It's all because I didn't want to sleep with him last night. That's my biggest crime. It's what set him off and what's brought this dark cloud of disharmony and tension over my roof. I sit in a rickety chair at the round table in my kitchen. Nursing a cup of tea because I thought it might calm my nerves, I bring it to my lips for a sip and wish it was my usual coffee instead. My nerves are already shot, my anxiety and feelings of failure are cursing through me in a far more jittery fashion than caffeine usually does.
I take another sip of tea anyway, as my eyes dance over my two little boys who are seated at the table with me. I could almost forget they are there because Julio and Benny are being exceedingly quieter that they typically are. Boisterous and busy, the sort of kids who race up and down the playground with nearly twice as much speed and drive as the other children. I swear, they must replenish their energy stores by stealing mine because I'm not sure where else they get it from. However, at the moment there is no sign of those boys in sight.
Julio picks at his bowl of cereal. So far, I've seen him actually swallow about two bites. He spoons up some milk and stares lazily as it flows back down into the bowl of soggy frosted flakes. I watch as Benny reaches for his plastic cup of juice. His eyes cross in concentration as he grasps it with both of his hands before bringing it carefully to his mouth for a drink. He's so scared of spilling the smallest of drops-of making a mistake, and my heart pains for my little boy. And I want to tell him to lighten up. That tipping over his morning orange juice is not the end of the world and that Mommy was the one who paid for the carton anyway, so if I say it's okay then that should be enough for him.
Yet, who can blame him for feeling the way he does? Mere minutes before, I couldn't muster more than a stern glare in Arturo's direction when he yelled at my son for spilling his drink on his walk back to the table. I did nothing besides smooth back Benny's dark locks and kiss the top of his head before cleaning up the mess and getting him a refill. Arturo had muttered a few more indiscernible insults undoubtedly geared towards my kids and myself, before storming off to the bathroom to shower.
Losing his cool like that in front of my boys rarely happens. He's usually pretty kind to them and they think he's incredibly fun. Surely more fun than me, but I suppose it's easier to let loose and be spontaneous when you're not juggling a million different things for everyone and constantly beating up on yourself for doing every single one of them wrong.
It doesn't matter if I work hard all day, I still have to decide which bills I'm going to pay and which ones I'm going to sit on this month because I haven't figured out how to stretch my few remaining dollars to cover them all. I can wake up every single morning with the full intention of being a supermom, but it's still a near miracle if I can make it to bedtime without losing my cool on at least one of them.
I'm never good enough for Arturo, either. Or any man, for that matter, that I've ever known. Arturo can nitpick my faults all day long and I've begun praying that one of my flaws will eventually be enough to motivate him to actually end our relationship, because I'm done pretending that I have any actual nerve to break up with him myself. Arturo seems pretty determined to stay though. He'll pick me apart and criticize all parts of me until there's nearly nothing left-and trying to please him seems to make it even worse.
Like last night, when as soon as I got off work I ignored my fatigue and the part of me just tempted to order in a pizza, and instead I actually got to work making his favourite meal from scratch. Taco soup, with Tortilla chips and cheese to top it off. I used up nearly every dish in my kitchen and spent almost an hour cleaning up after the meal was ended, while his highness watched TV. I put the apartment back together and then got two kids down to bed with the mad skills of a 1950s housewife. Arturo was nice to me, if not overly appreciative, but as soon as I resisted when he said he wanted to have sex, the night was ruined.
He stormed out of the room with a rage that always has me flinching like I'm about to be hit-not that he's ever actually laid a hand on me, but sometimes his anger makes me wonder if he'd ever be capable of that. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, so that was what I did. I curled up with Benny on his bottom bunk because I was too afraid to face Arturo by getting into my own bed. That's such a ridiculous thing to admit, even to myself, because I pay for this place and should feel free to do what I want. It's funny how life works out sometime.
"Julio, hurry up and eat or you're going to be late for school," I warn him, speaking my first words since Arturo had his blow-up and scared all three of us.
"I'm not hungry," Julio mumbles.
"Fine," I sigh. Setting my now cooled cup of tea down on the table, I walk over to the door where I left my purse. I pull out a few bills and then hand them to both my boys.
"Don't lose your lunch money," I remind them. "You're going to be hungry by noon. And I can't come up to school because I have to work."
"You're always working," Benny complains. He pockets his own lunch money into the pocket of his blue jeans. The hems are rolled up because they're an old pair of Julio's that he still hasn't quite grown into.
"That's why you're going to school to get an education," I reply, "so you can get a job that you don't mind doing." We head to the door and I pick up their backpacks while they wriggle into their sneakers.
"A job that's fun and that I can make a lot of money doing," Julio says. He flashes me his crooked smile as he slips on the backpack I hold out to him.
"Sounds like you'll be living the dream," I tell him. "Can I come live with you then?"
"Sure," says Julio.
"No, Mommy!" Benny stamps his foot. "You have to live with me!"
"I'll visit," I wink at him. "Unless you get a house with a pool. Then I'll come stay with you."
"Okay," Benny grins. "I'll have one, and I won't let Julio in it!"
"What would you even do with a pool?" Julio asks, opening the front door to depart and turning around to glare at his little brother. "Last time we went you were afraid of the diving board and wouldn't even swim."
