TV Guide capsule for Saturday, Sept. 26, 1992:
9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy
SEASON PREMIERE: Tony has returned to Angela but is it as her housekeeper, her fiancé, or what?
Scene I: At the foot of the stairs, evening
(Tony is in his black tuxedo, Angela in her old pink robe, her hair in a towel "turban.")
ANGELA: (smiling) So what are your qualifications?
TONY: (a little shyly) Uh, well, um. (He takes her in his arms and they kiss passionately. Then he moves his head back and looks into her eyes, waiting.)
ANGELA: (softly) You got the job.
TONY: (amused and a little cocky) No kiddin'. (They resume kissing. He undoes her towel, so that her wet hair cascades down like a mermaid's. He stops kissing to look at her.) You're so beautiful! I love you. You're so beautiful.
ANGELA: You just said that.
TONY: I always say it twice.
ANGELA: Right. I remember.
TONY: So, Angela, what do you say we go upstairs to your room, put the lights on low, play some romantic music, warm our feet in front of the crackling fire, and then…. (He whispers in her ear. She shivers and sighs happily.)
ANGELA: Oh, Tony, I want to, but—
TONY: I know, this is kind of sudden, me showing up out of nowhere, with no warning. And we probably need to talk things out more and—
ANGELA: No, Tony, it's not that. It's just—
TONY: Oh, I get it. You're seeing another guy.
ANGELA: No, quite the opposite! It's just, well.
TONY: Yeah?
ANGELA: (embarrassed) I need to shave my armpits.
TONY: Oh, then you're definitely not seeing someone. Unless by "opposite" you meant you've switched teams.
ANGELA: No, I want to play on your team. But I need to do some basic grooming.
TONY: Angela, I'm Italian, so I'm not too upset about body hair. I mean, I'm not French, but as long as you don't have a mustache—
ANGELA: Thank you, Tony. But I'll feel more comfortable if I shave.
TONY: OK. Then I'll go pay the cabbie.
ANGELA: You left the meter running all this time?
TONY: Well, you might've kicked me out, so I wasn't taking any chances.
ANGELA: I want you to stay.
TONY: Good. I want to stay. (They look at each other and seem about to kiss again, but he breaks away.) Let me just pay the fare.
ANGELA: (nodding) I'll be back as soon as I can. (She heads up the stairs. He watches her go, looking like he's tempted to follow, but he sighs and turns to the door. But before he can exit, someone knocks.)
TONY: I'll get it. (shaking his head) Just like old times. (He sets his award down at the desk and then opens the door to the cabbie, who's played by Andy Kaufman, who didn't die in this parallel universe. The cabbie is carrying Tony's suitcase.)
CABBIE: (in a high voice with an unidentifiable foreign accent) Is it okay? Is your fiancée yours again?
TONY: (smiling) Yeah, she's mine.
CABBIE: Good, because I have to get back to New York City and I cannot stay here and wait for you to woo her back.
TONY: (taking the suitcase) That's OK.
CABBIE: You know, all the way from the airport, I have been trying to figure out who you are.
TONY: Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm Tony Micelli. I played second base for the St. Louis Cardinals.
CABBIE: No, that's not it.
TONY: (setting down the suitcase) Oh-kay.
CABBIE: Tony, Tony, Tony. I know! You are Tony Banta the boxer.
TONY: Sure, Pal, whatever. (taking out his wallet) Here. (handing the cabbie some money) This should cover the fare and the tip.
CABBIE: Thank you very much! (He turns to go and then looks out the door. He points excitedly.) Elaine! Elaine Nardo!
TONY: (as the cabbie runs off) No, that's Diane Wilming—Never mind. (He shakes his head and shuts the door. Then he puts away his wallet.) So do I wait for her down here? Or do I go up and unpack? Or do I—?
MONA: (offscreen) Angela?
TONY: Or do I face Mona?
MONA: (entering from the kitchen, dressed for a casual party) Angela, are you ready yet? Hank is— (She stops dead in her tracks at the sight of Tony.) Going to be surprised.
TONY: (trying to be casual) Hey, Mone, how's it goin'?
MONA: Oh, the usual. You?
TONY: (picking it up) I got an award.
