And I Struggle
It was as they came within sight of Konoha (one missing, Obito dead and his body left behind to rot) Kakashi felt his heart twinge. First he simply thought it was due to him relaxing, the sight of his village soothing away some of the tension. However, after a staggering step and a sharper-intense-stab within his chest he was forced to clutch at his shirt;
"Ugh."
Another step-
"Kakashi?" Rin murmured. "Kakashi!?" She howled as he felt his vision blur and his body stop responding to him. Everything's so dizzying and he's too hot; why's he so hot? What's wrong with him?
He sensed her cool touch on his arm and he shook her off as he squinted his eyes (no, one was Obito's). "Fine," he grunted unhappily. Forcing himself to take a deep breath that pierced him painfully in the chest; he pushed to take one more step when everything flickered.
It was black and then he was staring up at the unfairly blue sky as he felt a pair of arms beneath him holding him. "It's going to be okay 'kashi," his teacher mumbled in his ear. The young jonin didn't say anything; his face pressed to his instructor's chest. Focusing on the man's heart beat in hope of reminding his own of a rhythmic pattern, he was frightened to find that Minato-sensei's heart was pulsing at a hare-pace. Like-like-it wasn't going to be okay.
Panicking because Minato was freaking out, his breathing only picked up in rapidity-only furthering his heartbeat's uneven count. Minato's hand was running through his hair, trembling in their exertion to be steady through his worry as he murmured a litany of promises and lies. This did no good for Kakashi's fragile state and with his terror exploding with each short-breath, it was only a matter of time before he passed out in his teacher's arms-dead.
"Kakashi?!" The boy's teacher yelled at his student's sudden limpness. Looking down into the unseeing mismatched gaze, Minato knew emergency treatment was needed then and there. "Rin!" He barked and his remaining student fell into place by his side. "He needs CPR stat," he explained putting the boy down.
"Yes sensei," the girl said as the blond put her surviving teammate on the roof top. Falling into training, the young kunoichi went through the procedure of pumping the boy's chest and then breathing for him as her instructor took off for the hospital (he would bring help in time, he had to).
When Kakashi woke up next, he wasn't alone. Minato-sensei held his hand and through narrowed eyes he spied Rin dozing on the hospital room's couch; he wondered where-dead. Obito was dead. Involuntarily his breath hitched. His teacher's head shot up, his exhausted features brightening like a rekindled fire at the sight of him.
"You're awake!" He exclaimed in half-hushed tones.
Not quite certain what to say about his instructor's relief, Kakashi nodded against the scratchy fabric of his pillow. The man's hand reached out, brushing through his tangled locks. "How are you feeling?"
"G-" he stopped and cleared his throat, "Okay."
Staring at him with strangely unguarded eyes, his teacher rested his cheek on his arms and simply watched Kakashi. "We thought we lost you there for a minute," he said.
Furrowing his brow in confusion, Kakashi demanded; "When?"
The blond blinked. "When?" He repeated, "When you suddenly stopped breathing on our way here!" Frowning, he inquired "How much do you remember?"
Sifting through fuzzy memories, the boy finally settled on "Seeing the gate to Konoha and then-" he shrugged. "How long have I been out then?"
"About a week," his teacher admitted. "They determined it was due to chakra exhaustion-but I don't remember you using much after-" he stopped. Teeth gnawing on his lower lip.
The young jonin wondered if it was worse to lose a student over a teammate. He couldn't help but think "yes" was the answer; it was up to Kakashi to watch his teammates' backs and complete the mission...but it was up to Minato-sensei to ensure their safety. He didn't blame him for not being there because he'd told Kakashi to lead the mission, to keep everyone safe...and what had he done? He'd failed. (Just like father). Fleetingly, the boy believed Minato would abandon him now that he was not on death's doorstep-finally say good riddance to Kakashi and the accursed Hatake clan altogether. But then he remembered his teacher was much too stubborn to give up on him (or anyone really).
"I didn't," he finally concurred.
Scratching his head, the blond muttered "Strange..." and Kakashi agreed. Sighing, his instructor rose up and cracked his back. "I'll notify a nurse and see if we can't get some breakfast in here before they start poking you and stuff."
Not looking forward to examinations and prodding, the jonin sighed. "Yes sensei," he replied, knowing very well there wasn't a way out of this no matter how much he may want to skip it. Once the man left the room, the boy made quick work of forcing himself up into a sitting position on wobbling arms; once there, he let his body sag against the headboard with a great exhale.
Rin stirred.
