Title: Forgive Me My Sins
Author: storm_rain
Pairing: Undertones of one-sided Dean/Castiel
Word Count: 1,567
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: 6x20
Warnings: Um, heavy angst?
Characters: Dean, Castiel, Sam, Bobby Singer
Disclaimer: Kripke's characters, I just play with them. :)
Summary: Castiel contemplates his situation and pleads with God.
Castiel didn't know whether what he was doing was right or not anymore. Sam, Dean, and Bobby certainly didn't seem to think so. A grimace marred the angel's face as he recalled Dean's angry words: "Well, I'll have to do what I have to do to stop you." Once again proving Dean's stubborn tendency to take on things bigger than himself, even if they were far more powerful than he was.
"You can't, Dean. You're just a man. I'm an angel."
"I don't know, I've taken some pretty big fish."
Did that mean that Dean intended to "take him out"? (Castiel wondered if air quotes were required when you were simply thinking to yourself.)
Dismissing that thought, he moved onto the next issue, and looked up at the blue sky.
"Father, if you're listening, I beseech you again. Am I on the right path? Is Dean, the Righteous Man, correct in that what I am doing is wrong?"
He looked down at his hands. "I... don't know whether or not I can keep doing this. Killing my brothers and sisters, committing so much bloodshed for this war."
Give me strength to face the truth, the doubt within my soul
No longer I can justify the bloodshed in his name
Is it a sin to seek the truth, the truth beneath the rose?
Pray with me so I will find the gate to Heaven's door
But... he just needed to find the gate to Purgatory. And Crowley had offered him a way to do so. That didn't mean that he trusted the demon; he wasn't that naive. And after their last conversation, he had to wonder if the self-proclaimed King of Hell was planning something new against the Winchesters. This, too, gave him doubts about the deal he had struck with the demon.
I believed it would justify the means
It had a hold over me
He had believed that the end would justify the means. After all, he was doing this to prevent the Apocalypse, to protect humanity—it was no different than what he had been striving towards when he first met Dean. He had changed since then, too; and before now, he might have said for the better.
Blinded to see the cruelty of the beast
It is the darker side of me
The veil of my dreams deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been
Forgive me my sins
Dean, Dean, Dean. It all came back to Dean, in the end.
'Does he not remember what I have sacrificed for him?' the angel thought, frustrated. He flashed back to the last time he and Dean had been so closely hostile.
"I gave you everything!" Castiel shoved Dean against the dirty alley wall, his normally pensive face twisted into an angry snarl.
"I did it—all of it—for you!"
And this still held true, whether Dean would accept that or not. Dean was whom Castiel had shaped his entire conviction in this war around. He was in whom Castiel had placed his faith. He was... for whom Castiel had begun to truly feel something for the first time, when he was practically human the year before. And those feelings had not gone away upon his return to his angelic status.
Pray for me 'cause I have lost my faith in holy wars
Is paradise denied to me 'cause I can't take no more
Has darkness taken over me, consumed my mortal soul
All my virtues sacrificed, can Heaven be so cruel?
However, that aforementioned conviction and faith had begun to... waver, to say the least. He felt consumed by darkness lately, as if his very Grace had begun to blacken and twist into something ugly and evil. He had not known that he could be so...dark. The ruthless manner in which he had been killing...
'What have I become?'
Had he really "gone darkside", as Dean would say? And would Dean see that darkness in him and dispose of him?
He wasn't sure that he would be able to handle that.
A sharp feeling in his chest caused Castiel to grimace and look down. Was this the betrayal that Dean had felt when he was revealed to be a liar in the holy fire? Was this the pain that reflected so clearly on the man's face?
If so, he did not like it in the least.
I believed it would justify the means
It had a hold over me
(Forgive me my sins)
He needed to enlist Balthazar's help. Perhaps his fellow angel would finally be more understanding to his cause. He had, after all, assisted him with Fate.
That was what Castiel needed. Understanding.
Sam... Castiel had thought that he, at least, could understand what he was trying to accomplish. He, too, had embarked on unusual methods to try and prevent the Apocalypse starting the first time. Had he not conspired with a demon as well?
Although conspired wasn't the word that Castiel would prefer to use. He was merely... working with Crowley, and he was not having sexual relations with him. A disgusted shudder ran through his vessel at the thought. He quickly turned his thoughts to Bobby—the man who had offered up his own soul to heal him not one month ago had looked at him with something akin to the same hostility he would a demon. It had hurt more than Castiel had thought it would.
Blinded to see the cruelty of the beast
It is the darker side of me
The veil of my dreams deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been
Forgive me my sins
'If it weren't for these feelings, maybe I wouldn't be in this mess,' he thought rather angrily, but dismissed that thought as soon as it came. Without feelings he wouldn't have been able to come as far as he had.
Though what he felt for Dean hurt even more. Hearing the man say that he was as close as family had indeed filled him with brief joy. But then saying that he was like a brother to Dean had swept that joy away. From Dean, saying that you were like a brother to him was the highest compliment you could receive, but it wasn't the one that Castiel had wanted to hear. Castiel wanted to be something even closer to Dean. The feelings he had were not brotherly, and went beyond friendship.
Such feelings could never be pursued now.
I'm hoping, I'm praying
I won't get lost between two worlds
For all I have seen the truth lies in between
Give me the strength to face the wrong that I have done
Now that I know the darkest side of me
Castiel felt pulled in two different directions: the part of him that insisted that what he was doing was for the good of humanity, and that that would justify the bloodshed that would be its salvation; the other, darker, part reminded him of Sam's mistakes with the demon, and how horribly wrong that had gone.
How can blood be our salvation
And justify the pain that we have caused throughout the times
Will I learn what's truly sacred?
Will I redeem my soul, will truth set me free?
Raphael was killing their brothers and sisters as well, left and right. Was he no better than his older brother for committing such similar killings? Did he deserve redemption?
Forgive me my sins
He did not know. Maybe he was going down a dark and dangerous path of no return, of no forgiveness from Sam, Dean, Bobby... or even his Father. But what he did know was that he would never be as cruel and ruthless as the archangel was. He hoped that Dean could see that; he needed Dean to see that.
But he doubted that if he tried to enter again that he would be treated even as civilly as he had been last time. More holy oil would likely be waiting for him, as well as Bobby's shotgun. The Winchesters might even try a variation on what he had used on Michael in Stull's Cemetery—a "Molotov cocktail"? (Castiel still did not understand why it was called a cocktail. Yes, alcohol was used, but did a cocktail not imply drinking?) There was also the strong possibility that the brothers had discovered the mistakes in the sigils and correct them, successfully barring his entry.
Blinded to see the cruelty of the beast
It is the darker side of me
The veil of my dreams deceived all I have seen
Castiel gazed skyward one last time. "Please, Father, give me an answer," he pleaded. "I need an answer. If I am not on the right path, if I am truly sinning, committing unforgivable acts—please, tell me."
No answer. Castiel hung his head.
'Please forgive me, Dean. Please,' he thought.
Forgive me for what I have been
Forgive me my sins
"Forgive me what I have been," a perfect, angelic tear traced its way down the angel's cheek, "Forgive me my sins."
No one answered. No one ever did.