Warning - MASH - SLASH - but implied only. Klinger/Winchester.
I don't own MASH.
Originally written as a stocking stuffer for Nyssa23 in the 2007 Yuletide Obscure Fandom Fanfiction Exchange.
The Doctor is In, But the Patient is Out
by Jo Z. Pierce
"Sidney! You must be here for the Annual MASH 4077 New Year's Poker Game and Cash Give Away"
Dr. Sidney Freedman chuckled as he climbed out of his jeep and shook the hand of his old friend Captain Benjamin "Hawkeye" Pierce.
"I might just take you up on that, Hawkeye. But right now, I'm here on business." Steam poured out past his lips as he spoke in the cold December air.
"Sounds serious. Anything I should know about?"
"Probably not. I think it's just a little throwback to the good ol' times."
Sidney Freedman, the travelling Army psychiatrist and part-time poker player, grabbed his small bag from the back of the Jeep and headed towards the V.I.P. tent.
Corporal Max Klinger rushed out to greet him.
"Dr. Freedman! It's so nice to see you!" Klinger sug out, as he grabbed the doctor's arm and pulled him in. Nervously, he hurried him towards the V.I.P. tent. The whole while, he looked back over his shoulders and all around, just to make sure no one was paying too much attention. Only Hawkeye was left watching, curious about the whole encounter.
"Let's get you out of this cold winter air! Let me get your bag... I'll see you to your quarters!"
As the doctor was carted away, B. J. Hunnicutt scurried up to Hawkeye and jogged in place next to him, trying to keep warm.
"What was that about?"
"I don't know, Beej."
"You think Klinger is trying out the old Section 8 routine again?"
"Nothing would surprise me. Hey, I'll buy you a cup of coffee."
"Look, I'm sorry to call you all the way up here. On New Year's Eve, too."
"That's ok. I take it this is a serious house call? You don't want me to check out the latest fashions from Paris, do you..."
Klinger rolled his eyes and put his hand up to his head as if in pain. He moaned slightly.
Sidney sat forward in his seat, concerned by his patient's reaction. "Max, are you starting to wear women's clothes again?" Although the corporal had started to wear the standard military attire, one could never be sure of what was on underneath.
Klinger rolled his eyes again, moaned, and then began to pace across the floor of the V.I.P. tent.
Sidney sat back, raised his eyebrows slightly, and crossed his arms as he watched. Realizing it was warmer that way, with his hands tucked under neath his pits, he decided to maintain the pose.
"Klinger, we have spoken about this many times! It is completely normal for you to want out of the army, even if dressing in women's clothes was your approach. It's very normal. Completely normal."
Klinger began to pace even more quickly.
"That's not it, Doc."
"Then what is it? Sit down." The psychiatrist offered him a chair. Klinger refused.
"Doc, can a guy, after dressing like a woman for that long, all of a sudden... start to really... I feel like one?"
"Do you?"
"Look, whatever I say here is off the record."
Sidney smiled slightly. "You know that anything you share with me here is completely confidential, unless you become a danger to yourself, or others."
"Look. I want out of the army, like no one else. You know that."
"Yes, I do."
"I wanted to get that Section 8, but I didn't want to go crazy...! Not for real!"
"Do you think you am going crazy?"
Klinger rolled his eyes again, this time with his head following way. "I don't know WHAT I think anymore!"
"Can you give me a hint?"
Klinger finally succumbed. He pulled up a chair, faced it backwards, and climbed on with his legs straddling both sides. He leaned in towards Sidney, dropped his voice to a whisper, and started to explain.
"A few days ago... just after Christmas, I started to..." He looked around the tent nervously, to make sure there was no one else there. Then he quickly got up, looked outside the door.
"I'll be right back!"
Klinger ran around the tent, making sure there was indeed no one around, and no recording devices or loud speaker microphones wired under the tent. It had been done before, but he didn't want it to happen to him. Not now. A minute later, he came back into the tent, shivering slightly from the cold. Warming up his hands, he resumed his seat.
"This Christmas, one of the surgeons did something really, really unexpected. And now, well, I had to really reconsider what I think of him."
"Was it a good thing? Or a bad thing?" Sidney tried to draw his patient out some more.
"That's the thing. It was a good thing. And, well, now, I kind of like this doctor."
Sidney nodded his head and raised his eyebrows again. "And you didn't like him... before?"
Klinger sighed a little, realizing he just revealed too much. "It's Major Winchester, Doc. He donated a whole bunch of very expensive chocolate - anonymously - to the orphanage. I mean, it wasn't like him!! Usually, if he does something half nice, he'll let you know what a real gem he is. And well, who likes a guy like that?"
