One last chance of.
Plot: One shot. Dr. Doofensmirtz is feeling lonely again and thinks backs to the girl he liked in high school and wants another chance.
Just got done watching that episode of Phineas and Ferb where a thing crashes into their yard and they reverse engineer it and Dr. D has that flash back about him going on a date with Linda and I couldn't help myself.
...
Tick. Tock. Tick Tock. Tick. Dr. Doofensmirtz tapped at his watch once more, where the blaizes was Perry the Platypus? He was never this late for their battles. He looked up at the clock again, he was an hour and a half late! They could have been done by now and he could easily be plotting his next evil sceme but nooooooooo!
"He so better not be with another evil doctor!" Heinz snapped crossing his arms and begining to pout,"I mean it's ok for me to cheat on him with another agent but I'm evil! What could his excuse be? Huh? I may not remember our anniversary but he's a platypus what does he care?"
The realization of that statement stung him like an angery hornet. He was jealouse of a platypus cheating on him. A platypus. A smart platypus who could beat him up but a platypus all the same. He plopped down on his couch with a deep sigh, not of evil (well maybe alittle evil) but more of saddness. He picked up the remote control and stared at it for a second.
"Remoty the remote control, what am I doing with my life?"
"Your talking to inanimate objects, getting beat up by a platypus and failing at every thing you do!" the cheerfull voice of norm chimed in.
"Shut up, Norm!" he yelled out chucking the controlor in the direction of his voice but missed by a long shot hitting dairyawayinator's self destruct button. With a loud, KA BOOM! half his lair was destroyed. Ash and debri littered around him covering the undestroyed half of his home and a cool breaze crept in bringing a shiver to Doofensmirtz. He sighed pulling out his mini tv from under the counch coushin ( he kept it there in the emergency that his lair would blow up and he would be left without electricty once more) and flipped it on.
"Now in concert Lindanna! On her come back come back come back tour!" the annoucer acclaimed in the commercial as live consert footage began to play.
"Hey, Norm, I went on a date with her once." Heinz said thinking back to her remembering how hot she used to be and was surprised to see she hadn't gotten fat. Before he met his ex wife, he was obsessed with her but he was too uncool to even approach her back then and was sad to say he was way too uncool to make their relationship work. But maybe her coolness could overshadow his uncoolness?
"How did you mess it up?" He glared over at the giant smiling robot.
"Hey! I don't see you with anyone in your life your giant toaster!" he snapped an evilish plot coming to mind,"And if I wanted to I could totally make her my wife and we could make evil music to brain wash people into worshiping me!"
"I'll be here for you to cry on when you fail."
"Shut up Norm!"
...
Linda walked into the kitchen smiling seeing her family all together sitting around the table. It made her proud to be a mother when she saw them all together and Candice not obsessively trying to bust her little brothers.
"Hey mom!" Phineas acclaimed a bright smile across his face.
"Hello, Phineas, what are you planning on doing today?"
"We're going to make a giant donut for police appreciation day."
"Oh, how sweet dear," she says watching her daughter's eye twitch slightly.
"They are too," she finally piped in Linda only nodding to her out burst,"And they're going to make a giant oven or something to make it in and then its all going to magically disappear and make me look insane, for you see the universe hates me."
"Oh it doesn't hate you dear," she said shaking her head to Candice's teenage hormones messing with her once more,"You just need to learn to get used to the universe."
"So honey," Lawence said wishing to change the subject,"I hear your in for another come back tour."
"Yes in a couple more days," she says with a smile pouring herself a cup of coffee,"I'm going off to the salon to get myself ready today, wanna join me Candice?"
"For the concert sure, salon no," she responed taking another bite of her cereal,"I'm going with Jeromy to the pet show and am going to enter Perry, ohhh there is no way that monsterous poodle is going to win this year."
"That's nice dear," she says with a smile watching Candice grab Perry before he could run off again.
Saying her good byes to her family she left the house like she did everyday, but this time not heading to the grocery store. She often wondered why she had to go so much but she fingered that making a pie a day was going to break you eventually. She went to the salon and everything was fine as usuall as she got her hair done to make her look more like her twenty year old self. Her day was normal as usual. She had gotten twenty calls in the last five minutes from her daughter, who apperantly won the pet show but had come home to find her brothers doing- something. She sighed considering taking her daughter to therapy for her overly obsessive behavior but that thought would have to wait as she felt herself bump into someone accidently on the way to her car in a dark parking garage.
"I'm sorry," she says gently helping the man off the ground,"I didn't see you there."
"It's alright," he said picking himself up denying her held out hand and grabbing the bouquet from under his butt where it had fallen and now just hung limply in his hand making him scowl.
"These are lovely," Linda said ackwadly acepting the flowers,"Who are you?"
"Oh! Come on!" he acclaimed arms flinging up,"Don't you remember me? It's me Heinz Doofensmirtz!"
She just stared at him and he sighed annoyedly contiuing his rant,"I sat behind you in Geometry? I think you would remember me...I mean I did steal all those locks of your hair and then you let me take you out of pity after your brawny ex boyfriend beat me up and flushed my science project down the toilet causing the school to flood."
