Bullet Proof

Rimmer stared at the roof of his bunk, his arms folded neatly over his torso and his legs crossed stiffly as he lay on the hard standard issue bedding. How did he end up here? How did he end up stuck alone three million years into deep space with Lister and his so called 'evolved' Cat creature? How did he make such a rudimentary mistake fixing the drive plate? How could one mistake cause such catastrophic results? These questions swirled through his head. He simply couldn't understand how or why any of this had happened. How could he have screwed up so phenomenally? And in the process bar any chance he had of doing well. There was never a doubt in his mind since he was a young boy that he would be a disappointment. Sure, he tried to be the perfect son – to be brave and handsome and smart, to be an officer, a man with social class and well-bred manner – but he always subconsciously knew he was never going to make it. He knew he was never going to get up the ziggurat; he would never be anybody important or noteworthy. He just wasn't good enough for that sort of thing. He didn't have the right looks or the wit, or even the right bloody parents. He had been doomed to be a nothing. He had tried though. He had tried his whole life to gain just a skerrick of recognition but it was all to no avail.

Trying wasn't enough these days, you either had it or you didn't. If you had it, then you would succeed and get everything – a family, friends, wealth and status. If you didn't have it you failed and got nothing – only the knowledge that you were inferior to a degree that the only use society held for you was to unblock chicken soup vending machine nozzles. This is the category Rimmer fell into and he despised it. He had put effort and time into his career, the only thing he ever thought he might have an iota of a chance at succeeding in and it had still all amounted to zilch. Now he had no friends, no family, and no career; Just a holographic projection, an almost empty JMC mining ship and the never-ending void of space.

He sat up and swivelled his lanky frame around so he could put his feet on the ground, and glanced at the door to the sleeping quarters just as it slid open with a mechanical hum and Lister walked in holding a foil tray of chicken vindaloo. The third technician seemed perfectly content as always with his Indian cuisine and ever-optimistic outlook on life. If anything he should have been bitterer than Rimmer – he still had a life to live, a life that would inevitably be wasted alone now; at least Rimmer had the fact he was already dead if nothing else. Lister made his way to the table in the middle of the room and when he spotted Rimmer eyeing him, grinned and flopped down in the single seat accompanying it. "You're still moping around in here then, Rimmer?"

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "There's not much else to do."

"I'm sure there's something you can nit-pick, I heard the skutters on floor fifteen were feeling rebellious and repainted the walls ocean grey again after you made them paint them military grey," Lister remarked.

"Oh ha-ha, did you think of that yourself? It deserves a pathetic goit award for its brilliance."

Lister shrugged. "Well if you don't fancy that then maybe you'd prefer doing something slightly more interestin' – like bashing your head against a brick wall."

Rimmer rolled his head back. "You are beyond intolerable."

Lister shovelled a forkful of curry into his mouth. "Seriously though, you can't spend the rest of your death lamenting how crappy your life was. That part of your existence is over man, it's time to start fresh."

Well if that wasn't the stupidest thing Rimmer had ever heard. "Lister I can't just pretend that I never lived," Rimmer snapped.

The other man looked over at Rimmer. "But it wouldn't really be pretending, would it? You never lived when you were alive."

This didn't serve to make Rimmer feel any better. The hologram stood up and stormed up to the table. "You think I don't know that! I can't do anything about it now though, can I? I'm dead, dead as a can of spam! I had my time and I did absolutely nothing with it, I didn't make a single dent in the world. I had no achievements, no career, no accomplishments, no friends, not even any love; and now I'm stuck three-million-years in deep space as a hologram. I botched my life big time and there's not a damn thing I can do about it."

The second technician's sudden outburst caused Lister to put down his fork. It was silent for a moment as his bunkmate contemplated his words. Suddenly Lister began to speak again. "It doesn't have to be like that though," he began sincerely, looking up at Rimmer. "You can change all those things."

Rimmer looked at Lister disbelievingly. "And how exactly am I supposed to get any of those things now?"

Lister's curry somehow didn't seem as appetizing to him as it did before. He pushed it away from himself absently. "Well maybe you can't have a home or a family in the traditional sense-"

"I can't have them in any sense, Lister!"

