Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. If they were I would be rich. But I'm not, so they aren't.
Thanks to the spectacular Dayna for being my beta!
"Yes!" James jumped straight in the air pumping his fist.
"What is it?" Sirius asked his friend.
"I scored a date with Lily this weekend!"
Remus looked up from his Potions essay. "This weekend? That's Valentine's Day, isn't it? The Hogsmeade trip as well."
But James was already out of ear shot, jumping around the common room with joy.
Sirius sighed. "I guess he won't be joining us. Well, Moony? What are your plans for Hogsmeade?"
Remus was shaking his head. "Sorry, mate. The full moon is coming and Madam Pomfrey doesn't want me to risk it."
Sirius' face fell, but not completely. Going with Peter would be better than not going at all. "Okay, Pete. Guess it's just you and me."
Peter was looking forlorn. "I can't go. Professor Slughorn gave me detention."
Sirius scowled. Curse James for getting a date. Curse Lupin for being a werewolf. Curse Peter for
being an idiot.
But he couldn't stay mad for very long. Because Sirius Black doesn't get mad. He gets even. He chuckled to himself. Valentine's Day was going to be very eventful indeed.
*
Sirius awoke early. It was not something he did often; or ever, really. But it was crucial in his plans to foil James' Valentine's date.
He tiptoed first to his own trunk and fished out a small jar. Then he snuck over to James' trunk and eased open the lid. Sirius carefully shook the contents over every article of clothing James owned.
It was itching powder. And not just any old itching powder, either. It was very special, triple itch, stinging welt, last for weeks itching powder. It took two hours to take effect, and it was sure to have an impact on the date.
Next stop was James' dresser, where he kept his hair gel. Sirius slipped the bottle of Hair-o-Matic into his pocket and substituted it with Super-Spell-Glue. He then walked back over to his four-poster bed and climbed in. His plan was in motion.
*
He awoke a couple of hours later to yells of terror.
James was standing in front of his mirror with his hands plastered to his head. The bottle of glue was lying on the floor, and James' hair looked like someone had taken a chainsaw to it. It was sticking up in odd bunches and clumps, looking very much like it was going to stay that way.
Sirius chuckled at James' futile attempts to remove his hands from his forehead and to tame the mess of his hair.
Finally, Remus took pity on his friend and cast a charm to get James' hands where they belonged.
Neither of them could fix the hair situation, though. That was Sirius' hope.
Part B came later. Part B was when James met Lily to go to Hogsmeade.
Sirius positioned himself behind a statue to wait. Lily was already standing in the entrance hall; arms crossed and tapping her foot.
It took a while for James to arrive. The dung-bomb Sirius had planted in the pumpkin juice had caused a stir.
Nevertheless, James arrived, and in the exact spot Sirius had hoped he would. In the perfect spot to cast a trip jinx on him.
Sirius stifled a laugh as his friend went flying through the air; crashing into several students and knocking them down like dominoes.
Part C of his scheme wasn't set to take place until later, so Sirius contented himself with trip jinxes.
Finally, after many a fall of James', the couple walked into Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop. This is just what Sirius had hoped would happen. There were a lot of things Sirius had planned.
Like the pea-shooter in his back pocket, and the container of nose-nipping tea-cups. Not to mention the-
"Aaugh!" James leapt into the air and started scratching all over.
Sirius smirked. The itching powder was working. James was frantically trying to reach a spot on his back while rubbing his feet. Lily was looking disgusted.
"Stop it, Potter! Cut it out, or I'm going to leave!" the girl exclaimed.
James was looking pained.
Sirius sat down at an empty table to watch the show. Part C was going just fine. James was trying in vain to sit still--it wasn't going well. Lily was quite angry. Finally she burst out:
"I've had it up to here with you, James Potter! I thought you were serious about this. Apparently, I was wrong. Goodbye."
Sirius beamed as Lily stalked off. This was exactly what he had hoped for. The plan went perfectly. Now James would stop following Lily around like a lost puppy.
He reclined in his chair and folded his hands behind his head. He heard a dreamy sigh from his table; one he had thought empty. Sirius whipped around.
Bertha Jorkins was sitting in the chair across from him, a look of longing was plastered on her pointed face.
"Oh, Sirius," Bertha tittered. Sirius was disgusted. The word love was not in his vocabulary, or his future, for that matter. Lest of all with Bertha.
"Oh, Sirius," someone mimicked. Sirius spun on his chair and saw James. He was scratching his side with one hand, and holding a bottle of Love Potion in the other. He had a triumphant grin on his face.
"Backfire."