Disclaimer: Don't own Big Time Rush
AN: This oneshot stems from chapter 16 of my story 'Heavy Blood'. The chapter was in Kendall's POV so I figured I rewrite it as a oneshot in James' POV. It's strongly recommended that you read the story first, but I'll give you a small synopsis so you can understand what's happening in the oneshot:
James killed a man to save Carlos' life and shaved his head afterward to hide what he did. He's been in a guilt and asshole like state since then and has been taking it all out on Kendall and the gang. Logan and Kendall's family was kidnapped by a serial killer, who sent spies after them. Kendall killed two of them and they took a third 'hostage', which is what drives this oneshot. Kendall recieved a warning that James wants to go alone with him to set the hostage free so that the pretty boy can kill him. Now the two of them are out alone with the hostage.
Hope you understand and I hope you check out the original story too. To those who read the original, this is the same chapter rewritten to fit James' POV. The setting and events will happen the same way, but the entire thing will be shown in James' POV to fill in the gaps that were left at the end of the original chapter in Heavy Blood.
Enjoy
18 Miles Out-
James sat in the passenger seat of the BTR Mobile, staring blankly out the side at the road that Kendall was driving them on, many thoughts flowing in his head as he ignored the banging and thumping coming from the back of the trunk where they kept Richard. James was remembering the way Carlos had shifted on the bed that they were forced to share last night, crying about how he was sorry over what he had to do. Carlos was taking killing a man really hard, possibly the hardest out of all of them. James had thought he was the worse off, having shaved his head and changed the way he was after he had killed Otis. James hadn't been able to stop thinking about the man and Carlos' cries of guilt over the course of the night was just beating James' true thoughts through his skull and reminding him how he felt over the whole thing with the man he killed.
James could feel Kendall's stare on him, the bald boy having his hand under his chin for support as he kept his eyes glared out on the road. James didn't want to give Kendall any of his attention and especially didn't want to talk to him. Kendall has been pissing him off a lot lately. After Logan, Katie, and Mama Knight had gotten kidnapped by the most wanted serial killer in the country, The Painter Killer, Kendall, he, and Carlos had been sent a box that had a bunch of challenges in them and with each one they've completed, they would get closer to where their family was being kept. So far, they have completed six out of fifteen challenges within two days. James was surprised they were making it this far so quick, but didn't question it for fear that he would jinx it and whatever good luck they had with them would be taken away. James didn't want to be the moron that screwed everything over by saying or doing something stupid.
Kendall was doing a good enough job of taking that title himself.
Kendall had started off strong. He crawled on broken glass and almost bled out, but quickly recovered and was able to get back into the zone. Kendall started off as the leader that James loved and respected more than anything, but it quickly fell apart soon afterward. When Carlos had to do his second challenge, Kendall didn't want him to do it for fear of the boy getting hurt and didn't think he would be able to take the life of a man. James thought that he was being stupid and thought that Carlos had to make his own choices when it came to this. Carlos wasn't telling him how to do his challenges, therefore Kendall should butt out when it came to his. It was only because of James that Carlos had managed to slip out of the apartment before Kendall figured out what he had to do, having slammed his hands on the table counter after screaming at Kendall for pestering about what he had to do at his second challenge. James didn't want to talk about what happened with Otis, the man he had shot in the leg and left to get torn apart by crazy dogs. James didn't want to talk about how bad he felt about doing it and Kendall just didn't seem to respect that.
Another mistake Kendall had made was hesitating to kill his target for his second challenge, forcing James to be the one to step up and shoot the man when Kendall had kept that spark of humanity that James had gladly pushed away for the sake of completing the challenges needed to find Logan and Kendall's family. James was starting to think that he cared more about Kendall's family than he did. Kendall knew what failing a challenge came with. Their ally for this quest, Frankie Wilson, a member of the last family that was targeted by the killer, had failed challenges and look at him. He was angry, depressed, and his family was dead. James knew Kendall did not want to end up like that, but it seemed like he still didn't care enough about his family to take the life of a low-life drug dealer that James had been forced to kill for him. James deemed Kendall pathetic and unfit to lead them at that point. If Kendall couldn't kill a man, then James didn't think that he could help them with this horror that they were living with. Carlos, fuckin' Carlos Garcia, sweet and innocent, had killed someone for their family. Kendall Knight, the proclaimed badass and 'bad boy', couldn't? James couldn't believe it.
But James had started thinking differently after they had gotten ambushed by three of the killer's spies in their apartment. James didn't trust those three bastards from the get-go, keeping a hand by his weapon at all times during that little standoff that they had for a long five minutes that they wouldn't be forgetting anytime soon. James had his suspicions of them being bastards confirmed the moment one of the idiots took a swing at Frankie, almost killing him and would've had Kendall not pushed him out of the way. James was going to shoot him before Frankie had taken the same knife the prick used to attempt to kill him with and slit the man's throat. After that, it was a harsh and brutal stare-down between the group and the remaining two men. Before they were able to shoot, Kendall had taken both out quickly, earning the respect that James knew he deserved back in his eyes. Kendall had stepped up and did what had to be done for the group.
