AN: Just a little drabble about Buffy's little slip up in "First Dates". She spent the past two season assuring everyone, Spike included, that she never loved Spike. It was just a physical thing. But in "First Dates" she says "still in love". At this point, I'd like to say: AHA! And do my happy dance. Thank you. Reviews would be more than appreciated.
Warnings: it's kinda angsty at the end. And short.
Disclaimer: I'm not that awesome. But thanks for thinking I could be.
"God, why does everybody think I'm still in love with Spike?" Buffy asked, exasperated. Then, her eyes widen as the realization of what she just let slip dawns on her. Willow says something about isolation and Buffy is glad she hasn't noticed the slip.
Spike looks at her with those sad, baby blue eyes and tells her that he's okay. That his eyes are clear and he no longer dreams of them being together. Then he cracks a joke about picket fences. But Buffy isn't really listening. She's too busy staring into his beautiful, tortured eyes. They speak the truth; this date is killing him. He absolutely still dreams of a nice crypt for two with a white picket fence.
Robin holds out the peach and it's delicious. And then, Spike is there. Buffy's eyes widen and she thinks he's there to stake a claim, to tell her he still loves her. But he's not. Xander's in trouble again. In the car she jumps to distance herself from him, because she's already made one mistake about her involvement with him tonight and she's desperate to avoid another.
They saved Xander; don't they always? And after everyone else is gone and asleep, Spike approaches her as she sits alone. She thinks now, that he will once again confess his undying love for her, beg for her forgiveness, or maybe even plead with her to take him back. But he doesn't. He offers to go. To be noble and leave before the First sinks its claws into him and turns him against her. And Buffy has no response prepared for that, so the truth slips out instead.
"You can't go."
"You've got yourself a new demon-fighter now."
"That's not why I need you here."
"Why's that then?"
"Because I'm not ready for you to not be here."
It is an admission of need, if not of the love he is so desperately searching for. But she can't tell him she loves him. She can't. She fears she'll break apart if she does, fragment into tiny pieces that he'll have to put back together and will never truly be same as she was. She can't imagine being with him again. Because he is her greatest enemy and truest friend and she can't trust herself around him. And, god help her, she does love him. Even if she never tells a soul. His included.