The night before and the morning after
One can look back at the past and ask themselves, what if? this and what if? that. Actually, life can be looked at with that phrase hanging at the back of your head, "if only…" and maybe you would sigh with regret or shudder with apprehension.
What if? She wonders. It was because of those stupid glasses. Master Splinter would have been a dead pile of fur and maggots, sewer surfing under Edo right now. But, alas! Sa-chan found contact lenses too bothersome. And so instead of that, she was jumping on top of decrepit houses, uncomfortably near the slummy areas of the city. But as will be revealed later, her escape isn't exactly as anime artists usually dream it to be, but rather the stuff of dreamy romantic-comedy writers up for a commendation in Cosmopolitan magazine or desperate fanfiction scribblers who could only do so much to alter the reality created by their mangaka heroes.
And let's reveal some of his thoughts now, but for his side, there is that nagging phrase, "if only." If only he had listened to that old woman downstairs and had fixed that Kagura-and-Sadaharu-created patch of roof above his bed. Or if only he wasn't so resistant to typhoons whenever they came and made a puddly mess in his room. Maybe he would have enjoyed the next day's hangover in peace. Like any other normal natural-permed guy with a head recovering from brain cells due to abnormal blood alcohol levels would.
But what ifs and if onlies are just fragments of passive thoughts, which only exist in the realm of ideas, and reality is usually an entirely different thing. Because that night, as most of us probably know, Sa-chan met Gintoki. And as we all know, that started a rather amusing chain of events, but let's imagine an event contrary to what we all believe, because that's what good fanfiction is made of, right? (Well, at least, this humble author thinks so.)
So let's start narrating: Sarutobi Ayame, alias Sa-chan, ex-Oniwabanshuu member, assassin and part-time Ninja Café waitress, jumped all over here-and-there houses, much like an overcaffeinated monkey with nicotine patches all over—that's adrenaline for you. She was supposed to retreat back to HQ, but she was actually headed the opposite direction. It wasn't because it was so dark in the dead of night, nor was it because she was being chased into a corner by the Nezumiya's lackeys. She had a vague idea on where to go, but all her ninjitsu-improved sense of direction was being challenged by her constantly shifting vision, as her glasses bounced up and down her face.
So surprised was she when out of nowhere, zoop! A rabbit hole! Admittedly, Sa-chan was rather confused when this happened. What was a hole doing there? Was she falling into Wonderland now? Was she going to see Elmer Fudd peeking from above with a shotgun? Oh, dreary confusion! But all that puzzlement disappeared a split-second later when her ass felt hardwood floor instead of mossy rocks and earth.
She felt some dust cloud around her. She could only stare at the blur around her, stunned, as it settled and the last bits of wood and roof tile comically bounced on her head.
And then, silence.
"Idiot! Keep it down," yelled a young, female voice from a room outside.
It would seem that these sorts of noises were normal for this home, concluded Sa-chan. But before she could conclude anything more, a masculine, weary voice from somewhere else in this room muttered softly. "What? What? Gin-chan's been passed out for an hour and a half… I think…"
Oh no, somebody's in here… very near me, even, thought Sa-chan nervously. As silently as she could, she groped around her for her glasses, but besides the debris around her, what she felt was a soft, fleshy and irregular surface.
Interesting. It was a mesmerizing texture. The small hairs at the area were a particularly fun part to feel. She didn't stop poking and prodding it until something snapped at her wrist.
"Eh? Whoever you are, stop touching my face," groaned the same male voice, albeit vaguely.
Click.Next thing she knew, the dark blur before her eyes got brighter and blurrier. From what she can fathom, she was in a rather messy bedroom with colourful manga posters at one end and a closed door.
A rustling, and then she was looking directly into a face. Not much details, just the dull reddish-brown eyes and a rather messy pile of white hair on top. The smell of sake was overwhelming though, and she had to clasp her nose to keep herself from reacting verbally.
To her surprise, the person in front of her did the same thing. "What the hell is that? Natto?" he asked. Or rather, slurred. So it would seem that he was still buzzed.
Sa-chan decided not to speak. At least he was incapacitated, in a sense, and it was likely that if she managed to escape during the night, he would wake up the next morning and wouldn't remember a thing. All she had to do was to sneak off now, slowly, discreetly…
But the guy wasn't letting go of her wrist just yet. He vaguely turned his head and surveyed the room. "Huh? Crap, did I enter the wrong house again? Did Zura throw me in some random hostel or S&M inn? Are you a hostess?" he muttered, pointing an unsteady finger at Sa-chan.
At the mention of S&M, Sa-chan felt herself shake and blush for some reason. Noticing this, the guy groaned and hit his forehead in disdain. "Sorry, ain't got any money left. I think I had to sell my pants for the bus fare home. Actually, I'm not sure. Hey, am I wearing pants?"
Because her wrist was still held hostage, Sa-chan decided that it wasn't good to upset the guy. "Yes." (Even though she wasn't so sure herself.)
"Ah. Are you wearing pants?"
"I—of course I am!" Sa-chan said in indignation. But she looked down on herself just to make sure. "Oh. Actually, no."
"No?! Hmm?"
"I'm wearing shorts, I think…" she said, squinting as she looked down on her legs. Yep. There was something black covering her thighs.
"Shorts?! SHORTS?! Not during the conservative shogun period?!" the guy exclaimed. In a freak-out pose, he tried to jump away from her, but instead he plopped down on half a futon and the floor. Because he still gripped her wrist, he took her down with him. She gave a tiny squeak as she fell face-first on the floor beside him.