MONA: (going to him) What, Bonehead of the Year?
TONY: Not quite. (He hands it to her.)
MONA: (reading it) "Outstanding New Teacher of the Year." And you had to come all the way back to Connecticut to show it off? Without changing out of your tux first?
TONY: Well, you get better service on the flight if you dress for success.
MONA: And you do look successful.
TONY: You look nice, too, Mone. Going somewhere?
MONA: Yes, we're all invited to the Harpers' going-away party.
TONY: We?
MONA: Yes, the family. Of course Samantha couldn't make it. It seems she had to attend an awards banquet in Iowa this afternoon.
TONY: Yeah, she'll be flying back tomorrow. We could get only one ticket on short notice, and she thought it was more urgent for me to go.
MONA: That's quite a sacrifice for a newlywed who has to be away from her husband.
TONY: Yeah, I know, she's a good kid.
MONA: So it was urgent for you to fly back, was it?
TONY: (not sure how much to tell her) Well, yeah.
MONA: Tony, I know why you're here and I have to warn you.
TONY: Warn me?
MONA: Yes. Oh, don't worry, Angela misses you. But she keeps insisting that you two splitting up was the right thing to do. And maybe you think winning this award will impress her, but she's just going to see it as proof that she was right about you staying in Iowa without her.
TONY: Yeah, but, Mone—
MONA: Don't get me wrong, Tony. You look very dapper and you could sweep almost any woman off her feet in that outfit, but Angela's not in the mood to be swept.
TONY: That's OK. I broke my broom, remember?
MONA: (looking around) Not that this place couldn't use a good sweeping. You won't believe the witches we've had the last couple months. You wouldn't be willing to come back as housekeeper, would you?
TONY: I could be tempted.
MONA: I'm kidding, Tony. I don't want you to give up your career. I just wish you'd found a good teaching job closer to home.
TONY: Well, actually—
JONATHAN: (entering from the front door) Wow, Heather Harper is home from boarding school and she looks like—Tony?
MONA: Poor girl.
JONATHAN: It really is you!
TONY: (giving Jonathan a hug) Hey, Buddy, how's it goin'?
JONATHAN: Wow, I don't believe this! First I find out that Heather Harper has grown knockers and now this!
TONY: (letting go) Quite an evening, huh?
JONATHAN: Tony, what are you doing here?
MONA: Showing off his teaching award.
JONATHAN: Oh, yeah, Sam was so excited for you! She said—Um, where's Sam?
MONA: She's catching a later flight.
JONATHAN: (confused) Oh.
HANK: (entering from the back door) So is everybody ready?
MONA: Well, Tony's certainly dressed to party.
HANK: Tony?
TONY: Hey, how's my favorite son-in-law?
HANK: (crossing the living room) Great! Did Sam tell you—? Um, Tony, where's Sam?
MONA: She's catching a later flight.
HANK: Let me get this straight. My wife goes to Iowa to support her father. And then he comes back without her?
JONATHAN: Don't ask me. I just got here.
TONY: (trying to shoo them like chickens) Let's all adjourn to the living room. (remembering Angela) Or, no, the kitchen's good. I miss my old kitchen!
JONATHAN: (as if Tony's crazy) And it misses you, Tony.
TONY: How about I make you all some lasagna? Or maybe meatloaf.
MONA: You don't have to go to all that trouble, Tony.
HANK: Besides, we'll eat at the Harpers' party.
JONATHAN: Let me go up and change first. (He starts to go to the stairs, but Angela appears on the balcony, in a white strapless nightie, her hair pulled back.)
ANGELA: (raising her arms high, like Evita) What do you say to this? (Jonathan and Hank are speechless. Tony looks embarrassed for Angela.)
MONA: Don't cry for me, Argentina. (Cut to opening credits.)
Scene II: The kitchen, about ten minutes later
(Mona, Jonathan, and Hank are sitting at the table, in that order from the left to the right of the screen. Tony is bustling around the kitchen, an apron tied around his tux.)
JONATHAN: I am going to need so much therapy!
HANK: I think we're just lucky we didn't walk in on worse.
JONATHAN: Please, after what I walked in on you and Sam doing last week—
MONA: (eagerly) What, what?
TONY: Ay, come on! None of that talk.