But, again, it fell quickly. Kendall had given him a tone that James hated. Kendall had asked him 'How was that?' in a mocking tone. James had asked Kendall before he killed the two men if he was gonna back out and make him clean up his mess again and James had seen Kendall glare at him before he took out the two spies. A part of James felt that Kendall had done what he did as an example to show James that he wasn't worthless and that he can do what it took to save his family, James having believed his words from before were a lie and joke. Kendall had earned a dash of fear and disbelief with the respect after Kendall had finished killing the men. The respect fell once again when Kendall had decided to take the last spy, the idiot in the trunk of the car, back to their new safehouse of Frankie Wilson's family home, 2J not a smart place to stay anymore after they killed three men in there discretely. James voted to just kill the spy, Richard, and be done with it and continue with the challenges, but Kendall and Carlos had decided to not do that and to just drive him away, the man not knowing where they were hiding or the fact that they were getting outside help. James didn't see the facts. All he saw was what needed to be done and Kendall was making a stupid mistake... again. Carlos wasn't earning scorn in James' eyes because at least he was doing what he needed to do. Kendall was taking the pussy way out of almost everything they've been doing so far and James had enough of it. That was why he decided to be the only one to accompany Kendall to the drop-off zone. James wanted to be alone with Kendall when he decided to do what he felt he had to do.
He was gonna beat the shit out of Kendall when they arrived to wherever it was they were going.
James had enough of Kendall's stupidity and was hoping that he can beat it out of him. James didn't have any more patience with all these mistakes Kendall's been making and knew that if he didn't do something about it soon, Kendall was gonna get someone killed that was on their side. Or, worse, he would let the killer walk free or go to jail when they found him instead of putting a bullet in his head. James wouldn't have any of that. He didn't care if Kendall hated him for doing it. James would rather have him pissed off and alive then liking him and dead. Thinking of death again had James thinking the thought that he pushed away when it came to dealing with the Kendall problem.
Killing him. James thought of killing Kendall. The thought scared him so much that he wanted to slam his head into the hood of the car until he lost it from his head forever. James might've been mad at the horrible choices the boy's been making lately, but it didn't mean that James wanted him dead. Kendall was still his best friend, his brother; he didn't want him dead, ever. James ignored it, no matter how much it crept back into his head over the course of the day and the night before when they choice of who was gonna go to drop Richard off.
James realized just how long this was taking. They were taking the longer road to avoid contact with as much people as possible. The cops had their fame turned into infamy after they had killed the three men in their apartment. The cops were looking for them and added another problem that they really didn't want to deal with. As if things weren't bad enough already with their family taken by a psycho serial killer, now they had the cops looking for them and indirectly and unintentionally trying to stop them from finding them. James didn't want to get caught and fail, so they were now outlaws on the run. Now on top of this Richard thing taking up time, they had the fuckin' cops adding more weight to their problems. James really wasn't looking forward to explaining everything they were doing to the police when this was over.
James gave Kendall a confused stare when the boy pulled the car over, the blonde's knuckles whitened from the hard grip that he had on the steering wheel. Why were they pulling over now? Even if there wasn't a soul to be seen here for the moment, it still wasn't far enough away from where they were staying at right now. Richard could very well find his way back to where they were and bring the killer to their front door step and ruin everything and possibly kill them or Frankie's family. James would sooner open the trunk right now and kill Richard than put the two babies in that family in anymore trouble and pain than they already went through and were feeling. James would've done it if Kendall wouldn't flip the hell out on him once he did. Kendall and the rest of his friends would stare at him like he was a bigger prick or monster than they already saw him as.
James didn't miss the looks he's been receiving from Kendall and the rest. They were looking at him like if he was a monster for the way he's been acting lately and for the things he's done. James was too busy trying to deal with the guilt and anger he had bubbling in his chest to worry or care about what his friends thought of him. He knew they would change their minds and opinions when he brought Logan and the Knights back from the killer's clutches. Those horrid stares would turn into ones of heroism, he knew it. He wouldn't be a monster or dangerous in their eyes anymore. He would be a hero. He was saying that not only because of them, but for himself too. James might've known what he had to become to save his family, but that didn't mean he liked the kind of person he was. He hated who he was now. He hated the monster and murderer he had become. He didn't take any joy out of killing Otis. He hated that he had to do it. The guilt was eating away at him.
James leaned over the hood of the car, his gun settled at the helm of his back as he glanced over the area before back to Kendall. This wasn't a good place, so why were they stopping here? Kendall didn't make a move towards the trunk. If they weren't here to drop Richard off, then why did Kendall stop the car? There was plenty of gas, so they weren't stopping because of that. Logan had checked the engine a week ago and said it was in great shape, so it wasn't because of that. James didn't know what was going on, but Kendall kept his back to him the whole time, not sparing him a glance.
"I thought we were going further..." James asked confusedly asked, waiting for an answer to come from his blonde best friend. Kendall took his time in turning his back around to face him, which made James' confusion rise up to new levels. He's never seen Kendall this apprehensive or nervous before. It was new thing for James to see and deal with.
"We are... Fifteen to twenty miles out." Kendall nodded, repeating the original idea that they had come up with the previous night.
"So... what...?" James asked, noticing how Kendall jumped slightly when he turned back around. James didn't know why. The area around them was clear for the moment. They were the only lifeforms within seeing and hearing distance for the moment. Unless Kendall saw something he didn't, James couldn't figure out why he had jumped when he had. Maybe Kendall was just acting stupid. It wouldn't surprise him one bit if that was the case.
Kendall turned his head to stare down James, his green eyes meeting James' hazel ones. James was able to deduce a few of the emotions that were running through Kendall's eyes. Fear, determination, guilt, and many more that James didn't have time to figure out before Kendall started talking again.
"I wanna talk," Kendall said, tilting his head to the side as he folded his hands in front of him. "I just wanna talk." he repeated to the confused hazel eyed boy. James almost scoffed. Of all times for Kendall to want to talk, it had to be now when they were in the middle of something like dropping off a spy for one of the most wanted serial killers in the country. Kendall sure had an interesting sense of timing.
