An Ali and Johnny story: What Was I Thinking?

I didn't know what to do, it felt awkward when he did it, and he made it more awkward by the silence he showed. How could I give it away? Just like that? He was now laying down by my side and was slowly taking in breath and letting it out. I could still feel him doing it. It was uncomfortable, the way it happened and all.

"Hey, are you okay? Did I hurt you too much?" Johnny asked softly to the darkness.

How could I know, it was my first time... Which scared me… and it left its scar on my life now. He was so greasy and I just let him... I breathed deeply and watched the ceiling of the van; I didn't want to talk, not to him ever again in my life. I wished he'd go away and leave me alone.

"Hey, Bhandari, I'm sorry. I couldn't control myself… I'm sorry, I have to leave…" Good, he talked to me like I was a baby. He leaned up and laid his back against the van's metallic wall and stared out the window with a look of a robot on his face. Then he looked at my with his blue eyes, oh those gorgeous blue eyes, the one that looked like a trapped animal, they had trapped me… He's the baby here.

Then I remembered what Emma, Darcy, and Manny had said about him, that he'd been with lots of girls. Who else had he'd give his "love" to? How many had he'd taken away and caged in his heart? How gross was he?

I watched him find his belongings and he left me there, alone in silence without a "goodbye" or anything. How could he just leave in a hurry like that, I mean I wanted him to leave and he did say "sorry" like twice, but I needed more, hunger for more of an apology from him. Did he mean it? I hope so.

I just lay there, unmoving in the darkness. I wanted to scream at Johnny for being like he was. He would just forget about me anyway. I thought to myself; What was I thinking?

I went to home feeling dirty and I quietly went to my room unnoticed. I wanted to be unnoticed. I made my way to my room then to my dresser. I got into my pajamas and slid into my bed.

My mom came in and asked how my night was and I told her it was okay, what a lie… When she left I just stared into space and thought about what Johnny could be thinking about right now.

I was messed up and wanted to just die. What if I caught something from him? A disease or something? Ew. I curled up under my covers and cried myself to sleep.