Title: The Love in the Addiction

Author: Kizabeth
Date Written: 22/01/2012 AEDT
Date Published: 23/01/2012 AEDT

A/N: I have NEVER been to a GA or AA meeting in my life, so I don't actually know if this would happen, or if they would even advise anything like I have in this piece. I have taken liberties, and I do respect that gambling and drug addictions are serious problems, so I mean no offence to anyone or any organisation by what I say in this piece.

This piece also started and ended completely different than what I had planned, but I hope you still enjoy. Even though there is a bit of Hannah (don't run away) it doesn't last (and in the good way too). Reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated.

"Addiction. It stays with you, you know. You think one moment you're free of it, that you've got a control over your actions, but it's always there in the back of your mind. Your fingers itch to touch that substance one last time. And you think you're fine. You think 'One more day, you can make it one more day'. But you can't. Or you won't. Sometimes you just want to give into the addiction, indulge. 'I've been good, I've done so well, I deserve this as my prize' you bargain. But you're only going to lose. Because the house ALWAYS wins."

"Thank you, Seeley, for that... lovely speech. Does anyone have a question for him?" Jenna had been running these Gambler's Anonymous meetings for countless years. She herself had overcome addiction at an early age, Booth had learned, and she had devoted her life since then to reverting others, re-instilling their faith in themselves, and in God, which she had found all those years ago.

Booth looked around the room, not a single hand raised to query him. "Alright then," began Jenna, a soft smile on her face, "I have a question Seeley. Where did you draw the inspiration for such a speech? I'd say gambling isn't that much of a problem for you these days to create such a fire within yourself. So what's got you wound up?"

Booth sighed. Of course someone would notice his tension sooner or later. Jenna was right, it wasn't caused by his inner desires to gamble away everything he'd spent the last six years working for. It was caused by his idiocy, his desire to punish himself every day for the rest of his life by being close to what he craved, knowing he could never have it.

"I'm a sucker for punishment," he joked. "I gambled with something much more important than money, and I lost. Mind you, the gambling part... not my idea-"

"We all say that, Seeley, but it is our idea. We convince ourselves it's not gambling."

"No, I'm serious, my shrink told me to take that gamble. Or, he called me the gambler, and told me to take a chance, and I listened to the kid. Either way, I screwed everything up."

The room sat in awe, only knowing half of the story, and drooling to know the rest. "What did you gamble with, Seeley?" asked a short, plump man sitting to Booth's left. There was a murmur of agreement as everyone else's curiosity peaked.

"My partner, she's the most amazingly brilliant woman I've ever met. But she's so oblivious to everything but science and facts. It's cute, sexy, stunning, and it makes me fall for her a little more every day.

"We see this shrink, mandated by my bosses. I'm not nuts or anything like that; he just wants to know why my partner and I, two complete opposites, work together so well when we shouldn't. He wrote a book about us the other year, and came to the conclusion that we're in love. Well, he was right on my end, but my partner doesn't believe in love. She believes love is 'ephemeral', and just a mixture of chemicals in the brain creating a sense of euphoria, or some other technical thing.

"So we went to talk to him about his book, tell him what we thought, and tell him that his facts were actually wrong. He based everything on the wrong event, but I still think his conclusions were right. Just don't tell him that." There was a chuckle from around the room as Booth flashed a warming smile at his joke.

"Afterwards, he told me to take the chance, to break this 'stalemate' we were in, between partners and something more. So I did, only I went about it the wrong way and she... she turned me down, kind of."

"Kind of?" asked the plump man again, pushing up his glasses as he sat forward on his chair.

"She didn't say no, exactly, but she pulled away. She tried to make it clear that being in a relationship, being part of a couple was not who she was. Anyway, from there we dropped the matter. I told her I had to move on, and she asked if we could still be partners... That's where I'm the sucker for punishment. Me, the love-sick idiot said 'yes', and so I suffered day after day, week after week watching her from a distance, still completely in love with her, knowing I could never have her. The only difference between then and before our talk was that she knew now, and didn't do a damn thing about it," Booth stated sadly.