"Just hear me out," Lister continued. "You can't have those things in the traditional sense but you can use what you have to make something close to them."

Rimmer was still very unconvinced. "Please explain."

The third technician lifted his legs onto the table and crossed his arms over his chest. "Firstly, for your career you can still work your way up the ranks. Sure, no one is around now to give you your pips for it but it doesn't mean you can't do it for yourself. You can still become and officer for your own peace of mind."

Rimmer was silent as Lister fed him this information. He had never thought of that, he had never considered actually giving his all and still striving to make something of himself, for himself. Now that there was nobody to compete against and no schedules, he had all the time in the world to study and perfect his knowledge. He could get his astro-nav's at his own pace.

"Secondly," Lister cut through Rimmer's epiphany, "If you can stop yourself from being a complete smeg-for-brains and loosen up a little you might be able to become friends with the rest of us, which really leads me to my third point that we'd also be your family, as nauseating as that is to say. We have to stick together since there's no one else who we can rely on now."

The hologram lifted his hand to his chin and started stroking it in thought. "Work my way up the ranks, become an officer, be nice to you and become friends and vicariously I'll get a family. It's so simple, why didn't I think of this before?"

"Because you're a total gooseberry," Lister offered.

Rimmer shot Lister a glare before his face fell. "There's still one problem," he said hopelessly.

Lister cocked an eyebrow. "Wha'?"

"What about love? I've only ever had one brief liaison with Yvonne Mgruder and now I'll never see a woman again. How am I supposed to find somebody to love?"

"Well that," Lister began, "That… I can't help you with," he finished dismally. "You never know though, we could bump into your perfect mate on an abandoned ship or something, it's possible."

There was silence. So Lister's argument, whether he phrased it like this or not, was that if Rimmer worked hard enough he could still get a career and a family, at least in a sense, but he would remain loveless. It wasn't surprising, even if there were women on board none of them would be interested in him anyway. They would surely be repulsed by him as most had done before the accident. He was unattractive and he knew it, love was always a far-off dream for him. He had lived without it thus far so he supposed he could stay without it. It didn't mean it didn't hurt though, knowing that he would die (again) without ever having truly fallen in love.

"I need to think," Rimmer murmured quickly whisking past Lister out of the room. The third technician stared after him for a few seconds before he sighed and pulled back his tray of vindaloo. He hated Rimmer with a passion most of the time, but when the man said that he was a nothing it really got to him. It was depressing and as much as he preferred not to, he sympathised with the uptight git. Nobody deserved to feel that way, even somebody as repellently anal-retentive and weasly as Rimmer. So he tried to offer the best advice he could, given the circumstances: because even people like Rimmer needed help sometimes.

There was hardly any time between Rimmer's exit and the image of Holly's old face flicking on the screen mounted on the wall opposite Lister. The senile computer blinked and looked around for a moment before zeroing in on the last human who was hunched over at the table with his food. "Do you have any idea what you've just done?"

Lister jumped and snapped his head up to look at the screen. "Holly, man, you scared the crap outta' me! What are you talkin' about?"

"I'm talking about that little pep-talk you just gave Rimmer. "

Lister's expression went deadpan. "What about it?"

"Do you have any conception of what Rimmer would be like if he ever actually became an officer? He'd be more up himself than a rectal thermometer."

The last human tapped his fork on the side of his tray. "You don't know that Hol'. He could surprise us. Maybe he won't be like that; maybe he'll become a better person."

"We're talking about Rimmer here."

Lister paled. "You're right. Oh god, what have I done?"

"You've completely cocked yourself up, that's what," Holly answered helpfully.

The third technician ran a hand through the almost buzz-cut curls on the top of his head. "How did you even hear our conversation anyway Hol'?"

Holly rolled his eyes. "Come on Dave, there's nothing else for me to do. The best entertainment I get is listening to you two mother hens clucking away."

Lister jumped up from the table. "I've got to find him."

Holly nodded. "Good luck, if you manage to rectify the situation I'll make sure Kryten has another vindaloo ready for you."

"That's nice," Lister put his hands on his hips, "But telling me where he is might be of a little more use to me right now."

