Rose Tyler. Sweet, wonderful, brave, absolutely fantastic Rose bloody Tyler.
Or, at least, that's how the Doctor would have explained her if she'd not gotten him into this situation.
Well, really it's more Jackie's fault than hers. She just had to go drinking with Rose and a friend, leaving him here with said friend's spawn. Girls Night, she'd said. This child… No, not child… demon was by far the most bratty, loud, smelly creature he'd ever had the misfortune of interacting with. And that's saying something, considering that he's seen a lot of creatures in his 900 plus years.
He looked harmless enough, at first glance. His name was Austin. Cute little thing, ginger even. Big brown eyes and adorable little freckles.
But, as they say, it's the cute ones you've got to watch out for. Or was that the quiet ones? Oh well, if they didn't say it before they do now.
It had all started out normal enough. Standing in the Tyler kitchen, the seemingly innocent boy hiding behind his mother's pant‑leg as the adults made casual conversation. But then, it happened. Jackie Tyler, Daft little Jackie Tyler, suggested a fun girl's night out and suggested him as a babysitter for little‑hate‑spawn.
900 some year old Time Lords are not intergalactic babysitters. They're legends, geniuses, fairytales, not nannies!
That is how I got the where I am now, on the floor with my arms tied behind my back as the little Satan chewed on my sonic screwdriver. Oh yes, I've met the devil, he must have come back to haunt me. I thought I'd killed him but I was wrong.
And it's at this point you're probably thinking to yourself, "Doctor, you've bested Daleks, Cybermen, the Devil, and just about everything else. How did a little boy manage to tie you up and incapacitate you?"
Well, I'm glad you asked. Even though you didn't ask, and I just need to pretend that some timey‑wimey universal force gets pleasure out of me in some way other thank watching my life fall apart.
Anyway. As soon as the car pulled out of the driveway he asked oh so innocently, "Mister, can we please play cops and robbers?" and me, or my naive self from much too long ago, I had told him that I'd be happy to. After all, it's just a little game with a little human boy.
Austin told me that he wanted to be the cop, so I said I'd be the robber. I went out of the house and he'd told me to wait out there for five minutes, then we could start the game by having me picklock my way into the window like a real robber. So I went outside, waited five minutes, and used the screwdriver to get back in. Or, rather, tried. And that is when things went terribly, horribly, wrong.
When I jumped in the window I rolled in, sonic in hand, when I felt a little hand grab my pant‑leg and pull. I fell in and he grabbed my Sonic, and with a sadistic grin he said, "Since you're the robber I'm gonna be a dirty cop and rob you, then I'm gonna sell your goods for cookies." I smiled and yelled "Noooo!" In a very Oscar‑deservingly impressive display of mock fright. He ran into the Tyler hallway, to which I followed and didn't notice the small string that tripped me, causing me to hit my head. Dazed, I didn't protest much when the little boy lead me to a chair. I thought he was being kind. I hardly noticed that he was tying me up, (Oi! It was a hard fall!) and then I was trapped. When I came to my senses he was on my lap, chewing the sonic, and I'm really hoping that it was just spit on the side of my face where I'd hit the table.
I tried reasoning with the kid, then threatening, then begging, bribery, silence, fake tears, everything.
And now I was out of ideas. Austin's head jerked up and he was looking at the analog clock. Another sadistic grin he gave me, then he started biting my flesh and beating me with my own sonic screwdriver! This went on for about ten minutes but he eventually climbed off and hit me in the head with some sort of jar on a side table, hard, causing me to lose consciousness.
I woke up the next morning on the floor of the TARDIS with a worried looking Rose looking down at my face. She started about how Austin called them and was so worried because "The nice Doctor man tripped in the hallway and now he wont wake up" and I'd scared everyone half to death. I began trying to explain what really happened as I sat up, clutching my head from the overwhelming throbbing. Rose just gave me a look, insisting that Austin was a very well behaved child and the concussion must be playing tricks on my.
I sighed in resignation and decided that she was probably right, considering that I had my undamaged Sonic and a little human couldn't really take down a big strong Time Lord such as myself.
I went to take a shower and, as I began to undress, noticed faint bite marks on my arms.
That sneaky little devil.