MONA: Says the man who got my daughter to live out his sick Eva Peron fantasies.
TONY: I do not have sick—
JONATHAN: An hour a week, minimum. (They all look at him.) For therapy. (They nod.)
TONY: Now I suggest when Angela comes downstairs—
MONA: If she's not hiding in her room.
HANK: Maybe we should send Tony up there to "show her his award." (He and Mona crack up.)
JONATHAN: Or an hour and a half, just to be safe.
TONY: I said when Angela comes downstairs, we just act like nothing happened.
JONATHAN: Yeah, yeah. I know the drill. You two "accidentally" sleep together and almost wind up on Eye on Hartford. You two "accidentally" get lost in the woods and wind up in the same motel room. Mom repeatedly calls your name out in her sleep so the whole family can hear. You reveal to the entire CSPAN audience that she has a great natural scent. You two just happen to make out in public in Jamaica. And I act like I'm not emotionally scarred for life.
HANK: Wow, Sam has left out a lot of good stories.
MONA: Stick around, Kid. I've got the feeling you'll have a few stories for her by the end of the weekend.
HANK: (shaking his head) And I didn't think anything could top the one where he walked in on her in the bathroom.
TONY: Mona! You told Sam?
JONATHAN: Wait, when did Tony walk in on Mom?
TONY: It was years ago, Jonathan, when you were a little kid. Of course we weren't going to tell you.
JONATHAN: Well, thank you for preserving some of my innocence. (Pause.) She wasn't on the toilet, was she? (Mona and Hank crack up again.)
TONY: No, she wasn't on the toilet! She was just getting out of the tub.
JONATHAN: Let's say two hours a week and leave it at that. (Angela enters in a modest party dress, the sort she'd wear in the first season or two.)
MONA: Well, Dear, don't you look—Amish. I guess you didn't need to shave after all.
ANGELA: Mother.
TONY: Well, I think she looks great.
ANGELA: Thank you, Tony. Um, what are you doing?
JONATHAN: (rolling his eyes) He's making hors d'oeuvres for the party.
TONY: Well, yeah, you know, I can't show up empty-handed as well as uninvited.
ANGELA: I'm sure the Harpers will be pleasantly surprised.
MONA: (muttering) Meatballs.
ANGELA: Excuse me?
MONA: He's making meatballs.
ANGELA: Oh.
TONY: Yeah, and, Angela, I don't blame you for firing your last housekeeper. The quality of beef she was buying is not good.
ANGELA: Maybe I need someone who knows where the beef is. (The Look.)
JONATHAN: Ew, gross! (Tony and Angela are embarrassed but amused.)
HANK: Hey, come on, Jonathan, I think this is cute. Tony and Angela are finally back together—You guys are back together, aren't you?
ANGELA: Well, um.
TONY: Well, yeah, I'm back in Connecticut.
MONA: In this house? In your beloved old kitchen?
TONY: Yeah.
MONA: Till she finds a new housekeeper or longer?
ANGELA: Tony can stay as long as he wants.
MONA: And is Tony working as your temporary housekeeper or is he looking for a teaching job?
ANGELA: Um, both?
TONY: We hadn't exactly worked out the details yet.
MONA: Maybe you two should stay home from the party and "work out those details." (Jonathan does a teenaged rolled-eyes & disgusted-sigh combo.)
JONATHAN: Well, I'm going to the party, with or without the meatballs. But first I'm going upstairs to change.
HANK: I'll meet you over there. I've got to make a quick phone call. (Jonathan goes out the swinging door, while Hank goes out to the driveway, towards his and Sam's apartment over the garage.)
MONA: OK, now that Beavis and Butt-head are gone, we can discuss this as adults.
TONY: (sourly) Great.
ANGELA: (equally sourly) I can't wait.
MONA: Listen, for seven years I had to watch you two dance around each other. I thought when you finally admitted to each other what I knew from before you met, that you're perfect for each other, we'd finally get somewhere. But, no, you two meatheads had to continue to mess things up for another year. And what I want to know is, well, Tony, are you going to marry my daughter or not?
TONY: Aw, gee, Mone, where's your shotgun?