James rolled his eyes, "We're doing this; I get it. I get it." James wasn't happy with what he was saying, but swallowed what ever it was he was feeling creeping up to tell Kendall what he wanted to hear, knowing that a fight over this wasn't necessary right now when he was gonna beat the shit out of him soon enough. He glanced to the trunk of the BTR Mobile where Richard was tied in. "He doesn't know where we are now, he doesn't Frankie, or the fact we're getting help from him-" James was interrupted by Kendall, who shook his head at what James was saying. James rose an eyebrow at that one, having been sure that he was right over what Kendall was going to talk to him about.
"That wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about," Kendall grew serious as his eyes lowered to stare at the ground for a second before he looked back up to James. "I wanna talk about what happened..." James didn't know specifically what Kendall wanted to talk about, knowing that could mean a handful of things. So much shit has happened to them lately that Kendall could be talking about either one of them. "I wanna talk about what happened at your second challenge." James didn't see that coming. Out of everything that Kendall could've wanted to talk about, it had to be about that. The one thing that was clawing at James and making him feel like a prick and an asshole. James just couldn't win lately.
James flinched, images of Otis and the sounds of the man's screams filling his ears. He ran his hands down his shaved head to try and erase the thoughts of the horrid deed from his memory. He didn't like what he had done, hating himself more and more with each passing second he thought about the first man that he had killed, the second man, Brad, not really making him lose sleep over the night. Otis did, however. Otis was the main reason why he couldn't so much as look at himself in the mirror lately. He shaved his head to give himself a new appearance to try and lower the guilt he felt, feeling like if he changed himself he wouldn't feel as bad. It didn't work. He only felt worse over what he did.
He had his head lowered as he walked over to the curb of the sidewalk, sitting down and telling Kendall that nothing had happened while he was out there. The tone and volume of his words made it obvious he was lying. James didn't want to talk about it, no matter how much the inner voices in his head screamed at him to talk to Kendall about his guilt; thinking that he can feel better over what he did if he got it off his chest instead of keeping it inside. No matter how much James wanted to hurt Kendall right now, he was still his best friend and the only one who will listen to him and give him a straight answer over what he was now. Carlos wasn't a choice. James didn't want the boy to hate him for his actions, which was why he wasn't here right now. James wanted to deal with Kendall when it was just the two of them, as fucked up as that sounds. James knew he wasn't well in the head.
"You and I both know that's a lie, James." James heard Kendall sigh, deducing his lie quickly and swiftly like James expected him to. "I won't be mad at you. I know you had to kill someone. I just want to know how it happened. I wanna help you, James." James glanced up at that, seeing the truth in Kendall's eyes. James immediately felt guilt and anger at himself for wanting to hurt his friend. Even if James didn't agree with some of his choices, it didn't make it right or okay for him to want to beat the shit out of him to knock out the stupidity that he felt was lurking in there. James sighed, not sure if he should tell Kendall about what happened. He didn't want to talk, but at the same time he did. It would hurt to relieve what he did to Otis again, especially since he was gonna be talking out loud this time, but a part of James knew that some magic within Kendall would make him feel better. It was with that that he started talking, relieving his guilt and anger once again.
"There was this guy Otis," James started, looking away from Kendall and to the street just below him as he sat. "The killer had him hostage for a reason I didn't know at the time," James paused to drive away the anger he felt creeping up, knowing it was gonna ruin the flow of the story and make him act nuts again when he was trying to be normal for the first time in days. "We were together the whole time at the school where the antidote was. I found it really fast and as we were escaping, we were attacked by wild dogs with rabies. We ran to get away and eventually had to stop to catch our breath and, I guess, we became friends. He was a nice guy, Kendall. I told him about Carlos and he agreed to help me escape to save his life. He didn't even know him and he still helped me to save Carlos," James almost cried at the memory of the bonding moment he had shared with Otis, emotions overflowing that he didn't think he could ever feel again with how much of an asshole he's been acting like lately.
"We were separated after he got bit by one of the dogs and reunited shortly after I fell from a window and messed up my ankle. I was really lucky it wasn't sprained or broken, it was just in a lot of pain." James gulped, getting scared now as the story reached one of the worst climaxes in history. "Kendall? You and Carlos killed by shooting in the head, right?" Kendall nodded, looking like he was unsure where James was going with this. He was about to get an answer he'll probably wished he didn't push for.
James laughed, "Not me… Not me, man. As it turns out, Otis was my target the whole time and I didn't know it." Kendall looked shocked just like James knew he would be. James couldn't wait for Kendall to hear how he had killed Otis. Kendall's reaction was sure to be through the roof over what he had done. "One of us wasn't gonna make it out…" James stood up as he reached the ending of the tale, his hands on his hips as he closed his eyes; the screams replaying in his head. "One shot to the leg... and Carlos lives." James made it sound as platonic and as reasonable as he could on his end, hoping to show Kendall that he didn't have a choice and that it was either him or Otis at the end along with Carlos' life.
"That's what the final bullet was used for…" Kendall spoke in realization, probably remembering the lie James had said to him when he asked about what happened with the final bullet of the gun he had used. On top of wanting to hurt him and screaming at him, James had also lied to Kendall. He was definitely not winning any 'Friend of the Year' awards.
"I heard him get ripped apart and damn me to hell as I escaped. I couldn't deal with just living with the guilt; I had to punish myself for doing it. I had to punish myself for giving the man a brutal death like that." James ran a hand through his head, showing Kendall exactly how he had punished himself for what he did. Even with this, shaving and getting rid of his prized possession, it still did little to ease James' guilt and anger at himself. He needed more punishment for what he did. He wanted to feel the pain he had put Otis in before he died. "I did what I had to do." Even if he felt like shit, James did know that he did what he knew he had to do to save Carlos' life.
