It's morning in the McGee household. Thirteen year old Chris is humming as he eats his eggs and bacon for breakfast. His sister, seventeen year old Izzy, is sitting next to him, doing some work. Both kids are part cat, having cat ears and tails, because their mother, Bella, is half cat.
"Shut up, Chris!" Izzy snapped at her brother, irritated, "I have a term paper due!"
"Oh, right, community college!" Her brother mocked, "Oh yeah, big girl! Good girl! Hey, I wonder if that diploma will help you get a better section when you're a waiter at Olive Garden." He laughed.
"I wonder if you'll hit puberty before you turn fourteen," Izzy mocked back.
"Why? You wanna do me?" Chris asked jokingly, "You're sick!" Bella put her hand on Chris's shoulder.
"Chris, be nice to your sister," Bella scolded, "And Izzy, Chris's big boy hair won't come in any faster even with you taunting him." The fish on the counter, Klaus, spoke.
"Oh, Bella," He said, "I love how you rule with an iron fist. Or claw, in your case." Bella set the plate of eggs and bacon she was holding on the table, "You know, perhaps when you are finished there, you could stick your naughty pinkie finger into mein bowl and let me feel you."
"Yeah! No," Bella said.
"You're right," Klaus said, "When the kids are gone." A white cat, Felice, was stalking the fish bowl on the counter.
"Felice, how many times do I have to tell you?" Bella said, "You're not allowed to eat Klaus."
"No, Roger, you cannot borrow the car!" Eddy came in and folded his arms. A grey alien, Roger, was following him.
"K'now, I'd think you'd be a little more grateful to the guy who saved your life."
"Look, if my superiors at the CIA found out that you were living with us, they'd erase all of our memories. You've seen Memento? It's better the first time. The point is, you aren't allowed to leave this house!"
"For God's sake, Eddy, I just want to pick up a pack of smokes," Roger said, sitting down.
"I never approve of smoking," Bella said to herself.
"Have you been able to call your home planet yet?" Eddy sighed.
"Oh, I was gonna do it yesterday, but I forgot," Roger said, "VH1 was running this 'I love the 80's' marathon. Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf? I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to take him seriously now. Oh hey, Bella, did you get the Pecan Sandies I wanted?"
"Scusate, Roger," Bella apoligiezed, "I went to the store yesterday, but I forgot. I knew I should have made a list." Roger inhaled through his teeth.
"Pretty sure I asked for Pecan Sandies," He said.
"I'll go get some later," Bella said, placing a bowl in front of Roger.
"Bella, be very careful out there today," Eddy warned, "We're at Terror Alert Orange." He turned a little arrow on a color board on the fridge, "Which means something might happen somewhere, in some way, at some time, so look sharp!"
"Y'know, Dad, it's awesome that you are your CIA friends have made up a fun little system to keep the masses paralized in fear.
"You like shaving your armpits, Izzy? Huh?" Eddy asked, "'Cuz if the terrorists take over the country, that's the first thing to go!" The toaster on the counter popped out toast and Eddy pulled out a gun and started shooting it, making the others cover their cat ears.
"It's just toast, Dad," Izzy said as she and the others looked in shock. Felice had raced into the other room, yowling.
"This time it was toast, Izzy," Eddy said, turning around, "This time." He put the gun back in his suit and sat down.
"It's alright, I'll have this one," Bella said, picking up the toast and putting it on her plate, "I don't know how I'm gonna put the butter and cinnamon on it, though…."
"Hey, Chris," Eddy laughed, "How you doing with that girl on the lacross team I picked for ya?"
"Actually, Dad, I've decided to go for the brass ring," Chris said, "Today I'm asking out Nicole Dorn, head cheerleader and future Mrs. Chris McGee. Yeah, I like the sound of that. 'Chris McGee."
"That's my boy," Eddy ruffled Chris's hair, "You hear that, Bella? Hey, tell how many girls I dated in high school."
"I was your first girlfriend," Bella said.
"Oh that's right," Eddy said, "But lots of girls wanted to."
"Chris, I sure hope she says yes," Bella said, "I think that's Nazz's daughter, right?"
"Yes that's right," Eddy said before turning to Chris, "Don't worry, she won't turn you down. You're a McGee, and a McGee always gets his girl." Eddy put his arm around Bella and started to kiss her. She giggled.
"Resist him, Bella!" Klaus cried, "Resist him! You and I are meant to be!" Eddy sprinkled some fish food over the bowl and Klaus gasped, "Happy hour!" He started gulping down the flakes of food.
"Chris, isn't Nicole, like, way above you?" Izzy asked.