"Rin?" He called gently, he didn't want to wake her if she wasn't ready...but it'd be nice to talk to her too. He hadn't ever been an especially attentive or good teammate to her (and even less so to Obito) but he'd respected her quiet strength. Mercifully, brown eyes flutter and open. Not capable of hiding his relief and smile in his weariness, he mumbled "Rin..."
His teammate's head turned to him and her eyes grew before she rocketed up from the couch to throw herself at him. "Oh Kakashi!" She shrieked in his ear, "You're alive!" She sobbed into the thin material of his hospital-gown as she clutched desperately at his narrow shoulders.
Eyes dimming as he let his face fall into the crook of her neck, he took in the scent of hospital; spices and sweat. She'd been here a while. Maybe even forgoing home for him. Him. He who let Obito die, he who let her be kidnapped first. Dislodging himself from her after her cries died down, the boy awkwardly met her gaze.
"I'm sorry," he apologized.
Her eyes grew in size once more, astonishment clear on her face. "What for?"
He could list off every mistake if he tried (his genius knows no bounds), even the ones from before the mission. If he did, though, they'd be here for days. "For-" he opened and closed his hands in his lap; gaze dropping from her face. "For everything."
The girl stilled. "Oh Kakashi..." she exhaled, a hand to her to her cheek before it fell away as she leaned in and kissed his face. "Please don't blame yourself," she begged. "There were so many variables...a few of us, at the very least let any fault be split equally okay? Don't carry this burden on your own!"
He hears her, but he doesn't believe her. He realized putting up a fight would only lead to unkind words and he wasn't in any mood for them. "When is his funeral?" He implored instead, effectively switching topics.
Rin's shoulders slumped. "Yesterday," she replied.
"I need to apologize to the Uchihas," Kakashi replied after a moment.
The kunoichi's eyes flood with a gloss of tears. "Please don't," she begged. "Sensei and I went to the memorial and-we told them what he did and they said-" she bit her lip. "Unkind, awful, spiteful things..."
"Even so," the jonin insisted.
"Just-" she heaved a trembling sigh as she ran her hand through her limp strands. "Wait a little bit okay? If everything goes well, they'll probably discharge you tonight or tomorrow."
Kakashi wasn't interested in waiting, but he'd do it for Rin. "Okay," he conceded.
A bit of triumph mingled with the sadness in the brunette's eyes. "Thank you," she uttered.
A scuffing came from the door as it was pushed open to reveal their instructor juggling three trays of food. "The nurse said I could take extra for us Rin-chan."
She smiled. "That was kind of her," she mumbled as she slid down the bed to give Kakashi more room to balance the tray Minato-sensei put on his thighs. Staring down at the small tray, he picked his fork up and attempted a bite of his porridge.
Bland. As to be expected of hospital food, he supposed. Taking another bite, he uncapped the tea and reached to take a sip of that as a low-grade throbbing began somewhere behind his eyes. Slowly eating his breakfast, Kakashi felt the intensity of the pain increase with time as he quietly listened to his teacher and Rin converse; hand eventually shaking, he put aside the spoon and brought his hand to this head to rub at his temples.
What was wrong with him?
"Kakashi?" Minato-sensei implored; "You alright?"
Heartbeat racing, the boy could only shake his head and squeak his eyes tightly shut as his chest started to hurt as well.
"Get a doctor Rin," the blond urged, followed by his teammate's quick steps as she left the room. Taking his hand between his two larger one's, the man promised Kakashi "We'll figure this out; we'll fix you."
He can hardly do more than squeak through the pain as he gives into the darkness invading into his vision.
Glaring angrily at the text on chakra before throwing it across the room, Kakashi remembered the medic's instructions;
"Don't overdo it now, your body's already giving an abnormal amount of chakra to the Sharingan just to keep it stable."
He's a ninja! What good was being one if he couldn't use any genjutsu and most ninjutsu? No good! He was no good! A lot of good the Sharingan did him! If anything, it set him back several years. Here he was finally at the point in his life when he chakra should have been expanding immensely; but now it was all going to the stupid eye! He wished he'd never accepted it! He wished he'd told-
He stopped himself. No. This was a gift from Obito. He gave him his eye to prove to everyone he wasn't a fuck-up, so that Kakashi would always have someone watching out for him. Hand coming to his bandaged eye, ("If we keep it covered, it will be like it's turned off almost; then it won't use up so much chakra taking in what it sees.") he felt the wetness of grief soaking through.
