Only when you drink from the river of silence
shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top,
then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs,
then shall you truly dance.
Excerpt from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran
"Deb, that had to be one of your best meals yet," Justin complimented his friend as he dried off a rooster-motif dinner plate and handed it to her to stack on top of the other dishes lying flat on the counter.
"Thanks, Sunshine," she said, uncharacteristically subdued as she patted him briefly on his shoulder. She smiled wistfully, lost in thought as she opened up the top cabinet directly in front of her and placed the stack of dishes on the bottom shelf. Justin watched as she slowly ran one red-lacquered fingernail around the rim of the bottom-most dinner plate before she gently closed the door back.
She placed the matching rooster kitchen towel on the counter and wiped her hands off on her half-apron before she turned to face her young friend. "Brings back old times," she said with a sad smile as she leaned over to give Justin a kiss on the cheek.
"Deb? You okay?" Justin asked, his brow furrowed in worry as he leaned against the laminate countertop and looked intently into her face which looked strangely preoccupied. He frowned; Debbie waxing nostalgic over a dinner plate? This was NOT his friend's typical, exuberant style. The only other time he could ever remember her being this way was when she had decided, foolishly, to quit her job and had soon discovered that when she had, a vital part of her life had been torn away from her. Only after going back to work at the diner had she really become her old self again. Now, she still worked at the diner, still complained about the ungodly hours and the melodramatic queens who constantly griped about their love lives (or lack thereof), and still put in way too many shifts, but it was a 'good' type of weariness. The diner had always given her a purpose to get up in the morning – not the only purpose, for sure, especially with Carl in her life now, along with a new granddaughter that she doted on – but it made her feel fulfilled and useful, and Justin figured the diner would always need Debbie and Debbie would always need the diner. It was like this symbiotic relationship that worked out perfectly between them.
Debbie smiled tenderly at her young friend. Justin always did have a special place in her heart. From the moment she had laid eyes on that wondrous smile and looked into that beautiful, innocent face at the diner, she had been enchanted with him instantly and had felt a certain sense of motherly protectiveness toward him. Since that first day, her love for this young man had only grown by leaps and bounds as she watched him mature into a courageous, creative, and determined individual, one that she was inordinately proud of and loved deeply, just as if he were a flesh-and-blood son. Justin's compassion for his family and friends, in fact, was one of things that she most loved about him, she decided, as she peered back into his concerned eyes and did her best to hide her aching heart.
"I'm fine, Sunshine," she reassured him softly, but Justin merely arched one eyebrow at her in that look of his that told her he wasn't buying her bullshit.
The sounds filtering in from the nearby dining room of the home that she and Carl now shared between them were muffled, but distinctly enthusiastic as several boisterous voices sounded at once. No doubt their friends and family were still discussing the merits of raising boys vs. girls over dessert, a topic that Brian had vehemently opted out of in favor of going out back for a smoke. After his partner had conveniently escaped, Justin had followed her into the kitchen with a stack full of the soiled dinner dishes to help her clean up, choosing to follow Brian's lead and stay out of what was quickly turning into a rowdy discussion between the girls, his mother, Ben and Michael.
"Deb?" Justin continued to press as he wiped his hands off to dry them with another towel and placed it on the countertop next to the drying rack.
Debbie sighed, knowing Justin wouldn't let the subject drop until she gave him an answer. "It's nothing, Baby. Really. It's just…today would have been Vic's 55th birthday." She nodded her head over toward the kitchen cabinet to explain, "Those dishes were Vic's Christmas present to me the winter before he died. He told me after I had unwrapped them, and oohed and aahed over them, that he thought they were the ugliest damn dishes he had ever seen when he found them at the antique market, but he knew I would love them, so he bought them for me anyway." She paused before adding more softly, "Now every time I use them, I think about him."
She turned to head to look out over the kitchen sink window into the narrow plot of backyard outside; a strong thunderstorm had ripped through the neighborhood earlier in the day, bringing with it gusty winds which had blown numerous leaves from the next door neighbor's house into her backyard. She grinned wryly as she noticed the ground literally covered now with green leaves from the Henderson's century-old maple tree next door.