"Well, now, Izzy, don't bury him before he's dead," Roger said, pointing at Izzy with his spoon, "I think you have a shot, Chris, as long as you don't wear that 'Shazam' shirt." Roger yelled in pain as the chair beneath him collasped. Felice stood on the table, looking down at him, "Oh, don't everybody help at once!"
"Roger, are you alright?" Bella asked, concered, "When did you last weigh yourself?"
"Oh, oh, ow, Bella. Ow," Roger said, standing up, "We can't all be like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies." Roger took a donut from the box.
"Sorry, Roger, but you're going on a diet," Bella said, taking the box of donuts, "Starting today, no more junk food." Roger stared in shock.
"What? No. No, not my Frankenberries!" Roger begged, crawling on the table, causing Felice to jump off, "Oh, Bella, please be reasonable!" Roger cried out again as the table broke, sending half the food onto his back and Felice into the other room, "Oh, God, I've got a bear claw in my ass."
At the CIA, where Eddy worked.
"Ok, that's two million halogen lamps, and 500'00 coffee tables," Eddy was on the phone at his desk, writing stuff done, "Thanks." He hung up the phone.
"Hey, Eddy, what was all that about?" Edd, or Double D, walked over with a cup of coffee.
"Oh, we just signed a contract with IKEA to give furnish Iraq," Eddy explained, "Basically the whole country will look like Ed's first apartment before it got messy."
"I like this," A man said, sitting on a couch with his wife, "It fits with our hip, 20-something life style." He looked over at his wife, who was wearing a robe, "Oh, for Allah's sake, put some clothes on!" The woman quickly pulled a bit of fabric over her eyes, "Now how about a beer?" The woman stood up, but because she couldn't see, tripped over the coffee table in front of the couch and fell out the window.
"Hey, sockhead, check out what I bought online," Eddy said, pulling something out of his desk, "It's a pencil, and the eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper." Eddy laughed, "Best forty bucks I ever spent!"
"Wow, you seem happy, Eddy," Edd said.
"You bet I am!" Eddy said, "My kid's asking out Nicole Dorn."
"Chris?" Edd asked, "Asking out Nazz's daughter?"
"You betcha," Eddy said, "I'll tell ya, he's just like me." He spotted someone walking past and ran over, jumping over his desk, "Hey, Marcus, check it! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!" Eddy laughed again and popped his head back over by Edd, "He thought it was funny, too."
At Peach Creek High School.
There was a big sign in the cafeteria that read 'STUDENT BODY ELECTIONS NEXT WEEK!' Nicole was reading a book at a table. She was wearing her cheerleading outfit.
"There she is," Chris said. He was sitting with his friends: Nick, Ed's son, Martin, Edd's son, who was Chris's cousin, and Toshi, a Japanese boy, "Guys, if you'll excuse me, I have a fully developed woman to conquer." Chris stood up and it was revealed that he was wearing a yellow shirt with a lightning bolt under his red shirt.
"Nicole Dorn?" Martin asked, "Chris, no offence, but you're insane."
"Thank you, Martin," Chris said, putting his hand in Martin's face.
"Foolish round-eye," Toshi spoke in Japanese, "Your failure will blossom like a thousand cherry trees."
"It is a beautiful day for romance, Toshi," Chris said, pointing at Toshi, "Thank you." He pulled off his red shirt to show his 'Shazam' shirt.
"Chris! Chris! Chris!" The other three boys cheered.
"You're cool with chicks. You're cool with chicks," Chris said to himself. He walked over and pulled the back of Nicole's shirt, making it snap against her back.
"Ow!" She cried, turning to glare at Chris.
"Hello, Nicole," Chris smiled, "Did that hurt so good? It's Chris. Chris McGee. Remember me? Ah, it'll come to you. Hey, wanna do something Friday night?" A guy walked over, but Nicole held him back.
"It's ok, babe, I can handle this," Nicole said.
"Yeah, babe," Chris smirked, looking up at the guy. He was surprised when Nicole punched him in the face, sending him to the floor.
Steve was now walking home after school.
"How could she just reject me?" He asked himself, "Like I was a...a nobody?" He looked across the street to see a man walking his dog. A woman walked over to him.
"Hey, I love your dog," She said.
"Thanks," The man said, "Hey, wanna come back to my apartment and pet my shnauzer?"
"Ok," The woman said.
"And then we can play with this dog," The man said as the walked off.
"Wait a minute, that's it!" Chris realized, "All I need is a dog, and babes will be all over me!" Chris ran straight home.
At the McGee household.
