Okay I don't know where this came from and I am not sure about it but I had to get it out my head! I feel the strain is showing on the elder Winchester. Conflicted thoughts to justify what he just did.

Mary x

For you or Dad, the things I'm willin' to do or kill, it just... it scares me sometimes.

I remember when I said those words. I remember the fear that filled me of what I was capable of becoming and the worry that I couldn't stop it, that I didn't want to.

And then I went to Hell and now, well I ain't scared any more. Truth?

Nothing much scares me any more except maybe the way my brother still looks at me sometimes like I'm some kinda hero. Some knight in shining armour that'll ride in and save the day.

I'm not you know. For me, it's not so much about saving people anymore as it is about the hunting.

And the kill. I want to kill every single last one of those sons of bitches but I'll settle for taking as many of them out before they take me.

I am so close to being one of the things that I hunt that, well, maybe that does scare me just a little but I can live with that.

Sam though, he still tries to see the good in people; in the monsters we hunt. Even after Hell.

I can't though because I know the urges that drive them. I have them. I feel the thrill of the kill just the way they do, maybe I need the rush, even if I take little joy in the act itself. For me it's still a job and it has to get done, and if no one else is willing to get it done, well then I'm your man.

And it's not that I don't trust my brother but he isn't thinking straight at the moment and his history of trusting monsters hasn't ever had the best of ending. Take Meg or Ruby and now this Amy chick? He let her go last time and people are dead, not good people but still she's killed. And a monster's a monster Sammy, no such thing as a good one, believe me, I know.

But even his failure of judgment with them pales with his trust in the biggest monster he has even dealt with. See how could I be down with Sam's trust in a monster to do the right thing when he continually overlooks the things that the biggest monster he knows does and never does anything about it?

See Sam may look in the mirror and see a freak but he will never look and see what I see.

See what I am.

See the monster his brother is.

Not even if finds out what I just did.