Author's Note – This is a short, feelsy one-shot I whipped up after wanting to write it for a few months. It's basically just to get my mind off a few things and back on track with writing. It's based off the song by Owl City. Sorry about no new chapters on LIS, I procrastinate a lot…
Disclaimer – I don't own Hetalia, or any of its characters.
Matthew lay awake, as he did most nights. The ceiling was as white as ever, and something about it comforted him. His polar bear lay next to him. Not that he was supposed to be on the bed, but his owner allowed it for the time being. A little heat might help his chilled body. That's what happens when you get used to sleeping with someone next to you. The sudden realization hit him like a brick, and Matthew began to tear up.
With a soft sniffle, the covers of the bed were pushed aside. Kumajiro lifted his head curiously as Matthew stumbled over to the door of his room and out the hall. It was getting harder and harder each day to get through the night. Without having him to be held by, it was hard to drift off. This was the second night with little sleep, and it was beginning to show.
The coffee maker beeped loudly as it finished brewing. That's all he needed, some warm coffee and a nice sit on the porch. Cup in hand, Matthew sighed and slipped out onto his front deck, making note of the beautiful sky. His mind was so busy, how could he sleep? The only thing filling his thoughts was the exact thing he didn't want to think about. Gilbert… He'd love this. Twilight was always his favorite time of day, Matthew thought as he sat on the wooden chair he kept out on the porch. Everything was so quiet and peaceful. It wasn't very calming.
Matthew would always ask Gilbert why he loved twilight so much. His reply was always, "It reminds me of you, Birdie." That made him blush, even now. With a soft laugh, he reminisced in the silence. It wasn't terrible, but he wasn't very used to it. It was very rare that his lover was quiet, always whispering to him about something or another, even if he was half-asleep. A quick glance at his hands, and Matthew was back to mourning.
Gilbert always used to hold his hand when they sat out here like this. It seemed that both of their hands fit together like the pieces of a puzzle, fingers intertwined perfectly. Now that was gone. Matthew tried not to think about that, but it was hard. The thought of being alone after so long of having Gilbert by his side was heartbreaking. Just thinking of the albino brought up his spirits. It made him feel like they were both still there.
"I'll never stop thinking about you, will I, Gil?" Matthew murmured softly into his coffee cup. He let out a quiet, humored huff. Yeah, that was right. No matter how much he'd ever love another person in the future, Gilbert would always take first place in his heart. That is, if he could ever move on. What they had was amazing and had been the best years of his life. Oh geez…
Matthew began to tear up again, letting out a soft sob. A hand came up to cover his mouth as he sniffled. Why did this have to be so hard? Maybe it was time to move on. Before long, Matthew realized that it was growing lighter out. He'd been out here so long, he hadn't even noticed. What he did see took his breath away.
It was beautiful. The approaching dawn cast a soft red glow on the horizon, battling with the darker colors for space in the sky. Matthew's eyes lit up and he smiled. Gil, he thought. That's who he thought of. Gilbert is all he thought of most of the time, but right now, it wasn't sad anymore. If Gilbert were here, he'd be so happy and full of joy that it would hard for Matthew not to be the same.
Running on that spirit, Matthew set his now freezing coffee aside and jumped out of his seat. This is what Gilbert would want. He would want him to be happy. And be happy he was. Matthew took a running leap off the porch and spun around his yard. Laughter broke free from him as the sun peaked out. He didn't have to forget all those wonderful years with him, he just needed to keep the memories and the feelings that came along with them.
No matter how much he wished for Gilbert to be there, he couldn't be. He was gone, and Matthew knew that. But everything was still so real. The love, the passion, the sobbing after learning that Gilbert was gone… Never mind that, though. Right now, Matthew focused on the good memories. The first time they met, through Francis. When Gilbert confessed his love to him, blushing as bright as Matthew's flag. Their first kiss; soft, careful, and chaste. The list went on and on.
Matthew finally calmed down from his sleepless high and wrapped his arms around himself in a hug. The blond made his way back to his chair and sighed quietly, a smile on his face. "I wish you were here, Gil." He whispered softly. "Then we could watch the sunrise together, like we used to." It seemed like just yesterday, he and Gilbert had been sitting on this same porch, hand-in-hand, dozing off on each other while waiting for the sun to make an appearance.
The front door creaked softly as Kumajiro padded out. This isn't so bad, Matthew thought as the bear jumped up into his lap. Gilbert would always have his heart, and that wouldn't change. If only he could reach into the past to leave a mental note that this would end up happening. He'd scream at himself to hug Gilbert one last time, to stare into his eyes and never forget the way they twinkled in the light. To kiss him and touch him just to make sure that he was still there.
Those were all things he wished he would've done. If only he had, then he might have taken the news better that Gilbert was gone. But right now… He was content with the sunrise and the ghost of Gilbert's fingers between his own.