Eddy and Bella were watching the news on the couch.
"In other news, the White House was shocked today when President Bush received a phone call from God himself," The news man said before showing a clip.
"Hey, George, it's, um, God," One half showed God sitting in a gold throne in the clouds, the other showed Bush sitting in his office.
"Wow!" Bush said, "Hey, how are you?"
"Good," God said, "I'm, um, I'm doing good, swell. Hey, listen, um, big favor: Do you think you could, um, y'know, try to downplay our relationship a little more when you address the public?"
"What do you mean?" Bush asked.
"I-I mean, let me think of an example," God said, "When you say stuff like 'God...God wanted me to be president.' Y'know, that would be something you just, maybe, kept to yourself, ok? Just try to distance yourself from me a bit more?"
"Uh, sure," Bush scratched his head, "If you want."
"Great, awesome, thanks," God said when his phone beep, "Oh, that's Chaney. Gotta get this." He pressed a button and said, "Yes sir."
"And on Wall Street today," The news man said, "The dow was down again."
Just then, Izzy entered the door, making a detector set up start to beep and set off a red light above the door. Eddy jumped on her, pinning her to the ground and making her drop her book.
"Ow! Dad, get off!" Izzy yelled, "I have to study!"
"You know the drill, Izzy," Eddy said, searching her.
"Why don't you ever search Chris?" Izzy asked. Eddy pulled out a metal detector and ran it down Izzy.
"Now, honey, I love you both," Eddy said, "But Chris is not a left-wing liberal who I tried to raise properly, but somehow…" He found something and held it up, "What's this?"
"It's a pack of gum," Izzy answered coldly. Eddy ran outside and threw the gum far and crouched down, covering his head, as if expecting it to explode. After no explosion, he looked up.
"Ok, it's gum," He said. He stood up as Chris walked past into the house, "Hey, champ! When's the date?"
"Um, s-she was sick today," Chris lied.
"Oh, that's fine, you'll get her tomorrow," Eddy said, leading Chris inside.
"Hey listen, Mom, Dad?" Chris asked, looking at his parents, "Can I get a dog?"
"Absolutly not!" Eddy and Bella said at the same time. Bella crossed her arms.
"I ain't having no damn dog," She grumbled.
"It's enough that we've got an alien and a goldfish with the brain of a German guy," Eddy said, "Besides, you're part cat!" Klaus scooted over in a small cup with water in it.
"Oh, Bella," Klaus said, looking up Bella's dress, "I can see your shmootzplatzen."
Bella sighed and picked the bowl up.
"Sorry, Chris, no dog," Eddy said, "I'd be more than happy to buy you your own non-talking goldfish like Bella has."
"I have eight," Bella said, "But if you can find a dog that can't chase Felice and can't scare me, I'd be fine with it, I guess. And it might teach Chris the responsibility he'll need if he one day joins the army." She winked at Chris.
"Are you really gonna get a military job?" Eddy asked, pointing at Chris.
"I might," Chris said, smiling.
Eddy screeched to a halt in the driveway and ran inside.
"Hey, hey, hey," He said, opening the door, "Did someone order a brand-new dog?"
"Awesome Dad! You're the best-" Chris stopped when he saw the 'dog' and recoiled, "The hell is that?" Bella and Roger, who was reading a newspaper, looked in shock.
"It's a dog," Eddy said. The 'dog' was old and shaky, with bits of fur missing in several places. The dog shook slightly.
"Oh my God," Roger said.
"He can barely stand!" Chris said.
"No duh- he's nineteen!" Eddy said.
"Well, at least I know he can't chase Felice or terrorize me," Bella said, looking at the dog.
"You couldn't have gotten me a puppy?!" Chris asked.
"Chris, this dog has character. All right?" Eddy said, kneeling down next to the dog, who fell down, Eddy picked him back up, "He was here for the Reagan Administration. He knows how things should be.
"Eh," Chris said. The dog lifted its back leg.
"Oh, damn it, he's gonna pee!" Eddy groaned, "No no no!" A squeak was heard and dust came out, "Ok, it's just dust."
Chris was dragging the dog along the sidewalk behind him, looking sad. A car drove by.
"Hey dumb-ass, your dog's half dead!" A girl laughed.
"You hear that, boy?" Chris turned to the heap of fur behind him, "That girl talked to me, and I didn't even talk to her first! C'mon, Thor, let's go cruise the mall!" Chris ran off, dragging 'Thor' behind him.
At the McGee household.
"Bella, you are one lucky lady," Eddy said, flexing in front of the mirror in their room with only his underwear on, "You can do anything you want to this body because you married it."