MONA: Ha! As if you two would ever—I bet even in the privacy of Iowa—
ANGELA: Mother.
MONA: I know you still haven't really been to bed together, although if my timing were better, you might've accomplished it tonight. And I apologize for that.
ANGELA: Well, thank you, Mother, but—
MONA: Let me finish. If the problem is that you're not married, then get married!
ANGELA: What, tonight? We'll miss the Harpers' party.
TONY: I still have jet lag.
MONA: (sternly, like she's the Mother Superior in Tony's nightmare) Anthony Morton Micelli!
TONY: (scared) Yes, Ma'am?
MONA: Do you want to marry Angela?
TONY: Yeah, of course! And I'm not just saying that because I think you're going to take this frying pan and hit me with it.
MONA: Angela, do you want to marry Tony?
ANGELA: (softly, as if finding the romance even in this moment) Yes, more than anything.
MONA: Well, then. Let's party like it's 1999! (They stare at her.) Which is probably when you'll actually tie the knot. But I now pronounce you re-engaged, so let's go surprise the Harpers.
TONY: (a little whiny) My meatballs aren't done yet!
MONA: (sternly) Anthony.
ANGELA: Mother, we'll be along in a moment.
MONA: (back to mischievous Mona) Oh, I get it. Detail discussion time. (She winks.)
ANGELA: Something like that, yes.
MONA: Just make it over there by the time the Harpers leave the neighborhood.
TONY: We'll try. (Mona gives him a quick hug and then exits out to the driveway.)
ANGELA: So.
TONY: Alone at last.
ANGELA: Yes, which probably won't be for long, considering our track record.
TONY: Yeah.
ANGELA: Are you OK with being engaged?
TONY: Yeah, are you?
ANGELA: (holding out her hand, where we can see her engagement ring) Yes.
TONY: (grinning) Good. (He kisses her hand.)
ANGELA: Très bon.
TONY: (channeling Gomez Addams) Ange, that's French! (He starts kissing up her arm.)
ANGELA: Mm, now I'm wishing I'd gone with a sleeveless dress.
TONY: You want to go up and change?
ANGELA: Do you want to go up and help me change?
TONY: Yeah, but we'd never make it to the party. (The phone rings. He sighs wearily.)
ANGELA: See?
TONY: (letting go of her arm) Yeah. (He goes over to the phone and then stops.) Oh, wait, it's probably not for me, right?
ANGELA: (taking off one of her earrings) Well, you have been away for awhile.
TONY: Too long. (She nods, smiles, and takes the phone off the hook)
ANGELA: Hello?
SAM: (in alternating shots, we see her at a booth outside at an airport) Angela?
ANGELA: Samantha! How nice of you to call! (She looks at Tony, and they both understand that Sam probably just talked to Hank.)
SAM: Yeah, well, I wanted to make sure Dad arrived OK.
ANGELA: Yes, he did. Safe and sound. Do you want to talk to him?
SAM: (feigning surprise) Oh, is he right there?
ANGELA: He's right here. (She signals to Tony and holds the phone so he can hear, too. But instead of the usual leaning in towards each other, Tony puts his arms around Angela.)
TONY: Hey, Sam, how's Iowa?
SAM: Same as when you left, Dad. How's Connecticut?
TONY: A little different than when you left.
SAM: Good different?
TONY: Very good.
ANGELA: Très bon. (Tony gives her a look like Not in front of my daughter!)
SAM: Glad to hear it. Especially since I'm in Burlington.
TONY: Burlington?
SAM: As in Vermont.
TONY: Uh, do you want me to go pick you up in Burlington?
SAM: No, Dad, that's OK. I'll get a cab.
TONY: Well, don't go with any crazy foreign drivers.
SAM: Dad, I'm surprised at you! That's so prejudiced!
TONY: No, Honey, I didn't mean—
SAM: Oh, there's a taxi, gotta go! I love you, Dad! And you, too, Angela!
ANGELA: We love you, Sweetheart!
TONY: Yeah, and when you get here— (Click.) Um, we should probably leave her a note, in case we're still at the party.
ANGELA: If we get to the party.
TONY: An-gel-a!
ANGELA: (teasing) To-ny!
TONY: OK, ten minutes of smooching till my meatballs are done, and then we've got to go.