"I know you did," Kendall spoke sympathetically, causing James to scoff and look at him in disbelief. Kendall knew? Kendall didn't know shit about what he had to do to save Carlos. Kendall couldn't even kill a simple drug dealer. Kendall wouldn't have been able to kill a friend to save another friend, no matter how close they were or not. Kendall didn't know shit about him anymore. The urge to beat him came back.
"Yeah, right. What I did… you wouldn't be able to understand how I feel or how hard it was for me to do that. Don't come here and tell me that you know I did and that you understand me when you don't." James hated how Kendall was trying to give him comfort when he didn't know how he felt. It was just like in the apartment before they had left to Kendall's second challenge and Kendall was trying to understand why he was acting different. He didn't know how he felt or what he had to do, so Kendall had no right to act like he did. "You wouldn't have…" James left the sentence hanging, knowing Kendall could figure it out; he wasn't that stupid. Kendall wouldn't have been able to kill Otis. Kendall would've probably been the one that got left behind.
Kendall glared at him, which didn't deteriorate James' posture or anger one bit. "You don't think I would've done it." Exactly, James mentally noted before he let out a bellyaching laugh; not being able to resist this. It felt good to be the tough one and the stronger one against Kendall. It was a change of pace that James was welcomed with. He should be the one in charge now, not Kendall. James wouldn't make the mistakes that Kendall made.
James put his glare back on to match Kendall's before he spoke. "Nah man… I know you wouldn't." James eyed him menacingly, his dark hazel eyes back into full effect as he stared into the angry green ones of his best friend. James didn't think Kendall had a right to be angry with him. James is the one that should be furious right now, not the blonde idiot in front of him.
"You don't think I can help my friends, do you?" James didn't answer, knowing that he didn't have to. Kendall was saying exactly what James was Kendall kept doing what he's been doing, he would get his friends hurt instead of helping them. James just seemed to conveniently forget how Kendall had saved his life yesterday. It was like James didn't want to think about that, possibly thinking that would give Kendall a silver lining in his eyes to be a great leader when James wanted to be it himself. He needed to keep Kendall looking bad in his eyes for that to keep working.
Kendall stepped around from the hood of the car and walked to where James was standing, just a few inches away from his face. "To save Carlos' life, I would've done anything… Anything…" he repeated, James' eyes widened, seeing the truth and spunk in Kendall's words. He really meant it. He really would've killed Otis to save Carlos' life. His eyes were as hard as his when he looked into the mirror that night he shaved his head. Maybe James was wrong? He mentally shook his head. He couldn't be. Kendall was the one who was wrong now, not him.
"Now listen to me, James," James was listening alright, knowing that wherever this conversation went it was gonna be a good one. "You're acting dangerous and unhinged," James raised an amused brow, finding humor in what Kendall was saying. He was the dangerous one? James knew that and he was a little unhinged, but Kendall didn't have any authority to tell him that when he killed two people in cold blood just to prove a point to him. Of all the nerve of Kendall to tell him that.
"But you're not gonna be dangerous. Not to Carlos, not to me, not anymore." Kendall spoke, his old finesse and spunk as leader of Big Time Rush coming back with a vengeance; causing James to look away ever so slightly, not prepared for Kendall to take that spunk back away from him. James wasn't prepared for the Kendall that he respected to come back when he was so settled on dealing with the idiot one that he was ready to beat the crap out of. James felt like an asshole again, his thoughts about his best friend hurting him like he knew they should. He hated himself so much that he couldn't even look at Kendall right now.
"How about you look at me." James didn't want to, but he knew that tone. It was the tone of the Kendall he knew made the right choices when they had to be made. James was starting to think that maybe Kendall was just in a slump and was coming out of it now. He awkwardly looked to him, not sure what else to do right now; his eyes lost and ashamed at his previous thoughts of wanting to hurt Kendall. He should be the one getting an ass-beating for what he did... or rather almost did.
"You aren't dangerous," he heard Kendall say, trying to make him see that he wasn't a bad guy for what he did. Kendall probably got that he killed Otis for Carlos and was seeing something else that James just wasn't seeing about himself. It didn't matter. James knew he was a bad person. "You act like you are, but you're not. Just because you killed Otis doesn't mean you're evil because of it." Yes it did. The way he killed him? It did make him evil. James stared back at Kendall, trying to figure out what to say. His mind was digesting Kendall's words and trying to convince himself that he wasn't bad and that he did what he had to do. James knew that, but he still felt like an asshole because of it.
"Carlos is alive because of me," James said, finally speaking again after letting Kendall do most of the talking in the last few minutes. James was finally ready to tell Kendall why he was so angry. He knew he had to now or he never would. Kendall was trying to make him better and James felt like he owed him for that. "The reason why I'm so mad… is because I feel guilty." James answered. He ran a hand through his rough head, which he noticed he's been doing a lot lately. James hated having a tick. "Otis was my friend and I murdered him in cold blood. I let Carlos get poisoned because I didn't stop him in time. I was feeling that guilt when I was with Otis." he explained, everything now coming out in one swoop. James had let out some emotion and now all the backed-up ones were filing out one by one, figuring they weren't gonna get another chance to come out.
"I didn't want to let Carlos die. At the end, when I was down to one bullet, I came to a conclusion." James sighed once again, starting to feel fear crawl up in his chest. "One of us wasn't gonna make it out alive. The dogs would've caught us if one of us didn't stay behind. Otis was bitten on the foot anyway, so I already had him pegged as dead. So… I shot him." James hesitated to continue, knowing that Kendall was gonna flip out on him for what he was about to say. James was about to show Kendall just how fucked up he was. "What scares me is that I was thinking of it before it came the time to do it. He was kinda slowing me down beforehand and all I cared about was the antidote. Once Otis was bitten, he was expendable to me." James revealed, his anger at himself increasing as he revealed his true motives. It probably scared him more than it did Kendall. To think about it was one thing, but to actually hear them out loud coming from his own mouth? It showed just how dark and fucked up James knew he really was.
