What Once Was
A/N: Yay! I finally got enough guts to write my own fanfic… *cough*…This story is an OC story, but I tried to make her believable and it is placed after the war. There's a LOT of the character's mental conversation in this chapter. We'll have one side represented by ~, one by ^, and the one that really matters (the rational thinking voice that everyone has) represented by *
Warning: Contains some bad language
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story, except for the ideas and concepts I came up with… then again, those ideas are only there because of Hellsing so I guess I really don't own anything except this delicious homemade cookie cake. Try taking that away Hellsing! XP.. XD Also don't own any songs in this chapter.
Chapter One: In Another Life
YOU CAN'T RUN! And you can't hide…
This was the same voice that had been haunting my dreams for the past month. Surprisingly enough; I usually have good dreams, due to a good imagination. Just… not thisgood. Or bad, whatever way you want to look at it. The things I've seen in these nightmares were horrifying, traumatizing. The kinds of things you see in gory fantasy/sci-fi/horror movies were the main aspects present in my mind for these past weeks; except these dreams were 100 times worse, beyond imagination. What was the worst part? I'm 15. I shouldn't be this disturbed. I don't watch those kinds of movies to get the ideas from. Nothing happened to me that would trigger these more than bothersome images, at least not any that I've thought of yet. I go to an ordinary school, in a well off neighborhood. My parents are average on the wealth scale, with a comfortable amount of money, which is made from their depressing jobs, so I hear. I mean, the most depressing thing to me is school; and honestly, what teenager in their right mind likes school? Sure, I have fewer friends than a rock, but I'm sure plenty of kids are like that in the world right? Out of the couple billion people in this world there's bound to be another total outcast… just not in my school… or my neighborhood. That seems to actually be what depresses my parents the most; that I'm growing up like this.
So it isn't the dreams that bother me as much (though I could definitely do without them) as what brought them on.
Then again I-
Perfect by nature-
What the…?
Icons of self indulgence…
Grace! I'm not going to tell you again! GET UP! You'll be late for school! Don't make me drag you out of bed! I need to be out of here in 20 minutes; I have to go to WORK!
Now waking up I'm sure very few people actually like. What's worse though is when you don't even know you're sleeping. So you wake up feeling like all you did all night is lay in your bed. Then your mom yells at you to get up and you're all disoriented and like, "I'm asleep?" However, I can't say I was disappointed that I missed the nightmares, even if it was just for one night. This was the first time without nightmares since they started.
Blinking my eyes, chasing off the sleep that threatened to take me back, I realized what actually brought me back to consciousness was one of my favorite Evanescence songs, Everybody's Fool. The meaning of the song is really deep, too. Pretending to be someone you're not, fooling everyone; just be yourself. I gave a mental sigh. I needed to take its advice... I reached to shut the alarm clock off only to find my head was at the bottom of the bed again. I sighed again and turned it off and flicked the side lamp on. I blinked my eyes yet again until they adjusted.
Another day to get up without motivation. Another day to go to school where I'm neglected friendship. Another day to stare out the windows thinking there's GOT to be something better out there. Another day to come home to a caring family, which is good until they ask me how my day was. Another day to answer the question, and then sit through the same lecture that changes so little every day. Another night to go to sleep. Another night to suffer the ever-growing nightmares. Another morning of waking up, just to start it all over.
"I said HURRY UP!" my mom screamed at me, which I was still sitting half-way upright in bed. Why? So you can head off to a job that will eventually be the death of you?
"OKAY MOM! JEEZ!"
Getting ready was a blur. Take a (quick) shower, get dressed, brush hair, brush teeth, put eyeliner on (not that anyone ever notices and/or cares), get backpack, and gather books and the homework that takes up most of my life. Taking one last look in the mirror, I still didn't know why people made fun of my looks. I know I'm not the most beautiful thing in the world, but I look better than many of the people that pick on me. That little bit, at least, was the result of endless mental self-esteem building; I wasn't entirely sure if I really looked good or not, for the same reasons I was no longer reliable when my mom asks if "that dress makes her butt look fat". I just don't know. After making sure I was presentable enough to convince myself they're lieing when they make fun of me for my looks, I headed out the door. In case you're wondering, I think about that a lot. Yup, I'm in a rut.
My mom was in the car getting ready to honk again when she saw me coming out the door. Getting in, she practically yelled, "What is the matter with you? I'm going to be an hour late! If you're going to get ready so slow get up and go to bed earlier!"
"Gee, mom. I didn't know you cared so much," I said with sarcasm. "But you're forgetting that the reason I stay up late is to get my HOMEWORK done!" I said back, my voice rising with each word so by time I reached the end of the sentence, I was yelling back with just as much force.
"Which leaves me wondering, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FAILING? If you do your homework, shouldn't you be passing?"
"Homework is just a small portion of it, mom." I really don't like it when we fight; it just always makes me feel like I'm losing yet another person in my suckish life.
"So, what? You just sit in school everyday staring at the clock?"
"No…"
"Do you goof off the entire time?"
"With whom do you think I would do that with, mom? My imaginary friend Bob?"
My mom sighed heavily in frustration, still keeping her eyes on the road. "I'm just trying to figure why your grades are suffering, Grace."
My used-to-be best friend flashed in my mind before the horror images took over.
"…Maybe it's because I am…" I said very soft, hoping that she wouldn't hear, but at the same time hoping that she caught my murmur.