The room could tell that their story wasn't finished, and so waited in silence for Booth to continue.

"About a month or so after that night, she got an offer for an overseas project, doing what she originally loved, not what she did with me. A day later I was asked to rejoin the Army, and so after another stalemate of 'Go and do what you love, but I secretly want you to stay', she flew off to one side of the world, and I flew to another.

"Long story short, we got called back early from our year off, and I had a girlfriend and she figured out she was in love with me. It was too little too late when she admitted she made a mistake. I have a girlfriend now, and this woman gave up what she loved to be with me. I can't just turn around on her and say 'sorry, turns out my partner does love me, bye' and kick her to the curb. Because I do love her, I just love my partner more."

Booth slouched down into his chair at that statement. It was the first time he'd said it aloud, first time he'd said it to anyone. The room sat in silence as they took in all that Booth had admitted to them.

"I'm a sucker for punishment because I spend almost every day working with the woman I'm in love with, knowing I can't have her even though she wants me now. And I can't hurt the woman who's happy with me just so I can be with the woman who I am in love with. And for that I am a coward. And that's why I have passion when I talk about addictions – because even though I don't gamble with money, I gamble with my heart every single day, convincing myself that I'm happy when I'm really not."

Jenna stood from her seat and walked to Booth, resting a caring hand on his shoulder. She looked around the room as she spoke. "We all battle every day with our addictions, and that is why we're here – for support; for advice from those who are also living with the same problem as us. Together we can conquer our addictions. Seeley has an addiction of a different kind than he usually talks about. So, from his speech, what advice can we offer him with how to deal with it? Should he remain the gentleman he seems to be and stay miserable with his current girlfriend? Or should Seeley..."

"Grow a set?" offered a sandy haired man, tanned and muscular, who seemed like he was a complete asshole.

"Hmm," nodded Jenna, "perhaps a term less crude than that, but we get the idea. Should Seeley 'grow a set' and break the heart of his girlfriend to selfishly find happiness?"

Jenna's tone twisted her words to make either choice sound risky and she smiled in satisfaction as the entire room carefully thought about what Booth should choose. She'd waited for such a scenario to arise where she could test these men and women, to see just how far they had come from their gambling addictions. It wasn't cruel, there really was no wrong or right answer to Booth's problem here, but getting former gamblers to think about a decision that can affect so many lives like this one was a good way for them all to take control of their decisions, and bring them a step closer to overcoming their addictions.

The sandy haired muscle man finally spoke up. Obviously he was smarter than he looked, because what he said made Booth smile and the whole room nod in agreement.

"Seeley, you can love more than one person at a time, but there is only one who you truly love the most. Now, I've listened carefully to what you've said about these two women, and how you referred to them. Your girlfriend – she seems like a real nice gal and all, but I think she's a mistake. A 'wrong time, right place' kind of hook up. You weren't in a good place when you and your partner split, and she's probably just the kind of thing you needed to... relieve some tension. Now your partner, she's a real piece of work. But like you said, she didn't actually reject you. And she wants you now, and you still love her right?"

Booth nodded, and before the man could get another word in, a red headed woman to Booth's right interrupted. "If you love her, and you've always loved her, then I think she's who you should choose. I don't' agree with Jenna about it being selfish. You have given your girlfriend a few months of your life, and you've sat by for weeks, knowing that your partner loves you and you still haven't acted. That shows dedication, but now it's time to be dedicated to your partner."

Jenna stood up, looking at the clock on the wall. "We can't make the decision for you, but Seeley, you know what we believe is the 'right' decision. In a situation such as yours, you cannot tell which decision will be right or wrong. And if whatever you choose does not turn out to be what you want, just remember that we are here to support you, and we won't judge you for your decisions or mistakes. Turn to us before you turn to gambling, and let all of you take that home as a message of hope. Goodnight everyone."

Booth was given a reprieve when he arrived home to find Hannah gone. It would be good for him; it would give him time to think, time to sort through all of the choices that his peers had laid out before him tonight.

