Alright, this is a very disturbed story from a very disturbed person about a very disturbed person. The pairing is KyleXClyde Frog. lol, Enjoy ;)
I'm a poor boy.
Yes, I am a very poor boy and everybody knows that. Even though I play so tough at the outside, I, too, know it very well. Not just the fact that I am whiny, heartless, antisemitic, fat and really, really spoiled by my slutty mother, I don't have any friends. But the worst part is that I had them: Stan, Kenny, Butters, Kyle, Tweak, Craig, Clyde, just to name a few. Some of them were my friends and some of them would've been my friends if I had been just a little bit nicer to them.
But no, I needed to throw away every single friendship I had in my entire life. Even my supposed 'BFF', Kenny gave up his hopes for a better Eric Cartman. A loving and caring Eric Cartman... sounds way too gay to be true. And even the naive Butters finally understood what I was (the moment he realized it was really, really funny, though). But actually I don't care... Honestly! I am a loner, I have been a loner and I will be a loner all my life. I could find new friends, somewhere, I could even rekindle old friendships, somehow, but that wouldn't change anything about this fact. I can't play in a team and in school I hate working together with other people on some gay, little project or whatever.
"I am Eric Cartman and I hate the humanity," was a sentence some of my classmates said for a while to tease me. It didn't work, because they were just telling me what I already knew. I can't get along with people and that's okay the way it is. They just piss me off so much.
But the part about having absolutely no friends isn't exactly true. I have friends! Besides myself my best friend is Artemis Clyde Frog (read the first sentence again). He was created by my creative little brain, back in first or second grade. It's an old, stuffed animal even my mom might have played with in her childhood, though I don't think she was into stuffed animals and this stuff if you know what I mean. Anyway, Clyde Frog was different from my other "friends" like Precious, Polly Prissy Pants or Rumpertumskin. He was my favorite and he developed a real personality, which promoted him from a "friend" to a friend and later to THE friend. Clyde Frog even insults me sometimes, not like my other "friends" did who were perfect and kind in every way, at least to me. Clyde Frog is smart, maybe even smarter than me... and I am hell-a smart! I think he would hate me like my other friends but he's too smart to hate. There's only one person my Clyde Frog hates or at least I think he hates him: Kyle Broflovski!
Kyle ripped his head off in fourth grade. It was actually, kind of, sort of, my fault but Clyde Frog doesn't know that, so it doesn't matter. But since that day he isn't the same... Of course my mom sewed his head on again and he survived. But since that day, he's different. He became calmer and doesn't always speak to me. It's like something's bothering him. I think he wants to take vengeance on Kyle, though I'm not sure. Clyde Frog's mind became too complex for me to understand.
"I want to see Kyle," he says very often these days and I'm slowly but surely getting sick of his bitching, so I'm gonna bring him to Kyle. And guess what, today is the day! I stuff the poor frog in my pocket and make my way to the Broflovski residence. I haven't actually set a foot in that Jewish house for 4 years now. Last time was when I was 11 and sneaking into his room for some reason. Dunno why anymore, it was something about apple Jews, I think. (Haha, I'm funny, ain't I?) Well, whatever, I made it to his house. Hmm, from the outside it looks as Jewish as always. I wonder if those Jews spent money on new furniture and at least changed its inner appearance... but I wouldn't count on it. I'm walking to the house across the street, "Shut up, Clyde Frog, we're here." I really hate bitching. Especially from a stuffed frog.
I walk up to the door and ring the doorbell. Well, the sound of the doorbell didn't change. Amazing what things you notice if you haven't been to a place for a few years. Oh, the door is opening... and behind the door iiiiiis... Kyle's bitchy mom, as fat and Jewish as always. What a nice surprise.
"Oh, hello... Eric," man she sounds surprised, "I haven't seen you in a while."
"Hello, Mrs. Broflovski. I know it was quite some time. Is Kyle home?" I ask in the politest tone I can offer.
"Yes, he's upstairs. Come on in," she says. Wow, she's a little too nice for my taste.
"Thanks, Mrs. Broflovski," I say and step inside. Nope, no new furniture there. Nothing. Like I predicted... see, I'm smart!
I slowly go upstairs. Clyde Frog and my heart don't like running too much, I'm afraid. So, "immer mitte' Ruh'" how Hitler's North and West German comrades would've said. I reached the top of the staircase pretty fast anyways, and am now approaching Kyle's door. Hm, Kyle's name decorates his room door. That's new. And the letters all have different colors! Green, yellow, orange, red. Damn, those Jews really have gotten creative, but it's still totally gay! Haha.