"Julio," I say warningly. "Be nice!"
"I wasn't scared!" Benny shouts back defensively. "I didn't feel like it that day because the water was too cold."
"Boys…" I sigh, shooting a nervous look over my shoulder since I can hear that the shower has stopped running. "Continue this argument on the walk to school or you're going to be late."
I slip Benny's backpack onto his shoulders and then hold my arms out for hugs and kisses goodbye from them both. The next couple of minutes are a flurry of the same reminders that I give them each and every day. They're to stick together, not talk to strangers, and only cross the street when the crossing guard says they can. They make it back and forth to school everyday without any issue and I know they're capable, but I never can help but feel a little worried each morning when I send them off. But I'm a single mom and I can't be everywhere.
I watch from the door as they trod down the steps, still bickering about the events of last summer. Shaking my head in bemusement, I keep my eye on them until they reach the sidewalk and then turn the corner. Looking over my shoulder, I see that Arturo is out of the bathroom now. His hair is damp and he's naked except for my purple towel, which he's got wrapped around his waist. Pursing my lips, I close the door and then walk back over to the table.
"Do you want some milk?" I ask, nodding at the bowl of Frosted Flakes he just poured for himself.
"Yes," Arturo nods. "Gracias, Gloria."
"Uh huh," I reply stiffly. I go the fridge and pull out the milk which I then carry back to the table and hand to him.
"The boys didn't eat," Arturo observes, motioning to the still full bowls of soggy cereal that are set at their places, scarcely touched.
"I guess they got indigestion from anxiety at being yelled at," I say coolly, as I grab both bowls and carry them over to the sink.
"Gloria…" Arturo sighs, "it's not like you never yell."
I ignore him as I turn the tap on full blast to rinse out the dishes. I'm not actually going to wash them yet though. That's way too much work for this early in the day. I'll do them later. Besides, I'm going to have to get moving if I'm going to open the convenience store on time. I roll my eyes at the thought. I've got regulars who will be banging on the glass if I'm two minutes late opening, and Lourdes said she was coming by today too.
"Gloria!" Arturo says more sharply.
"What?" I sigh, turning the tap off but keeping my back to him.
"You haven't even been listening to me," Arturo complains. "I said I'll make it right with the boys when they get home from school, alright?"
"Huh," I scoff. I lift my chin up and am glad he can't see the tears burning in my eyes right now as he speaks. "And how are you going to do that, huh?"
"I'll take them to the park," Arturo says confidently. "That will be enough to make them love me again. Maybe we'll get ice-cream if you've got the change too, baby."
I didn't hear him get up, but suddenly he is right behind me. His hot air is blowing down on me and his hands slip down the inside of my pajama pants and squeeze my hips. I feel suddenly paralyzed, not sure what I am to do. His nails lightly scratch on my hip bones as he bows his head and suckles on my neck. After the way he acted last night, this feels like all shades of wrong but I'm powerless to say no or move away. I don't even want to imagine the explosion if I made him feel rejected a second time.
"Your sons love me," Arturo says strongly. His nails stab into my skin as he emphasizes each word slowly and I try not to wince. "Hmm, Gloria? Aren't you glad to have a man around here to take care of your kids like they're my own? There aren't many men who would want a woman with your baggage and history, and you know you can't do all of this by yourself. Don't you know that?"
I exhale a shuddery breath. "Don't do that…" I plead. "I never said I didn't appreciate everything that you do for them-for me. You know that I do…"
"Well, you make me feel very unwelcome when at the end of a long day you don't even want me to touch you," Arturo says, piercing my hips even harder with his nails so that I know there will be marks.
"That's not true..." I sigh, "I didn't...I was just tired."
"So tired that you'd rather sleep in a child's bed than in your own just because you were avoiding me," Arturo says, a touch of anger creeping into his tone which always sounds like a warning signal to me. To retract and repent."
"No, baby," I shake my head before falling back against him. I reach my hands back to grip his wrists and then tug gently. I'm trying to coax his hands away from my assaulted hips and after a moment's hesitation, he allows me to guide him. I wrap his arms around my middle so that I am squeezed in his arms, like a hug from behind. A hug he believes I want.
"Benny, had a nightmare," I lie. "I wanted to be with you. I was going to sneak out once he fell asleep but I ended up crashing there accidentally because I was so tired. I really wanted to be with you."
"Really?" Arturo asks doubtfully.
"Yes!" I exclaim. "Papi…." I tilt my head back so that I can kiss the tip of his pointed chin from below. "You know that I love you."
"I love you," Arturo replies, breathing heavily against my neck. I can feel him harden beneath the towel as he presses himself against the back of my pajama pants.
"I'm sorry for last night," I pant out, because I know it is the right thing to say. It's what he wants to hear. His hands slide back to my hips again but this time he's gentler. They slip down the sides and then crawl over to my front where he cups and palms me.
Though his advances are quite unwanted at the moment, I let out a deliberate moan and widen my stance to give him more access. It's all he needs. An encouragement to continue and pursue. He wants me to want him, but he can't handle it when I don't. So, I have to pretend. Make him out to be the big, desirable, strong man he needs to feel like. I indulge him, and in doing so, I make myself feel smaller.