ANGELA: Whatever you say. (They start smooching. Cut to commercial.)
Scene III: The Harpers' living room, about ten minutes later
(All four Harpers—Mark, Pam, their 16-year-old daughter Heather, and their 8-year-old son Adam—are there, mingling with the guests. Jonathan is trying to get Heather's attention.)
JONATHAN: So then you won't believe who showed up.
HEATHER: To the party?
JONATHAN: No, to my house. (Doorbell.)
HEATHER: Excuse me, Jonah, I've got to get that. (She moves towards the front door.)
JONATHAN: (quietly) It's Jonathan. We shared our first grown-up kiss three and a half years ago.
HEATHER: (as she opens the door to Hank) Hello. Oo, who are you?
HANK: Hank Thomopolous. I moved to the neighborhood a few months ago.
HEATHER: Oh, I've been away at boarding school for three years. But I'm going to stay with the Witteners and go to Fairfield High this Fall.
HANK: (shutting the door behind him) Oh, great, you'll have to meet Jonathan.
HEATHER: Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.
HANK: Uh, yeah. (signaling him over) Hey, Jonathan!
HEATHER: I thought that was Jonah.
JONATHAN: (coming over) Hi, Heather, I see you've met my stepbrother-in-law-to-be.
HEATHER: You have a stepsister? Who's engaged to Hunk? I mean Hank.
JONATHAN: No, I have an almost stepsister who's married to Hank. Our parents are getting married. I mean my mom is marrying her dad.
ADAM: Billy's parents are getting married?
HEATHER: Who's Billy?
ADAM: He was my best friend until he moved back to his grandma's.
HEATHER: So, wait, Jonah—
JONATHAN: Jonathan.
HEATHER: Right, sorry. Jonathan, you and Hank's, um, wife have parents who had a kid Adam's age but they're not married yet?
JONATHAN: Hey, it's the '90s.
ADAM: (running towards his parents) Mommy! Daddy! Mr. Micelli and Mrs. Bower are getting married!
WENDY WITTENER: (relieved) Thank God!
JOANNE PARKER: (shocked) Oh my God!
JONATHAN: Well, when I said getting married, I may've exaggerated a little.
HANK: They're going to kill you, Jonah.
JONATHAN: Thanks, Hunk. (Doorbell.)
HEATHER: I'll get it. (Hank steps out of the way. She opens the door to Mona, who is wearing a stunning red dress, as if she's upgraded from McDonald's to the Russian Tea Room.)
JONATHAN: Nice dress, Grandma.
HANK: That's not what you were wearing earl—
JONATHAN: Just roll with it, Hank. (Hank nods.)
PAM: Well, don't you look nice, Mona? But this is a casual affair.
JOANNE: Mona always overdoes it for casual affairs.
MONA: (mock-sweetly) Well, for a special occasion like the Harpers leaving the neighborhood, I dress up. Just think what I'd wear if you left, Joanne.
MARK: So, Mona, what's this I hear about Tony and Angela getting married?
MONA: They're going to kill you, Jonathan. (Jonathan has a How did she know it was me? expression.)
PAM: (exchanging amused looks with her husband) Oh, looks like the cat's out of the bag!
MONA: Well, they didn't want to overshadow your departure, but as we're all friends here. Yes, Tony's back and they're going to finally say "I do."
JOANNE: I heard they already "did" years ago.
MONA: Well, don't believe everything you hear, Joanne. That's what I tell people about your pool boy.
JOANNE: Do you want to know what else I've heard, Mona? You and— (as Tony and Angela come through the open door, he carrying a plate of meatballs and no longer wearing the apron) You and your lovely daughter have a houseguest.
TONY: Well, I'm not exactly a houseguest.
JOANNE: Oh, are you a housekeeper again?
MARK: It sounds more like they'll be playing house. (Mark, Pam, and Joanne laugh condescendingly. Tony and Angela glare at Mona, who has a Who me? expression.)
WENDY: (storming over) That's enough! Tony and Angela have gone through so much these past eight years, and if they are finally back together, we, as their friends and neighbors, should support them!
JENNY WITTENER: You tell 'em, Mom!