Anyway, I naturally don't bother knocking, so I open the door and look at the 15-year-old Jew sitting on his computer. "Finally," says Clyde Frog. Hmm, I wonder what he's gonna do to Kyle.
Kyle looks at me and frowns, "Cartman? Who let you in?"
"You're bitchy kike mother, of course," wow, I'm really antisemitic today... more than usual.
Kyle glares at me, "Fuck off, Cartman! You can go home again!"
"Dude, sorry. Don't be so whiny all the time, you know how I am, geez."
He looked at me slyly, "Alright, what do you want?"
"Nothing. I mean, I'm not the one who wants something," I reach up my pocket and pull my green friend out (hehe) and throw him to Kyle who catches him instinctively.
He looks at Clyde Frog and recognizes him, "Wow, you still have that thing?"
"Yes, but now he wants something from you, so I had to come here, so he would stop his endless bitching," I explain. Man, what a fucked up situation.
"Cartman..., are you insane?" Kyle asks calmly. He doesn't laugh to my surprise.
"No, really, he wants something from you. Listen! Tell him Clyde Frog!" Oh, right, he can't hear him. Silly me.
Kyle opens his mouth to speak but then he just sighs and shakes his head, throwing Clyde Frog back to me, "You totally lost it, Cartman. Go home." He turned back to his computer.
"Hold on," I say as Clyde Frog raises his voice. Kyle turns around again and looks at me curiously.
"Eric, I want to kiss, Kyle," Clyde Frog says. What the fuck?
"What? Why?" Kyle closes his eyes, probably thinking of a way to escape in case the lunatic goes wild.
"Because I love him," Clyde Frog answers calmly. I can't believe my ears, he doesn't want vengeance? He's in love? How faggy is that? Jesus Christ, monkeyballs.
"Are you insane?" I ask, almost shouting.
"Yes, insanely in love with the Jew, now let me kiss him!"
I don't have a choice, "Goddamn it, alright!" I walk over to Kyle and want to put Clyde Frog to his mouth but I'm interrupted by that annoying green thing in my hand again, "He has to hold me!"
"Jesus, anything else?" I say as I hand Kyle the stuffed frog again.
"No, thank you. That would be all," he smugly retorts.
Kyle has observed our weird conversation, of course he only heard me so he doesn't know what he's supposed to do with Clyde Frog, "Okay, and what now?"
"He wants to kiss you," I say. This is getting weirder with every second.
Kyle just looks at me.
"Do it already, so I can leave this stupid Jew-house," I'm getting pissed off.
"Cartman, what's your problem? Is that some plan to fuck me up again? Photograph me kissing a plush frog or is my dream prince supposed to appear or what?" he asks.
"No, Kahl. It's just because Clyde Frog loves you. He just wants a little kiss and then we're both gone. Promised," I say.
"Or is there poison on its mouth so I die when I kiss it?" he continues to ask.
I take a deep breath, "No, Kahl. There's no poison, no photo, no prince, just you and Clyde Frog and a little kiss. I won't laugh, I don't find it funny at all."
"And you leave me alone then?"
"Yes."
"Promised?"
"Yes, promised. Now kiss the fucking frog!"
"Alright, alright," he says and presses his lips to frog's. His eyes are closed and it looks really, really weird but I can't help but think that this scene also looks utterly cute. But I'm not gay! No, no, no!
The kiss lasts, and lasts, and lasts. After approximately five amazing seconds he pulls the frog away from his lips. Kyle looks a little scared. Why did that kiss last so long?
Kyle, still a bit shocked, holds Clyde Frog with both hands in front of his face and looks at him.
"I love you," I hear Clyde Frog whisper and Kyle steps back.
Suddenly he comes to his senses again and throws Clyde Frog back to me.
"Get out," he simply says and I obey his wish.
"Hm, that was sweet," Clyde Frog says in a dreamy voice as I go down the staircase again.
"Nasty frog. What did you do to the poor Jew?" I smirk.
"Maybe he likes me, too, what do you think, fatass?"
"Ay," I shout angrily and stuff him back into my pocket.
Thanks for reading and please review :) Don't care what. Flame, praise, criticism, whatever.