"I killed an innocent man, Kendall. The reason why I feel like such an asshole and why I'm acting like this is because I keep hearing his screams in my head. Carlos gave his victim a quick death. You killed Jason and Randall in quick succession. They didn't even feel the pain." James turned apologetic now, knowing he had to explain something else. "About Brad…" James watched Kendall sigh and lower his head, asking what it was James wanted to talk about him. "I killed him so you wouldn't have to," James said. At first, James didn't want Kendall to have to deal with the guilt of taking a life. He knew it would destroy him. So, he did i for him. "I heard all the gunshots and knew something was wrong. I doubt you were that bad of a shot, which I now know you aren't after how you killed Jason and Randall." James smiled slightly, admiring his friend's badass shooting. Kendall was the best shot out of all of them "I went up and saw that you were about to back out of killing him, and then I saw the gun in his pocket and knew that I had to kill him or it would be you."
James took a deep breath, doing a lot more talking than he thought he would. He didn't expect to reveal so much to Kendall about how he feels, but James couldn't deny that he felt a lot better now. He felt really great about getting everything off of his chest, wishing he would've done this sooner and not wait unitl now.
"I'm sorry I acted like an asshole to you about it. I was just stressed over what happened with Otis and I've been letting it take me over," James apologized, hoping that Kendall wouldn't hate him forever over it. James completely lost all thoughts he had over beating up Kendall and was happy he didn't have to follow suit with them. Looks like Kendall finally woke up with everything and would only be making the right calls after this. If the killer and Richard met back up, they wouldn't find them and if they did; James would be the first with the interrogation over where Logan and the Knights were.
"I don't know how it must've been to kill a friend like you did…" James nodded. "But I don't hate you for it. I understand why you did what you did and if I would've been in your place, I would've done the same thing." James was happy that he wasn't alone in that morally questionable choice he made. That was a piece on why he's been nuts lately. He felt only a monster like him would make a choice like that. He was grateful to hear that his loving friend would've done the same thing. He didn't feel so alone anymore.
"If I can take back all the things I said, I would." James would also take back all of his thoughts over what he wanted to do with Kendall. It made him sick that he felt like that to his friend, even for only one night. He was just hoping Kendall would never find out about what he thought about. The two boys climbed back into the car and started driving, going back to the original task as to why they were out here.
The man in the trunk.
...
"We almost there?" James asked Kendall after they had been driving for a little while longer. Once they got the Richard thing done and over with, James knew it was back to the challenges that they weren't looking forward to returning to. Maybe Kendall was taking so long because he didn't feel like going back so soon to the hell that awaited them. They had to go back sometime, but it felt nice to have a small break, no matter how much fucked up shit they were doing during the break.
"Yeah. I'm just looking for a place that's far enough. You know, give us some extra distance." James nodded, seeing that Kendall was indeed making the right choices now. The Kendall he knew and loved was back where he rightfully belonged. In the driver's seat, making the calls that would benefit them all in the end and the now. "Can I ask you something?" James nodded, feeling like he owed Kendall so much more than just answering a stupid question that he had for him. "Why did you only want to come with me? Why not Carlos too?" Again, like he mentioned before, James didn't seem to have any kind of luck lately.
James stiffened, not sure if he wanted to tell him the answer to this question. He didn't want his friend to know that he wanted to hurt him over something stupid. It would ruin the moment that the two of them just had before. But, in the darkest corners of his mind, James knew that he needed to tell Kendall the truth. If he felt better over killing Otis by telling Kendall the truth about it, maybe this would make him feel better too. The only difference was that him killing Otis didn't involve him hurting Kendall over James being immature and not liking his choices. James wasn't sure this was gonna end well.
He cleared his throat. "I wanted to come alone with you because… I was going to do something horrible and stupid…" James saddened upon thinking of the words that he wanted to say. The words that he had to say. "I was going to beat the shit out of you for being so stupid and making dumb choices, but I didn't want to do it in front of everyone. I didn't want Carlos to see me hit you." James' eyes shined with unshed tears, guilt and pain hitting him hard like a ton of bricks. "I'm so sorry for even thinking it. I'm so sorry." James grew fearful when Kendall pulled the car over, thinking and assuming he was gonna hit him. Good. He should. James deserved every hit that he got. He was a horrible friend and deserved a beating that made him feel as bad physically as he did emotionally.
James stiffened when he felt Kendall place a hand on his shoulder, ready for him to start swinging. James wasn't gonna fight back. He deserved the beating. "I'm not gonna say what you wanted to do was right, because it wasn't…" James gave him a short nod, showing that he understood exactly how much he was wrong on what he thought and wanted to do. He was waiting now for Kendall to snap at him. "You were angry and letting your guilt for Otis affect your judgment and choices."
James shook his head, still refusing to accept that as a valid answer for his thoughts. He wanted to hurt his friend just because he disagreed with him. What kind of person did that make him? A monster, that's what. "It doesn't matter. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world for thinking what I was thinking of. I really thought I could beat the stupidity out of you," James laughed darkly, hating himself more and more as he repeated his thoughts of hurting Kendall out loud. "Someone needs to beat the stupidity out of me for thinking something that stupid." James looked at Kendall almost pleadingly, silently asking the boy to be the one that knocked some sense into him. Kendall was the one who he wanted to hurt, so it was only right it was him that got to be the one to beat James for acting like a shitty friend.