"…Grace," she started out softly, "what's bothering you? Is it because of Carly…? Grace sweetheart, I know it's hard, truly I do. But it will hurt less if you make new friends." Oh no, I wasn't planning to have this lecture again until tonight. I don't think I'd be able to handle it twice in the same day…
"No mom. I mean… maybe a little… It's just that the nightmares-" I cut myself off realizing that I had slipped up. I wouldn't care if she knew I had nightmares if she didn't always poke and prod to get more information, so if I didn't find a way to stop this conversation from going further I'd be shipped off to therapy. Therapy, I'm sure, wouldn't be too bad; but with me I wouldn't be surprised if I came out more mental than when I went in. Sometimes like asking a question and the answer only bringing up more questions than you started with. That, and I needed some sense of… satisfaction I guess you could call it, that I was still normal and not entirely crazy.
I was about to open my mouth to cover up my mistake when mom said, "Gracie, I told you that watching that Nightmare on Mel Avenue would give you bad dreams. It's in the name for Christ's sake."
I looked at her in bewilderment. "What?"
"Nightmare on Mel Avenue, you know with that Freddy Krikey?"
"… Nightmare on ELM STREET? With Freddy KRUEGER?"
"Oh. Yes, that's the one."
"Mom I didn't—you know what, screw it. I should have listened to you; it scared the crap out of me."
"That's my girl, it feels good to tell the truth, doesn't it?"
By this time, we were in the school parking lot. I started to get out when Mom said, "I'm glad we worked this out Grace, I hate leaving on off terms. Love you! Oh, and watch that mouth of yours, no wonder you're not making friends!" Yup, love her dearly, but that was called in to question a bit when I heard the snickers of some by standing eavesdroppers.
"Hey, you watch your fucking mouth, deary! You'll never make friends like that!" one of them shouted. Ugh, last thing I need is the in crowd making fun of me when I'm not even 5 seconds up the sidewalk. Mom got it all wrong, too. I might actually have friends if I cursed a few people off and bullied a few more of the other nerd kids. Not saying the chance is big (say around 1% chance?) but still. Eh, it's not like me to do that, anyways. Sorry nerd kids, looks like you'll get the merciless toilet dunk from someone else.
In first hour science I was doing what I normally did: staring out the window, thinking, and taking the occasional glance at the clock. Mom came pretty close to guessing what I do every day. It's a wonder how I always get away with this stuff. All the while, I think the rest of the class was learning about cells.
That aside, I let my mind travel its own course, thinking about random things until I started thinking about earlier when my alarm went off and when I started thinking about the song meaning. How you shouldn't pretend to be someone you're not.
Yeah, well, at least if you pretended just a bit people wouldn't think that you're a freak. God! ~
Oh yeah? How exactly how were you planning on pretending? You're shy enough to pass off the thought that you'll die if you talk to someone. Or worse, that you'll kill them, especially with the faces you wear. ^
Oh, shut up! And excuse me for trying to get a better social life. You're so useless, and only you would know how to get your own self esteem levels in the negatives in one minute. ~
And so the mentally insane person starts arguing with herself, to accomplish what? WHO KNOWS? Not her.
That's when I stepped out of my reverie to do some rational thinking.
Great, I'm arguing with myself. Again. This is really starting to get extremely scary. First, your one and only best friend moves1. And then, to make things creepier, that's when the nightmares started… Oh wait. *
There it is! Man, I've been trying to find why the nightmares started ever since they got out of hand. It was right there in front of me! Jeez, I must be insanely stupid.
Actually, I wouldn't put it against you, with the insane part. You argue with yourself, both in thought and speech, you're anti-social, your grades are slipping, and you've been cracking up for no reason, and that is not normal, especially when a main character on T.V. dies.^
All reasons why you have no friends. You really are a piece of work, you know that? Your best friend was your best friend because she was obsessed with the same things you are. You both sat at the wacko nerd table at lunch.~
-Sigh- I'm insane because Carly moved. The nightmares don't help, either. God knows where what mom would do if I really told her about the… images. She'd send me away for therapy at the very least. "It's because I love you." Heh, the universal excuse for covering up bullshit. I mean, I know she does, but still.*
No, you're only assuming it's because Carly moved that you "went insane" and the nightmare's started. You have no idea what the real reason is. ^
Don't you two have places to be? *
-In unison- No. ^~
Great. And by the way, you sound like you know what you're, err… "talking" about, so how 'bout it? What do you know that I don't? *
Silence.
WOW. I'm interrogating my own mind for things I know for certain I don't know. Like I would come up with an answer just by asking myself. Right.*
At that moment, I heard a deep, low, gruff, and hushed male voice, so quiet it seemed like it was so far gone, in some kind of lost memory. If I weren't really listening for the possible answer to my earlier question, I don't think I would have heard it. What's more, the voice sounded familiar, comforting… it was talking to me endearingly. To ME. No one but my parents talk to be like that.
"If you only knew, If only I could tell you. Everything would be different."
A/N: So there we have it, first chapter. Please Review, I am in need of constructive criticism, since this is the first story I've ever written.I usually don't write because at school it's all boring stuff. But I had this idea and I couldn't get it out of my head. So, I know the story is slow right now, many first chapters are, but I left a few things to confuse you, so please keep with it ^^;;.
So, if any of you want me to continue writing, please review! Thanks!
1.-I know the friend moving away thing is sorta cliché but it still happens. Plus I'm building up for something. :D
REVIEW PLEASE