Instead of reaching for a beer to relax himself, Booth simply laid on the couch staring at the cornices of his ceiling. The patterns were intricate, complex, much like his life at the moment, and it soothed him that something so complex could still weave to a clear end.

Booth closed his eyes and delved into his subconscious, searching for his own answers. 'Dr Temperance Brennan, the woman that you are so hopelessly in love with admitted to you, Seeley Booth, that she had made a mistake. She wants you, and not only in some 'satisfying of biological urges' way. She wants all of you.'

'And Hannah. She's fun and pretty and easy, and she was there for you in a time when you needed it. But you've licked your wounds, and you are healed, ready to go back to the woman you really love. Besides, how do you even know that Hannah actually loves you? Maybe she just wants you for a story. Journalism is her life after all. She's out there now, chasing down some headliner and you are happy, pleased that she was not here when you walked in.'

Booth's last thought before he drifted to sleep was that all of these years that he'd worked with Brennan, he'd loved her. And by keeping the respectful distance he had tortured himself. He wasn't addicted to Brennan, he was addicted to the pain that that distance brought upon his heart, and it was about time he broke that cycle, and took control of his heart and his love.

Resolved to finally act upon his desires, Booth drifted into a peaceful sleep.

"Seeley," her voice called, soft and angelic. Hannah. The woman he loved, but could not have a future with. Booth opened his eyes slowly, adjusting to the brightness of the room. It was obviously morning, and thank goodness it was a Saturday, Booth thought as he sat up. He was beginning to regret sleeping on the couch as his back twinged with every movement.

"Morning, Han," he greeted, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek. "You were gone when I came back," he recalled, stretching his arms above his head. Hannah simply nodded.

"I got a call from my editor. He wanted to discuss future opportunities with me."

Booth moved to the kitchen to fix himself a cup of coffee. "Oh yeah? What kind of opportunities?"

Hannah laughed humourlessly. "The ones you wouldn't like."

Booth could think of at least five different assignments that he 'wouldn't like', but kept his mouth shut. He needed to wake himself up before he could talk to Hannah, and he also needed to figure out what he would actually say to her regarding his recent revelations.

Showered, shaved and changed, Booth moved from his bedroom resolved to get this conversation over and done with. "Hannah," he called as he sat down on the couch, following the plan he had in his mind.

Hannah cheerfully joined him, and he was loath that he would shortly be removing that smile from her face.

Before he even started, he was sure Hannah could detect his hesitancy, and the direction that this conversation might go. But even if she did know, she kept her mouth shut, that stunning smile still across her lips.

"Do you remember the day we met?" he reminisced, keeping his voice light and doom free. Hannah nodded and smiled devilishly. Of course she remembered that day. He had saved her life and she thanked him gratefully. Of course, she'd also gotten a good story from the experience as well, so it had almost been win-win.

"Do you remember what we talked about, what I told you about me and why I was there?"

"You said that you'd been pretty messed up back here in DC. You were shaken by something – you didn't actually elaborate on that – and then you said that those events and a few more had compelled you to accept the Army's offer." Hannah rubbed his shoulder gently as she spoke and Booth felt slightly more relaxed as he hung his head and looked at his shoes.

"Bones" he mumbled.

"Pardon?" Hannah asked, not hearing what he'd said.

Booth lifted his head and looked at her, no longer shielding the emotion from his expression. "Bones was the reason I was there."

"She was the problem? The event?" Hannah asked in disbelief. "You always speak so highly of her; I can't imagine she could have done something so terrible. She is a lovely person. A little strange..." Hannah admitted, "But still nice."

"She wasn't really a problem, at least, I never saw her as the problem. I told you about my tumour, right?" He asked, changing topic, and Hannah nodded. "I was messed up after the operation, after I was released from hospital. I confused my dream with reality, and only after I got back to work did some things occur to me. I sat down to drinks with Cam one night, and she helped me see... I was in love with Bones. Apparently not just since my coma, either." Booth stood and walked around the coffee table, his hand scrubbing through his hair.

"Well, when did it start?" asked Hannah. Booth couldn't quite figure out her tone, but he was certain that she was genuinely curious.