"Vic would be having a shit fit right now if he saw all those leaves on the ground," she said as Justin grinned at her. "He was so messy in the kitchen whenever he was whipping up one of his cakes," she said, a fond smile on her face, "but by the time he was done out back with the yard, it would look like a garden spot." She turned to look at her friend. "We got the tastiest tomatoes out of that little shit hole-in-the-wall garden he used to tend to every year. Don't know where the fuck he learned how to grow vegetables, either. God knows our mother and father didn't have a green thumb, even though every year they tried – and failed – to grow anything except weeds." She smiled in recollection as Justin gazed back at her in fascination, having never heard this about their childhood before.
"He was always such a little practical joker when he was a kid. When Vic was about eight years old, he took one of our mother's green peppers out of the crisper drawer and placed it on one of our father's vegetable plants to make it look like it had grown there. Our father came inside about an hour later, looking all smug and proud of what he had done, until Vic couldn't keep a straight face and burst out laughing and the jig was up. Little shit never WAS good at keeping secrets!"
Justin grinned. Yep, he could definitely see Vic as a practical joker; despite the man having to live with AIDS during the time he had known him, he could still see a certain playful evilness lurking underneath. "I didn't know he liked to keep a garden out there," he told her as he leaned back against the counter to get comfortable, the conversation in the other room fading away until it was just the two of them. "Is that where you got all your 'home-grown tomatoes' for your spaghetti sauce?" Debbie always made the most delicious meatballs with spaghetti sauce; even Brian had been persuaded to eat it, as long as she used whole-wheat spaghetti and didn't waver from her homemade recipe. He wouldn't be caught dead eating sauce from a jar, but Justin had noticed he had eagerly dug into his dinner earlier.
She nodded with a smile. "You bet your cute little ass that's where they came from! You know what's funny, though? He could whip up the most amazing vegetable garden in that little plot of land back there, but the only flowers he could ever get to bloom were the silk kind! He tried for years to get ANY of his tulips to bloom and never could get them to have so much as a bud on them, even though they always looked nice and healthy. It drove him fucking crazy!" She grinned. "I turned the tables on him one day, though. Our father would have been proud, God rest his soul. I bought some fake tulips at the dollar store a few years ago and stuck them in the ground out there along the side fence next to the other ones; you know they can look pretty real nowadays."
Her mind wandered back to that day as she turned to look out the window at the spot, now showing the definite signs of spring growth; the tulip stalks were reaching upwards of six inches now. The season used to always be her favorite time of year, but this year it held no special significance to her. All the joy that normally came with the rebirth of spring was missing; missing because her favorite gardening partner wasn't there anymore. She smiled to herself, not paying any attention to the sounds around her or to Justin quietly standing next to her, waiting for her to continue with her story.
"He came rushing into the house that day so he could smugly point them out to me." Her smile became wider at the remembrance. "I encouraged him to go out and 'pick' some for me, and that's when he discovered what I had done. He got me good with the water hose later on, though," she said with a laugh. She remembered that day well; it had been one of those marvelous, rare days when her brother had actually felt good – strong and happy, with no hint of the nausea or weakness that haunted him so often. Yes, it had been a wondrous, miraculous day, a day that reminded both of them of the 'good old days' before that awful illness robbed him of his health and eventually took him away from her. Despite everything, it had never robbed him of his fighting spirit, though; she supposed she could take some comfort in that.
She let out a breath, the melancholy threatening to bubble up inside of her again. That always tended to happen whenever she thought of her only brother and the circumstances of how they had parted on such difficult terms. It had taken her a long time to come to grips with how harshly she had treated him, and despite the passage of time, she knew she would regret not having the chance to make that up to him every day for the rest of her life.
Slowly, though, the sad times and the regret had gradually been replaced with memories of the good times they had shared, and with the knowledge that no matter what their ups and downs had been, one thing had remained steadfast throughout – the love that they had shared and the triumphs they had experienced – victories that were few and few between at times, definitely, but that were so sweet when they did occur.