"Crybaby Obito," he whispered softly, brokenly. He got up.
xXx
Many hours later, after searching, asking and worrying; Minato found his young prodigy slumped against the memorial stone; his hand covering his dead teammate's name. Sighing, he walked over to the youth and picked him up. Surprisingly, Kakashi made a protesting noise; his hand grappling at the stone.
"Shh.." the older ninja soothed. "You can come back tomorrow."
Un-bandaged eye opening, the teacher was overwhelmed by the pain he saw in his pupil's lone eye. "He won't know how sorry I am if I leave," he pleaded; "I-I need to be here..."
Cradling the skinny boy's body against his own, the blond began to leave. "He knows your sorry," he mumbled against soft gray hair; "And Obito would hate if you wasted away here. He gave you that eye so you could become a great ninja..."
Turning unresistant to his teacher's wish to bring him home, Kakashi only grunted; "What good is a ninja who can't use genjutsu and ninjutsu?"
Minato frowned. "They didn't say you couldn't use it, the medic nin just said think carefully before doing ninjutsu or genjutsu."
The child scoffed against his neck and the blond knew it would take more than a few days for Kakashi to realize this wasn't a handicap-just a setback. Taking the quiet path back to Kakashi's apartment, he considered sending that kid, Gai, to his student's home. He'd heard that the boy wasn't capable of much beside taijutsu; maybe Kakashi just needed the reminder that a ninja didn't need to rely on genjutsu or ninjutsu.
After several more days sulking around his home and doing a very good job of not leaving his bed, Kakashi heard a thrum of quick-paced knocking at his door. Grumbling under his breath, the jonin wriggled out from beneath his warm comforter and pulled on a pair of pants before walking slowly to the front door (had to be careful of doorways, they'd become a big hazard to his shoulders and toes lately). Getting there, he heard a voice yell;
"I know you are home my eternal rival!"
The young jonin couldn't contain his groan. Gai was visiting now of all times? Unhappily glaring at his door, Kakashi decided it was because someone must have told him to visit. Sure, he and the the other boy hung out from time to time; but they didn't go to each other's houses!
"I will break your door down my rival if you do not open it!"
Kakashi debated the chance that the dark-haired youth was bluffing, but ended on the conclusion he wasn't. Gai didn't dabble much in lying. So, with a great long suffering sigh, he opened the door to see the other boy grin.
"I knew you'd open the door!" He laughed loudly.
Glaring at him with his one eye (which he thought couldn't be nearly as effective), the jonin demanded "What are you doing here?"
Some of the smile wavered and quieter, the other explained; "I haven't seen you since-well, in a long time and-" a spark igniting in his gaze, he shouted "I wanted to challenge you to a taijutsu match!"
Leaning against his doorway, Kakashi frowned. "I'm not supposed to be overdoing it," he explained; hand briefly hovering by his bandaged eye.
"You are afraid you will lose!" Gai declared.
Bristling, Kakashi forced himself to shrug coolly. "Hardly," he replied "More like it'll be too easy."
Seemingly excited by his response, the dark-haired boy stuck out his thumb and grinned. "Excellent! Then you won't mind proving it!" He yelled. "Meet me at the training field by the bridge!" He told him as he ran off.
Unhappy, Kakashi snapped "Gai-wait!" But it was too late. Grumbling under his breath, the jonin shoved his door closed with his shoulder and wandered back to his room to get dressed. He'd meet him there, but he was sure as hell going to make him wait (and he needed to pay his respects to Obito).
xXx
Coming to the training field, Kakashi was more than upset to find that Gai wasn't alone. No, the idiot was chatting away with Genma and Kurenai stood nearby with Asuma and Rin, who were giggling away at what every the boy was talking about; what was this? Some sort of get-together? Crossing his arms, the young jonin planned to turn back then but Gai's grating voice reached his ears loud and clear;
"Kakashi! My rival you have arrived!"
Haltingly, he turned around. "Gai," he acknowledge; pointedly ignoring the others (even Rin).
Smile blinding, he waved him over. "Come! You are much later than I expected!"
Approaching, Kakashi reminded him "You never told me when to meet you, I figured I had a bit."
"Nevermind! Let us battle!" He proclaimed.
Genman leaned over to Asuma and muttered; "How much do you want to bet that the guy'll lose 'cause his perception's off?"
Irked, Kakashi calmly said in a raised voice; "I'd shut your trap Genma-unless you want to be next."
"No thanks," the kid mumbled taking a step back.
Nodding, the jonin took a step toward Gai and the rest cleared out of the field to wait by the trees. Nearly dancing where he stood, Gai called out "Are you ready my eternal rival!?"