Holly's expression became shocked. "Oh right, sorry. He's up on the obs deck."

Lister turned to hunt after Rimmer. "You better be right Holly, I don't want it to be like last Saturday when I was trying to find the robotics deck and you sent me to every floor except the one it was actually on."

Holly became offended. "For the last time, it was the skutters fault for making humorous gestures at me every time I went to give you directions!"

"Yeah, blame it on the underdogs," Lister called over his shoulder as he too left the sleeping quarters.

Lister jogged down the hall, his thick leather boots thudding heavily against the corrugated steel floors. His rasta plaits flew out behind him, tangling themselves around each other as he hurried to his destination. Lister hated walking down the corridors of Red Dwarf; now that there was no crew around it was utterly unnerving. There were no screens to project Holly in the labyrinth that surrounded the rooms, so the only sounds that could be heard were the mechanical creaks and hums of the ships inner-workings. He could handle being the last human alive; when he was in the bars or in his sleeping quarters which felt lived in he could almost convince himself that there were others on the other side of the door: that too little had changed for him to really be the only one left. But walking down the corridors there was no escaping the reality that he was it. He was by himself in a cold, metal cage that he would most likely never escape. And that was more terrifying than all of the monsters he and the other boys had encountered combined.

As he rounded another corner he caught sight of Kryten and a wave of relief washed over him. He slowed his pace to a brisk walk. The mechanoid appeared to be dusting a circuit board up ahead; Lister never failed to marvel at the sheer contentment Kryten got out of simply cleaning things: If only his life were so simple.

Kryten turned and waved at Lister happily when the man came closer, and Lister waved back. "Hey Kryten, man, have you seen Rimmer go past here?"

Kryten fumbled for a second standing up straight and slotting his duster into the holster-like device around his waist, and turning back to Lister boasting a happy smile. "Good evening Sir! I do believe Mr Rimmer passed me a few minutes ago, muttering to himself about becoming an officer."

Lister cringed. "Do you think I can convince him to not become one?"

The mechanoid looked puzzled and cocked his head to the side curiously. "Isn't that what we've been trying to do for the last four years?"

Lister shook his head and sighed. "I kind of maybe told him that he could work his way up the ranks and become an officer at his own pace. Then Holly pointed out how much gittier he'll become if he follows through. I can hardly stand the guy now, I have to stop him before he gets so unbearable that I lose it and decide to play whack-a-mole with his holographic projection unit."

Kryten recoiled. "Oh, that is most definitely a problem Sir. Best you hurry and catch up with him before he does something you'll both regret."

Lister nodded. "Why do I feel the stupidest human alive?"

Kryten's vocal unit zinged. "Truth mode," came the robotic statement indicating his protocol chips had been set off. "Because you are Sir."

All Lister could do was rub his face with the palm of his hand and turn back to the long corridor ahead of him. The observation deck seemed far too far away at the moment. "I'll catch up with you later Kryten, I have to fix this mess before everything turns to smeg."

Kryten nodded happily. "Very well Sir. Oh and Mister Lister, would you like me to bring some fresh cans of lager to your sleeping quarters for when you return?"

"Please," Lister said in a sigh as he started yet again on his journey following after the ships resident hologram. He now went slower, he knew the stairs were down the end of the corridor and then he would just have to climb them to get to the floor Rimmer was apparently skulking around on. He didn't know what was more daunting, walking back through the cold maze of corridors to his sleeping quarters or convincing Rimmer to be unconvinced of his previous advice. Somehow the latter didn't seem like it should have been that hard but Lister felt that Rimmer was going to be difficult – because let's face it, Rimmer was always difficult.

The rest of the walk and climb up the stairs passed by fairly quickly and before he knew it Lister was up on the observation deck, standing inside the glass dome that arched over his small frame giving the illusion that he was standing in space, surrounded by a plethora of stars. Rimmer usually came up here to brood on particularly important matters: like the death of his father for instance, and Lister had to give him credit – the guy had good taste in places of contemplation. It was almost mesmerising, sometimes when you were stuck in the midst of steel and iron walls you forgot that you were floating in an endless abyss of black broken only by thousands of twinkling lights. Lister liked to watch the stars – that is why he had always liked the small window in his sleeping quarters: he could always look out of it and marvel if he fancied. He supposed this was one of the very few things he and Rimmer had in common.