Today, though, on the first anniversary of his birthday since his death, she was feeling inordinately sad. She had managed to convince herself earlier in the day that it would be just another date and that she would be so busy working at the diner and preparing for her dinner this evening, she wouldn't even realize what day it was. But as the day progressed, she had found herself stopping to reflect on what her only sibling had meant to her and what a profound impact he had had on her life, and she realized she had only been kidding herself. It wasn't just another day. It was her brother's birthday, the first birthday without him, and the hole he had left in her heart was a weighty one.
She blinked, not realizing she had retreated inside herself with her memories, until she felt Justin's arm on her shoulder and she turned to give him a reassuring smile. "I'm okay, Sunshine really," she reassured him, noticing the worry in his eyes. "I'm just a little sentimental today, I guess, with his birthday and all."
Justin nodded. "That's perfectly understandable," he told her. "I miss him, too, Deb. Even with his illness, he was always so much fun to be around." He smiled. "In a way, he was responsible for Brian and me getting together…at least early on. If he hadn't given me his I.D. card for Babylon..."
Debbie grinned in recollection. "Yeah, I remember. He gave that to you at Woody's, didn't he?" Justin nodded. "You were probably the best-preserved old man they had ever seen that night."
Justin laughed. "Yeah, I was scared shitless that the bouncer would tell me to go take a hike after he saw the birthdate, but he just made some joke about it and let me in anyway. I actually tried to get Daphne to leave as soon as we got there – I thought the whole place was like some big freak show! – but she was fascinated and shamed me into staying." He smiled. "I'm glad she did now, because I wouldn't have found Brian and he wouldn't have taken me home again, and…"
"Never mind," Debbie said with a genuine smile this time. "I think I can fill in the rest." She sobered as she told him, "That was so much like Vic, though, Sunshine; he always was more concerned with everyone else than himself. Even when we went to Italy on our dream vacation, he was the same way. You know he handed some total stranger his last twenty dollars the last day at lunch? Some woman walked up next to him at the food counter to order a small Coke and mentioned she hadn't eaten in two days because she didn't have any more money. Said she was from England and had been mugged on the street and needed to save every last penny for her airfare back home the next day. He didn't know if she was bullshitting him or not, but he didn't think twice about handing over a twenty-dollar bill to her and insisting that she order something to eat right then and there, even though that left him with a grand total of $10 to hold him over until we left the next day." She snorted. "Of course, at the time he also thought he was close to death, so I think he figured, what the hell? I can't take it with me either way. Big shit proved everyone wrong, though, didn't he?" she said with just a hint of pride over that fact. She always thought that he had fought even harder when she had goaded him. It had wound up being the best thing that could have happened to him – and to her – because it had allowed him to rely on some inner strength he didn't even realize he had, and it had made him fight even harder to live.
She wiped a tear away with the sleeve of her shirt in embarrassment. "Shit," she berated herself as she realized her mascara was running. "I'm a fucking mess." Justin bestowed an understanding smile on her as she explained, "It's just that sometimes…"
Justin quickly tore off a paper towel from the wooden, stand-up holder nearby and dabbed gently at her face to clean the smeared mascara off. "What, Deb?" he asked her softly as he stared into her tear-splotched face. It was a face that had been transformed over time by worry, regret, and brutal, no-holds-barred honesty at times, but it was also a giving, generous, and loving face; a face that belonged to a very unique and special woman that he cared about and admired greatly.
She swallowed hard before admitting, "It's just that sometimes…I know this sounds ridiculous. I mean, I believe in God and all," she explained as she hurriedly crossed herself. "But it's just sometimes I wish I could have some kind of sign, you know? Some kind of sign that he's up there, waiting for us, and that's he's okay. God knows he deserves it after what he had to go through." She found a corner of her lips rising as she glanced skyward briefly to add wryly, "Well, I HOPE he's up there and not down there." She looked down at the floor meaningfully. "I hope God has a sense of humor."