"I'm not gonna hit you, James." James eyed him confusingly, not understanding why Kendall wouldn't want to hit him for what he was thinking. If James were Kendall, he would've jumped at the chance to yell or hit him for thinking like an idiot. James was starting to think that he was just as bad as any criminal out there. James thought he was bad as the serial killer that they were going against.
"I would want to if I was you." James admitted guiltily, darting his eyes away from the sympathetic and concerned ones of his best friend; unable to stare at him right now with how much of an ass he felt like. Kendall deserved a way better friend than him. James was wishing that, if one of the guys had to be taken, he was wishing it was him. Logan would've been a better help than he was. At least Logan wouldn't have thought about hurting his friends like he did. "I would want to beat me senseless for acting so stupid. I criticize you for making stupid choices, but yet I want to hurt my best friend just because I was angry." James laughed darkly once again, his anger to himself increasing. "I'm the worst hypocrite ever."
"No you're not, James. I know that you didn't want to think what you did. You were just angry over everything and were wallowing in your guilt over Otis." James looked to see Kendall give him a smile. James saw his smile widened when he smiled back, not able to not when Kendall looked at him like that. "Its okay. You know what you thought was wrong and are sorry for thinking it. You're okay now and that's really all I care about. I don't care that you wanted to beat the shit out of me," James looked away, not understanding how Kendall didn't care that he wanted to hurt him. James wasn't able to understand Kendall at this moment. "You aren't gonna follow through with it and won't think about it again, right?" Kendall smirked playfully at him, which caused James to smirk back and shake his head. Leave it to Kendall to make something as serious James wanting to hurt him and making it sound like nothing.
"Nope. I most guarantee that I won't hit you… unless you start acting like me," James ignored how his brain also added silently 'Or if you give me a reason to' as he punched his shoulder playfully, Kendall retaliating and hitting him playfully back. James missed how his body and mind were still a danger to Kendall, still seeing him as potentially a thorn in the side. If Kendall screwed up before, what's to stop him from making another mistake again? James didn't know that he was silently telling himself that if Kendall messed up again, it was on. "I'm serious though. Don't act like I've been. It's not cool or normal. I don't like the way I've been acting and I don't want to see you follow me down that path."
Kendall gave him a laugh, "Like I keep saying, you were just overcome with guilt. You're fine now that you talked about it." James frowned slightly, knowing that he was still nowhere near fine. Just because he talked about how he was, it didn't mean that it erased everything he did. He wouldn't be forgetting this anytime soon, if ever. The murder of Otis would never leave his head. James turned his head to stare out the window,not wanting Kendall to see he was still so ruined. "You just need to know something…" James gave a short nod to show he was listening, but never made a move to turn his head around. "You're not a bad guy, James. You're one of the best I've ever met. Just because you did something bad doesn't mean you are. Good people do bad things. Take Carlos for instance," James sighed, knowing very well where Kendall was gonna go with this. "The poor boy had to kill an innocent man just to get us closer to finding our family. Carlos is one of the nicest and most innocent-hearted people we know,"
"Not anymore..." James mumbled, intending to keep that for himself and himself only. Carlos was nowhere near innocent anymore. He threw away his innocence the moment he killed someone. Carlos was no longer the innocent boy that they all knew him as. He was just like the rest of them now. Carlos had thrown away that innocence he was known to have the moment he killed the man he did. Carlos wasn't innocent anymore, as much as it pained him to admit.
"He's one of the best and even he did something bad, but that doesn't make him evil or anything. My dad used to tell me this before he left," James tuned in, knowing that if it came from the wise and intelligent Mr. Knight that it had to be good and important. "It's only when doing bad things gets easy, that the good people turn evil." James almost felt better about himself when he heard that. Nothing he's done in these last few days was easy. If anything, things were just getting harder and harder with each passing moment he was awake and held a piece of paper sent to them by the killer. Maybe, just maybe, James wasn't as bad or evil as he though he was.
"It wasn't easy to kill Otis, or Brad," James answered Kendall, twiddling his thumbs as he remembered the shots that he fired that ended the lives of both men; causing his chest to constrict in guilt and remorse.
"See? That shows you're still good, James. Don't ever lose sight of who you are." James nodded slowly, happiness filling his veins as Kendall made him feel better about what he's done. As long as he felt guilt and remorse about what he's done, he'll still be a good person according to Kendall. James didn't want to lose sight of the person he was before he had committed murder. He knew he was still in there somewhere. He just needed to let him stay in control instead of letting Dark James keep a hold of him and his actions. He watched Kendall glance ahead to the public works place where they were gonna drop off Richard. "Let's finish this problem."
James couldn't agree more.
...
Kendall had just pulled the car into the parking lot of the old abandoned works place, both James and him holding one of Richard's arms; yanking him inside he actual works place to give James and Kendall more time to drive away before the boy can get free and follow them. James figured this was a good idea. Maybe Richard wouldn't be able to find his way back to where his boss was and might die out here. James didn't even hear what he just thought, only focusing on taking one step at a time and on the task of letting Richard go. James dropped Richard on his knees, taking the headphones taped in his ears out while Kendall ripped the piece of tape off of his mouth.
"Where the hell are we?" he asked slowly, still trying to catch his breath from being in the trunk of the car for a long period of time with half of his air supply cut off from the tape. James ignored him, Kendall throwing the piece of tape that was on his mouth to the ground. "Hey, come on, guys," Kendall and James started walking. "I don't know what I did to make you mad, but I'm sorry," Kendall and James sighed, doing their best to block out the protests of the man behind them. "I'm not like the other guys," Richard was fumbling around on the concrete ground in the parking lot, Kendall and James still walking and ignoring him. "You can't leave me here! If the killer finds me, he'll kill me!" When Kendall almost stopped at his words, James shoved his back lightly to get him moving again; knowing that he would stop and reconsider their choice if he stopped moving. "Please, you gotta take me back with you!" James almost laughed. Kendall and James stopped, rather jerked to a halt when Richard spoke again.