Kakashi threw a couple kunai at him (they were off) and the other leaped away laughing joyously. "I see that you are eager to jump in!" He remarked as he came around on the gray-haired youth's blind side in an attempt to land a hit.
A little slower than he would have liked, the boy genius managed to dodge and threw a shuriken at Gai (narrowly missing his head). As they traded blows and kicks and kunai on Kakashi's part, the young Jonin berated himself mentally as the fight wore on.
His stamina had taken a hit from the weeks he'd spent wasting away in bed and his perception was just as bad as it had been before Obito gave him his sharingan. Why had he let himself be bogged down in depression? Why hadn't he forced himself to train until he was perfect again (like he had when father died)? What made him act like a complete idiot?
Frustrated as Gai landed another kick, Kakashi ripped away the bandaged.
"Kakashi!" Rin shrieked fearfully from the sidelines. He ignored her and put the eye he'd only know the abilities of from textbooks to work. Once free from its bindings, the eye proves to be a great asset. With in a matter of minutes, Kakashi is back on top easily following and copying Gai's movements when it suits him. Picking up the patterns to a couple combos, it's not long before the boy recognizes one of them in action and is able to intercept the other youth in the middle of it.
Attacking just before Gai brought his leg down on him, Kakashi was able to flip the other back and pin him to the ground with a kunai to his neck.
Gazing down into the stricken face of his rival, the gray-haired boy hissed "I win."
"Kakashi!" someone was ripping him away from Gai and lifting his stare up he found it was his teacher.
Blinking, he murmured "Minato-sensei."
Tugging down his forehead-protector to cover his sharingan, the man growled; "You shouldn't be using that yet!" Shaking him for good measure, the blond demanded; "What were you thinking?!"
Tired and trembling just slight, the young jonin whispered; "That I wasn't going to lose."
Tossing his head side to side in disbelief, his teacher set him right on his feet and with a heavy hand, lead him away while another instructor (Asuma's maybe?) gathered up the remaining chunin to take them away-leaving Kakashi, Rin and Minato alone.
Left with the boy and girl, the man could only sigh. "I was hoping you'd be disciplined enough not to use your sharingan without supervision...but I guess we have to set up some rules, huh?"
Kakashi looked to his feet.
"Look, I don't know much about sharingan-let alone what it means when you aren't a Uchiha and have one...but, I'm going to find someone who can help you, teach you."
Heart rate picking up, Kakashi shot his lone eye up to meet his teacher's. "You don't have to," he said. "I taught myself a lot already from books I've been reading."
"Have you?" Minato replied with an appraising stare. "That was very good idea," he complimented. "But you really shouldn't have used it in a spar like that."
"I know," Kakashi agreed softly.
Rin's hand gripped his. "Please Kakashi," she begged. "Be more careful I don't know that-" she stopped wiping away tears as she hiccuped softly. "I can't lose you too!"
Bringing his arms around the two hurting children, Minato held them tightly and whispered; "Take care of yourself Kakashi-if not for yourself, for us."
Overcome by their affection, Kakashi feels Obito's eye begin to leak. Reaching under his forehead protector he wipes away the tears with his thumb and swore to Rin and Minato-sensei, "I will."
Hey guys! So this is my newest fic, it will center on Kakashi's development on the sharingan. This chapter detailed the immediate affects the sharingan had on his life and the aftermath of Obito's death.
I realize some of Kakashi's behavior might feel a bit irrational this chapter, like him believing he won't be a good ninja if he can't use ninjutsu or genjutsu; but think about it this way: say you lost your leg, would your first thoughts be "I can do this! It's no big deal, losing your leg's just a little setback!" I doubt it, no you're more likely to think of all the things you can't do now and forget that other people function just fine without legs all the time. So try to imagine it in that way, okay?
As you can see, I've stepped away from my usual style for this fic and the first chapter's surprisingly long. I'm hoping, that the next chapters can be close in length and if not-at least two thousand words. Since I have stepped away from my usual style, this fic will be three chapters in all. The first, being pre-Naruto, the next pre-time skip and the last time skip. If I get a decent response to this, I believe I will also write a (shorter) epilogue set in the future.
I'm hoping truthfully to see at least fifteen reviews by the end of this fic, so whoever ends up being reviewer fifteen will be winning a prize, a one-shot of their choosing in any of the fandoms I have previously written (or not too, I guess; if you want it in a different fandom, run it by me first and have a back up idea in case I won't do it).
Thank you for reading and pretty please review :)
P.S. You should go vote on the poll on my page for my next Naruto story idea (I know, I just started this one).