Sidney smiled and nodded. Klinger shrugged his shoulders. He continued.
"But this way? Anonymously? It was, well, really nice. And I can't stop thinking about it... Or him."
Sidney smiled, realizing that he would be making the New Year's Eve poker game after all. "Klinger, there is nothing wrong with an event like this changing someone's mind about a person. In fact, it is a good thing to see people in a different light..."
"No! Doc!" Klinger interrupted, nervously. Still whispering, he leaned in closer. "Doc. You're not listening. And I can't stop thinking about... him!"
With a serious look, Sidney then remembered Klinger's original question about feeling like a woman.
"Corporal, are you saying you have certain sexual..."
"SHHHH!!!" Klinger exploded, growing even more nervous. He got up from his seat and began pacing again.
"Sit down..." Sidney said calmly. "Max. I have heard it all before." Sidney pointed to the chair, warmly. The corporal finally returned to the seat. The two sat silently for a moment or two.
"I just want to know that this is gonna go away! You know? Will it, Doc?"
Sidney looked at his patient. "I can't say for sure that it will."
"OH!! GEEZ!!" Klinger cried out, both hands on his head this time.
"Let me finish, corporal." Trying not to be too clinical, he began. "A few years back, a man named Alfred Kinsey did a big study. It was about sex, and about men, and their feelings."
"Yeah. YEAH! I think I heard about that, somewhere," Klinger said, breathing heavy, as if beginning to hyperventilate.
"Well, he found that it is not uncommon at all for men - even men who exhibit no other signs of homosexuality - to have these feelings occasionally. It's quite normal."
"How normal?" Klinger said, anxiously.
"Very normal. Over 30 percent."
Klinger's eyes opened wide, considering the statistics. His breathing quickly returned to normal.
"Really?"
Sidney nodded. "Curiosity is completely normal. And we are learning more and more that even men who are homosexual can lead..."
"Are you saying I am... I that way ?"
"Is there anything wrong with that?"
" I AM?"
"No, Max. From what I can see, from what you are saying here, you are not a homosexual. The fact that you wore women's clothes for so long maybe makes you a bit more nervous about it. But like I said, it's all very normal."
"But what if I can't stop?"
Sidney wanted to reassure his patient that it would be ok. Whatever his sexuality was, on that wide range of possibilities, it would be ok. And quite frankly, it really didn't matter. Wherever Klinger would find himself along that Kinsey Scale, it didn't change the man he was on the inside. But he knew that Klinger was not ready for that revelation...
And maybe most of the world wasn't ready either.
"Max, I want you to go ahead and not worry about these thoughts. I assume you keep them to yourself..."
"Of course!"
"Then, there is nothing to worry about."
"But..."
"Corporal, remember... 30 percent. If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, you're one of the most normal men I know."
"But I want to stop it..."
"Why?"
"Don't you have any kinds of pills or something to make it go away?"
Sidney shook his head. "Max..."
"I'm not going to ... attack him... am I?"
Sidney smiled a little. "I think you can control yourself. You wouldn't attack a woman, would you?"
"No... No! I wouldn't."
"My recommendation? Try not to think about it too much. Or think about it all you want. The choice is yours."
"That's some recommendation! What did I call you in here for?"
"A friendly ear. To listen. And not to judge..."
Klinger tried to let the psychiatrists words sink in. "What if it's not a choice?"
"Then you will only beat yourself up trying to fight it."
Klinger was surprised and unsatisfied by the advice.
"If you'd like, we can talk about this some more," Sidney offered. "My appointment book has lots of openings."
"What? Are you kidding me? In this crazy nuthouse?"
"So, you say killing people, and fighting a war is much crazier than the feelings you may - or may not - be having for another man? "
"Well, yeah... I mean, no one's gonna get killed if I wind up feeling love for someone I shouldn't."
Finally, Klinger's face turned from nervous to wise. He smiled weakly.
"That's what it's about, Doc, isn't it? Someone telling you who you can, and who you can't love. Someone telling you who you have to hate..." The corporal let out a small sigh. "It don't seem right, either way."
"No. It doesn't."
Klinger nodded his head, and stared at the floor.
"You know, underneath my uniform, I've got a pair of women's woolen Long Johns on..."
"I bet they keep you warm."
"Yeah. Sure do..."
"Does it matter that they are made for women?"
"Not really. Not in this weather."
"No. It doesn't."
"Thanks, Doc," Klinger said, as he got up from his chair and headed for the door.
"Anytime, Max. My door is always open."