Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

Chapter 1

Sarah felt irritable. It wasn't because she was currently attempting to balance a large tiger pelt. It wasn't even because the said pelt had covered her in blood, or because their console let out an obnoxious beep the moment they stepped in the room. The real reason for her mood was that she had just stubbed her toe, tripped, and now a warg was growling at her for stepping on its… ok, her… tail.

"For the love of Eru Alana, call off your warg!"

Or you could apologise.

"Since when do you talk? Er, sort of talk. Or something." The assassin was still rather confused on the method of communication used by the SO (Sunflower Official) and the various array of Plants In Charge around here.

Alana looked as though Christmas had come early. Or would have, had she liked Christmas. "Zenith! Did MakesThings equip you with telepathic crap? And a universal translator chip?"

That's be it, but What'sHerName said warg language not translate into English well.

"Well, you don't have hands, so you can't exactly manage PPC equipment, but now you can come along with us! Wait… no pets are allowed, and you may count as one. But you can hang out here and keep an eye on things."

"Oh joy," Sarah mumbled very quietly, climbing to her feet. Alana glared.

I think there is message waiting. And mission. What'sHerName gave me inf…informashan to read on PPC while you gone.

Alana glanced at the screen. "Ok, we have a problem."

"What's up?" The older assassin motioned toward the console.

To PPC Response Center 83:

Please come to the mail depot immediately to claim your box.

Before everything goes up into flames.

-Sincerely,

L. Otik, Mail Depot

"And we've got a mission. And we've got to get the tiger to MakesThings lab so it'll dry. And my CAD that the Sue managed to break with Boromir's horrible character rupture. You, Sarah, pick up whatever's at the mail depot. I'll take the fur. Meet back here in five minutes?"

"Right."

Sarah approached the mail depot with trepidation. She raised her hand to knock, but it quickly swung open. She found herself ushered inside by Otik, a very hassled looking, seven foot tall piece of… wood.

Please get it out of here. Now. He gestured toward a large smoking box, equipped with holes. Air holes. Sarah's puzzled expression was immediately replaced with one of delight. Hastily pulling out one of her throwing knives, she managed to rip apart the duct tape in under ten seconds. And out emerged…

"Udomiel!"

And with that, Sarah threw her arms around the mini-Balrog.

Mini-Balrogs don't speak, but for all that, Udomiel and Zenith seemed to be getting along beautifully. A warg contentedly curled up on a bear skin rug in a corner (with cute-animal-friend feathers still sticking to its mouth) alongside a mini, who is quietly snoozing on its fireproof blanket, is not a sight to be missed.

The two agents were now quietly preparing for their next mission. Unfortunately, there had been no time to shower off. Sarah in particular hated this. A change of new clothes doesn't do you a whole lot of good if your body is covered with blood and grime.

"Incredible. She spells Tolkien's name wrong in her disclaimer. How fitting."

Sarah laced her throwing knives with poison and said nothing.

"And she's… ok, looks like we've got a Japanese culture obsessed author, and when I say obsessed, I don't mean into obscure anime. That makes sense. I mean that she likes Avatar: The Last Air Bender.

"Sad."

"And the Sue is trained in the arts of the samurai. And she's got two sisters, they're all identical triplets. But they figure the ring doesn't really have anything to do with them, so they don't go with the Fellowship. Anyhow, it's a Legomance, the usual." Alana brought up a portal. "We're going to skip over their childhood and training and crap, it's only two chapters anyway. Disguise… orcs."

"Rivendell, here we come."

Apparently, there was an Autumn Feast, a sign of slow preparation for the Spring. Despite the fact that there was still a whole season to go before spring. "Put that on the charge list," muttered Alana. "Time distortion."

"Look, it's Legolas!"

"What in Eru's name is he wearing?"

It was a very valid question. In the words of the author…

He was clad in many shades of green with a few hints of blue, all covered with a cape, that almost looked like it was silver, the way it gleamed in the sunlight.

Sarah and Alana were well trained. Like every other employee of the PPC, they had been shown the infamous No-Drool videos… which were very effective. However, it was a fortunate thing that Legolas wore a cape which covered everything, because no female who finds males attractive could be expected not to ogle Legolas clad only in shades of green. Enough said.

"Council's about to start."

The assassins took their places behind a handy bush. Alana read over what they had missed. "Did you know that there are plains just outside Rivendell?"

"Reading these things can't be healthy."

Menkaure, the Mary-Sue, was busy telling her sisters to be quiet and stop staring. Apparently, despite being identical twins, they all had different eyes. One had burgundy, the other sage green. Unsurprisingly, the Mary-Sue's were a crystal-blue, almost silver if the light was in the right angle, and she could've sworn that her oldest daughter's eyes flashed with serenity, hope and beauty beyond anything seen before. Almost like a Celestial Being that came from the Heavens according to their mother. The flashing serenity, hope and all of that gave the agents a headache.