"I won't tell anyone about you staying at Frankie's house!"
Both boys turned their heads slowly towards Richard, who proceeded to bite his lip and look down to the ground, knowing that he messed up and said something he wasn't supposed to say.
James started walking, more like stomping, back towards Richard; anger coursing through his veins. He knew! This bastard knew where they were! The whole plan was gone now and ripped apart. James was letting his mind race back to his original thoughts of death and murder, now knowing for sure that there wasn't another way. If Richard got back to the killer, they were all dead. James wouldn't have that. Better to only have one person die than a dozen.
"Hey! How did you know where we were?!" he grew furious, his hands balling into fists at his sides. "How the hell did you know where we were!?"
"T-There was a walkie-talkie in my car and David had an earpiece in his ear. I heard everything that happened between you guys," Richard explained. "When I woke up somewhere else, I put the pieces together." He stuttered, James' dark appearance scaring the shit out of him. He started shaking his head wildly, "There's no way I would tell the killer where you guys are. I don't even like him. I'm only working for him bec-"
"Shut up!" James barked, furiously running a hand down his face, Kendall walking up and taking a position next to him, his eyes widened at the revelation. James almost laughed darkly, but his anger was preventing him from doing anything other than glare and scream. "He knows that we're at Frankie's, where we're at he knows, Kendall." James gave a dark stare to Kendall. "Say if he finds his way back to the killer…" James knew that Kendall had to know what they had to do now. There wasn't a choice left. They had to kill Richard. James might've not wanted to kill anyone else, but there wasn't a choice in this. It was like with him and Otis. It was either one or the other and James would be damned if anymore of their family got hurt.
James bit his lip, glaring holes into the ground in front of him before he spun in a quick succession, pulling his gun from his waistband and aiming it at Richard; fully intending to end his life. You can imagine his surprise when Kendall tackled him to the ground as he was about to pull the trigger, his finger still finding a way to pull back; the bullet hitting the space next to Richard, causing the boy to jump in surprise from his spot on the ground.
James rolled on the ground and stopped on the door of an abandoned car. "Not now! Just not now!" Kendall growled, putting his heel on top of James' gun after it fell from his hand when Kendall knocked him down. James almost growled at Kendall, settling for seething at him instead; outraged at what he had just done. Why the hell was Kendall sticking up for and protecting an employee of the killer?! It stunned James greatly.
"When then, Kendall? When?" he asked, narrowing and hardening his eyes at Kendall when he kicked the gun under another car, his own green eyes transfixed on his. James ignored every other emotion other than anger at Kendall, his old thoughts of beating him coming back right away.
"When I have a chance to think about it," James gave Kendall a look of disbelief, appalled at the boy's decision to waste more time that they didn't have for a piece of garbage like the one just a little ways from them. James felt more levels of anger forming for the boy above him, his fists desperately wanting to collide with his face for his stupidity.
"Don't kill me," James growled as he heard Richard whine, wanting to sock him in the face for sounding like a wimp. "Please, don't."
"Shut up!" James yelled, eyeing the boy just a little ways from him and Kendall with so much anger and malice that he was eyeing him like if he was the one that had kidnapped their family and not someone else. Anyone that associates or works for the killer in anyway was on James' shit list and his list of people he wanted dead. James turned towards Kendall, knowing that his answer to the whole thing was gonna amuse him and anger him at the same time.
"We're going back," Kendall said, causing James to growl and grow even more frustrated over Kendall's decision making... again.
"You're gonna bring this piece of garbage… This piece of garbage, who's- his boss is the most wanted serial killer in the country! He ran with men who tried to kill us! You're gonna bring him back to where our friends sleep?! To where babies sleep?!" James challenged, appalled and angered that Kendall would put the lives of Frankie's kids in danger after everything they've been through. James didn't think Kendall was that stupid to put the lives of babies in danger. It was like Kendall enjoyed putting people in danger just so he can save them in the end and look like a hero.
"He'll be locked in the basement," Kendall glared, bending down to level his face with James'. "Unless you want to bust in and kill him."
"Don't start that shit with me." James glared right back.
"I'm taking the night." Kendall started pacing back and forth.
"Yeah take a night on it, Kendall. Keep struggling with it," James stared hard at Kendall, hoping that if he glared at him hard enough, he'll see the error of his ways and reconsider. "It ain't hard, man; the right choices right now are the ones that keep us and our family alive and gets us closer to finding them!" he slammed his palms together. "This is the fifth freakin' time already. Whenever you're faced with a decision, you take the pussy way out!" James stood up from the ground, eyeing Kendall with hatred the whole way up, his 'brilliant' decision making making James start to lose his mind.
"Stop acting like if you're king or something; like if you know exactly what we have to do." Kendall got closer to James' face, "If you did know everything, then we wouldn't need Frankie's help."
"Going to him is why we're in this mess in the first place," James growled.
"Don't you blame him for this! We're lucky to have his help. We know the rest of the challenges now and how to prepare for them. We couldn't have gone that from you." Kendall gave him a smirk that was mixed with a glare, causing James to glare right back.
"Nah, man; we couldn't." James had his eyes shut so tight and had them so narrowed that he wasn't able to see Kendall that well. "But at least I got the balls to do what needs to be done." James would do anything to help his family, unlike Kendall from the look of things here; who seemed to care a lot more about a stranger than he did his own family.
"Just last week, you didn't have the balls to jump with Carlos out the apartment window into the pool. Don't go around acting like you suddenly grew these thousand pound balls of steel."
"Why don't you shut up, Kendall?!"