"Uh-huh," Bella said, not paying attention as she read her book.
"I hope you're not taking all this for granted," Eddy said.
Downstairs, Roger was rooting through the cupboards.
"No potato chips, no cupcakes," Roger groaned, "Damn it, Bella. I'm going to hock a loogie in your Oil of Olay." Roger accidently bumped a bottle, sending it crashing to the floor.
Upstairs, Eddy jumped over the bed and pulled out a gun.
"Where's your machete?" Eddy asked.
"Honey, calm down," Bella said, looking up from her book.
"If I die you must protect the clan!" Eddy yelled. Bella pulled a machete out from under the bed.
"I still don't see why I couldn't just use my claws," Bella mumbled. Eddy walked quietly downstairs.
"Osama, is that you?" Eddy spoke. He heard a noise and started shooting at the floor. Roger walked in with a banana and turned on the light switch.
"Jeez, Eddy, what's with you?" Roger asked before spotting the dog, "Holy Toledo, you shot your son's dog. And don't ask me to make him come back with that E.T finger thing, because that's a huge load of crap."
The next morning the whole family was out back, standing in front of 'Thor's' grave. Chris was kneeling in front of the pile of dirt.
"God, please watch over the soul of this dead dog and carry him up to Heaven," Eddy said, "Because he sure as hell can't walk- he's dead. Amen."
"That was bello, honey," Bella smiled. She was holding the small bowl with Klaus in it.
"I used to have a dog," Klaus sighed, "And legs. And arms! I was an Olympic skier before the CIA switched mein brain with un goldfish!"
"Well, what else were we supposed to do, just let East Germany win the gold medal?" Eddy asked, "Not on my watch."
A sign that said '1986 WINTER GAMES' hung above a man atop a high ski mountain. The man sounded like a fish as he slid down the mountain and fell to the ground after flying through the air. He flopped towards a hole in the ice and swan in the water.
"You know, Chris's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunatics would agree to gun control," Izzy said, turning to her dad.
"Y'know what I have to say to that?" Eddy asked. He looked as if he was about to fart, but did nothing, "Ah, I wanted to fart." Izzy walked off.
"This sucks," Chris said from the ground, "Now I'll never get a babe." He stood up.
"Wait, is that why you wanted a dog?" Eddy asked.
"Yes sir," Chris said, ashamed.
"Shoulda figured, you are a cat," Eddy said to himself, "Son, you don't need a dog when your old dad is the greatest ladies' man in history! C'mon on!" Eddy pulled Chris along by his arm.
At the Peach Creek Shopping Mall.
"Now, Chris, girls love guys that can protect them," Eddy said, "Now, I'm gonna act like I'm a thief and snatch her purse." He pointed at a girl nearby chatting with her friend, "Then you'll chase after me, tackle me, and win her heart. Got it?"
"Got it, Dad!" Chris smiled. Eddy pulled a black mask out of his suit and put it on.
"OMG, my mom almost caught me throwing up last night, and she, like-" The blond girl was cut off by Eddy stealing her purse, "Hey, my purse!"
"Don't worry, young lady," Chris put his hand on her shoulder, "Hey, get back here!" He yelled at his dad and began to run after him.
Eddy was pushing people out of the way as he sprinted quickly through the mall. Chris ran after him, going kinda slowly but still fast. Eddy pushed his way up the down elevator and Chris sped up, quickly losing his breath. Eddy jumped over the glass edge of that floor and gripped the pole in the middle, spinning around the bottom floor. Finally, he jumped through the window and ran out of the parking lot, Chris staring after him in shock.
They were now driving home, Eddy with pieces of glass in Eddy's face. Chris sat angrily in the passenger seat, holding the purse under his arm.
"Ok, I got a little carried away back there," Eddy admitted.
At the McGee household at night.
Izzy was in her room, sitting on her beanbag chair and typing on her laptop. She reached up to the stand beside her, taking a twinkie and unwrapping it as Roger walked past her open door. He popped his head back into the room.
Izzy was about to take a bite of the twinkie when she heard a knock on her window behind her. She stood up and turned around, opening the window to see her boyfriend, Jeff, who was standing on a ladder.
"Hey, Jeff," Izzy smiled.
"Hey, babe," Jeff smiled back, "Some guy at the restaurant sent his meatloaf back because there was a hair in it, but it's fine cuz it's mine! Park picnic?"
"I'd like to, but I have a paper due," Izzy groaned.
"Bummer," Jeff said, "Well, you know what Shakespeare said. I don't, but you probably do. Bye!" He walked back down the ladder.