Annoyingly, the ring didn't seem to have the same affect on Mary-Sue as it did on everyone else. Something was tugging at her heart, telling her to leave at once. "I wish she would leave."

Alana glanced down. The Sue was looking at each individual and reading their character. Wonderful. And then…

"…it is evil", she barely spoke above a whisper.

"You think that using what the enemy has made will make you stronger? Do you think that something that the enemy has created will protect you from them? Do you know what happens when something the enemy falls into good hands? It turns them evil; it turns you against your allies. It clouds your mind, making you want to become a part of the enemy, wanting you to do its bidding. Using you so it can obtain what was lost. I would think it very unwise if you used that of which belongs to the enemy."

"Oh shut up. Nobody needs you here."

It seemed as thought the council would continue as it was meant to (in the movie anyway), despite the constant references to how attractive Legolas was, when Mekaure decided to ruin it all by joining the Fellowship.

She turned to her other sisters. All who had looks of deep malice etched on their faces.

"Will you not join me, sisters?"

"You offer help, when you do not know these people. And yet you talk to them as though you have known them your entire life."

"I agree," muttered Alana. "It's stupid." Sarah suddenly grinned.

"Hey, can I see that?"

"Be my guest."

Sarah skimmed over the words briefly. "Idea. I have an idea."

Alana briefly cringed as Elrond announced "Ten members. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring." Then she eyed her partner warily.

"What is it?"

"Sisters. Those sisters. You know how Upstairs promises vacation for recruiting?"

"Yeah…"

"So let's recruit them! We won't have enough of a charge list to kill them anyway. They come here because they were supposed to, but they don't mess with events, they don't stick their noses where they don't belong, they become enemies with their Mary-Sue sister… or at least they probably will, since they tell her as much, and they're perfect! Only downside is their powers over fire and earth."

"Could be useful for killing Mary-Sues. You may be onto something."

Sarah smiled. Of course she was. Then she tripped on a strategically placed plothole.

The world simply isn't fair.

Thankfully, the story had not lingered upon the Mary-Sue's time in Imladris. The agents had settled for portaling to Moria, where they now followed the Fellowship at a safe distance.

She answered with glee and was happy to see that other members of the fellowship took interest as a woman was ensnaring a powerful wizard with history of an unknown land.

"Is it just me, or was that an incredibly Sueish statement?"

She noticed that the Hobbits sat with ripe attention. They were captivated by her words, as she was captivated by how they could eat so much in one day. But her love for the Hobbits didn't go unnoticed.

"Ripe… ripe what? She did mean 'rapt' didn't she?

"She said ripe. Ripe attention."

The assassins listened grimly as she described her background, and everything that made her so speshul.

"The shrine in the back of the house was built for one sole purpose, to protect the inhabitants and keep evil away. The shrine was also protected by three legendary creatures. A Leviathan, a White Wolf, and a Phoenix. These creatures protected the shrine and also, even a mystery to me, the people who were born under their respective elements, Water, Earth and Fire. This was only the case if a family bore identical triplets of the same sex, be it either three girls or three sons, all with identical appearance and mental traits. Some cases were that the parents couldn't distinguish their own children apart. But our mother and father were the luck ones; for my sisters and my eyes are different from each other. My eyes are a crystal-blue that represent Water, thus I am the Leviathan. The middle sister, Maharet, her eyes are piercing emerald green, thus she represents Earth and the White Wolf. Miya, her eyes are burgundy, thus she represents Fire and the Phoenix."

"You realise that's physically impossible? If they're identical, they have the same genes. Not all of the same DNA but the part that codes for your eyes."

"Stop looking for logic in these stories. It's taking a vacation."

Much to their dismay, the Mary-Sue explained that she had some sort of sacred water within her that healed her of any wound she received. Or something equally ridiculous. "Shit. Another magical healer."

And then, Gandalf pondered this until it hurt for him to think. "She's turned Gandalf into an idiot!" exclaimed Sarah. Alana looked, for lack of a better phrase, pissed off. And when Alana is pissed off, bad things happen.

Even more annoying was the Mary-Sue's attempt to sound wise through use of stupid metaphors. "And I thought Elves were not fond of Dwarves, I see you captivated by this underground city as though a child captivated by pastries shown to him through glass."

Really stupid.

The Author's Note: It may take a bit of time for the next chapter to go up, due final exams. However, the more reviews I get, the more I'm inclined to post… wink wink And if you don't know what a mini-Balrog is, shame on you. Visit the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth. Or if you don't want to...

"For every name spelled wrong in 'Rings

A mini-Balrog gets its wings."