"Hey Kumakoffy, are you up for a little tail?" Mathew asked his white cat as they lay together on his bed. Mathew grimaced, "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That sentence wasn't meant to come out that way. I meant a story, that type of tail."
Kumajiro seemed to be giving him a reproachful look, flicking his fluffy tail back and forth and giving Mathew a stare only an albino Maine Coon cat was capable of. A kind of stare that even when playing seemed to say, "Really? How dumb are you?"
"I'm being completely honest here Kuma, I swear I didn't mean it like that, jeez Kuma, lighten up." Mathew paused for a moment, considering his current actions.
"I'm arguing with a cat, you can't even speak back to me and I'm just thinking up your responses. I guess I'm really just arguing with myself then, right? I mean you can't even talk and I am really the only one speaking so that means I'm arguing with myself. Oh well, I already knew I was hopeless, these small revelations make no difference to me anymore. It's not like I have anyone else to talk to. All right, so um, what I wanted to talk about has nothing to do with those stupid, silly little puns. That wasn't what I wanted to talk about at all."
Mathew lay back on his bed, relaxing against its comforting softness supporting him. Kumajiro curled up more at his side, scotching a bit closer to Mathew to become more comfortable as well.
Kumajiro started to knead his front paws against Mathew's left side, his sharp claws flashing out each time he stretched his paws out to bestow slight pinpricks of pain and discomfort onto that side of Mathew's stomach. It tickled more than anything though, so Mathew caught his paws, trying to find the right words to scold him. Mathew swore Kuma's face looked like it was smiling mischievously at him.
"Hey now, don't do that, it hurts." Mathew sighed.
"My question for you Kuma, is this: what is the point in life? Pretty heavy topic huh? But really, there are so many people in this world now. It's not like I have any hope of making a difference and yet, here I go with my life, doing useless little things that probably won't help anyone when all is said and done in the end. What's the point in it all if you can't help anyone?
What's the point in it all if you can't seem to identify that one emotion that everyone else seems to have, and yet you don't? That feeling called happiness. Why can't I seem to find it? What is it that's so wrong with me Kuma?
Do I just have too much going on in my life? But, whenever I try to cut it down I become too apathetic; I lose even more interest in my life.
It seems like I just keep going through this one never ending pattern, a single cycle I just keep going through again and again. I go and fill my life up to the brim with a million and one activities; my clubs and what needs to be done for each of them. And then, I always find a few more things to fill up the rest of my life. And here is where the pattern starts; there will always be that one thing that comes up to the forefront of my mind to be identified as "Most Exciting".
I stick with it for a while, I become obsessed with it, I give it my all the whole time. And then, I lose interest first in everything else I do, I just stop giving it my all in the other activities, and then I lose interest and stop doing my best with my obsession at the time.
After that I either find something totally new or one thing I'd been doing before catches my interest again and the whole process starts over again.
I'm sick of it Kumakichi. How can I stay interested in all of it all of the time, always? Hey, Kuma?
But of course you can't answer and I have no one else to ask. So, the answer stays the same. I don't know. I still don't know what to do Kuma."
Mathew got up from his bed and turned off the lights keeping his room from darkness; lying back down on his bed Kuma crawled over to sleep on top of his chest.
"I feel like I'm lying all the time Kuma. But, does it really count as lies?
What is this thing called love that everyone else my age seems to be obsessed with? Why don't I get to know what it is? What can be so great about another person that you can claim that you love them? How do you know if you're in love? What does it mean to love another person, like truly love someone?
How do you know if you even have a crush on someone? Is there a manual for that kind of stuff? A how-to book you can always refer to? How can you tell if you care about another person Kuma? I can't even tell if I care about you!
Does that mean I'm lying to my family whenever I say "I love you" to them? I don't know what love means, what right have I to keep lying to my family when I don't know if I feel any love for them?
I've heard love described as a fierce yearning to be with someone, a yearning, a need, I think it's just a want, to be with them for your whole life, and if possible all of theirs. I've been told that if they were to leave your life you would cry at their absence.
I don't miss my family Kuma, ever. I spend half of my time away from half of my family at all times. You know, because of their joint custody Kuma. Either I'm with my English Dad for half of the week or I'm with my French Papa for the other half of the week. I'm never with all of my family at any one time.
Even my brother, even though the reason Papa and Dad have joint custody is because they didn't want to separate us fully which is pretty funny because they didn't know each other before then, but even though there's the joint custody Alfred still spends more time with Dad instead of going back and forth with me.
Yet, I never miss him either. I never miss any of them.
I spend my entire summer away from all of them too, three months away from them and yet I don't miss them.
I have never cried for any of my dead relatives either. I lied to my parents for sure about that too. When my uncle died, I never cried. It didn't seem to bother me at all. I just told Dad that I was sad though, because he was crying. It was too awkward for me, I didn't want him to feel weak. Dad is strong, that's the way I've always thought of him as, that's the way he should stay in my mind. So I cried, not from the death, but from a small pinch to my forearm that I squeezed as hard as I could. Does that count as crying Kuma?
Well, I guess this will probably come in handy when I'm older, right Kuma? Adults are always expected to have a tight control of their emotions, I've got that down pat, so pesky emotions like sadness not bothering me will be good then; at that time.
It will be good, right? It's not bad that I don't care about other humans? I know I care about you guys at least though Kuma. You, and the other cats Dad and Papa have. I know I care about you guys. I still cry when I think of any of the deaths that have already happened before you came to live with me. But, I can't identify that feeling of caring yet, so does that count as caring?
It makes me-I… don't actually know what it makes me feel like when I think about how I might not love you guys. I think it puzzles me, to think about whether or not I truly love all of my cats, including you Kuma.
It's too bad that you will never be able to answer me. Always my only best friend will have to stay myself. Though that's because humans can never seem to count those different from themselves as being able to be called a friend, or in many cases human.
You're not human Kuma and only humans can be called friends. That's what everyone seems to think. Why else would people not count their pets among their friends? So, I don't know if we can really be called friends Kuma. You're definitely the closest to me, that's for sure. But, you also can't help me with any of my problems and I think that's what friends are supposed to be for; someone to rely on when you need it. You can't do it, so I guess you're not my friend Kuma. Then, if you're not my friend, who can I honestly count as my friend?
I don't know Kumakicha, I don't know anything about that kind of stuff."
Mathew got up from his bed and paced trying to be careful not to bump into anything in the dark and wake everyone up with the noise that would cause. Kumajiro stayed expressionless to his feelings of pain, or at least, that's what it seemed like to Mathew.
"I guess I'm still just wasting all my precious words like I have always done. I just need to stay quiet and watch the other kids in my class some more. Maybe their actions will be able to tell me the answers to at least a few of my questions." Finally, for what seemed like the first time that day, Mathew smiled.
"I guess you are my friend Kuma. Thanks for listening to me talk like that. That really did help me a lot."
Mathew got back into bed and ruffled the top of his cat's fluffy head before giving him a small kiss to rest on the top of his small head.
"Good night Kuma."
This time going into his bed, Mathew was able to fall asleep.