"Hanging with Jeff sounds fun," Roger said, now standing next to the beanbag chair.
"Yeah, but I have to turn this in tomorrow," Izzy sighed, opening her laptop.
"Listen, Isabella," Roger said, closing Izzy's laptop, "Obviously, I can't leave the house, but if you supply me with Twinkies, Ho-Hos, y'know, and of your basic white trash foodstuffs that your freakin' mother won't give me, I'll write your paper for you."
"First, don't call me Isabella," Izzy said, "Izzy isn't short for Isabella, it's just Izzy. Second, what do you know about Crime and Punishment?"
"Well, besides the fact that the suffering of man is both necessary and useful, which is revealed to us during Raskolnikov's redemption, nothing," Roger smiled.
"You got yourself a deal," Izzy said, shaking Roger's hand. As Roger reached out his arm, a green ooze shot out from his sides, squirting onto Izzy, "EEWW!"
"S-sorry about that," Roger laughed uncomfortably, "Like clockwork, once every seven hours."
Izzy walked downstairs to see a table set up with Chris and a blond woman sitting at. Eddy was standing behind the woman, holding a gun at his side.
"Oh my God!" Izzy said, turning to Eddy, "Dad, why is Hilary Duff here?"
"Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Chris," Eddy said.
"Hilary, could you pass the salt?" Chris asked.
"Pass him the salt," Eddy said, putting the gun to Hilary's head. She quickly passed Chris the salt.
"So, like I was saying," Chris continued as he put salt on his food, "Student body elections are next week, and I have been personally wedgied by both candidates."
"Woah, here that, Hilary?" Eddy asked, "Chris is a winner, which means you are, too."
"HELP ME!" Hilary yelled, running out the door. Eddy ran to the door, but Izzy stopped him.
"Dad, you can't abduct people just cuz you're in the CIA!" Izzy said.
"Hilary, watch out for the mines!" Eddy yelled before a loud boom and a yell sounded, "What did I say?" He turned to Chris, "You have good hearing, what'd I say?"
"You said 'Watch out for the mines'," Chris repeated.
"I said 'Watch out for the mine'," Eddy said again, looking back outside. Felice came running downstairs wearing a helmet and meowing.
"No, Felice, dogs aren't taking over the world," Izzy sighed.
Later that night.
Eddy is sitting in the kitchen and Roger is standing behind him eating a Twinkie.
"I just don't get it," Eddy sighed, "I didn't have this problem getting girls when I was his age."
"Little observation, Eddy?" Roger said, setting his hand on Eddy's arms, "Chris isn't like you. You're big and powerful. Girls like power, and Chris doesn't really have any."
"That's it!" Eddy brightened, "If Chris needs power, I'll rig the school election and he'll be student body president!"
"Woah, you can do that?" Roger asked, impressed.
"Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger," Eddy said, "Wanna know how many votes George Bush really got in the first election? Seven."
At Peach Creek High School.
Eddy and Chris were standing in the hall nearby a candidate stand and in front of a bunch of posters.
"All right, Chris, to key to fixing any election is to cast doubt of your opponent," Eddy said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. There were a lot of people standing over by the other stand.
"Vote Shelly Maxwell for student body president!" The girl at the stand called, "Shelly for president!"
"Sure, you can vote for Shelly Maxwell," Eddy said, walking over with Chris, "If you wanna vote for a prostitute!" Eddy pointing at the girl.
"What?!" The girl yelled, surprised.
"Don't play coy, you cardigan jezebel!" Eddy said, "I have photographic evidence of you having sexual relations with the Jack-in-the-Box man!" Eddy pulled out a picture and showed it to the girl. The picture was of the Jack-in-the-Box man in bed with another woman with the girl's face taped over it. The crowd started murmering.
"Ew!" One guy said.
"The Jack-in-the-Box man?" Another said.
"That's sick!" Another boy cried.
"He's not even human!" The second guy yelled.
"Dad, is that really the Jack-in-the-Box man?" Chris asked.
"Yeah, if you wanna meet him he's in our basement," Eddy said.
Roger opened the basement door to go downstairs and saw a naked Jack-in-the-Box man with his hands tied behind his back. The Jack-in-the-Box man started to scream, causing Roger to scream and slam the door shut behind him as he ran out.
In the school newspaper is a picture of Chris with a thumbs up and a caption saying 'Chris McGee Wins Election In Landslide!'
At the McGee household.
Roger and Izzy are sitting on the couch in the living room. Roger had a glass of wine.