"I don't know exactly. Probably too long ago to remember. Probably a tough case..." he sketched, shoulders shrugging. "My point is, Hannah, it's never really gone away. Just after my coma I was aware of it, and it became harder to hide, and harder to hide from.

"I asked her to give 'us' a go, for us to be a couple. That was the event. I don't know that her action was actually a rejection but I took it as one. We stayed partners until she got the request to go to Maluku, and I got asked to join the Army again. We decided that a year apart would be good for us, and that we would see where things went once we got back." Hannah nodded in understanding.

"You got caught in the crossfire" admitted Booth, referring to both the incident in Afghanistan, and their current situation. "And I'm sorry for that."

Hannah heard the sincerity in Booth's voice and blinked back tears. She understood what he was trying to say but couldn't vocalise. "You went to Afghanistan to help yourself heal, and to give Temperance time to realise what she wanted, which I'm guessing she has," she smiled sadly. "I understand that, Seeley. And my guess now is that you sat me down here this morning to tell me that you have always loved your partner, and you want to try that life together that you've always wanted."

Booth nodded, his hand gently caressing hers. "Yeah," he sighed. He never expected this conversation to turn out like this.

"I do love you, Seeley, and I know that you love me too. And we both have a right to have happiness in our lives. Temperance can make you happy, and I don't want to keep you from that, Seeley. So I will graciously walk away from our relationship, even though it hurts me to."

Hannah gave Booth a gentle kiss on the lips, and stood to gather her few things from the apartment. When all her belongings were resting by the door, Booth stood with her as they readied to say their final goodbye.

"I hope you find what you're looking for," she said goofily, like a scene out of some romance movie, and they both chuckled together. It wasn't a mutual break up, but at least it was amicable. "In all seriousness, though, I do hope you and Temperance can keep your love. Promise me that you will be patient with her this time. You make hasty decisions when you're hurting, Seeley. I mean, look at me," she joked.

"Hey," interjected Booth, "you weren't such a bad mistake. We had our moments Hannah." He gave her a goofy charm smile. "And I do promise to be patient and to try and blah blah blah... We'll get it right. I'll make that promise to you."

Hannah nodded and gathered her things in her arms, handing Booth back her key. She stepped out into the hall and looked back to the strong man she was leaving. With a sly grin, she called to him. "One more promise..."

"Anything,"

"If things don't work out between you and Temperance, make sure I'm your first call," she gave him a sexy wink as she sauntered away, laughing.

Booth turned from the door and let it close behind him, semi-symbolic of the chapter of his life he had just closed the door on.

Monday morning couldn't have come soon enough for Booth. He had spent the remainder of Saturday in solitude, working through his emotions regarding his and Hannah's break up. She had sent him one last text that night, stating that she had taken a job in London as a correspondent for the Washington Press Corps. 'Number two on my list', Booth had joked to himself as he read it, 'Moving away'.

Booth's Sunday had been different. He'd risen to go to church for the first time in about a month, and spent the afternoon thinking of ways to approach Brennan about what had happened and what he wanted with her.

He knew that the chances of having a case on his desk Monday morning involving Brennan would be minimal, considering they had just wrapped up a case on Friday night before he went to his GA meeting. So instead, Booth chanced a visit to the Lab shortly before midday to drag Brennan to lunch.

As usual, he found her hard at work on... something in her office. Angela had given him a friendly 'Hey Studly," as he walked in, and Hodgins had given both her and him a slightly disapproving look.

"Calm down, Bug Man," Booth called. "I'm not after your woman, I'm after Bones" he said gleefully, and this time the strange look came from Angela. Booth missed her asking her husband "does he seem different to you?" as he knocked on Brennan's door frame.

Brennan didn't look up from the book she was reading as Booth walked into her office. "Another case?" Brennan asked tiredly.

Booth shook his head as he took a seat next to her, but she didn't see it. "Even better, Bones" he smiled. When she still didn't look up from her reading and note-scribbling, Booth leapt into action and extracted the textbook from her lap.

"Hey!" she protested, leaning across Booth to try and snag it back, completely forgetting that she was crossing so many lines she'd put in place since Booth had stated that Hannah was not a consolation prize.