Rimmer was on the far side of the dome, almost right against the glass peering out while standing rigidly with one of his hands up holding his chin. He didn't notice Lister's emergence from the deck below nor his current presence behind him, so naturally he got the fright of his life when Lister put his hand on his shoulder in an attempted gesture of friendship.

"Gah! Lister, don't sneak up on people like that!" Rimmer jumped and span around simultaneously, making Lister step back in surprise.

Lister gave Rimmer one of his lopsided smiles. "Sorry man, didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to tell you that I was completely wrong – you shouldn't work your way up the ranks, I mean what would it be for? You can't do anything with it, ya' might as well find happiness with your situation now, it's more logical you know."

Rimmer's nostrils flared. "No, I don't know Lister. First you're telling me I can make still make something myself if I want to and then you tell me not to bother. You're more indecisive than an overweight person who's trying to pick what to have first at an all-you-can-eat buffet."

"I know man, but I thought better of what I said-"

"Thought better? You thought better of what you said? Does that mean that you honestly believe everything you said before was complete hogwash?"

Lister looked at the ground. "Well yeah…"

There was a pause as Rimmer stared Lister down disbelievingly for a few moments before huffing resolutely and crossing his arms over his chest. "Why?"

Lister looked back up. "Why what?"

"Why did you change your mind?"

The stars outside the dome suddenly felt farther away than ever and were becoming more appealing by the second. If Lister could have just floated away into them he would have. "Because I realised how stupid that would be. It would be a waste of time and energy. Wouldn't you rather be reading your Morris Dancer Weekly's or practicing your Hammond Organ?" Lister had to force himself to keep a straight face as he spoke, even the mentioning of Rimmer's hobbies made him want to cringe.

Rimmer rocked back and forth on his heels. "You don't think I can do it, do you? You think I'll never make it, and want to spare my feelings before it happens."

Lister's eyes widened. "Well actually-"

"I'll prove you wrong you know. This little chat is just the push I needed, I've now decided – I'm going to become an officer. I'll do it and I'll show you, I'll show all of you that Arnold J. Rimmer is something, can be something. You'll never underestimate me ever again." With That Rimmer gave Lister a standard Rimmer salute and strode past the space-bum with his newfound confidence.

Lister turned as Rimmer passed him and followed the hologram with his eyes. How could this have backfired so severely on him? Instead of stopping Rimmer from becoming an officer he had made him decide that he was going to do it no matter what. The last human walked over to the stairs dejectedly, but before he left the obs deck he looked up at the screen above the door. "Holly."

Holly's face flashed up on the screen and his eyes rolled down to look at the man standing before him. "I suppose you want me to tell Kryten to double the lager."

"Triple it and I expect that vindaloo to be ready for me when I get back."

Rimmer walked purposefully through halls to the library on E deck. He was going to study and pass his exams and become an officer if it was the last thing he did. He would show all of them. He was smart enough to do this, he knew he was. He was sick of everybody thinking he couldn't do anything, that he would never accomplish any achievements. First it had been his parents – his overbearing father with his insatiable inferiority complex which he pushed on all of his sons, his alcoholic succubus whore of a mother who never showed even an ounce of affection to him, his teachers, his classmates, his peers, his superiors and now Lister and the rest of them. There was not once single person in the universe that had confidence in him.

But he was going to change all that. He would force them to see.

Rimmer rubbed his hand over his right eye. Don't cry god dammit, don't cry. You can't let them see you cry, they'll never let you hear the end of it. The tear that had leaked from his eye was wiped away and he carried on trying his hardest to hold back the rest of didn't want to be a failure any more. He just wanted to get something, anything right.

He still failed to realise that before anybody could have confidence in him, he would need to have confidence in himself.

To Be Continued…

Guys! So I decided to do a chapter fanfiction for the Dwarf. This one is going to be centred on Rimmer and may or may not have some RimmerxLister at some point depending on how I feel the story is going. I plan on this only being a short one, maybe five or six chapters.

Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! :D

Amber***