Suddenly, he rolled over and lay down on half of her body. Then he appeared as wasted as before and didn't seem to have the energy to sit up again.
Ohh crap. Is he going to take advantage of me now? Is he going to torture me before playing with my body?! Her thoughts went wild as the guy noisily snored above her. Desperately, she stuck her hand inside her clothes and groped for her tiny ninja knives, whatever they were called. She discovered that she probably used them all up at the Nezumiya, and she only had a plastic chopstick with her.
Determined to escape using whatever means possible, she gripped the chopstick in her right hand. Sa-chan, don't succumb to the darkness! she thought to herself as she braced herself to turn over and stab the guy…
But as her hand went down to stab his back, another hand caught it.
The guy groggily looked up at her and slurred, "No, Jo-chan! Kenshin still loves you!"
Sa-chan stared at him, dumbstruck. He's drunk! And he still noticed that I was about to kill him! And was that Rurouni Kenshin I just heard?
"Heeeh heh heh heh. Gin-chan likes period dramas. They're pretty far out," he said before passing out again.
…Gin-chan? She stared at the drunken guy, who was now asleep, head resting at the curve of her hip. Needless to say, it was a rather awkward position, but despite herself, she gently freed her right hand from his and nonchalantly poked the inside of his nose.
No response. Most definitely asleep now.
She pushed his head off herself; it landed with a thud on the floor. And then, she tried to stand up, but realized that she couldn't.
It was because her legs were now tangled up in his arms and legs. Actually, it's pretty awkward to both visualize and imagine, so let's just say that he hugged certain parts of her body as one would hug a pillow sideways.
Ah, now what do I do? Sa-chan, what pinch have you gotten yourself into?!She thought in desperation. Maybe now that he was asleep, she could kill him and make her escape? If that's the case, she needs a better weapon.
She looked around her and saw a long, brown blur at the side of the futon. She reached out to it, hoping that it was an American baseball bat that she could use to hit his head.
But as she felt it, she realized that it was actually a wooden sword. Well, she could use it all right, but she also realized that it most likely belonged to this Gin-chan, who had rather nifty reflexes even in that drunken state.
It could, in effect, also mean that she was dealing with a samurai.
Which meant that Sa-chan was rather screwed right now.
Processing these bits of information, she groaned and fell on half the futon with a ploof.
Sa-chan… what else could you do? She thought to herself in resignation. She looked at her new futon-mate and assessed the situation again. She decided that he was probably too wasted to try anything and to just wait and see what happens the next day.
Exhausted from escaping from the Nezumiya, and now being unwittingly captured by a silver-haired samurai, she surprisingly found it easy to fall asleep.
For his part, Gintoki didn't process anything that happened during that time. However, right before he opened his eyes the following morning, he could remember some odd bits and pieces of utterings in the dark, such as:
Mm. This smells nice.
Gin-san, not there…
Shorts? SHORTS?! Are these shorts?!
Zura, you paid for this, right? Huh.
This isn't a pillow, is it?... ah well.
Hey, you're not supposed to place your foot there.
And the rather vague and mysterious:
Ooh, soft.
Well, at least most of them were his utterings. At the time, he didn't think much of the other voice because he assumed that he was just dreaming.
But that morning—oh boy—the usual noises were going on outside again. He dreaded having to hear Shinpachi's naggy voice that morning. It was bad enough on normal mornings that weren't morning afters, but now that he had a hangover, please, just spare Gintoki…
"Ah! Gin-chan's something something something aru? Lemme see aru aru!" There was a Chinese-sounding squealing outside his door. So the next one is Shinpachi again.
"No, Kagura-chan, don't look!"
Huh? Why would he be screaming that?
The next thing that Gintoki had to question was the sullen silence that followed after Shinpachi's daily nag.
"Huh?... Too noisy…" he said, finally giving in to the wake-up call and opening his eyes.
Shinpachi's and Kagura's faces were pretty far from him, but he could see that they were holding wan facial expressions on them and were turning a rather curious shade of grey.
…Hrm?
What's this? There was a weight pinning him down to his futon. And he felt something entangled with his legs.
…Hrrm?
He turned his head and saw a face. A female face. A sleeping female face.
… Hrrrrm?!
Well, a rumpus inevitably took place afterward, but he managed to run away from the scene to check himself in the bathroom.
He couldn't have done anything, could he? Well, she was clothed, so nothing R-rated could have happened, right, right?
He undressed himself and examined various parts of his body to make sure. Nothing there, no marks or anything, so he couldn't have done anything weird, right right right?
"Ah!" he squealed. His nose! There was a weird circular mark from the inside of his nose! How he saw this was a mystery, but the important thing was that it didn't prove that he did anything that would qualify for a beating from Ketsuno Ana's Women's Desk,right right right?!
Meanwhile, as Gintoki searched high and low for evidences that could say something about the night before, Sa-chan was in the living room, drinking a cup of coffee offered to her by the boy with glasses. Despite his and the Chinese girl's awed stares, she was enjoying herself.
"Shinpachi… she's glowing… does that mean…?" said the girl, eyes wide.
The boy reprimanded her, of course, and when the girl called Kagura-chan started asking questions about those things adults do on American TV, in reference to Gin-chan, he tried in vain to deflect the questions with vague explanations andcan-we-please-talk-about-this-later?
But Sa-chan didn't pay attention to them. She smiled like a Mona Lisa would, even though whatever happened that night was a mystery, even to herself.
- end -
Author's notes: Well, that's out of my brain, finally! Cheers
for finishing my first non-Death Note Fic! Hip hip hooray!
I care about what you think, so whatever it is, spit it out! And,
thanks for reading til the end. Hehehe!