She scrunched her eyes trying to bring back the memory and then nervously said 'Oh' then finally remember her ex boyfriend who was on his way to being her ex husband she laughed slightly proclaiming another 'Oh!'. Doofensmirtz stood there as she began to laugh, the flowers slipping from her fingers.
"I remember you!" she said wipping back her tears of laughter making Heinz brows slit down,"Mr. I'm too cheap to buy another movie ticket!"
"Tickets were expensive!" he snapped arms once more flinging up.
Holding back her laughter she looked at him,"So how have you been?"
"Ehhh..." he began shrugging his shoulders,"Been through a divorse, had a daughter who I am pretty sure hates me, get foyled on a daily basis by a platypus and am now planning on marrying you."
She stopped laughing now looking at him with a disturbed expression slightly wondering if he was off his meds for thinking a platypus could foyl anyone (they don't do much you know!) but didn't mention it as she said calmly,"I'm sorry, Heinz. But I'm a happilly married woman now with a wonderfull family, I can't give that up because of your mid life crisis."
"Oh come on!" he snaps,"I'm cool! I can give you the world baby! Well, after you give me the world by singing these songs I have composed that subliminally tell people to love and worship me as their supreme ruler of course. And I guess I should restate 'world' because only people around the tristate area listen to you and go to your conserts so I guess we'll only have that. But hey! It's a start!"
He ranted on and on handing her the music and lyric sheets making her wonder if she should laugh or call the cops.
"Heinz," she said gently watching his eyes brighten as she flipped through the papers,"The only lyrics are 'I'm lindana and wish for you to love and worship my husband Heinz Doofensmirtz' I don't think this is very subliminal or accurate at that matter."
His eyes darkened at the words and his face now held an angery tone as he stared to her seriosly making her very nervouse now.
"Alright, I didn't want it to come to this but..." he grabbed out a gun from his jacket making her heart practically stop and her arms instinctivly shoot up,"Behold my Lovemeinator! With one blast and you will fall head over heals in love with me and do anything I ask of you."
Sighing she took her hands down slowly rolling her eyes,"Why don't you just use that on the tristate area? It will not only make you a star able to get any other woman who's not married but they would worship you if you asked them too."
"Ummm..." he said scratching the back of his head honestly never thinking of that possibility,"Shut up! Our relationship might not have worked in high school but what makes you think it won't work now? Huh?"
As he began to rant about how she didn't even know he was a loser and should give him a try. She rolled her eyes picking her cell phone out of her pocket and calling the police. She figured she was too old to have a stalker. She laughed remembering her first restaining order in 1986 and wondered if Heinz had been the man she gave it to.
...
"Curse you Lindanna the pop star!" Doofensmirtz cried as the cops pulled him into the cop car bound in hand cuffs,"Curse you!"
She shook her head turning to the police officer telling him about what had happened. She smiled seeing her husband and children rush over to her. She kissed Lawence on the cheek as he approached her.
"Busy day dear?" he asked in his soft brittish accent.
"Yes, yes it was..." she said with a smile,"So, Candice, what was it you wanted to show me?"
Her daughter scowled turning her head away,"Oh, never mind...the cops came and ate it before you had a chance to get home anyway."
She just smiled looking at her family feeling like everything was back to normal and said what she felt she always had to end days like this with,"Who wants pie?"
...
Heinz sat in his dirty jail cell feeling a bit heartbroken. He knew in his heart that this plan would have never worked but he supposed that every one went through that point in their life where they just wanted to kidnapp their high school crush and force them to marry you and have a contrived relationship for the rest of your life. He sighed resting his head in the palm of his hands not entirely liking the look his cell mate was giving him.
"Doorkensmirtz," the guard said making him snapp his head up angerily.
"It's Doofensmirtz! Not Doorkensmirtz!" he acclaimed the guard just rolling his eyes.
"A Mr. Perry the Platypus is here to bail you out," he said simply opening the prison door.
"Perry the Platypus!" he yelled in a shocked mannor walking out to see his arch nemesis. A smile across his face.
"You do care!" he said with teary eyes as they walked out of the police station. Perry just shook his head making the weird noise he always did in reponse.
"Oh, thank you Perry the Platypus," he said wiping the tears from his eyes then looking to him angerily crossing his arms adding,"And curse you! If you had shown up earlier and heard my evil pot to get rid of everything dairy from the tristate area and heard my embarrassing backstory about how I found out I was lactosintoliate I would never have gone into plan B of trying to force marriage on a successfull ex girlfriend of mine. So curse you."
Perry just made that strange little noise of his making Heinz Doofensmirtz sigh smiling.
"Oh, Perry the Platipus I can't stay mad at you for long. My hatred of you is just too strong."
Perry just looked at him in confusion and Doofensmirtz shrugged,"Yeah, it didn't make sense to me either but I wanted to end on a nice note, ya know?"
...
The end.
Yes this story was rather pointless. Yes, yes it was.