Author's Note: I've been spending an awful lot of time in the hospital lately - family emergencies keep popping up - and this was written hurriedly in a hospital parking lot. Reviews would be kindly appreciated. Let me know what you think about it!
Disclaimer/Warnings: I do not own, have never owned, and will never own Naruto, or the song All I Want. They belong to their respective owners. Naruto/Sasuke pairing, a few curses and heavy angst with a light fluffy(ish) ending! Enjoy!
All I Want
"but you know, it doesn't change
the way I feel about you
at the end of the day.
because I know
that all I want is what you got."
All I Want – Susie Suh
It festered. Longer and harder and louder than the sickness and hair loss and death that was creeping up on him. The emptiness where they used to speak festered inside of him with a powerfully life-like quality. It stomped around inside of him, hissing and sinking its teeth into his most tender memories until he was Damn Mad. And it was all His fault.
"I am dying. I am not dead yet." His voice was a sudden break in the silence and he frowned at just how tired it sounded. This business of being sick was getting old. His proclamation drew the eyes of the young man next to him. There was a flash of something that looked like shame in those cerulean eyes that he'd hated and loved for a lot of the same reasons. Seeing that made him rethink his battle plan for a moment, but it did not change his goal.
"I just," When those sad eyes kept staring at him with that look, he lost his will.
'How do I tell you I miss you when you're sitting right beside me?' He frowned again, retreating to thoughts that were much safer. Like the way sunshine looked streaming through that unruly blond hair and the way his breathing in the quiet darkness of their bedroom helped him through more nights than the blond would ever know. In his thoughts – on the inside of his tough, tough skin – he could tell himself just how desperately he loved the blond beside him, and why this non-speaking bullshit was well and truly ripping his heart out.
Those eyes slid closed and a slow sigh slipped from the blonds' mouth. He caught himself staring at those lips and asking himself if he was too proud to beg the blond to speak, to say anything at all. He was, but the margin between his pride and his sanity was slowly growing smaller and smaller than he would have liked and he was more relieved than he would ever admit when the blond saved him the trouble.
"I've been wondering who I am going to be without you." The confession was sudden, and it brought him up short. Who would he be? Those eyes were on him again, blazing hot. His voice was more somber than he'd ever heard. The blond sighed and readjusted himself, trying to find a more comfortable position in the hard hospital chair.
"To tell you the truth, there's been a lot of nights when I wanted to walk away from this –"he made a vague sweeping motion between himself and the proud, sick man on the bed, "before and after Granny Tsunade gave us the diagnosis." His lips quirked into a half-smile and abruptly, Sasuke was furious.
How dare he sit there and say that he wanted to walk away? After everything the Idiot put the both of them through, dragging him back to the Hidden Leaf quite literally kicking and screaming, bullying his way back into his most private affairs and throwing the doors wide open on his heart and making himself quite happily at home. How dare he think that he's the only one suffering? How dare he think that he gets to walk away? Sasuke was about to voice this – in not so many words and with far less emotion – but Naruto kept talking.
"Because, somewhere inside of me, I've always known that you're an emotionally stunted bastard and you probably always will be." Those blue blue eyes flashed in a way that said he was teasing, almost. Sasuke thought about apologizing, or being ashamed, but he was who he was, and not even Naruto could change that. It didn't matter though, Naruto kept right on speaking like he hadn't just waltzed all over Sasuke's emotional shell.
"But you know something?" Naruto's smile was quicksilver and kind. Sasuke told himself that it was only the medicine making him feel woozy. "It doesn't change the way I feel about you at the end of the day." He sighed then, shrugging. Sasuke arched a brow – an action that had lost some of its effectiveness due to his hair loss.
"Your point?" Sasuke's voice was sharp, and Naruto stared at him fondly for a moment before –
"All I've ever really wanted was you, Sasuke."
Heat flooded Sasuke's body and he did not say What about your dream of being Hokage? or What about Sakura and Kakashi and all the people who deserve that fucking beautiful sunny-eyed smile? And he most definitely did not say Why Naruto? What else are you going to give up for me before you realize I'm damaged goods and I hope you never, ever do – gods please don't ever leave.
Naruto was Naruto and Sasuke was Sasuke and Sasuke loved on the inside. Instead, he found himself picking at his IV and scanning the room for something else to look at because there was never really a time that Sasuke could really ever look at Naruto for too long.
The blond was always so vibrantly alive and that was never clearer to Sasuke than that very moment, when he was hooked up to machines and dying so very slowly. When he finally did manage to look back at Naruto there was a sad smile on his face.
"And I know that when you –" His voice cracked like it hadn't in years as he struggled past the sudden tightness in his throat. "I'll disappear too." Narutos' voice was thin and reedy, as weak on the outside as Sasuke felt on the inside.
Sasuke studied the blond, ignoring the painful tightening in his own throat. Just as he was working past it to say something – anything because he really did love Naruto, and wasn't that a scary thought? – the blond cursed.
"Damn it, Sasuke. You're only 28. I mean, hell. There's so much life ahead of you it's fucking stupid." Naruto sounded defeated and Sasuke simply could not have that.
He rested his right hand on the one Naruto had slammed down on the bed during his outburst. He didn't point out that 28 was old for a shinobi, that he was now the same age Kakashi had been when Team 7 had formed. He didn't say a lot of the things he thought about and when he started to worry about the emptiness that was creeping its way back between them, Naruto spoke once more.
"I don't know how to look at you today while knowing I could lose you tomorrow." Naruto's voice was so completely defeated that Sasuke was once more, completely fucking enraged.
How dare that Idiot give up on him so easily? He'd survived Orochimaru and his minions, Itachi and the Akatsuki and countless others. He'd survived a nearly 5 year live-in relationship with the blond without killing him over something, or even seriously damaging him. He was not going to be beaten by a damn disease. He was an Uchiha, and if he died young, he would die bathed in blood, just like the rest of his clan. Not because a disease rotted away his insides.
"Idiot." Narutos' eyes were full of sorrow as he stared at Sasuke, and it distressed Sasuke when he didn't even bother to respond to the insult-turned-term-of-endearment. "You could lose me today."
His words were harsh and his tone was cold, but the desired outcome was reached. He watched the words sink in, watching with interest as Narutos' eyes went from sorrowful to – finally – enraged. There was more color in his face than Sasuke had seen in weeks and he jumped out of the uncomfortable chair with a fist in the air. Sasuke almost smiled.
"Don't you talk like that! I did not work so hard to save you and love you and keep you to lose you to some shitty, cheating disease!" Naruto grabbed the sides of Sasukes' face, planting a nearly-bruising kiss on his lips before running out of the room to find someone in the hospital to yell at. Sasuke would not have been surprised if Naruto ignored all the staff and went directly to Tsunade herself.
Sasuke leaned back in the bed, allowing himself to smile. He might die anyway no matter what the Idiot did – the cancer was highly aggressive – but Naruto was enough of a thing to try and keep living for, he decided. And to live – to really live – was an awfully big adventure he'd been told.
'And anyway,' Sasuke thought as he got comfortable against the pillows, 'I guess I'm overdue for a big adventure anyway.'
Fin.
Ending Notes: And there we have it! I'm wanting to do more with this couple - maybe not necessarily with this story. Feedback would be much appreciated and met with flowery responses of love!