JONATHAN: (staring at this more mature version of his first crush, still with glasses but no longer in braids) Jenny?
HEATHER: Oh, Jonah, have you met my friend Jenny Wittener? We met in boarding school and she lives right in this neighborhood! I'll be staying with her family, while we do junior year at Fairfield High.
MONA: (aside to Jonathan) Looks like Heather's not the only one who got knockers. (Jonathan blushes. Then a burnt-out middle-aged hippie, played by Christopher Lloyd, enters the open door.)
HIPPIE: Excuse me, is this 3344 Oakhills Drive?
MARK: No, it's 3342 Oakhills. And who are you?
MONA: Jim?
HIPPIE: Have we met?
MONA: Reverend Ignatowski!
HIPPIE: Pleased to meet you, Reverend.
MONA: No, you're Reverend Jim Ignatowski.
HIPPIE/RJI: That sounds really familiar. And you are?
MONA: Mona Robinson. Remember, my daughter's wedding seventeen years ago?
RJI: Did I perform it?
MONA: (with a certain emphasis) No, you had me in your cab.
RJI: (delighted) Mona! Big Red!
ANGELA: Mother! Is that why you were late to the ceremony? You said there was heavy traffic!
MONA: There was, Dear. We had to pass the time somehow.
JONATHAN: Ew, gross!
RJI: Well, it's great to see you again, Mona. Too bad I've got to take my passenger to 3344 Oakhills Drive. It should be around here somewhere.
SAM: (entering from behind Jim, carrying her overnight bag) It's OK. This is close enough.
TONY: Sam! I told you not to get in a cab with a crazy driver.
SAM: Well, at least he's not foreign. (Everyone looks at her.) Dad said it. (They all look at him.)
TONY: Never mind. You got here in one piece. (to Rev. Jim) How much do I owe you?
RJI: Did I do something for you?
TONY: You brought my daughter here.
RJI: Oh, she's your daughter. I see the resemblance.
TONY: Yeah, we're like clones. So what's the tot—?
RJI: You know, you look like someone else I've met.
TONY: Well, you've never made me late for a wedding ceremony.
MONA: How about he makes you early for one?
TONY: Huh?
MONA: He's fully licensed to perform ceremonies, of all kinds.
ANGELA: Mother, that's a sweet thought, but this is the Harpers' going-away party and I'm sure they don't want—
MARK: I think it's a great idea.
PAM: So romantic! (Tony and Angela look at each other like they can't believe this is happening.)
MONA: All your loved ones and friends are here. (She glances at Joanne.) Well, close enough.
TONY: They are not all here! Bobby Governale isn't here! He was gonna be my best man!
JONATHAN: You don't want me as your best man?
TONY: Well, I figured you'd give your mom away. Unless Mona did.
ANGELA: I'm a grown woman, I can give myself away! (They all look at her.) I mean if I were getting married.
TONY: When, not if, Angela.
ANGELA: Of course.
SAM: (pulling the two of them aside) You may as well go along with it. Sure it's crazy and probably not legal, but who cares? You two will finally be married.
TONY: (whining) But, Sam, I wanted a big church wedding with taffeta and everything!
SAM: Dad, sometimes life doesn't go the way you want and you just have to tough it out.
HEATHER: Who's the short, little, pushy girl?
HANK: (proudly) My wife.
HEATHER: Oh. So, Jonah, will you show me around school on Monday?
JENNY: Hey, I saw Jonathan first!
JONATHAN: Girls, please don't fight over me. Not at my mom's wedding.
ANGELA: Jonathan, we're not— (She looks around at the crowd, who seem eager for the wedding. Well, Joanne at least looks like she'll enjoy spreading the gossip.) OK, Tony, I need to speak to you in the kitchen, now!
TONY: Gee whiz, Angela, it's not even our kitchen! (But he hands Reverend Jim the plate of meatballs and follows her across the living room to the Harpers' kitchen.)
WENDY: I've got dibs on Matron of Honor!
PAM: It's my house!
Scene IV: The Harpers' kitchen, right after
(Tony and Angela enter the swinging door.)
ANGELA: Well, Tony, what do you want to do?
TONY: Sneak out the back door while nobody's lookin'?
ANGELA: They'll just track us down.