"Y'know, I got an 'A' on that paper," Izzy informed the alien.
"My pleasure," Roger smiled, "Have anything else?"
"I've got a poli-sci paper," Izzy said, "Know anything 'bout Henry Kissinger?"
"I know he's Jewish, but for some churros, I can maybe stretch that into about 12 pages," Roger said.
At Peach Creek High School.
There was a sign in the hallway that read 'CONGRATULATIONS CHRIS McGEE! STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT!' Chris was walking in and his friends were waiting for him and clapping. Chris nodded and turned to his locker.
"Hey, Chris, congrats," Nicole walked over as Chris and taking some books out of his locker.
"Why, thank you, Nicole," Chris said, closing his locker, "Say, uh, I-I was wondering, um, if maybe you and I could…"
"Go out?" Nicole finished for him, "Rad. Love to."
"Yes!" Chris cried, "Oh my god! Score, score, score, score!" A little thought bubble appeared in a cloud shape besides Chris's head. In it was Eddy.
"Girls love a man with power," Eddy said.
"You were right, Dad!" Chris said. Another thought bubble appeared, this one holding Roger.
"Hey, sorry to interrupt, Eddy," Roger said, "I wanted to take a shower, but we're all out of Prell. Can you get some while you're out?"
"Yeah, yeah," Eddy said.
"Thanks," Roger said before turning to Chris, "Oh, hey, Chris, kudos on the biatch." Both bubbles disappeared. Two boys walked out of the bathroom nearby.
"Man, your stream is so powerful!" One was saying.
"Thanks!" The other said.
"I wish your locker wasn't next to the boy's room," Nicole said, her arms crossed.
"Yeah, me too," Chris agreed, "Then again, I am student body president…"
Chris kicked the principle's door open. The principle, who was sitting at his desk, stood up.
"McGee, what is the meaning of this?" The principle asked angrily.
"Principle Lewis, I'm taking your office," Chris said, walking up to the desk, "According to Peach Creek High Statue 39-F:," Nicole handed Chris a large book and he flipped to a page, "Quote 'The student body president may acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business.'" Chris set the book down and looked at Lewis, who looked irritated for a second, then look up in joy.
"You can read! The system works!" He said. He looked sad again, "I'll be back for my stuff." He left.
"You're radical, Chris," Nicole said, "I'm gonna tell everyone that we're going out!" Nicole walked out the door, closing it behind her.
"This is it," Chris said after looking around for a second, "I have complete power." He turned to the microphone on the desk, "Doris, could you please send in our high school mascot?" A peach cobbler walked in the door. He had 'PC' on his chest, "Welcome, cobbler. As you must have heard, I'm now student body president. Meaning, I can do anything I want, and I want...to eat the cobbler!" Chris jumped on the cobbler and began pretending to eat it. The cobbler yelled and ran around the office, breaking lots of stuff in the process, "Woo-hoo! Yes! I'm eating the cobbler!" Finally the cobbler fell down and Chris got off as a woman entered the office, surprised, "Now send in the lunch lady."
The next day at Peach Creek High School.
Chris and Nicole were sitting at a table, alone. Another boy was standing up by the table.
"The lady's steak is not nearly Salisbury enough!" Chris said, "Take it back!" The boy picked up the plate and walked off.
"Chris, you are, like, the best boyfriend I've ever had," Nicole said.
"My dear, I'm just getting started," Chris smiled, "Bobby, get over here!" Another boy walked over, "I want my Shazam shirt dry-cleaned and pressed by third period. On, and one more thing, all periods will now be called 'Chris's.'"
A boy in class leaned across the aisl to his friend.
"Hey, I might be skipping third Chris," He said, "You in?"
"Sure, but I have to be back by fourth Chris," The other guy said.
"So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Chris," The teacher said.
"Mr. Philips, may I be excused?" I girl in front asked, raising her hand, "I'm having my Chris."
That night at the McGee household.
Roger was in the attic, sitting in front of a computer and snacking on different candies and desserts.
"Oh, Izzy, you are the best," Roger moaned as he ate a treat, "Mm, what else we got?" He pulled out a chocolate bar, "Ooh, Chocodiles. I haven't tried those." He took a bite, "Oh, oh-ho-ho!" He ate the rest, "Oh my God, how good are these? Oh, mm, mm, mm, dangerous, mm."
"How's my paper coming, Roger?" Izzy walked up, "I mean, it is due in the morning."
"I got it, Izzy," Roger said, reaching into the bag, "Do not worry."
"Ok," Izzy said. She was about to walk away when Roger stopped her.