Chastising herself, Brennan promptly sat up straight, a plain yet irritated look across her face. "I would like my book back, please Booth." She realised how high-school she sounded once the words left her mouth, but she could hardly care less.

"Aw, come on Bones," Booth nudged her gently, "play along. I have news to tell you before I take you to lunch, and I don't want your focus split."

Brennan huffed and set her notepad aside as she turned and faced Booth, her eyebrow quirked as he still held her textbook childishly above his head and out of her reach.

Booth reluctantly set the book on the ground and reached for Brennan's hands. He sensed her tense, but let his thumb caress over the top of her hands as he spoke, trying to sooth her anger.

"Hannah and I broke up," he began. When Brennan heard those words, she tried her best to hide her excitement, her happiness, but Booth was quick enough to notice before she blanked her expression again.

"I'm sorry to hear that," she said sincerely, her thumb now caressing Booth's hand too.

"I'm not, Bones." He smiled warmly at her. "It needed to happen. Unfortunately later rather than sooner, but it happened, and I think for a good reason."

Brennan swallowed nervously, entranced by Booth's softly spoken words. "And what is the good reason?" she asked clinically, her voice as soft as his though.

"Well, you see Bones, there's this woman." Booth watched as Brennan's expression dropped again. Oh boy, he thought, I'm gonna have fun with this. Booth kept the smile from reaching his lips, but his eyes lit up with excitement. "And she's really beautiful. The problem is, I never know what she's feeling, what she's thinking. But I'm still completely head over heels in love with her. She's brilliant, amazing, wondrous, delicate, feminine, kick ass..." Booth sighed, his eyes watching Brennan carefully as she hung onto his every word. He slowly moved his hand up her arm, twirling her hair around his finger. "She has this silky, soft hair, that's just the right mix of a good coffee and milk chocolate in colour. And her eyes, they sparkle." Booth smiled just a bit as he continued. "Not just when she smiles, or is amazed, but all of the time. They're a beautiful blue, and I could get lost in them if I wasn't always so nervous about staring at her for too long."

"I could go on about all of her physical features, Bones, but that's not my favourite part. You see, she has a brilliant mind. It works so fast, and knows so much, and it always amazes me at what she can do with it."

"Brain. Right," stated Brennan, as she was lost in Booth's words, his closeness and his gentle touch. She was almost certain that he was talking about herself, and because of that, she wanted so much to lean forward right now and kiss him, but she held herself back. Booth had something to say, and she would let him finish. "So her brain is your favourite thing about her?"

Booth shook his head and laughed lightly. "Nah, Bones. My favourite part about this woman is nothing that she has herself. It's something I've given her, something I gave her a long time ago. It's just ours, and to me it means everything that I love and adore about her. It's this one word that I call her, and though once she hated when I called her it, I know now that she secretly loves it." Booth smiled cockily, and Brennan took the rise.

"Oh really? And how do you know that for sure?"

"I just do, but I can always test my hypothesis." He leaned closer to Brennan, his lips millimetres from her ear, and he huskily whispered to her:

"Bones."

Brennan lost it. Her hands slid up his neck and pulled his lips to hers in a slow, passionate kiss. When they finally pulled apart, breathless, Booth was the first to speak.

"I love you so much Bones, and that's why I'm not sorry about what happened between Hannah and I. I love you, and I only want you, and if you'll still have me, I'm all yours."

Brennan nodded and pulled Booth's lips back to hers. Brennan was struggling to find the words to say to Booth. She wanted him, all of him, so until the words came she was happy to sit there kissing him gently.

"I want you, Booth," she finally admitted, her voice soft. "I want all of you and I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure it out. But I know now that I can try to be what you want. I... I love you Booth, and I hope I can make you happy."

"Bones, Baby, I have waited so long to hear you say that" smiled Booth as he leaned in for one more kiss.

"One condition though, Booth, before we go into anything," said Brennan, stopping him from taking what he wanted. He nodded and waited for her to continue. "Don't you ever, ever call me 'Baby' again!"