Justin laughed. "I'm sure he went north instead of south; after all, I imagine even God needs entertaining from time to time, and I can't think of a better person to do that than Vic…Can you?"
She nodded, grateful for her young friend's support. "No, I can't; fuck knows he went through his own share of hell on earth already; he's more than paid his dues," she told him curtly. Squaring her shoulders as she took another paper towel from Justin's outstretched hand, she dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose before taking a deep breath and yelling into the other room, "Who wants coffee with their cheesecake?" A round of affirmative responses echoed from the other room as Debbie smiled at her young friend and asked, "Sunshine, can you get out the mugs? We have some coffee to serve."
Justin nodded with a smile as he got to work. "You bet."
One Week Later – Liberty Diner
Justin and Brian strode into the diner, Brian's arm wrapped lightly around his partner's slender waist. Justin smiled tenderly at his lover, leaning in as Brian whispered something in his ear before his partner planted a playful kiss on his cheek and led him over to a nearby booth. He couldn't help the goofy grin that appeared on his face as Brian chose to slide over next to him instead of sitting on the opposite vinyl bench as he placed his arm around the back of the seat and curled it around Justin's shoulder as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Actually, it was as far as Brian was concerned.
The two were so lost in each other's presence and their feelings of happiness over being together again after Brian had been gone a few days on a business trip that they initially failed to notice Debbie standing behind the counter, a stubby pencil held behind her ear as she placed the pad of her thumb into her mouth to wet it before flipping a page over to prepare for the next order. She smiled in delight as she recognized two of her favorite boys sitting side-by-side in a nearby booth and scurried out from behind the counter to rush over to greet them, a beaming smile on her face.
"Hey, Sunshine!" she screeched as Brian winced at the volume level. "Hello to you, too, asshole," she teased Brian with a smirk as he glared mockingly back at her. She cracked her piece of gum at them as she turned Brian's mug over and deftly poured out some coffee with one hand, then repeated the process for Justin.
Justin gazed up at her in astonishment. This was the first time he had seen Debbie since dinner a week ago, and the change in mood was mind-boggling. Gone was the sorrowful, melancholy friend he had seen that night; the woman standing in front of him was almost radiant in her happiness, and her eyes shown with some sort of inner glow. He couldn't help smiling back at the contagious look of joy on her face.
"Please, Deb, tone down the happy face," Brian grumbled at her; he had been on a red-eye flight all night and had only come into the diner for breakfast because Justin had finagled him into stopping for something to eat on the way home after picking him up at the airport. The little shit knew just what to promise – or withhold – to get his way, too; worked like a charm every time. "Just take our order so I can go home and go to bed – to sleep," he clarified as she gave him one of those knowing looks, although that was only partially true. He would sleep, all right – AFTER someone made good on his promise earlier. "I'll have the egg white western omelet and the lean, mean eating machine here will have the three-egg special with bacon." Justin opened his mouth and then closed it sheepishly as Brian ordered precisely what he was about to request.
"Whatever you say, Mr. Sour Puss," she practically sing-songed back at him as Brian looked over at Justin with a pained look of what the hell? on his face and rolled his eyes. "Want a side of civility to go with that, too?"
Brian grimaced at her. "No, thanks, Deb, I'm good."
Justin grinned. "You're certainly in a good mood, Deb," He observed with a chuckle over their bantering, glad to see her in such high spirits. "You didn't win the lottery since the last time I saw you, did you?"
She snorted. "You think I'd still be here listening to all these drama queens if I did?" She took in a deep breath and let it out to compose herself before she replied with a beaming smile, "No, I got something a lot better than that, Sunshine." He followed her gaze over to the counter where half a dozen jumbo, red tulips were arranged in a glass vase. At first he didn't realize the significance of the flower arrangement, but Debbie could tell the moment he put two and two together when his smile surpassed even hers.
"Yes," she confirmed. "I got them out of the garden this morning. Vic's garden."