They had first made love on a warm spring evening.
It had started with an innocent conversation. Comments on the weather, the soft breeze, the sweet scent of the air. There had been compliments, laughter, blushing cheeks, hands tentatively searching for something to hold. After, kisses, bumping teeth in embarrassed earnest, flushed cheeks, lungs starved for air. They had found their room soon after, let their bodies teach them how to share, how to taste, how to feel. It had been natural, instinctive, and they hadn't talked until morning.
For Kashuu, it had changed everything.
He had awoken with his cheek to Yamatonokami's back and his heart torn open. The sun had risen over the citadel while he lay still, listening to the other's breathing, thinking back on all that had happened. He had been certain that a man was supposed to feel invigorated after, filled with energy and pride. In reality, it seemed the opposite. His exhaustion reached more than just his body and his pride lay in tatters.
It had been... well, wonderful. It had. He had lost all sense of himself to that of sharing each moment with another. More than he had ever dreamed of, he had been free for a time. The present was different.
It wasn't cute. It wasn't beautiful. Flushed cheeks and swollen lips, incomprehensible noises from deep in his throat, words that made no sense upon waking. Yamatonokami had been beautiful, regardless. But Kashuu himself? Never. Losing control was weak. Frightening, even.
He had hated remembering the person he had become, vulnerable and exposed and needing. It was mortifying. Ashamed, he had excused himself before first light.
For Yamatonokami it seemed as if nothing had changed.
They went about their daily business, chores and conversation, nothing out of the ordinary. It was comforting, the routine they had grown so used to, but it felt wrong. Questions should have been asked, boundaries set, some sort of agreement come to. At least, Kashuu thought so. Wasn't that how humans worked these things out? Why shouldn't they do the same?
A footstep in the doorway. A hand on his shoulder. He knew the feeling, the scent beside him. Against his will, heat rose in his cheeks.
"Do you like this duty, Kiyomitsu?"
An innocent question, tone no different to usual. He cleared his throat.
"I don't mind it. The horses are cute."
"Mm, they are."
As he continued brushing the flank of the creature before him, he felt Yamatonokami touching his scarf. Below the soft material were the brands of their time together, red and purple kisses that had only grown darker as the hours passed. His hands tried to tremble around the brush and he held it tighter still, willing himself to stop.
"Are you embarrassed?"
His voice was quiet, as kind as ever, but laced with something different. Perhaps it was because they shared a secret now, that any tone lower than a conversational voice seemed sinful. The teasing comment, one he should have been used to, raised the hairs on the back of his neck and he shook his head.
"No. Idiot."
A soft laugh was his answer, and he continued grooming the horse with renewed concentration. He wasn't afraid of being alone with Yamatonokami, quite the opposite, but he found himself wishing for anything to break the silence. He wanted to say so much, ask so many things, but had no notion of how to start. It all seemed vulgar or childish. And why should he be the one to do so? It had taken two, after all.
"The horses are cute, aren't they?"
The fingers fell from his scarf and Kashuu nodded in agreement, lowering the brush and turning in time to catch a mischievous glint in the other's eyes. He had always loved those eyes, ever since they had first met like this. They were like the brilliant blue of the ocean in midsummer. Usually. Now, they seemed stormy.
"They're still not as cute as you, though, Kiyomitsu."
"Obviously." Kashuu's voice trembled and he cursed himself. "How could you even compare us?"
"Mm, you're right. I'm sorry. Should I make it up to you?"
"How would you-"
He should have expected the kiss. Yamatonokami had always been playful, even when on his best behaviour. A calm corner of Kashuu's mind told him that he was being ridiculous, even as his eyes fluttered shut and his hands grasped at the front of the other's clothes, the brush clattering to the floor. It was a simple kiss, parted lips and and breath hot on his face. He was left with red cheeks and his heart hammering in his throat.
"Is that better?"
No.
"Y-yeah, I suppose..."
He was rewarded with a sweet laugh and a hand ruffling his hair. One hand rising to cover his mouth, he took a step back. Yamatonokami gave him a small wave and left the stables, promising to see him later as if nothing had happened, again.
Was this... how it was supposed to work?
Usually, he would have asked Yamatonokami. It didn't seem possible now. His chest was tight and his breathing ragged. It was frightening, having shared so much of himself. It wasn't that he didn't want to. He longed to expose everything, to articulate the feelings he had never been able to understand. If he was ever going to tell anyone he had always been sure it would be Yamatonokami. But like this?
People told him he was cute all the time. Had anything really changed at all? If the right moment had come to pass, would Yamatonokami have made love with anyone? Had he already?
In the darkness of the stables, Kashuu wrapped his arms around himself and tried to stop thinking. As usual, it was impossible. He screwed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth.
They had slept together. It was simple. Wasn't it? Even if it had seemed more, if he felt more than he could understand... did that make it real? He had believed in something before, hadn't he? And how had that turned out, as soon as his usefulness ended?
I love you.
No such thing had been said, not by either of them.
Was that what he wanted to hear?
Unsure and disgusted by himself, by his inability to keep his poise, he longed for the ground to swallow him. Distantly, the assembly bell began to ring.