only love me!!"

"Oh dayum," he thought, "this is going to be difficult."

"Bella," he said, stepping towards her whilst dusting the crumbs of poo off himself daintily, "I like men, You are not a male. I don't LIKE you. I'm not ATTRACTED to you. Plus you always cover yourself in shit, Now what the FUCK is that all about?"

Bella teared up in the eyes, but stopped as a somewhat devious plan came to mind.

"Men you say?"

Edward sighed and covered his face with a hand.

"When will the dumb bitch comprehend what I'm saying??" he comprehended out loud.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Well," continued Bella, the evil grin becoming larger, "what if I... GOT A SEX CHANGE?"

Edward glared at her.

"You know what? You blood always smelt like shit to me anyway. And I mean shit. I mean... shit. You are just soooo grrooooossss!!!!! Eee!!!"

With that, Edward punted Bella across the world to China, where she was torn to bits by jealous fangirls but only her eyeball survived which became a famous prostitute known as Michael Jackson.

There was a shout of jubilation from Charlie downstairs, he came up to hump Edwards leg in appreciation.

They both ended up having sex.

Sweaty, hairy, oldman sex.

Fuck yes.

But not really.

A/N; Offended? THEN GTFO!!!

If not, then you also share the sense of humour that we love you for.

COUNT CHOCULA FOREVER!!!