"By the way, Izzy, oh my God," Roger said, "These Chocodiles? These Chocodiles, Izzy, oh my God. These Chocodiles. Oh my God."
"Um, yeah, they're good," Izzy said, walking back downstairs, "Back to work."
"I got it," Roger said, reaching back into the bag.
At 6:15 am, Roge was out cold and candy wrappers littered the desk. All Roger had written was 'Kissinger: More Than A Jew' Roger's head was set on the desk next to the computer, and there was a chocolate stain around his mouth. Roger woke up and gasped, grabbing the alarm clock.
"Oh, no," Roger said, panicked, "Izzy!" He tossed the clock aside, causing it to smash and ran downstairs. He ran into Izzy's room and started shaking the girl awake, "Izzy, Izzy, wake up! I fell asleep." Izzy opened her eyes and rolled over to face Roger, "I had a sugar crash, and I fell asleep, and I didn't do the paper!"
"What?!" Izzy cried, sitting up quickly, "It's due in two hours!"
"I know, I know, I'm a douche bag!" Roger said, running around and flailing his hands, "But the important thing now is to find a way to buy me more ti-" Roger stopped mid-sentence as he looked out the window into the yard, "Holy frijole, I got an idea."
Izzy was at school with her teacher.
"Well, under the circumstances, I think we can give you a few more days for your paper," The teacher said.
"Thank you, Mr. Goodwin," Izzy said. She was holding the dead dog and crying, not from sadness, but from the stench coming from the body.
Chris was walking through the halls, where the lockers were now made of chocolate. A boy took a bite out of his.
"Wow, these chocolate lockers were an awesome idea!" He said.
"Mine has nut clusters!" Another boy said, "Thanks, Chris!"
"No problem," Chris said, "I am a river to my people. And I hope you're all enjoying the computer lab now that I've disabled the porn blocker."
"Yeah, I never knew Todd's mom had a website," A kid said.
"Pretty sexy, huh, guys?" The second kid asked.
"Sure is, Todd," Chris agreed. He walked over to Nicole, "Oh, hello, gorgeous." Chris went to kiss her, but she backed away.
"Ew, what are you doing?" Nicole asked.
"What?" Chris asked, "I'm-I'm kissing my woman."
"Chris, I, like, like the perks of dating the school president, but I'm not kissing you," Nicole said, "I mean, I'm beautiful, and, no offence, but you're...weird. Sorry, dude."
"But-but I thought you liked me," Chris said, heartbroken.
"That's the point," Nicole said, walking away. Chris sadly looked around and saw a couple kissing. He became angry and stomped into the office and spoke into the microphone.
"Attention!" He yelled, "There's a new school policy! Anyone caught holding hands, hugging, or swapping saliva, will be expelled from school permanently!"
The couple kissing quickly stopped and turned away from each other. Another couple sitting on a bench holding hands scooted away from each other. A teacher was in the science lab with a frog. He was buttoning up his jacket.
"It's too risky now," The teacher said, "I'll be back tonight."
At the CIA.
Eddy's phone rang and he answered.
"This is Eddy McGee," He said.
"Mr. McGee," The principle answered, "I'm afraid there's a problem with your son."
"Oh God, he's gay," Eddy panicked, "This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years." Eddy took a bottle of pills out and started swallowing them.
"Uh, no," The principle said, "It's just that he's gone mad with power." Eddy stopped swallowing the pills, "He evacuated the entire building and barricaded himself in my office."
"I see," Eddy said as foam appeared in his mouth, "Henry, antidote!"
At the McGee household.
Izzy was on the couch, reading a magazine. Roger walked up to her.
"So, how'd the dead dog work out?" Roger asked, "Did we get more time?"
"Yeah, I got till Monday," Izzy said.
"Oh, awesome," Roger said, taking out a pad of paper, "Here's my list."
"Sorry, Roger," Izzy said, "That was too close a call. I'm gonna do my own work."
"Wha…?" Roger was surprised, "B-but I…Well, where am I gonna get my fix?"
"Not my problem," Izzy said, standing up and walking off.
"You can't do it by yourself, Izzy," Roger started to panic slightly, "You don't have the skills! You're not smart enough!" Green ooze shot out from under Roger's arms. Roger looked at it, "Someone'll clean that up." He walked away.
At Peach Creek High School.
A huge crowd was outside with a truck and a few police cars.
"Chris, this is your father!" Eddy called in with a megaphone. Bella was standing next to him, worried, holding Felice in her arms.
"Get outta here, Dad!" Chris yelled into the microphone, "I'm not coming out!"