TONY: Angela, you know I want to marry you. But not like this! I mean, for one thing, Mrs. Rossini will kill me that I didn't invite her.
ANGELA: I know. And we don't even like the Harpers. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if we were getting married at the Fergusons'.
TONY: Angela.
ANGELA: Well, anyway, let's look at this logically. Worst case scenario, we have a ridiculous and probably illegal wedding. But look on the bright side, no wedding photographer!
TONY: That's the bright side?
MARK: (ducking his head in) Guys, Mona's gone home to get her mother's wedding dress and her videorecorder. Mona's recorder, Angela, not your grandmother's. Jonathan's getting his accordion. I told him he could use our piano, but he said he doesn't know how to play the piano.
TONY: (overwhelmed) Great.
MARK: And, Tony, you of course already have your tux.
TONY: I knew there was a reason I didn't change on the plane.
MARK: Now is there anyone you want us to call for you?
TONY: Yeah, Bobby Governale, Mrs. Rossini, Philly Fingers, oh, and why not George and Barbara Bush while you're at it?
ANGELA: And Bill and Hillary Clinton, just to be fair.
MARK: Well, it's pretty short notice during the campaign season.
TONY: Yeah, what were we thinkin'?
MARK: But I'll call Freddy Fingers and the others.
TONY: Philly. Sam's got their numbers.
MARK: Great! Oh, this is going to be the party of the year!
TONY: Glad we could help out. (Mark disappears.) Angela, when you moved to Iowa, I threw you a little party. But you, you've really outdone yourself welcoming me back.
ANGELA: (amused, even though it's not her fault) Hey, nothin' but the best for my honey-bunny! (They kiss. Cut to commercial.)
Scene V: The Harpers' living room, a couple hours later
(The furniture has been rearranged for the wedding. Reverend Jim is at one end of the room, with Tony standing in front of him. The best man is Mark Harper, while Jonathan and Bobby G. play the wedding march as an accordion duet. Philly and Mrs. Rossini are there, both crying. Pam Harper is working the videorecorder. Heather and Jenny have both improvised bridesmaids' dresses and are the first down the stairs. Adam looks annoyed that he's been roped into being the ring-bearer.)
RJI: Should I start?
TONY: Let's wait for the bride.
RJI: Good idea. You've done this before, haven't you?
TONY: Yeah, but not quite like this.
(Then Angela descends the staircase, accompanied by Mona on her left, Sam on her right. All three women look beautiful. Mona is still in her red dress, Angela's in Nanna's 1920s wedding gown, and Sam's in the outfit she wore to Tony's award ceremony, a little worse for wear from travel but she didn't want to go home and change. They reach Tony and smile at him. He beams back at them. Angela takes her place next to him.)
RJI: Well, here we all are.
MONA: Go with that, Jimbo.
RJI: Thanks, Big Red. So I think these two want to get married. And you all want them to get married, right?
EVERYONE: Yes!
RJI: So, Mr. Banta, you may now kiss the bride. (Tony and Angela smile at each other and then smooch.)
JOANNE: This can't be legal.
TONY: (reluctantly breaking the kiss) It's legal enough for me. Angela, you good with this?
ANGELA: Well, we're probably common-law married anyway.
TONY: Atlantic City, Angela?
ANGELA: (taking the keys to her Jag out of her bouquet) Atlantic City, Tony. (They race out the front door, Angela throwing the bouquet over her shoulder. Mrs. Rossini, Heather, and Jenny squabble over it. It ricochets into Mona's hand as she's chatting with Rev. Jim. She looks at it, looks at Rev. Jim, and then throws it over her shoulder. Mrs. R and the girls squabble over it some more. Fade to black.)
…
(As the end credits roll, we see a cartoon of a Monopoly racecar with Angela's face and an iron token with Tony's face traveling around the board together. After awhile, it becomes clear that they're passing Go a lot.)
…
Author's Note: Besides Kaufman's presence, there are two other deliberate anachronisms in this episode. Beavis and Butt-head didn't premiere till the following March. And Jim Ignatowski didn't start driving a cab till 1979. Also, there's no possible way that he could drive from Burlington to Fairfield in less than half an hour. But, hey, it's an alternate reality, so just roll with it.