"Because I have a mouth and I'm using it to tell you to calm the fuck down!"
"You're a pathetic leader,"
"This is my decision to make. Like you just said, I am the leader. And this is my call."
"It's your fault Logan and your family was kidnapped!"
James gasped at his words, feeling guilt and remorse for what he just said. He didn't know why he said it. It just slipped out. He didn't mean those words. He knew that it was nowhere near Kendall's fault what happened with his family and that if he could, he would've made sure that it wouldn't have happened in the first place. James barely saw Kendall's fist coming for him, trapping the fist under his arm before he headbutted him, his primal instincts kicking in to defend himself. James might've felt guilty about blaming Kendall, but he was still gonna kill Richard and if Kendall wanted to fight, he would fight. Looks like he was getting his wish from earlier today after all of beating up Kendall.
James bent Kendall sideways, fumbling with the front of his pants to get to the gun that was situated in there. James wouldn't be able to get to his gun and kill Richard before Kendall caught up, so he needed to take his. As James' fingers enclosed around the gun, Kendall elbowed him with his trapped fist, the gun falling down to the ground as Kendall rammed his fist into his face three times, slamming his back into a truck afterwards. Kendall must've been in a primal rage after what James said. Kendall wasn't the best fighter in the world, so to have him doing well against someone as buff as James was impressive to the taller boy.
Kendall quickly spun James around, pressing his face against the front hood of the truck and punching him three times in rapid succession in the gut. James was surprised that he hadn't managed to get a hit in yet, having been a much better fighter than Kendall throughout their lives. After pinning him against a different truck, Kendall pulled his arm back to slam a strong right hook into James' face, the pretty boy having had enough of getting hit and retaliating back by elbowing Kendall in the head; grabbing the collar and throwing him to the ground. Kendall rolled three times before James stumbled over, dropping a motorcycle on his leg, pinning him there to ensure that Kendall can't get back up until Richard was dead. James felt bad about hurting Kendall like that, but he ignored it and only focused on the way his bloodlust increased as he thought about killing Richard. James got to his knees to get his gun back up from under the car Kendall kicked it under, walking over to where Richard was still squirming on the ground.
James panted as he raised the gun and aimed it at the boy's head. A pair of hands grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to the ground as James felt someone go for the gun in his hand.
"Get off me, man!" James fumed at the blonde boy on top of him, trying to get the gun free from the grip Kendall had on it. Why couldn't he just accept that this had to be done? Why did Kendall have to be such a dick about this? James knew now that Kendall was just stupid and unfit now for the leader position of the group. James took back what he thought before about there being hope. Kendall was just a giant idiot who couldn't do what had to be done. Kendall was just a waste of space in their team. Kendall was just a loser.
Kendall deserved to die.
Kendall threw the gun from his hand, both boys wrestling on the ground trying to get a good grip on the other one. James put his hand up to grab Kendall, but was met with a rough shove of the hand and three hits in the face. Kendall stood up off of him, James wiping the sweat and blood off of his face as he slowly stood up from the ground. He couldn't hear what Kendall was saying, the sound of his heart beating in his ears deafening him and the sight of red blinding him. The only thing James managed to see was the giant wrench that lay on the side of a car. It called out for him, providing him with the perfect weapon to kill Kendall with. He was obviously not on their team right now, going to extreme lengths to protect an employee of the serial killer that was making their lives hel and like James said before; if you work for the killer, you were on his shit list and people he wanted dead.
As far as James was concerned, killing Kendall would benefit them all in the end.
His common sense and love for the boy in front of him didn't catch up in time as the sight of red blinded him, his hands enclosing around the wrench, his teeth grounded as he started walking. James let out a loud roar and tossed the wrench at top speed, watching it spin towards Kendall's head with the intention of taking it clean off. James saw Kendall narrowly dodge the wrench as the window to the public works place behind the blonde boy shattered. Once the glass broke, James woke up; his thoughts catching up to him as he stared at his panting and glaring form in the remnants of the shattered window.
He just tried to kill Kendall.
What did he just do?
James stared at his hands that were red with his blood and Kendall's, trying to make sense of what he just did. James felt the tears weld up as he looked away from his reflection to the shocked and angry Kendall who was standing up. He had every right to be angry and hate him. He did just try to kill him after all. James was a monster. He was evil. It was too easy for him to pick up the wrench and attempt to kill Kendall.
"Kendall," he sounded so hurt and so ashamed about what he just did. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me." he pleaded as he pulled his scalp, trying to make sense of the kind of monster he was. James was hoping Kendall killed him right now. James didn't want to live with what he just did.
"I don't want to hear it," Kendall snapped, pushing past him and going towards the car. James was too busy looking inside the shattered window to notice what Kendall was doing. James hoped he shot him in the back of the head as punishment for his crimes. James wanted to break down and cry over his attempted murder of his best friend. He wanted to be punished and die for what he did. He was the worst friend and brother ever.
He was pulled from his thoughts as Kendall called for him to get in the car, James obeying like a scared little kid and taking a seat in the back of the car away from Kendall, looking down in shame at his shoes the whole ride back to Frankie's. Nothing got accomplished here. James made things worse between him and soon to be the entire gang. Once they found out what he did, he was gonna be hated and feared by everyone worse than he already was.
And James felt he deserved every minute and second of it.
He deserved to die.
End of 18 Miles Out
Yeah, that was deep for me. It was deep in Kendall's POV and it was worse in James' POV. The poor boy is so angered and guilt-stricken that he tried to kill his best friend that he loves more than anything.
If read this first with no knowledge of 'Heavy Blood' you should go read that to see the aftermath of this event. It's gonna be dark and angsty for both James and Kendall.
Review if you enjoyed and have a splendid day.