"All right, I'm going in," Eddy said, handing the megaphone to Bella, "Bella, keep talking to him."
"Be careful, honey," Bella said.
"Hey, don't worry about me, kiddo," Eddy said, going to playfully punch Bella in the arm but sent her to the ground and Felice out of her arms, "Oh, oh, oh my God, are you all right?!" Eddy kneeled down to help Bella up.
"I'm fine, honey, it's ok," Bella said.
"Oh, God, I just meant to brush you light," Eddy said.
"I-I know, sweetie, it's fine," Bella said.
"I just- I guess I don't know my own strength," Eddy said.
"Go get our son, honey," Bella said.
"Right," Eddy said, turning to walk inside.
"Chris, it's Mommy," Bella said into the megaphone, "Listen, honey, you're not alone. When I was younger than you, I didn't really have a 'crush' but I know what it's like to be rejected." While Bella was telling her story, Eddy was sneaking around and up to the office, "There was this one group of girls in my school, and they were really cool. Everybody knew them, but when I asked to be friends, they just laughed. Cuz, y'know, I was concidered a freak back in Italy."
Eddy, who was crawling through the vents, broke down into the office, startling Chris.
"Ah!" Chris cried out, "Dad, what are you doing?!"
"Son, I'm stopping you from making a huge mistake," Eddy said.
"Everybody called me mean names," Bella said, "Mostly having to do with me being part cat."
"Bella, I got him!" Eddy said into the microphone before turning to Chris, "Wanna talk about to, champ?"
"Dad, Nicole only like me 'cuz I was school president," Chris sighed, "She thinks I'm weird, and the worst thing is, she's right."
"Chris, I promise you, and this comes from years of expirence, women are never right," Eddy said, "Besides, you can't be as weird as that Jonny kid I knew growing up. Or your mother. She takes pride in saying she has the 'Weirdest Kid' title, and she doesn't let anyone steal that title."
"I was crazy to think and girl would ever like me," Chris said, turning to the computer screen, "Look at me. I am weird."
"No, you're not," Eddy said, setting his hand on Chris's shoulder, "Look, son, Roger was right. You're not like me. You're not as good-looking, or as strong, or as smart, or as good sexually-"
"The teasing didn't stop when my mother died," Bella said, "In fact, it got worse."
"Damn it, Bella, we're having a moment!" Eddy yelled into the microphone.
"Sorry!" Bella said, "I just have to say what's on my mind sometimes!"
"Listen, son," Eddy turned back to Chris, "I'm going to show you something I've never shown anyone before." Eddy pulled a picture out of his jacket, "That's me when I was your age." The picture was of Eddy with acne.
"Oh my God, you were hideous!" Chris cried.
"Well, I certainly wasn't the stallion I am today," Eddy laughed, "But your mother stayed with me. The point is, Chris, you'll be just fine, because you're full of potential."
"Wow, thanks, Dad," Chris smiled, "Aw, but I don't want to face Nicole Dorn."
"I got ya covered," Eddy grinned. He picked up his phone, "Hello, I.N.S.? Hey, is this Nick? Hey, Nick, it's Eddy. Hey, what's going on? Hey, how'd that wiretap on your wife work out? Oh, oh, sorry about that...but hey, better with your brother than some stranger, right?" Eddy laughed, "Right, yeah! Moving on, moving on. Right, right. Say, could you do me a huge favor? You know the Dorn family at 419 Elm? Yeah, let's- let's deport them." Eddy hung up and Chris hugged him.
"You're the best, Dad," Chris said before looking up at Eddy, confused, "Nick?"
"Different Nick, not Ed's kid," Eddy said.
At the McGee household that night.
The family was eating dinner at the kitchen table and Felice was eating her cat food in a bowl on the floor.
"Mm, great stew, Bella," Eddy said, "The peas are like floating survivors from a sunken porkchop ship."
"Thanks," Bella smiled, "I finally got over my fear of sharp knives." Bella turned to Chris, "Chris, you're awfully quiet. Are you still upset about what happened at school?"
"I'm ok with that," Chris said, "I just wish I were smoother with the ladies."
Roger, who was at the end of the table, perked up.
Chris was on the phone in his room.
"Oh, ok, Melissa, so I-I'll meet you at the arcade after school tomorrow," Chris said, "Bye." Chris hung up and turned to Roger, who was sitting on his bed holding a muffin, "Thanks for the help, coach."
"My pleasure, but if you expect to get any boob, I'm gonna need a buttload of Twinkies," Roger said. Green ooze shot out of his sides again, "Uh, salute? I know you're Italian."